to expect to be a bit more of a priority now stepdaughter is an adult?

[duckbilledplatitudes]

I realise this is a bit of a 'how long is a piece of string' question, but the situation is very complex. In a nutshell, DH's daughter still visiting us at least every other weekend ('long weekends', at that), at the age of 21, and it makes it very difficult to plan social events or get enough time together as a couple, and IMHO this is also to stepdaughter's detriment as she should be spending time with people her own age and building an age-appropriate life for herself. She seems to be happy at home, so it's not like she needs a 'refuge' so to speak, and although I understand she is entitled to see her dad and hopefully feels welcomed by me too, it's hard to not feel the constant visits are damaging DH's and my marriage.
SD has some developmental delays, which complicates matters, and sadly her father lets her 'backslide' and when she is here she's more like a child (not even a teen) than an adult in behavioural terms, sad to say. I do care about her more than it may sound from this post (I'm constantly tiptoeing in my own home so as to avoid hurting her feelings, in fact), and I worry a LOT about her developmental issues, and about how she is ever going to build a happy life for herself, but does that have to mean I'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness indefinitely? Because I don't think I have it in me to do that, unfortunately. I have to confess that after having understood/accepted that she needed to be a priority when younger, after having always been welcoming, friendly, non-critical and accepting (which I still am) towards her on visits... but at the same time after having waited over 15 years for a time when I, and our marriage, might be a bit more of a priority for DH, I am now coming to feel the opposite... that there will never be a time when SD won't come first, that I was stupid and naive to think there ever would.
There seems to be no way I can couch any of this that doesn't make me sound like a selfish, immature b**ch... which I honestly have tried all these years not to be, but it is really so bad that I'm not willing to accept permanently coming second, permanently being bottom priority, either? Thoughts would really be welcomed, I'm pretty much in crisis atm over the future of my marriage and although it's not all down to this, this particular has come to a head for me lately on realising that she may never grow up, break away and make more of life on her own, and that she may be here every other weekend for ever. (Right now, that honestly doesn't feel like an exaggeration.) I'd really welcome input... thanks.

The OP said it was AT LEAST every other weekend, not always every other weekend.

I am thinking what would the situation be for me with grown DCs and not step dcs.

If my DH was giving all his time to my DD who was still visiting most weekends once grown so he and she were doing what a 21 year old wants to do (which isn't what a 41 year old wants) I would get myself a life.

Because I would be annoyed that he didn't want to spend the time with me doing what we both would enjoy. And like I said doing what a 21 year old wants to do- tv, shopping, tv, shopping, drinking and partying (but this dD doesn't do this I guess).

So I would very determinedly and pointedly not do the grind, cooking cleaning etc (if it normally falls to me whilst the others relax) but get out, start new interests, join the gym, learn to canoe, mountain climb , whatever. And leave them to it.

People who are looking forward to their own children leaving home tend to have their children living with them full time, not every other weekend. Big difference.

If you can't manage to get enough time with your DH considering he doesn't actually disappear on the weekends he sees his daughter and you get all the other weekends, maybe you should think about making more of your week nights.

A quick PS just to say that I do get out and do plenty on my own on the weekends she's here, as well as spending time with her and with DH. It still affects me, though, simply in terms of cutting down on the amount of available time DH and I have to do things together as a couple. (He won't plan any 'just me and him' activities on weekends when she's here.)
If something specific is coming up, weekends do get switched around, so I will concede that that helps, but it can also contribute to uncertainty as to what's happening when, and tends to mean a lot of things we might have done together simply don't end up happening because DH won't plan ahead sufficiently, he insists on never planning more than a week or so ahead of time and doesn't require SD to do so either.
SmellTheGlove, yes, I might - thanks. I considered it, but felt I might have received a different set of perspectives for various reasons, and I was keen to hear as wide a set of opinions as possible. What may not be coming across in my posts is the level of guilt I feel over minding all of this the way I do (i.e. a LOT), and especially over not being actively happy and glad for the weekends SD is here, the way I would be if she was my own daughter... but at the same thing I do believe some of what I'm feeling is justifiable so I feel extremely torn.
Part of me feels that this simply means he and I aren't the right partners for each other, sad to say. I am well aware that the way I am feeling may mean he could be with someone else who is better suited to him and to stepparenting. HTH explain where I am coming from a little more fully.

I think:

It's only every other weekend, so you are talking four days out of 30 that you and your dh are with her so for that YABU.

Also a person with developmental delays will always need more nuturing, more help, more time and, as her father she will ALWAYS be his main priority. Would you really love him if she weren't?

I also think it's natural to feel frustrated and sometimes hurt that you are not his number one priority (but again this is only a small percentage of the time) and for that YANBU.

ps I think you sound thoughtful and nice and you feel the way you feel. Also you don't have to love your stepchildren. If you don't you don't. But if you can't accept her place in his life and actively don't like her coming to stay, then maybe you do need to move on. She does have to come first.

Would you have expected your own (if there was one) 21 year-old to have moved out and not visit?

I had boomerang children who were around all the time for years as young adults until finances and relationships sorted themselves out.

Surely you can still go out when she's there sometimes? And if not, there's the other 10/11 days in the week without her.

You say you want a bit more time with your husband, but you have him to yourself for 10 out of 14 days. Why is that not enough?

I don't think you're a horrible person or anything, I just think the mistake you made was all those years ago not completely making peace with the situation, and instead thinking 'someday he will be all mine'. Now that's not happening, it's too much to handle.

From reading MN it strikes me that whenever people start thinking in terms of priority in family relationships, it is guaranteed to cause misery. No one should be a priority, you are family, you are all important. There may be times his child needs him more, that doesn't mean you don't matter.

i can see where you're coming from, to a degree.
not being able to plan a few weeks ahead is a bit annoying, but on the other hand, she's only there every second weekend.

does she date?
if she found herself a nice fella, you probably wouldn't see her for dust.

does she plan to travel at some point? or work/backpack abroad?

as she gets older, hopefully she'll become more independent. she sounds a bit mollycoddled alright. but then to me, 21 is still quite young.
by the time she's 26 or 27 she might have matured and might not be so keen to come to yours at the weekends.

It's EOW you have a whole heap of other days/nights to prioritise your time with DH

My view would be that now she is older that more flexibility around which weekends she comes is needed. I think your DH is being unfair to you in his unwillingness to consider this. I also think it's daft that he rules out the two of you ever going out alone when she's over (assuming that she doesn't need to be looked after). It might make her feel she is a too much of a guest in the house rather than feeling as though it is her second home.

I don't think you're actually being terribly unreasonable.

I have a step dad and lived with him and my mum growing up. He's great, I love him like he's my dad. But I don't delude myself that he and my mum don't enjoy their time together "kid free" as it were, now I'm an adult. I have my own life and they have theirs, granted with great big overlapping bits, which is lovely.

It's a bit different in your step daughters case, because she has a developmental delay. The timeline for her being an independent adult with her own life will be different, perhaps markedly so. And that will affect your partners parenting and priorities. I think it is natural to put your child first, whether they have SN's or not, even when they're adults.

Posted too soon!

But even so, it is natural for you to want the things you want.

Op

If the girl visits for four nights out of thirty you are being terribly unreasonable.

I'm appalled that this girl has to visit and have a stepmother who feels this way about her.

I'm also shocked that you would give up on such a long marriage for the above reason.

A child is for life, not just for christmas.

to have moved out and not visit?

I'd never expect her to not visit. She's his daughter. She'll always have a place here, and rightly so, and I hope that always involves frequent visits.

There are a lot of fair points getting made here but I would also like to point out that I did say some of my concern was for her, and by that I meant she isn't getting any time to socialise or to do things people her age do. She has no friends and she's years away from the boyfriend stage IMHO. She doesn't know how to interact with people her own age and no one seems to be helping her learn. :( The fact that I am getting frustrated on my own behalf (admittedly selfishly to an extent) is true, but what is equally true, and may not be coming over, is that I want her to start having more of a life for her sake. Although my own interests do matter to me, perhaps too much, her happiness also matters a GREAT deal to me. I was an unhappy teen and a not-much-happier young woman and I want things to be better than that for her. Part of my frustration is because I genuinely feel the sheer frequency of visits is holding her back in life, and although I know this might cause some to think 'well, that's convenient, isn't it?', yes, that is the honest flipside of my wishing she was here less often. In other words, it's not just for the sake of myself and DH.

Wow, if DH won't plan anything more than a week ahead, incase DSD wants to show up, then the disruption for you is massive. Those saying its only four days each month are missing this point.

I love my DSSs dearly, and they know and acknowledge it, but I'm very glad we are past the time when their needs needed to come first in this way.

You have my warmest sympathies, I think you are a saint to be hiding these very natural feelings of frustration. Sorry, that level of 'can't plan ahead just incase' would be a deal breaker for me.

Quitelikely, it's not just 'for the above reason'. I know my first post wasn't that informative, but I did say my ambivalence over my marriage was not all down to this issue. I feel you have read my original post somewhat selectively and I don't feel the 'clever' ending to your response is particularly constructive. Hopefully my subsequent posts have helped provide a little more insight into how I am feeling.

I visit my DCs but really after a few nights - say 3 or 4 we are quite glad to wave bye and for me to get back to my life and them to theirs.

Likewise if my DCs come here they stay a night or two then get bored, they want their partners / friends and head off.

This seems normal to me. We have our own lives.

Very sad that the DSD is not getting an opportunity to form her own life, I would guess she would be happier if she did.

I think that a parent's priority is always their child no matter how old and independent that child is.

What happens when she isn't with you?

I do think Yabu, 2 weekends a month isn't lots, it sounds like your welcome to spend time with them (if your dp went and left you and stayed with his ds that would be a little different) this is a young woman you have known since she was a little girl, I'd have thought you'd like spending time with her.

I hope that by the age of 21 my dc are living independently but you can't plan everything in the future and if they want/need to live at home and have company/attention from me in the way a younger child would then that's what I'll do as I am a parent and they are the most precious and important thing in my life.

This thread has made me so sad.

OP plan things for the weekends when your SD isn't about / do stuff in the week.

And not planning more than a week ahead is weird.

'Welcome to spend time with them'???? Excuse me, but... isn't it just as much my home as it is theirs? You make it sound like I should be grateful to be allowed in their company!

I think that a parent's priority is always their child no matter how old and independent that child is

I think the parent's priority is to form an independent person to go out into the world and live their own life, not to throttle them with apron strings.

Just an after thought...

What are all these things that you want to plan that require so much notice?

I don't think that's weird. I hate planning more than a few days ahead. I find planning ahead very restrictive and would rather go with the flow.

Duckbilled. You are clearly very upset about this and it's making you respond quite defensively to some of the posts on here. I don't think that cleaning fairy meant it like that, more that you are not being excluded from things so can be as involved as you want, which is a positive thing.