Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

[LifeAndThymes]

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

Yabu.

I also doubt she is making all the decisions, isn't t most likely you're proposing something to your son and he goes away to tell her and they have a discussion and decide together. Then he comes back to you. But it seems all your seeing is your DS is happy to go along with what you say (you do mention he likes and easy life..) until he speaks to DIL and its turned around. They're more likely have a adult discussion and deciding together.

YabSOu about Christmas.

And it can be nice to move away from your roots and set up yourself and be independent for a bit, maybe DIL has given DS a new lease of life and he was happy to go on the adventure with her. My parents moved 200miles away, to somewhere they had no family or friends before I was born and lived well. They moved home eventually but they just needed some time away.

I'd hate to be your DIL, sorry!

You put that so well Goth

I know two DILs who are blamed by MILS for keeping their sons away from them. Even though in both cases the sons moved away long before meeting their wives, to escape suffocating family situations and move to where they could be more independent and have more life and job prospects (i.e. they grew up!).
But rather than acknowledging that perhaps their own limiting influence contributed in part to their sons moving (as well as the healthy natural process of growing up), they continue to blame the DIL, and in turn sabotage the prospect of happy relations with their sons, DILs and grandchildren. So sad and self-defeating and self-fulfilling for the MILs.

Within three years of marrying my ex he told his mum and dad that we would see them either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day in future and see my parents on the other day. Christmas Day, he told them, was for us as a couple. That followed his mum calling him in 'feeling very sad' as 'there was an empty seat at the table' on the Christmas Day we had spent with my parents. We had spent the previous Christmas with her and ex FIL.

So for the remaining 13 years of our marriage we did Christmas Eve at one house, Christmas Day together as a couple and Boxing Day with the other family. I got the blame, of course, but at least ex MIL had the guts to tell me that to my face. Her face was a picture when my ex calmly told her that I had nothing to do with it (in fact I'd argued against it as he was a real mummy's boy and I knew what would come my way!)

What he said was that, whilst he loved his family Christmases, he and I both worked hard like many couples. We spent the weekends catching up on housework (like many couples) and renovating the house we had bought as a tip. Having just one day a year when we could just slob out in front of the TV, go for a walk, run naked up the high street if that's what WE wanted to do, was a really important thing. Having to get up early, dress up, get into a freezing car, eat food we didn't necessarily want to eat as it was someone else's menu, one of us not be able to have a drink because of the long, cold drive home ruined our Christmas! So he had decided we would be selfish and have our own little family Christmas. Both families were welcome to us but, guess what, both sets of parents wanted Christmas in their own home! Because 'it's too much hassle travelling at Christmas' (double standards or what??)

So, rather than think that maybe there was a need to let go of her son, my MIL drove him away at Christmas. Which was a shame as I actually enjoyed visiting their home at the festive season - something she never believed until the day she died.

Basically being married let my ex see that there was a different path - not because I pushed him onto it but just because he wasn't influenced by his mum so got the chance to actually think for himself. That's what a good marriage is about and maybe, just maybe, your DS is getting the same thing. He's thinking for himself and deciding what suits him and his family. And yes, your DIL and her DD are his family. Just as you are. But, as my now DH said when I read your post out to him "If I had to choose between my birth family and the family I chose to create, I'd have to go with the one I chose. I'd have to - I chose to create that family so my loyalty has to be to them"

I hope you can find some halfway house.

Me and my ex moved 400 miles to get away from his overbearing mother (30 miles wasn't enough...). She bloody followed us! It was an awful relationship to be in and she was ever so inappropriate - she felt like she could tell us how to live our live (give advice) and nothing we ever chose to do ourself was good enough. He is an ex for a totally different reason to his mother being overbearing but I think long term, things would have gone downhill anyway.

OP your son is an adult - by being overbearing as you are you are making him look pathetic! 'Bitty' jokes spring to mind... It just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Op I think you should take all the advice from this thread and in the future be kind to you daughter in law. She has a daughter already so treat her nicely too - send an Easter egg or card with a pound for an Easter egg in, say she is welcome at your house and you will make her favourite tea when she comes over and watch her favourite tv programme. And actually mean it - your son and daughter and law will be pleased and your son will be happier.

This could be my future MIL in a couple of year's time. Right now DP and I each go to our parents at xmas, so have not spent one together yet. We've decided this is fine, until we have children. I gently mentioned, within an xmas visit convo/ context, that we plan to carry an as we are until children happen, then we will be spending it at home. Well, my f-MIL's face was a picture. I was told that I would be ruining their Christmas. (Just me ruining it, suddenly DP is off scott free).

She sounds similar to you OP. A great mum, but a tad overbearing and very self centred. She's not willing to accommodate any changes, despite the fact that her family is changing and developing around her. I think in these circumstances you eaither change and develop along with them, or risk getting left behind.

YANBU to struggle with this. Not at all. But YABU to expect to not have to make any changes. You had a child. You now have an adult son with his own family. You need to adapt to that.

I hope everything works out well for you.

Oh dear - My DM lives 10 miles away and I probably see her once a month, same with MIL.

We got past the Xmas issue by, how dare we, Inviting everyone to us.
MIL actually declined as wanted Xmas at home. We have already informed everyone that when we have children e will not be leaving our house on Xmas day, people can come to us or we will do visits Xmas eve and boxing day.

this is what happens in families. they make their own - in the same way you did when you decided Xmas would be at your house ( i know that isn't your main issue but I'm sure you know what I mean)

Honestly, it looks as though her being in control isn't the issue - its more that shes taken the control from you, and if my MIL was like this I don't think DP and I would still be together now.

Is he happy? does he have a job he loves? you've seen him more often since October than I've seen my mother.

This could so be my family!

my relationship with PIL started out really well but little by little they have revealed their true feelings and I cannot cope with that. DH is a grown man though - he can decide when to visit and when to invite them - to imagine that any DIL has full control over that is nonsense.

The comment about you wanting to gain a daughter and not lose a son and that she should consider herself to have gained a mother is also a bit odd - a mother/daughter relationship would need a lot of work and love and mutual respect to create. You don't like her so how can you hope to have that relationship?

I think it's possible you're my MIL. Seriously.

You're being a right royal pain in the arse! The more crap like this you could out with, the more your son is going to cut ties. Pack it in!

He has his family and friends - with me and our kids and our friends 200 odd miles away where we set up home 5 years ago!

Scary that there is actually another woman out there who is as bonkers as my MIL!

Jesus you sound like my MIL , I'm feeling sick at the thought . Why do some men's mothers seem to think that they should put their mother before their partner ?! It worries me . I have the pressure of the stupid christmas thing as my dh mother puts SO much guilt and pressure on him about "family Christmases" so where does the woman's family come in to it ?! I wish I could have christmas just me and MY family too so I don't blame her . Life isn't about keeping everyone else happy such as in laws it's about yourself and nearest and dearest ! Cannot bear guilt tripping mothers with weak easily manipulated sons !
I know if I had a son I would be proud if he was man enough to do what is right for him and his partner . I wouldn't want to guilt trip my adult child !

It really angers me tbh ! Crazy MIL's not wanting to let go and hating any woman DS meets . My MIL mimics my laugh sarcastically. I am far from relaxed in her presence and as they started discussing Christmas in FEB I've began dreading it at the same time .... AGAIN

I agree with the consensus. Can I suggest some positive things that might help you keep the harmonious contact you want? I'm not saying you don't already do them but just in case:

-short friendly contacts with no hint of resentment are the best way of keeping strong links with your son. Phone calls that don't go on too long or always include moans about not seeing him/when is he coming next, sending cards now and then, emails etc;

-include DIL and your soon to be stepgranddaughter in things. Send the little girl a postcard if you go somewhere interesting; ask after them both, if DIL answers the phone ask her how she is and listen to the answer, don't just ask to speak to your son, etc;

-think of other ways to do contact. Could you meet halfway sometimes? Stay with friends nearer to them and visit them that way? Skype?

-accept that your son and his new immediate family (yes, they are) will do different things for Christmas. The days of having both your children at home with you for a nuclear family Christmas are over. This is not because of a DIL conspiracy, it's just a natural progression now that they are in his life. If you ignore the whole of the rest of the thread, do please at least remember this bit.

This issue has the potential to sour everything if you let it. Just be gracious and relaxed about it. My parents have always completely got this right: no one was ever made to feel obliged to go to them, or have them for Christmas or do Christmas a certain way and we children have always been incredibly grateful for that. Also, as a result of being so easy going they've had loads more time with us than many friends give their more demanding parents.

Please try to relax and step back. Be the person they visit for pleasure, not out of duty. Be the person they trust to be a friend and an ally, not just another source of pressure or conflict in their lives.

MotherA my MIL tried to discuss Christmas with me in February this year. We have a baby due in July, bloody Christmas is the last thing on my mind! I told her we could talk about it in 8 months

390 messages telling her she's being unreasonable. Time to stop kicking, perhaps?

Gottobeinittowinit

Haha I basically said the same but I know she has discussed it with DH since . They actually insist on us sleeping over or last year they slept at ours for two nights ?! They live in the next village all my family went home why can't they ?!nutters in my opinion lol hahahaha x

OP, if you're still reading I just want to send you a hug! This must all be hard to read and digest.

Yes, you are being unreasonable but it's a painful transition and you're not being unreasonable to find letting go emotionally difficult - even though you have to. Try not to put your pain onto your son and DIL - look at ways to build your relationship with them into a new shape that will be good for all of you.

I think you probably know deep down that your son's new family have to come first in the decisions he makes. Being flexible about Christmas is a good way to show them you're not going to make life difficult.

I have sons in their 20s and I realise now that when they were younger I had no idea how hard letting them go would be. It's enjoyable too, though, if you allow yourself to appreciate the adults you've raised to independence.

Good luck.

Pyjamasandwine

There is a typical type of MIl and op is one.

How many posters including myself have thought this was their mil but with some details changed. Twas ever thus on the many mil threads I read, many of the mils attitudes are the same and causing problems and many of the posters think it sounds like their mil.

Us with problematic mils often have same problems.

Stop projecting.

This isn't about you, your MIL, any other poster, or their MIL.

It's about the OP and her family.

Is that somehow difficult to understand?

fourteen people use their own lives and experiences to reflect on and give their opinions, surely you understand that?

"fourteen people use their own lives and experiences to reflect on and give their opinions, surely you understand that?"

Of course. But some people also seem to use their own lives and experiece to put the boot in. Which is unedifying. Particularly after pushing 400 unanimous posts.

400 unanimous posts but the OP still doesn't seem to get it...

The OP is reading but not posting. Understandably.

Oh dear how sad that this thread seems to have got polarised.

I am a mil and it's about mutual respect, boundaries, dare I say love and kindness and having a life after grown up children

I adored my mil and she was just great. I strive to be like her and so in turn me and my dil get on great. I support her and have her back because she loves my kid and makes him happy

putting not being rude but it's hardly a straw pole of life with mils is it? It's a thread about a difficult mil/dil relationship so of course others in this sort of relationship post to offer their opinions.

There have been threads that ask posters who likes their mil and hundreds posted.

Don't generalise. It's so so so sexist and crap to perpetuate the myth that mils somehow are mad old bats who still crave breastfeeding their sons.

Most really don't.