to expect to be a bit more of a priority now stepdaughter is an adult?

[duckbilledplatitudes]

I realise this is a bit of a 'how long is a piece of string' question, but the situation is very complex. In a nutshell, DH's daughter still visiting us at least every other weekend ('long weekends', at that), at the age of 21, and it makes it very difficult to plan social events or get enough time together as a couple, and IMHO this is also to stepdaughter's detriment as she should be spending time with people her own age and building an age-appropriate life for herself. She seems to be happy at home, so it's not like she needs a 'refuge' so to speak, and although I understand she is entitled to see her dad and hopefully feels welcomed by me too, it's hard to not feel the constant visits are damaging DH's and my marriage.
SD has some developmental delays, which complicates matters, and sadly her father lets her 'backslide' and when she is here she's more like a child (not even a teen) than an adult in behavioural terms, sad to say. I do care about her more than it may sound from this post (I'm constantly tiptoeing in my own home so as to avoid hurting her feelings, in fact), and I worry a LOT about her developmental issues, and about how she is ever going to build a happy life for herself, but does that have to mean I'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness indefinitely? Because I don't think I have it in me to do that, unfortunately. I have to confess that after having understood/accepted that she needed to be a priority when younger, after having always been welcoming, friendly, non-critical and accepting (which I still am) towards her on visits... but at the same time after having waited over 15 years for a time when I, and our marriage, might be a bit more of a priority for DH, I am now coming to feel the opposite... that there will never be a time when SD won't come first, that I was stupid and naive to think there ever would.
There seems to be no way I can couch any of this that doesn't make me sound like a selfish, immature b**ch... which I honestly have tried all these years not to be, but it is really so bad that I'm not willing to accept permanently coming second, permanently being bottom priority, either? Thoughts would really be welcomed, I'm pretty much in crisis atm over the future of my marriage and although it's not all down to this, this particular has come to a head for me lately on realising that she may never grow up, break away and make more of life on her own, and that she may be here every other weekend for ever. (Right now, that honestly doesn't feel like an exaggeration.) I'd really welcome input... thanks.

In my experience, there is nothing worse than feeling you should go out and make your own way in the world because otherwise is inconvenient to the adults around you.

I just have to say that - am sure others will have more useful advice about the rest of your post. But I always felt after my mum died that when my dad met a woman I wasn't allowed any claim whatsoever to him, even just to talk. Then he died. It saddens me I didn't really know him in the last two/a three years of his life.

Sadly when a child has a developmental condition or other special needs then the normal time line of when to expect things to happen goes out of the window. Your DH will naturally be even more over protective of his dd and there is good chance she may need more attention from him than usual for a lot of her adulthood.

I do understand why this is hard for you but I think you may need to either make your peace with it or move on

I do think yabu to expect his child to ever not be a priority. When you become a parent its for life.

Surely, you have every other weekend without her. Also she is adult, so you can plan stuff when she is there and either she comes or not.

I see my parents several times a week and I am 33, I don't need to stay over as I am 15/20 min drive and I have my own home and family.

If your issue with how dh treats her, you need to speak to him about that. Not about making his dd visit less.

Tricky to say without knowing the extent of the development delay. Does she live in supported accommodation, alone or with her mum the rest of the time? How is her life structured? Does she have work/education/projects/something which is hers? An adult life necessitates different friendships and time occupations than those of a child, does she have those?

I don't think you're the slightest bit unreasonable. My eldest stepson is SEN and I'd be upset if he didn't grow up and away in a normal way. I'd also be upset if DS hadn't left home by 21!

How does her dad feel. Does he like being needed or does he want her to be more independent (even if his actions aren't demonstrating that)?

What do you mean by a long weekend? She stays three nights? So she's with you three out of fourteen nights? And you have 11 alone?

I'm not sure why you have to both stay in all weekend if she visits. Why can't you go out for dinner on the Saturday and she can stay in with a dvd?

My gut says that age is irrelevant though really - his daughter should always come first for him and rightly so. BUT your marriage should be important to him too.

I don't have step children btw but I do have a step mother who's never had children of her own and despite her best efforts not to show jealousy and frustration at me 'hanging around', has made me feel unwelcome at all ages.

I agree with pp, you are a parent for life, irrespective of development delays etc, I really do believe (as a step child myself) that step parents really need to remember that they don't come first, they quite simply didn't, I have a lovely step father and step mother, but growing up my step mother I think felt similarly to you, and it was painfully obvious, and means my relationship with my dad will never be what it should.

Plenty of people without any LDs are living at home with their parents at 21. And plenty are visiting home from their own places regularly. Why can't you just carry on as normal while she's there?

There seems to be more going on; tiptoeing around feelings; DF babying her. The issue may not be her visiting so much as what is happening when she does.

I think you need to work at your relationship from a different approach. Still have nights out when she is at yours either with or without her and weekends away that may or may not clash with her "usual" weekend with you. Work towards a more fluid relationship with her rather than a rota???

Again it's difficult without understanding her learning difficulties - can she be left home alone or not?

And what if your husband wanted to offer her a home permanently, as many parents do to their young adult children - even ones without any LD?

You are coming across very badly here, you've been waiting since she was 6 years old for her to grow up and bugger off so that you get your husband to yourself.

If you wanted that, you should have married a man who didn't have any children and didn't want any.

That's a bit harsh. The OP actually said

might be a bit more of a priority for DH nothing about the SD buggering off into the sunset.

I can understand at that age that there should be more flexibility of visits rather than what appears to be the rigid visitation she is doing. I'd be very worried if my DC at that age didn't have a life full of friends, going out, study, hobbies etc.. and using our house as a hotel (if they were still living at home). If they lived elsewhere, (Say with a RP) I'd expect them to drop in for a cuppa, come over for a meal, stay occasionally, go out for an activity with us etc... All very flexible, when they're available and when we are.

But as it appears in your situation that isn't the case, I'd plan whatever I wanted for whenever I wanted, and actually, go out and do it. Live your life OP! Don't wait around for your DH, just get on with it. And maybe, if your DH sees you going about living your life, being happy, seeing friends and doing things, he may just start joining you, even if it's his DDs weekend.

How would your DH react if you suggested the two of you having a night out on one of the weekends DSS is visiting? Also how would he react to you having a night out/day out with friends on one of those weekends?

My 26 year old still comes to visit overnight every weekend, some weeks he comes Saturday night instead of Friday as he'll go out with friends on a friday, but he stays till about 9pm on Sunday then goes so he can iron his shirts for back to work Monday. No idea why he still wants to spend the night I'd have thought he'd want to hang with friends, but I like to see him, he likes to visit with his brothers x-box (21 son still lives here) and Dh enjoys seeing him too.
Your Dh may well not be doing her any favors by allowing her to backslide into child mode, but thats his problem.
What happens if you have something planned or an invitation to a weekend event?

Try not to think about the weekends your SD is with you - focus on the rest of the time. Work on making that a happy time with your DH.

Go out by yourself sometimes when your DSD is visiting and let them have some time together.

Stop thinking in terms of who comes first and start working on what each of you needs to be the happiest you can be.

His child will always be a priority, and rightly so. Even though she's not a child, she is still his daughter and he lives her just as much.

Every other weekend really isn't that much, so tbh I think you are being selfish there, you have plenty of other weekends when you can plan things and if there are any special events you want to attend on the weekends she visits then there's no real reason why you can't. Same as if you lived with her full time, she dorsnt need a babysitter.

I think it's telling that you talk of priorities and coming second. You are important to your DH as his wife, and your sd is important as his dd. It's not a competition, and it makes you sound very demanding and needy.

there will never be a time when SD won't come first

I think that is a realistic assumption.

I read it that they've got stuck into a routine/relationship model that is stuck in early teen mode and needs to move on to more adult relationships. Sounds like you may need to actively encourage your DSD to treat your house like a hotel a bit more, inviting friends around etc. just starting to shift the balance a bit from what it has become.

I never said I didn't want her, I said I wanted a bit more time with my husband. Just to be clear. The two things are very different. :) I'd never dream of making SD feel unwanted or unwelcome here, in fact I work very hard at not showing my feelings when I do feel that way.
Thanks for all the responses... I am still processing everything that's been said (on both sides) and will come back with more info in time, but I do just want to say one thing. I very often hear people with kids of their own say that even though they really love them, they are also looking forward to having more time alone with their partners/more time for themselves personally when the kids grow up and move out. It's fine that some here feel IABU, it's only natural and I genuinely do want input from both sides, BUT... are my wishes and feelings really that different from people saying they will be able to see an upside to their OWN children leaving home?? (Although I will just point out that when someone is the actual parent, they get some say in how things will unfold, and how their time will be spent, which I never do - I am simply TOLD what will happen. And I'm meant to be 100% happy and fine with that? I think only a saint could pull that off...)
I realise more info is needed here on SD's developmental issues and other questions people have asked, so I will come back to this and I do appreciate all the responses, but I did just want to have my say on this specific part of things.

You might want to post on the step parenting board for a more balanced viewpoint.

I think you need to reframe your thinking here. Lots of kids keep coming home even though they have left home. Our daughter spent most weekends and at least a night a week here till she met her now husband at the age of about 25. Add to that the fact that your DSD has a developmental delay so is going to rely on you and her dad more than someone without one would. You cannot control someone else's behaviour but you can take control of your own. If having your stepdaughter there so often bothers you, find something to do so that you can enjoy your own space. You don't need to spend every moment with them, prioritise your time together for when your stepdaughter isn't with you and do the things you would rather do alone when she is.
I would also respectfully suggest that you try to mange some of your emotive language when you speak to your husband about her, I see that it is hard for you and I get the sense from your post that this is starting to feel unmanageable but the stress and tension is going to grow unless you manage to address it in a less emotional way. Perhaps some counselling would help you to express and manage your own feelings so that when you come to address it with DH you can do so in a more constructive and less destructive way

I find it hard to believe that you don't feel you have much freedom to do what you want when half of your weekends are free!

What if more "flexibility" meant she came more often? Or decided to live with her dad? What if something happened to her mum?

No it's not normal for you all to stay in every weekend she's there, but it sounds like your DH wants to spend time with her when she comes and that's perfectly normal. You don't stop being a parent when your child becomes an adult.

I think you should see it as an opportunity to do what you want - you must have some interests to pursue? You spend 11 days and nights out of 14 exclusively with your DH. Make the most of the free time!

Oh, just to say that my grown up daughter is a step daughter and my son has a developmental delay so I feel that I have some understanding of where you are coming from.

I could be wrong but perhaps part of the problem is that you feel you don't have a voice where his daughter is concerned. You sound like you've done your best to give your DP space with his daughter without encroaching at all. You mention tiptoeing around her feelings and it sounds as if everything is completely changes during her visits so that you're sidelined.

Perhaps by simply opening up a dialogue with your DP about your SD might help. Of course there shouldn't be any pressure for him to see her less, but maybe if you felt you had more say and control about arrangements for her visits and a more active role when she was there (deciding day trips, perhaps scheduling some couple time while she's there) you'd feel less powerless?