Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

[LifeAndThymes]

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

Tbf a few generations ago the mil was the matriarch of the whole family and every one else was expected to STFU and hail praise to queen bee. Lots of women moved in with their mils as did my grandmother and her sisters.

Today women are getting more independant and not recognising that they are expected to toe the line like many generations did before them. Some women expect the respect that being a mil is supposedly comes with as they are the mother of the son. It's patriarchy bollocks when it's all boiled down and it happens all over the world not just on MN

"Mils blaming dils for all the ills is a huge one, and this is exactly whats happened in the op - hence my lumping together - the bad ones etc."

Just seemed a bit- extreme- to carry on on this particular thread where the OP had already been told 350 times that she was wrong. If she's still reading she must have got the point several times over!

"Its not hard to understand that a mother particulary attached to her son, is going to feel pushed out when a new woman comes into his life?

What does particularly attached to mean?

And why pushed out?

Upset/disappointed that he has less time for her, but that's not pushing her out, is it?

Would she feel pushed out if he took up a hobby & saw her less?

Or is it the choosing to spend time with a female other than her??

Are you my mil?

Oh gosh, I thought you were my MIL for a moment there. DH and I used to live 45mins from PIL and 3.5hrs from my family. We therefore would see PIL more frequently, but I think my MIL would have liked to see us more (my BIL & SIL live locally and see them weekly), however we have our own life and things we want to do with DD on the weekends as a family of three. Mostly we work all week and want to relax. Now we've moved 3hrs away from both sets of parents, for DH's work.

We've had a three year Christmas rota since DH and I got engaged (14 years ago) and have already sown the seeds that we're not going to be travelling for Christmas from this year onwards (it was my idea but DH is onboard with it). Family are welcome to travel to us. DD will be 6yo and we'll have a baby. We want to do our own traditions every year, not every three years, nor have DD on her best behaviour two years out of three. MIL will be upset, but DH and I are in our 30s. It is time for our own Christmas, our own traditions, our own family time, us cooking Christmas dinner, our way. It might be different if DH and I grew up and lived in the same town, but we didn't. We can't please everyone and it's now our time.

I expect MIL thinks it's all me because she probably remembers DH from uni age, but he's an adult, with a career and (nearly) two children. His priority is actually me and our children. He loves his parents (they are lovely) but we are a family unit and his parent are outside that. He doesn't love them any less, but they are sharing his world, rather than his sole focus.

If you're still here OP (unlikely!) it's got to be hard but you have to let your DS go, he is nearly 30, soon to be married and with a family unit of his own. You will only push him further away if you appear controlling. Make the Christmases you're with them both for Christmas Day super special and create new traditions for the years when you see them outside of the 25th December. It can still be Christmassy, it can still be with other family, it can still be fun, it will be different though.

Maybe stbDIL is being overly pushy with your DS, or maybe he's being polite by agreeing with your suggestions (because he's worried how you'll take him disagreeing). Only time will tell. Be happy for them, because they certainly won't want to spend time with someone who has the hump about visits or where the DIL feels you don't like her.

I bet your son agrees with his partner most of the time. I bet she's not overbearing or controlling, your son probably just doesn't want to upset his (may i say) overly sensitive mother so agrees with you to keep the peace and dil says what they both think.

I'm probably older than you, OP, but have little sympathy I'm afraid.

Where's your common sense woman? Your future DIL's family are putting you to shame.

Get some respect for goodness sake, for yourself and others.

msgrinch, I don't know how you recognised the DIL just from this thread. There are thousands of MILs like this. Was it from other threads, too?

Are you my mil? Dear god, she should run fast

My grandmother was born in the 1880s. I think that's the last generation where the MIL was the matriarch. It certainly wasn't so for my mum or her sisters (born in 1910s/20s), who all expected their children to grow up and bugger off.

The war changed a huge number of things, including having a massive impact on women's independence and their expectations, which never was successfully shoved back in the box, no matter how much the Government paid researchers to falsify results

I can see that there are some personality types who could hark back to the olden days for their own purposes, though, to justify doing whatever suits them.

Op in the nicest possible way, get a life.

Oh, do stop kicking!

imperial -probably not that hard with exact distances, dates, details of siblings and what they do...

Meh. He's a grown up now.

And I wish my ex had allowed me to alternate Christmas days together with our own families. He refused point blank to spend Christmas day with mine because they didn't do it all properly, apparently. Maybe if she did that, then you would have cause to worry.

And I don't understand long drawn out engagements, anyhow. Either you want to get married, or you don't.

I get the Christmas thing. My brother and I have spent every Christmas day with my Mum for 30 odd years because the partners we have had over time either had poor relationships with their own families or they lived abroad etc.

The last couple of years we've both either been single or in less established relationships.

I KNOW my Mum would be really upset at the idea that we wouldn't spend Xmas day with her because she's always had that. And she would never try to manipulate us into not spending it with her and would respect our own choices but I know she'd be devastated deep down and it would probably 'ruin' Christmas if one or both of us weren't there.

So I don't think OP is being unreasonable to say that Xmas wouldn't be the same without her DS because it won't.

The rest is odd and intrusive in some ways and quite paranoid at times but I don't think she's just being a controlling cow who can't let go because she's upset about the Christmas issue.

If next year my brother has a partner and wants to spend Christmas with them, that would be fine by me but it definitely wouldn't be as good, or as happy without him there.

Today 18:31 Hakluyt

Oh, do stop kicking!

Was that to me? I was being honest. Op clearly does need a life and as dil who has a mil from nr hell, i know what its like to have deal with a dragon this < projecting> < breathes>

dont worry sosix, this is a tender topic for Hakluyt.

• diddl Wed 01-Apr-15 17:01:18

Your right Diddl, attached probably not the right word, perhaps has un realistic expectations? That the status quo will always remain the same.

More than 400 posts all telling her she's wrong- I just though it might be time to stop kicking. As I would say on any thread about anyone.

I think Hak was just suggesting OP either isn't on the thread anymore or has got the message.

Unfair to criticise Hak too and make suggestions about her own life. Not nice.

I don't agree Hakluyt, the more posts the better if it helps convince the OP that she is BU. She has a lot to lose.

a kicking hak?

Really?

I dont think Hakluyt has any experience of the fallout and what is to be lost in this sort of situation.

So she does'nt understand what posters are trying to do, which is wave huge red warning flags to op - saying PLEASE THINK.

Because if this girl has babies...she aint gonna want this sort of mil around.

I wouldn't wish our situation on my worst enemy oh but mil is my worst enemy its horrid and every one in the family suffers.

If it can be avoided by a little thinking out of the box and ego deflation, then alls the better,

but Hak you have no experience of this.

You sound like my MIL op, and I'm afraid that is not a good thing.

Ok thanks for that.