to expect to be a bit more of a priority now stepdaughter is an adult?

[duckbilledplatitudes]

I realise this is a bit of a 'how long is a piece of string' question, but the situation is very complex. In a nutshell, DH's daughter still visiting us at least every other weekend ('long weekends', at that), at the age of 21, and it makes it very difficult to plan social events or get enough time together as a couple, and IMHO this is also to stepdaughter's detriment as she should be spending time with people her own age and building an age-appropriate life for herself. She seems to be happy at home, so it's not like she needs a 'refuge' so to speak, and although I understand she is entitled to see her dad and hopefully feels welcomed by me too, it's hard to not feel the constant visits are damaging DH's and my marriage.
SD has some developmental delays, which complicates matters, and sadly her father lets her 'backslide' and when she is here she's more like a child (not even a teen) than an adult in behavioural terms, sad to say. I do care about her more than it may sound from this post (I'm constantly tiptoeing in my own home so as to avoid hurting her feelings, in fact), and I worry a LOT about her developmental issues, and about how she is ever going to build a happy life for herself, but does that have to mean I'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness indefinitely? Because I don't think I have it in me to do that, unfortunately. I have to confess that after having understood/accepted that she needed to be a priority when younger, after having always been welcoming, friendly, non-critical and accepting (which I still am) towards her on visits... but at the same time after having waited over 15 years for a time when I, and our marriage, might be a bit more of a priority for DH, I am now coming to feel the opposite... that there will never be a time when SD won't come first, that I was stupid and naive to think there ever would.
There seems to be no way I can couch any of this that doesn't make me sound like a selfish, immature b**ch... which I honestly have tried all these years not to be, but it is really so bad that I'm not willing to accept permanently coming second, permanently being bottom priority, either? Thoughts would really be welcomed, I'm pretty much in crisis atm over the future of my marriage and although it's not all down to this, this particular has come to a head for me lately on realising that she may never grow up, break away and make more of life on her own, and that she may be here every other weekend for ever. (Right now, that honestly doesn't feel like an exaggeration.) I'd really welcome input... thanks.

What are all these things that you want to plan that require so much notice

ERr theatre tickets - err concerts - err restaurants - errr weekends away - I think some of the posters on here are school age!

It's hard to say but if it's only for a weekend albeit a long weekend a fortnight then it Doesnt seem too bad. Do you feel like you are DHs priority the rest of the time?

Totality22 - time to spend with other family and friends as well as with SD. People live in various parts of the country and planning isn't straightforward.

Yes it's as much your home as theirs, that's the point, you do what you want to do, your dp wants to do what he wants to do, if you want to join in with what your dp is doing then great, if your dp wants to join in what your doing great, if he doesn't want to do what you want to do either do it by yourself, do what your dp wants to do, or leave.

It sounds like your dsd is quite isolated and vulnerable, she has no friends but you resent her spending a few days a month with her father. Yes ideally she'd be off having a fabulous time with other young people but I don't think asking her to limit contact with one of the few people she interacts with is kind.

Sorry I think you are being unreasonable OP. She only visits every other weekend, I just don't get why you can't do stuff with your DH the rest if the time. I left home at 21 but visited my parents almost daily for some time as we lived close by. To me having her visit more often now she is older eg popping in for a cuppa and a chat would seem more normal.

She has the other 26+ days each month to see other people her own age if she wants. How can the few days spent with you hurt?

I feel sad for her that you can't wait to see less of her. You say you want to be a priority to your DH but for a parent their kids should always come first especially if she has SN. How can you not see that she should've his priority?

Perhaps you need to talk to him about how you plan the free time you have. What do you want to do that you have to plan in advance and thus are missing out on? Perhaps if you could address these things you would feel better about everything.

Not intending to be defensive at all. But I think it's fair to say that some things are bound to hit a nerve, in a situation like this.

I wish Norah! But with the exception of a weekend away (and even then I'd do it last minute if possible), and theatre if someone bought me tickets I wouldn't plan ahead for it... Anyway... I digress ... Sorry OP

Those of you who are saying what's the issue around not being able to plan ahead? Well perhaps the OP would like to go to the theatre, or on holiday or out for dinner in a restaurant which requires pre-booking some time ahead? Sadly, in this life, you do have to plan. So if DH won't allow it in case SDD decides to come round, that's a pain.

I don't know what to suggest other than see if you can push back on the visits a bit so it becomes one in three weekends. And do more in the week, work permitting. Or plan things yourself and go out with friends/your own family. Maybe think of activities you could do with SDD where perhaps you could introduce her to new people her own age?

It seems to me that the issue is your inability to plan ahead as you don't know when your DSS will be coming for the weekend and the assumption that all plans will be dropped when she does come. From what you've said your DH is comfortable with that and you aren't, which I can understand and I wouldn't be either

I think you need to have a talk with your DH about this. I don't think it would be unreasonable to say to his daughter that if she wants to come on X weekend then she is very welcome to, but you and your husband have a prior commitment. You can let her know well in advance and if she still wants to come then that's great, if not she can arrange for another weekend.

I wouldn't expect my parents to put their lives on hold for my visits and neither should you have to.

Partner still has his children over at weekends and they're all late teens. If we want to go out, we do, and they'll either come with us or stay at home. Of course, if are able to plan it for during the week we do so partner can spend time with his kids, but if not it's not the end of the world. His eldest has his own apartment and still comes at weekends, lol, it's just habit.

Absolutely OP, I don't think that you are intending to be defensive at all but just that you are feeling very raw at the moment and it's hard to be objective when feeling like that. You definitely deserve and

I do think you're being unreasonable.

My DDs are in ther early twenties and at uni. They are often here for weekends/holidays and I get very little notice. Their friends seem to do the same thing, so they aren't the only ones.

If your SD with you for 2/3 nights, you have 11/12 night a fortnight with your DH.

If your worried about her social skills, could you encourage your DH to help her in some way?

Mmm, you have all my sympathies, OP. My dd kept on coming back to live and is living here now at the age of 30. But since she became an adult, we both come and go as we please and sometimes do things together. It strikes me as very OTT for your husband to cancel everything while his dd is on one of her frequent visits.

I am wondering if your DH is lazy - and having his dd visit makes it an easy stay at home weekend, rather than actually doing something. She gives him an excuse. Likewise not helping her to develop her life, the easy option.

I am secure in the knowledge that my DP love me- but nevertheless from the moment I left for uni I've had to give plenty of notice before weekends home if I want to spend every (or indeed any) minute with them, they've always been here, there and everywhere.

I don't think it's the DSD visiting that's the problem, it's the uncertainty about dates and the unwillingness to plan ahead, or even leave DSD home alone if a party invitation has been accepted or a theatre trip booked.

Although the actual time isn't huge, i appreciate if you work ft then dsd is around for a lot of your key leisure time. It also sounds like it's not just the time she 'takes up' but how her time with your dp and your time with your dp is prioritised.

Why does he refuse to plan ahead? It sounds like planning ahead for certain things with your dp on 'your' weekend might help you feel like less of an afterthought.

You say your dsd has mild sn, which does put a different angle on things, as to be honest, as long as your dc want to visit, parents would want to accommodate that, and as dsd has sn, this is longer than many other grownup children.

My dad remarried when my mum died, and my stepmum had a sister with Down's syndrome. Sister lived in a care home many hours away, not a big part of their life. But a series of events led to stepmum having little choice but to had sister live with them, which she was very happy to do as best for sister.

My dad has embraced this new chapter to his life, even though this is definitely not how he saw his retirement panning out. Sister is living with them indefinitely and a much loved member of their family but still daily burden on their lives.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that your dsd may end up monopolising half your weekends for the rest of your life, if your dp wants that, you can't force him to change. He can however make steps to promote independence with your dsd, depending on sn, there may come a time when she is keen to see him less regularly.

He can also ensure you don't feel sidelined the rest of the time, planning in advance if you want to go away etc. if he won't see it from your angle, I agree that you don't sound like you can handle this situation longer term.

Interestingly, no-one has yet brought up the fact that SD may not actually WANT to be sticking to the standard 'EOW rule'! Has anyone thought of asking her what her opinion is? Has it occurred to anyone that she may not want to offend her dad/SM by saying that she doesn't want to stick to a routine that is now very much entrenched?

Sometimes a gentle nudge in the right direction and by that, I mean telling her that she doesn't have to stick to a routine any more and can actually pop over for a night whenever she wants to and whenever it's convenient for everyone. That may mean that she visits during the week and stays over more often, but it also frees up whole weekends for you to do those things that you need to. And you do. Having children doesn't mean the end of your social life, or the end of you as a partnership! Actually, in an 'intact' family, the parents generally come first!

She needs to be gently steered in the right direction to building a more 'adult' relationship with her parent/you - it will take time, but it's actually unkind to SD to keep her in a routine that she should be slowly growing out of.

The issue is not that you need to get her to visit less (please don't do this esp if she doesn't have many friends it would be very unkind), but to get your husband to listen to you and understand there are things you would like to do that are just not happening.

Not everyone does stuff that needs planning every weekend or even very often but if you never get the chance I can understand how this might pee you off. However can you not go to concerts or the theatre or a restaurant in the week? Or plan those things last minute when you know she won't be around? You could even book last minute weekends away. Alternatively just plan something in every couple of months and make sure she is aware you won't be available.

Tbh I think the issue is more with you DH than your DSD.

Thanks for the responses, folks. I'm not going to be able to get online again now till tomorrow but there have been some really kind and supportive voices here, and, as I've said, I did genuinely want honest responses so I am processing everything people have said here. (TinLizzie, she chooses to visit that often which is why I am loath to risk her being hurt by suggesting it should be less often, but I like your suggestion - thanks. :) She lives some distance away, but not so much so that the arrangement couldn't be more 'ad hoc'.)
All I would ask is that those who think I am being awful, ask yourself if you have taken in everything I have said in my various responses, because I think some have missed the things I have said about the care and concern and even worry I do feel for SD. If some have read those things and still think IABU, that is their prerogative, and I don't mean that in a confrontational way. All I am saying is that I have tried to present a balanced picture here and I am far from being the ogre I may have made myself sound. I'll come back to this when I am back online.

Like poster said its only 3days out of 14, I do find you a little selfish if not a tad childish to your own needs, its his dd ffs, you should be pleased he's the way he is,
Some kids never leave home ... Now that's a thought :(

I agree with Norah. If he really wanted to go to the theatre/concert/other family visits he would!

Also OP, SN or not, children all develop at different rates. My DNiece left home at 18 for uni an DB and DSil hardly saw her from then on, just kept in touch on the internet. They see a lot more of her now she's 25! Whereas one or the other of them meet up with DNeph every weekend even though he's at uni. But then they all enjoy each other's company.

Ironically, one of the things we really missed when we became parents is the ability to do things on the spur of the moment, instead of having to plan ahead.

One of the starkest things about being a parent (IME) is that when children arrive, you both go down the pecking order. I am a priority, but not DH's top priority. And vice versa. if I had the choice of saving him or DD from a burning building, I would save her. And so would he.

It seems to me you have an awful lot of couple time, but it's not enough for you. There's something else that you're seeking, but after 15 years of marriage you might think about how realistic your expectations have been all these years.

Yes most people look forward to the years after children, but there's the hope that this happens against the background of finding a happy and successful niche for themselves. Not everyone achieves that at 21.

Here on MN I've seen many posts along the lines of "My DH works all hours/ is always at the gym/ plays football and gets pissed every Sunday/ won't learn to drive etc" Those women are complaining that their DH doesn't give priority to their families, and that they have to bear the brunt of it.

You seem to be complaining that your DH has never prioritised you and him as a couple. But there was always his DD, and there always will be.

in what way is he encouraging her to backslide when she is there is he babying her? its not to her benefit for her to backslide is it?

i would be concerned too have you spoken to your dh about this?

You say SD has mild learning difficulties, how much support does she need and is she getting it? Is she likely to ever be able to live independently without support? Is there a long term plan in place for her? What does DH feel about her needs?
Are you willing to support her for years to come, as having a child with additional needs is a lifelong commitment.......you can't expect your DH to walk away but you need decide if you are able to live with it.

I think that she's only there for a few nights a fortnight. So you have what, 10-11 days a fortnight (so, 20-22 days a month) when you and your DH are alone. Why can't you do things with your husband then? You have five nights a week to go out for dinner or go to the cinema or whatever it is you want to do, yet you begrudge him a few nights a month with his LD daughter?