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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

485 replies

LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 20:55

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 01/04/2015 19:50

dont worry sosix, this is a tender topic for Hakluyt.

Patronising much Gasoline, do you know Hak well?

Momagain1 · 01/04/2015 20:04

OP certainly doesnt need to go off to Gransnet to hear from her peers. Plenty of us right here.

lifeand you are really letting the team down. Your expectations of how your son should be living his life are meaninless and have nothing to do with anything except your fantasy world. As mother, and now a MIL, i really cannot fathom why you think your preferences or opinions about his life matter at all. Your husband is the only one you get to make life plans with. Yes, those plans used to include your children, but that era always had an end date, and it was past before stbDIL entered the picture.

Your son is a grown up. Living his life. With a woman he has chosen. And even if she were the perfect daughter in law of your dreams, your wish to have him live near, to have holiday priority over his inlaws, and to have your opinions matter in their life decisions equally with their own opinions, would be damned foolish.

Buck up woman! Your kids are grown! Go and do all those things you couldnt do while you were raising them. You have no idea how long you have until your health begins to interfere so stop wasting time on this.

Hakluyt · 01/04/2015 20:07

"she does'nt understand what posters are trying to do, which is wave huge red warning flags"

I do understand that is what some posters- myself included- are trying to do.

Others......have other motives. I find bullying unedifying.

insightally · 01/04/2015 20:07

i agree with the posters who've responded already. sufficient to say OP is BVVVVU.

i was reading the whole thing waiting for the big transgression by the future DIL that I was sure was coming! But nope, just a lot of trivial, entitled woe-is-me selfishness from the OP.

CrabbyTheCrabster · 01/04/2015 21:03

Others......have other motives. I find bullying unedifying.

Couldn't have put it better myself Hakluyt.

Instituteofstudies · 01/04/2015 21:20

I agree with Hakluyt that there's no need to keep kicking someone and giving more and more examples of other situations. The OP is struggling to handle a situation she finds difficult, so why cannot people make their points without being mean and aggressive. Where is the kindness?

Is the OP handling the situation well? No, she isn't. Will being hostile make it easier for OP to take in what people are saying to her? I doubt it.

Even when you know you need to let your kids move on and away from you, even when you know that is how it should be, it can be bloody hard and painful. I love and respect my dd and her dh, but it's hard to see them so little and to realise you aren't the most important person to them any more.

fourteen · 01/04/2015 21:26

Absolutely Hak, I think I first posted something along those lines over 24 hours ago.

I understand the initial reactions when a thread is first posted, and those after subsequent OP updates, but wandering along two days later and casually putting the boot in is just so stupid and pointless.

ElphabaTheGreen · 01/04/2015 21:34

I think it's mainly from people that haven't RTFT and just do a knee-jerk to the first post. There should be an MN law that you can't comment on a lengthy thread unless you tick a box confirming you've read the thread. If you tick the box and still stick the boot in, it's clear you're a twat. Like the poster upthread who said, 'Well, I read the first eight pages, I'm hardly going to bother with all 14, am I?' A lot happened in those remaining pages, so DON'T POST. It's shitty.

goingtotown · 01/04/2015 21:37

YA 100% BU, Back off & change now or you'll lose him.

butterfly2015 · 01/04/2015 21:38

I moved away from "home" in my 20s and although I'm back now I have spent one Christmas with my parents in well over 20 years and that was in 1998. I've been back three years with my two kids but we are not invited over as,my sister and nephew spend Xmas day with them every year. Tbh I think it's more down to my sister who made it clear when I moved back that I wasn't to ask the parents to babysit. Although it's fine for them to pick nephew up from school once a week and then all of them have dinner together.

Maybe I've been away too long but I don't feel part of the family any more. I wish I had some in laws but both dps parents are dead.

This whole thread makes me feel quite sad. The op is pushing too hard and while I can understand her fear at losing her son, she needs to stop blaming the dil for him being a man.

One more thing op, please treat her child as if she was your sons. At some point they may have kids and if you treat this girl differently your dil will avoid time with you to protect her daughter.

vinoandbrie · 02/04/2015 14:33

OP, you sound like my MIL who has ruined the last two Christmases. Last Christmas was my baby's first, and the Christmas before that I was pregnant. Both Christmases should have been really special and instead they were crap. Because we were guilt tripped into spending them with her. Ugh. Never again.

toddlewaddleflipflop · 02/04/2015 19:24

I got on ok with my MIL but last year she insisted on us visiting her at a really awful time. She just decided we should visit and wouldn't let it drop. I was 30 weeks pregnant with a baby we knew would need highly specialized medical care when it arrived and she lives a very long way away. I was exhausted and worried about prem birth. We also had an older child.
DH went in the end, by himself. But I can't quite get over the pushing and lack of empathy she had for our situation and keep my distance even more now. I know that sounds selfish of me, but it's the way I feel and illustrates how the more you push and insist on stuff, the worse things will get for you.

drudgetrudy · 02/04/2015 19:53

Agree with Momagain1. Plenty of us here from different age brackets and that is how it should be.
The idea that all grandmother's should be on gransnet I find very divisive. We have not stopped being Mums.
It seems to suggest that this site is reserved for DILs to have a go at MILs whilst the reverse goes on on Gransnet.
That would get no-one anywhere.
OP, many people of your own generation have posted to say YABU.
I feel concerned for you-I don't think you are meaning to be nasty and possessive, I think you are finding it difficult to adjust to inevitable changes in your life and relationships.
After retirement if you keep your health, life has so much to offer-so many exciting new interests and friendships to build now that you have more time.
Please build up your own life.
Hopefully then relationships with your children and grandchildren will be part of this richness.
If you are possessive you will loose them.

Remember days like Christmas are only one day-you have a full year to enjoy your family. As you get older you may be glad not to have the responsibility of entertaining everyone all on your shoulders.

cinders456 · 02/04/2015 21:55

In the nicest possible way.. cut the apron strings and get a hobby ;)

cinders456 · 02/04/2015 22:03

Seriously though, maybe focus on building a relationship with your future dil. She obviously feels threatened and unaccepted by you and therefore is excluding you as a defense BrewCake

GraysAnalogy · 02/04/2015 22:16

You do realise people aren't trying to 'kick' anyone, they're just adding their thoughts to the thread too Confused it doesn't just stop because you've had your say

KatieKaye · 02/04/2015 22:30

I agree, Grays.

No need for unofficial thread monitors - if there are any concerns, then the thread should be reported to MN.

OP - your son is happy. Try to be happy for him.
Your DD is pregnant so this Christmas is going to be very different anyway as there will be a new baby. Concentrate on the new young life and not on the fact your DS is not there but with his won family.

I hope you enjoy the celebrations and can accept that as time passes and children grow up to become adults then things necessarily change. Let your son know you are happy he is settled and that you will always love him and want to be a part of his new life too. And then sit back and breath!

sosix · 02/04/2015 22:32

Thing is op, you are pushing fdil away and therefore ds. My mil did and does this. I have after 15 years if taking shit, stopped. I have also stopped holding my tongue in front of dc.

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 02/04/2015 22:41

I do understand that is what some posters- myself included- are trying to do
Really have you?

What are you warning against, you have lived through this have you, as many of us have? Nearly split from your DH, broken up your family, left your dc with a broken home just due to a manic MIL who will not let the apron strings go?

I thought you said you had a good relationship with yours, that you bit your tongue a little over some political views Confused so not sure exactly what flag your waving Hakyult.

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 02/04/2015 22:42

No need for unofficial thread monitors - if there are any concerns, then the thread should be reported to MN

Monitors who have no idea of the situation in hand, May I add.

No idea of whats actually at stake here.

SwirlyThingAlert · 02/04/2015 22:49

They've only visited twice so far and probably won't more than twice or three times a year

They've moved over a 170 miles away. Visiting two or three times a year shows they're still bothered about keeping in contact as they're not exactly near!
I'm another one who can't for the life of me see what your DIL has done wrong. What's wrong with alternating Christmases? That way it is fair and both sets of parents gets to see their children over Christmas on a fair basis. You shouldn't get to monopolize and demand you're seen but her parents never are. That's just not right.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 02/04/2015 23:16

Some are still stirring the pot here I see ,OP has gone now and not coming back after her drubbing.

WhitePhantom · 02/04/2015 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SwirlyThingAlert · 02/04/2015 23:22

Who's stirring the pot?! Confused

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 02/04/2015 23:32

it's hard to see them so little and to realise you aren't the most important person to them any more.

My mother once told me that she saw her parenting job from the outset as preparing me to leave her. Maybe more parents should see things this way?

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