to expect to be a bit more of a priority now stepdaughter is an adult?

[duckbilledplatitudes]

I realise this is a bit of a 'how long is a piece of string' question, but the situation is very complex. In a nutshell, DH's daughter still visiting us at least every other weekend ('long weekends', at that), at the age of 21, and it makes it very difficult to plan social events or get enough time together as a couple, and IMHO this is also to stepdaughter's detriment as she should be spending time with people her own age and building an age-appropriate life for herself. She seems to be happy at home, so it's not like she needs a 'refuge' so to speak, and although I understand she is entitled to see her dad and hopefully feels welcomed by me too, it's hard to not feel the constant visits are damaging DH's and my marriage.
SD has some developmental delays, which complicates matters, and sadly her father lets her 'backslide' and when she is here she's more like a child (not even a teen) than an adult in behavioural terms, sad to say. I do care about her more than it may sound from this post (I'm constantly tiptoeing in my own home so as to avoid hurting her feelings, in fact), and I worry a LOT about her developmental issues, and about how she is ever going to build a happy life for herself, but does that have to mean I'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness indefinitely? Because I don't think I have it in me to do that, unfortunately. I have to confess that after having understood/accepted that she needed to be a priority when younger, after having always been welcoming, friendly, non-critical and accepting (which I still am) towards her on visits... but at the same time after having waited over 15 years for a time when I, and our marriage, might be a bit more of a priority for DH, I am now coming to feel the opposite... that there will never be a time when SD won't come first, that I was stupid and naive to think there ever would.
There seems to be no way I can couch any of this that doesn't make me sound like a selfish, immature b**ch... which I honestly have tried all these years not to be, but it is really so bad that I'm not willing to accept permanently coming second, permanently being bottom priority, either? Thoughts would really be welcomed, I'm pretty much in crisis atm over the future of my marriage and although it's not all down to this, this particular has come to a head for me lately on realising that she may never grow up, break away and make more of life on her own, and that she may be here every other weekend for ever. (Right now, that honestly doesn't feel like an exaggeration.) I'd really welcome input... thanks.

You're unhappy in your marriage and are choosing to focus on the 4 or 5 days a month your SD is in the house. This isnt down to her.

If she stops visiting, your marriage wont suddenly improve because the problem is with your DH and you. Blaming her visits is just stopping you from seeing, and dealing with, whatever is really causing your alienation from him. The rights or wrongs of her visiting EOW are irrelevant. Its happening and its not going to stop any time soon, so you need to make your decisions based on the fact that it isnt going to change.

I am a bit agog that 15 years ago you got married, safe in the knowledge that one day his DD would bugger off and you would have him to yourself! Why marry a man with a child if you want him all to yourself? Its never going to happen, he is always going to be a father and perhaps one day a grandfather. What you seem to be saying in a nutshell is "Look she is 21, I have been waiting all these years for her to go and she wont!". I think you are fooling yourself if you think that your resentment and impatience hasnt been noticed.

You will be a step parent as long as you are married to him and need to accept that she isnt just going to disappear. If you cant do that then you need to leave the marriage.

It isn't unreasonable to expect an adult to entertain themselves

No it isnt, and if she was living at the OPs house all the time then it would be a different matter. But she sees her father for 2 weekends a month and it seems, from the OPs posts, that they want to spend time together. It doesnt seem that she wants entertaining but wants to see her Dad, and the Dad wants to see her. They are both happy with the situation but the OP seems very jealous of the time they spend together and is dressing it up as concern for the DD and a loss of "our" time.

I think the problem is with your DH not the time being spent with your DSD or your DSD.

I don't think the OP has shown anything other than concern for her SD's welfare here.

OP is human and would like some time to herself with her DH but acknowledges SD's needs, she is conflicted with these feelings and is asking us to shed light on her situation as independent observers. I do not see what good projecting all sorts of hidden agendas, motives and feelings onto the Op will do here.

We only have the information the OP is telling us so lets just stick to that before we make unnecessary assumptions.

OP - I always believe when people assert all sorts of wrong motivations to what I am doing or feeling and get me wrong it tells me more about them than it does about me. If some of these more hurtful assumptions do hit a nerve of truth maybe that is something you can explore about yourself and the situation but otherwise, if you know these to be hurtful but bear no real relevance to your true feelings I would urge you to throw them away and pay no attention.

Other people's opinions and perspectives are their own for a reason based upon their experiences and world view, some are relevant and helpful, some not so much! I think some people do not so much read the real thread as write up their own story with you cast as the lead character of their own creation.

She does get time to herself with her DH- Balls- about 25 out of 30 days a month.

I do get where your comng from OP- the time you get to yourself with DH is probabaly a couple of hrs each weekday evening before crashing out - at least thats what mine is!!
Im in a similar position although DSD is only 15 nearly 16 but its every weekend. Also I have had 3 Dc of my own, one still at home (22) so Im thinking Ive done my bit, and although I welcome DSD of couse, Im thinking when will this every weekend stayover, cease! my DSD also brings a friend occasionally, which means a housefull but a me & Dp have more time togerther as she is not sitting on top of us then - she has her own room, with sky,huge tV etc,but insists on sitting with us.
On the other hand DP has to put up with my messy/thoughtless DS too- , who at 22 should be looking to move out but cant afford to!!
On top of all that Im also a gran of two babies, so fitting all this in with a fulltime job is very hard.
One day I will be free, ( then probably bored) ha ha

In what way does your DH let her act like she is 10 when she is with you?

Haven't rtft yet, but YANBU. I think that the fact that she is your DSD rather than DD is a bit of a red herring. As she's 21 you shouldn't have to be avoiding making plans or changing plans last minute just because she wants to visit. When I came home for weekends at that age I either went with my parents on their outings, or stayed home alone. No way I would have expected them to not go.

MrsJay - er yes we do let our off spring go and let them lead their own lives, they aren't children any longer and will make their own way in life. They will ask if they want guidance but parenting a child has come to an end.

Op's dsd is in a different position so its not quite as clear cut

My 21 yr old still lives at home am I meant to stop spending time with her cos she is 21 ?Not all yyoung adults move away to university at 18 never to return yes my dd is an adult with her own life job boyfriend friends college but we still spend time together. The op SD isn't at the stage of work college boyfriend she wants to spend time with her dad and the op is having a hard time dealing with the fact she is still around the dd isn't going anywhere she has SN and maybe will never have what other 21yr olds have and the op is quite frankly blaming her for it

She's not blaming her for it, OP is having a hard time as she's realised she's never going to get the planned grown up time that lots of couples look forward to. And she as no say in it, that's hard... But she should be talking to her husband about it.

norahDentressangle Tue 31-Mar-15 19:45:00

I think the parent's priority is to form an independent person to go out into the world and live their own life, not to throttle them with apron strings.

^^ With NT offspring this

With DC with any developmental issues then the goal posts move but even so DC should be start to steered towards other support systems, parents won't necessarily be around/fit enough to give full support as they get older.

I get what the OP is saying and she is not saying that she doesn't want SD around just that the balance should shift.

Mrsjay if you don't know whether you can spend time with your dd as that might count as parenting your adult dd then possible there is a problem with your ideas of a parents role

My DS2 has SN. My exH left us and remarried. He has the 3 DSs EOW. I very much value my EOW when I'm not responsible for DS2. It's my only break. He is 15 and won't be leaving home for a very long time. He is autistic and is happy without friends. He feels comfortable with me, his brothers and with his DF. He doesn't want friends.

My exH has already made noises about stopping regular visits once each DS turns 18, no longer taking them on holiday, etc. It worries me. I can see that he wants me to shoulder all the responsibility for DS2 as an adult.

I'm sorry, but why should he get to do this? He already has 12 days per fortnight alone with his wife. One of his reasons for leaving me was that he couldn't take the constant responsibility. Having any child is more than an 18 year role. Having one with SN is obviously much longer.

I admire your DH. He clearly wants to remain part of his DD's life, and really, she did come first and she sounds like she will always be vulnerable and require support. Do you actually need these extra free days with your DH as much as she does?

OP you do sound honest and reasonable and most people are acknowledging your feelings but PLEASE if you take anything away from this thread let it be these thoughts:

1. As PPs said, you can't go by society's timeframe of when a kid is ready to leave home or 'be an adult' especially if they have developmental delay.

1. What Bogeyface said: Why marry a man with a child if you want him all to yourself? Its never going to happen, he is always going to be a father and perhaps one day a grandfather. What you seem to be saying in a nutshell is "Look she is 21, I have been waiting all these years for her to go and she wont!". I think you are fooling yourself if you think that your resentment and impatience hasnt been noticed.

MyCatIsAGit (so is mine by the way!

But what you said to MrsJay is disingenuous...

Yes some/most parents look forward to financial and social freedom once their children become adults/live independently.

But that doesn't mean we want to start cutting down the amount of time they spend with us (if they want to), that they can't stay with us, live with us, holiday with us.

Most parents I know feel quite the opposite when their kids hit 20-ish: 'I hope they still come home from uni at weekends/holidays and want to spend time with us'. Not 'Right they are independent now so I hope they start scheduling less weekends with us from now on'.

martini fair point, but some parents, my DH included and I thers I know, will have been looking forward to the dynamic changing, being invited round for dinner at theirs for example rather than always doing the inviting...

The OP is realising she's never going to get that shift. That must be tough however you deal with it.

It isn't really clear how much extra support your SD needs.
Can she stay home on her own safely?
If so I think it would help to have a more free and easy arrangement where you can occasionally go out even if she is staying with you.
Have you talked to her about hobbies and things she would like to do? Is there any way of you taking her to activities where she may gradually meet friends and then inviting her friends to your home for a meal?
It is difficult to make suggestions without knowing the extent of her learning difficulties but I do feel that even though she is an adult she still needs her father's support.

Sorry OP, I think you will have a lifetime of this.

Your DH still sees her as a little girl. And it sounds that emotionally and socially she still is.

While I really do feel for you, I do think your DH is doing what he thinks best for his vulnerable DD.

Do you get any vacation time with your DH?
If not, could you involve DSD in planning a holiday (for just You and DH) and get her support in persuading DH to go? If he has her blessing, he may be more open to plans.

Likewise, can you make her your alli in any plans, visit relatives, dine somewhere new, etc?

OP I have no advice for you but I just wanted to say that it is obvious you are very worried about how you come across here and don't want to come across as an evil step mother. You come across really lovely to me and I think it is very clear you think a lot of her and have been a great step mother and you are also concerned for her. You sound awesome.

The situation sounds very complicated and I wonder if it might be an idea for you to start a thread in relationships to explore what else is going on in your marriage. This seems much more of a marriage issue than a step parenting one and the problems are being projected onto the step child situation.

Sorry I've been so quiet, Easter weekend commitments and I won't get properly back on here till tomorrow, but just wanted to thank everyone who's taken the trouble to make constructive (and some very kind and thoughtful) comments on here. There are some questions that have been asked, which I will reply to when I get a minute.
Not everyone is going to think what I have been saying here is OK, and that's OK too. I have to choose to ignore the tone of one or two posts, because I know who I am and I know certain posters are wrong about me, but everything that has been offered as constructive/respectful feedback is welcomed, including comments that have challenged me on my attitude, because I have really been in need of help to think about all of this from different perspectives. And certain people have been really lovely and helped a lot with the guilt I feel over all this, so thanks to those individuals. I'll come back to this soon.

Ellenjane makes a good point. Maybe those 2 weekends a month provide a little bit of respite for her mother.

I just want to add something as I think my post explaining more about the 'special needs' angle may have been missed by some. I hope I'm not breaking the rules if I re-paste some of it in here as I think it may be being perceived that SD's issues are more significant than they actually are.

Extract from my earlier post:
the developmental delays I mention aren't especially 'concrete' so to speak. The main thing is a (in my view) moderately severe speech impediment, which DH (and, as far as I can tell, his ex) completely refuse to even acknowledge the existence of. Probably for related reasons, she is very young for her age in how she comes across outwardly (more like about 12 or 13 really) and her social skills IMHO will not serve her in terms of functioning socially. She tends to alienate others without meaning to, simply by approaching social situations in a certain way.
I know quite a lot about autism from experience with people in my life, and I personally think she could be mildly affected by it (this too has been dismissed when I have tried to bring it up sensitively, I'm not a mother so apparently I don't know anything), but if so, it only seems to affect social function. She's able to function independently, can cook (pretty well actually), has a decent amount of common sense, is learning to drive and generally speaking can manage the practical side of life, it's the social side where I worry hugely (for her sake - this really isn't all about me by any stretch of the imagination) about her ever managing to develop enough that she can live happily. DH and his ex just say she's an adult now and you can't tell an adult what to do, but IMHO she'd be happier if she even just had speech therapy, something else DH has always staunchly denied a need for.

Hope that helps clarify. Also note that all I said in my original post was 'some developmental delays', not 'learning difficulties', I don't think the latter is the case at all and I avoided 'special needs' as I think this might be putting it too strongly in SD's case, I can't be sure though, as no type of assessment has ever taken place. None of this is meant as any kind of snub to any of the advice I'm getting, BTW - I just want to make sure I'm conveying things accurately. :)

If your DH's DD has "issues" that prevent her from hitting the normal milestones of growing up and gaining independence, then that is as much your DH's responsibility as his exW's.

If your DH's DD has "issues" that prevent her from hitting the normal milestones of growing up and gaining independence, then that is as much your DH's responsibility as his exW's.

I agree... I'm not doing anything to prevent this from happening, though. DH has his head completely in the sand over her issues IMHO. This may not make any sense, but I think I'd actually be far less frustrated and find frequency of visits to be far less of an issue if I had any sense of DH's facing up to things and actually stepping up to help SD. As it is, he just enables behaviours that are detrimental to SD's life IMHO, and as a result she tends to regress when she's here. So it's not even a very helpful place for her to be in terms of her being able to start to develop a life that would make her happy, which she currently isn't. :(