Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

[LifeAndThymes]

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

Pyjamas I have been in 6 long term relationships (I'm 37 so not a complete hussy) and only one future-MIL has ever actually been nice to me. All the others have seen me as a threat to their relationship with their sons. They have seemed to take delight in making some sort of a competition for for their sons' attention. So in my experience 80% of MILs cannot accept their DIL

It is sad that mums behave that way. I have 1 son and have never been weird about his girlfriends or expressing all this 'he is my son and will not give him up etc' shit. I am really happy my son is happy. I just don't get it op and mums like that. Please tell me I'm not weird!

Presuming the guys you are dating then are similar age late 30s 40s then really that may be the reason.

My lads are in their early/mid twenties and have friends married and cohabiting. We and most of ourfriends ( their parents) are late forties early fifties, work full time, have younger children and lives. We all without exception get on with all our kids partners.

I havnt got time to plot against anyone let alone my dil.

Respectfully you may be dating mummies boys?

X posts!

rat no I am just the same. As long as my kids are happy I
Am happy. Wherever they are in the world and whatever they do at Christmas.

I might start a mil appreciation thread.

I'm conflicted on MIL threads (usually). Most MIL's are probably just trying hard to welcome someone dear to their child whose exsistence may well change the balance of the relationship.
Many posters are often too clingy of their partners and seem to resent their partner being close to their parents.
There's just too much conflict.
On this one the son has a different quantity of time with his family to his sibling and the poster (at less than 12 hours before UK April 1st) is associating time and quality of relationship. It's a shame that this family dynamic is about hours put in rather than genuine relationships and affection.
Need to enjoy and appreciate the time we have with those we love. And don't be so melodramatic when it's 1.4 in other countries (I know Lancashire was referenced)

OP - if you are still reading, I think what I get from this is you had a strong idea of how life would be like when your DCs grew up, and if you and all your family have always lived in the same town/area, so had easy 'popping in' and spending lots of time with grandparents, you probably assumed it would be like that.

Your DS's decision to move away (which you haven't explained why, was it for work? If anything, I could imagine she'd be less likely to want to move her DD away from school and friends, so wouldn't be surprised if the 'push' came more from him), has changed that. You've not had to face being one of 2 sets of parents a couple deals with because your DD doesn't have 'real' PILs, so you've not had to face up to her having competiting family ties.

This is the life your DS has, it's not hte one you planned for him, it's the one he's picked. You can strop or you can work with it.

Did you spend every Christmas day with your PIL when your DCs were small? Did your DH put his mother's opinion above yours? If you/your parents were marginalised when your DCs were young, I can see why you might expect her to do the same and this would be 'your time', but that's not healthy.

life not wanting to put the boot in, just to add food for thought if it helps.

Look at how you describe your son in all your posts. As a stranger reading them - he is weak, he isn't strong, he's easily led. It's not a very respectful view, it's your justification for why you need to keep him close and manage him. I can see why his partner would be upset at seeing that attitude towards him and why he himself might need to get away from it. it won't be doing his self esteem any good and he'll be picking up on you seeing him in this way. I wonder too if your 'gentle ribbing' contains some of this undercurrent of disrespect or belittling of him and feels very different to him the way you intend?

You're talking a lot about your need for him to meet your needs - to go on being your child, to keep Christmases the same, to live locally, to take and act on your advice, and Christmas will be ruined if he isn't there. You're making him responsible for your happiness. Flip that on its head. This is a new stage in your life, this is where you need to find your own new identity that isn't based on your children's lives and presence in yours, making your new routines and looking at filling your life with the things you couldn't do while you had children to raise. Of course your Christmas isn't ruined if he isn't there - you'd be free to go on a fantastic holiday, to do things that you enjoy that don't rely on expecting your children to meet your needs. That time has passed, and your child is now going to be a husband and father himself.

There is a sense of competition in how you talk about your DiL, and she is on territory that you feel is yours. I can't help wondering if he's moved from one strong woman to another, but if he has then his partner is meeting his needs and is supporting him in his adult life in a way that you can't.

You sound just like my exMIL.
Dear lord.
I wanted to run for the hills, too.

By pyjamasandwine. I love my mil too, we get on great and have a brilliant laugh! She has never seen me as a threat and dp lived with her until he met me. I am older than him and had two teen dcs, she has always accepted all of us equally, guess I'm just lucky

Good post rumble

Here's irony for you - we spent ages planning last Christmas to accommodate everyone. My parents declined and went to Benidorm with their friends.

Do just bear in mind that, bearing in mind that all the wholly "guilty" MILs must have been wholly "innocent" DILs 25 years earlier that there must sometimes be faults on both sides! And even, occasionally, by the law of averages it might just be the dil's fault!

You are being very unreasonable.

Alternate chrismasses with families is the norm, as are christmasses with just the three of them.

They sound like they have a strong relationship and are happy and moving forward together in life.

You will ruin your relationship with both of them unless you change your mindset quickly

Rumble - excellent points.

OP - thinking about this more, did you defer to your MIL/PIL when your DCs were young? Did you follow their family traditions, fit in with what they wanted. Live in the area they did, followed their advice above that of your parents or your own opinions? (or did your DH put his mother's views above yours?).

If you did believe when you were young that you had to defer to the 'senior' woman in the family, I can see why your DIL and DS chosing a different way to live would be harder to accept. It's your turn to be the most important woman in the family, and now suddenly that's changed again and you've missed out.

Your son has made life choices that you wouldn't/didn't. He's not putting your opinion first. It could well be he's being a bit of a coward and letting DIL take the blame for his choices that go against what you'd do, rather than owning them himself.

It's right that his primary relationship/s is now with his soon to be Wife and child (and then any other children that come along). It's right that your opinion should carry less weight about significant issues than his DW who will be directly effected more by these. It's not right that you think she shouldn't decide these things.

Try to think that your DS has a good healthy relationship, if he put you first, then it wouldn't be. don't push him into a 'me or her' choice, because if he really loves her, it won't be you he picks. There's room in his heart for both of you!

" I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child! "

I would hate to be treated like that ! A 'silly mistake'? harmless ribbing?
Perhaps start treating him as an adult!

Exactly, all of these nightmare controlling MILs were DILs once upon a time - and as we know DIL's are never, ever wrong.

Bamb I really think some of the comments being made on this thread about MILs are appalling generalisations, but the nasty, sarcastic, generalisation that you just made is equally bad imho.

My MiL could probably post something fairly similar about me. She's not usually that interested in our lives or daughters (she only likes boys apparently), but every now and then she remembers she's supposed to be grandmother/mother of the year and we'll get all sorts of shit from her.

I'm not suggesting for one minute OP is anything like my MiL, but some of the stuff in the OP is very like the sort of things my MiL comes out with.

I took her son away, I stop him visiting, I won't let him phone her, I control him. Actually, I've stayed out of it over the years, I don't get involved. I smile sweetly and visit at Christmas, encourage DH to phone her and send Mothers Day flowers and birthday cards.

The fact of the matter is, DH doesn't want to phone her - every time he rings her she gives him so much grief that he can't really be bothered. When he does ring she spends 10 minutes moaning that he hasn't rung her earlier and that I must be controlling him. He gets totally fed up with hearing it, so doesn't ring

Christmas - we alternate 3 ways, 1 year at home on our own, then we visit my parents and his parents, the next year it's with my parents and Boxing Day with him, then the other way round the next year - this translates as I won't let her see DH/the kids on Christmas Day

I took her son away and made him move 150 miles away. It was his job that led to us moving here. When this was pointed out I was then greedy because I wanted him to earn more money. In fact, his pay didn't increase that much, but it meant he had a much shorter commute and a better lifestyle for our children

Now, DH rarely rings her, won't visit unless I push it and there's really no relationship between them at all.

He's a grown man, making his own decisions.

There have been threads that ask posters who likes their mil and hundreds posted

Your missing my point.

Of course there are wonderful mils out there and asi I said on your other thread - we don't here about them on here...because there isn't much to chat about or advise on, if everything is going swimmingly.

This is a site where people come to vent and chat and support, and in doing that its easy to build up a picture of mils who are causing problems, and why, and its usually the same sort of attitudes - see op, and issues that are to blame.

Mils blaming dils for all the ills is a huge one, and this is exactly whats happened in the op - hence my lumping together - the bad ones etc.

Its not hard to understand that a mother particulary attached to her son, is going to feel pushed out when a new woman comes into his life?

This is a site where people come to vent and chat and support,

No shit Sherlock.

As a stranger reading them - he is weak, he isn't strong, he's easily led. It's not a very respectful view, it's your justification for why you need to keep him close and manage him

This is ^ exactly how my pils treat DH and its infuriating and when he is around them he goes into a shell and reverts to type.

its horrid to see and horrid for me

Yeah no fucking shit sherlock, it seems many people dont seem to get this though.

Putting
I have three ds's, I'm not going to feel pushed out if a woman comes into their lives, I'll be relieved they've found someone who makes them happy and who he wants to spend his life with.