to expect to be a bit more of a priority now stepdaughter is an adult?

[duckbilledplatitudes]

I realise this is a bit of a 'how long is a piece of string' question, but the situation is very complex. In a nutshell, DH's daughter still visiting us at least every other weekend ('long weekends', at that), at the age of 21, and it makes it very difficult to plan social events or get enough time together as a couple, and IMHO this is also to stepdaughter's detriment as she should be spending time with people her own age and building an age-appropriate life for herself. She seems to be happy at home, so it's not like she needs a 'refuge' so to speak, and although I understand she is entitled to see her dad and hopefully feels welcomed by me too, it's hard to not feel the constant visits are damaging DH's and my marriage.
SD has some developmental delays, which complicates matters, and sadly her father lets her 'backslide' and when she is here she's more like a child (not even a teen) than an adult in behavioural terms, sad to say. I do care about her more than it may sound from this post (I'm constantly tiptoeing in my own home so as to avoid hurting her feelings, in fact), and I worry a LOT about her developmental issues, and about how she is ever going to build a happy life for herself, but does that have to mean I'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness indefinitely? Because I don't think I have it in me to do that, unfortunately. I have to confess that after having understood/accepted that she needed to be a priority when younger, after having always been welcoming, friendly, non-critical and accepting (which I still am) towards her on visits... but at the same time after having waited over 15 years for a time when I, and our marriage, might be a bit more of a priority for DH, I am now coming to feel the opposite... that there will never be a time when SD won't come first, that I was stupid and naive to think there ever would.
There seems to be no way I can couch any of this that doesn't make me sound like a selfish, immature b**ch... which I honestly have tried all these years not to be, but it is really so bad that I'm not willing to accept permanently coming second, permanently being bottom priority, either? Thoughts would really be welcomed, I'm pretty much in crisis atm over the future of my marriage and although it's not all down to this, this particular has come to a head for me lately on realising that she may never grow up, break away and make more of life on her own, and that she may be here every other weekend for ever. (Right now, that honestly doesn't feel like an exaggeration.) I'd really welcome input... thanks.

yet you begrudge him a few nights a month with his LD daughter

Isn't it the weekends, ie the only days that the OP and DH actually get off work, not 'a few' nights only unless she is a vampire

I think your DP needs to try and give her independence, and you support, by going out as a couple occasionally when she's visiting. Is she safe home alone?

I've refrained from commenting on this thread, but I really think the OP is getting a hard time. I really don't think YABU to have thought that after so many years you and your husband would be able to have child free time together, and that you could start to plan the things you want to do. I have so much sympathy for you.

I know there's many parents and step parents who must be thinking that way, once the kids are grown up you get time to be you as a couple not just as parents. I completely get the fact that you don't think you are seen as a priority, and it is different for step parents, you get very little say or control in how the day, weekend, year, your life pans out. And it does come as a shock and builds over the years.

I'm sure there's many step parent who think of walking away at times.

Where you might be unreasonable is how you handle it - it needs to be a partnership decision between you and your husband. And if things aren't changing then accept that in any straight race between you and his daughter, his daughter's needs are going to win over yours.

I can see how that would be massively frustrating - you're constantly being told that whatever you want to do may well be cancelled at the last minute if SD decides to show up. If i'm in a relationship with someone, I don't expect my wants and needs to constantly come second to someone else.

Part of the fun of being in an adult relationship is the things you do together - holidays, cinema trips, meals out, visiting friends. It sounds a bit like you're living the life of a mistress - there's a more important person around who must always take priority, and when they turn up you must pretend that everything is fine and happy.

It really sounds like the best and easiest thing you could do is to sit your DH down and tell him that SDs visits need to be a bit more planned so that you can plan things around them - its not unreasonable to tell someone that youd love to have them visit, but it cant be next weekend because you'll be away.

I do think YABVU about not having enough couple time, if you only have her with you for 4 nights out of 14.
However I think YANBU about not being able to plan anything in advance, but to be honest this is a problem with your husband not your SD. Can you maybe start gradually and get him to agree to a pre-planned weekend once every 6 weeks or so. SD can have plenty of notice so should be able to cope with the arrangement. Maybe even give her the option of joining you, to show you are not pushing her out (which I know you are not), you just want to plan some events in advance.
You have not said what her needs are, where she lives the rest of the time or whether she works etc. With more information people can probably give you some good advice about what steps you can take to encourage more independence (especially on the SEN board). Also please don't imagine all 21 year olds are out partying all the time, I know plenty who still like to spend time with their families at weekends.

If you have her only 3-4 days per fortnight I feel the issue is more deep rooted for you? I think you need to accept that your SD is always going to be around, esp when factoring in her special care needs. Perhaps this situation isn't for you? What would happen if she had to come and live with you?

As many of us know, parenting is for life. I find that mine actually need more time now that they are getting older.

I think YANBU.

I don't think it's a case of wanting rid of her. I think it's probably two issues.

1. You want the ability to plan and enjoy weekends with your OH. Not just live one weekend to the next. Having a say in that is not unreasonable and I think those that say 'oh but you have the other 11 days with him' are totally missing the point! I'm sure you work during the week so that doesn't give you much scope to gad about mon-fri!!! Weekends are for looking forward to and plan for. The OP doesn't seem to be able to enjoy that luxury!

1. Your DSD is not able to relate to you in an adult way so you are stuck in the child mode, not moving onto interacting with her as an adult which is far less demanding/exhausting/frustrating.

I have a step mum and I am a step mum so I totally get where you are coming from. At 21 I wouldn't have dreamed of hanging around my dads every other weekend, too many other interesting things to do! I would have totally understood why my step mum would have been frustrated if I had!!

I also have a DSD who is going through the same thing as your DSD. She is at uni but spends so much time at home and doesn't seem to have made many friends. She very very slowly starting to turn a corner and dating is quite a long way away! She's early twenties never had a boyfriend. I'm starting to think that life is very different these days. Kids in some ways seem a lot more independent but overall are actually a lot more dependant on their parents than we were.

The way I see it is I'm raising my child to be an adult not teaching them to be a child. Your DH needs to consider how he is contributing to his daughters lack if progress. Maybe her LD isn't the problem, maybe he is? My DH was a bit like this until the penny finally dropped that he was talking to and relating to his daughter like she was a little girl not an adult (it was actually at a BBQ when he noticed how younger girls were acting more mature that he realised what he'd been doing). Once he started talking to her in a more adult way (still warm and affectionate!) she started turning a corner.

Your issue us with your DH not DSD

For those saying OP is not being unreasonable, imagine if you got a new partner and you only saw your DC for a few days a fortnight. Surely your priority would be to spend time with your DC, when you have 11 other days to spend time with your partner?

OP I don't for one minute think you are bad or wanting to get rid of her. (I'm assuming that you don't have children?) but I know certainly in my case that as mine have gotten older I am much busier. Giving children lifts, facilitating sleepovers, drop offs at clubs etc. I think this is a common theme, you only have to read the numerous threads on here about people complaining that they can't have proper sex because they have teenagers in the house.

I think you need to decide if you are happy to continue on like this; it sounds like the creeping around you say you are doing in your own home is having a bad effect on you. If your DSD has LD then she may never be completely independent therefore these long weekends may never stop.

I think as step mum I'd a SEN child you need to realise a few things
1 you and your DH will be reasonable for her care for the rest of your life's.
2 She could move in with you at anytime.
3 She should have a social worker I suggest all the parents and step parents get together and say they can cope otherwise you will caring for her your whole life. As there are not many places out there and they have to fought for And it can takes ages.
The fact that you plan is sadly a fact of life if you are caring for SEN person as their needs come 1st. As you are the only people that can meet them.
Good luck

I think you are very good hearted to take on a life long Commitment.

I actually think your problem is with your DH, not your DSD. If he was prepared to book some weekends ahead with you, I think you'd feel better about the whole situation. I think that's what you need to address with him. So being able to book a weekend away or a Saturday night out and for your DSD to visit at another time (or possibly join you on a night out/stay at home for the evening).

This seems to be a big part of the issue, that your life is arranged around the visits from DSD, so there's no compromise. Not to say that it should go 100% the other way, just a middle ground where both sides compromise.

Good luck though, it really does sound like your DH is going to be hard work.

Does she live with her mother the rest of the time, or on her own? If the latter, I'd say it was perfectly normal for a 21 year old to come home 2 fortnights a month. Many people in their thirties still do it!

Yes, you could make her feel uncomfortable, and make her feel like one of those unfortunate people who isn't welcome in the family home from an early age, but families are about sharing space and time, and do you really want to be that person for the sake of being top dog?

Added into that SEN, which I know nothing about, but I imagine only make such concerns much harder to deal with.

Hi folks, I don't feel up to typing as much as I had intended to right now as DH has just behaved extremely hurtfully towards me over something completely unrelated to this, but I don't think I supplied enough info initially so just to add some further detail: the developmental delays I mention aren't especially 'concrete' so to speak. The main thing is a (in my view) moderately severe speech impediment, which DH (and, as far as I can tell, his ex) completely refuse to even acknowledge the existence of. Probably for related reasons, she is very young for her age in how she comes across outwardly (more like about 12 or 13 really) and her social skills IMHO will not serve her in terms of functioning socially. She tends to alienate others without meaning to, simply by approaching social situations in a certain way.
I know quite a lot about autism from experience with people in my life, and I personally think she could be mildly affected by it (this too has been dismissed when I have tried to bring it up sensitively, I'm not a mother so apparently I don't know anything), but if so, it only seems to affect social function. She's able to function independently, can cook (pretty well actually), has a decent amount of common sense, is learning to drive and generally speaking can manage the practical side of life, it's the social side where I worry hugely (for her sake - this really isn't all about me by any stretch of the imagination) about her ever managing to develop enough that she can live happily. DH and his ex just say she's an adult now and you can't tell an adult what to do, but IMHO she'd be happier if she even just had speech therapy, something else DH has always staunchly denied a need for. SD is jobless, friendless and boyfriendless and I think it is possible that my previous points have laboured my own feelings about the effects on my own life too heavily (and yes, of course it's possible I'm being selfish, in fact in some ways I do think I am - I just think there's more than one aspect to this whole issue) when actually I do feel massive concern for her future happiness independent of how any of this may be affecting me.
However, as DH lets her backslide and act more like she's about 10 when she's here, I also genuinely don't feel her being here as much as she is is doing her any favours.

Oh dear, poor girl, and poor you.

She might have a specific language impairment.

I think you may be a bit unreasonable about expecting her to be grown up at 21, even without these issues. I was away at uni and had a boyfriend and lots of friends at that age, and I often went home at weekends and holidays randomly. It totally changed by 23 when I was out working and the following year I left the country and didn't come back for five years!

I feel like banging your DH and his Ex head together

My sense from what you've written is that your DH is happy to tick along in this way forever, the rest of his days and you most certainly don't.

I think even if one of my DC had SEN issues I would want/hope/expect our lives to change as they became adults even if it meant using respite care to reclaim some time for "us".

Reading what you have to say about her it looks as though she will always need a lot of support. How do you envisage helping her to develop friendships? Cutting down the time she spends with you isn't the answer.If she didn't come to you presumably she would just stay with her mother?Having a child with SEN means she will always need you far more than the average 21 year old and a lot of 21 year olds are constant fixtures at home even with out problems.

I also genuinely don't feel her being here as much as she is is doing her any favours.

3 nights a fortnight is not a lot!

I've never been a step-parent myself, but it must be very hard not being allowed any imput.

Don't all parents look forward to the time where their children are older and they can be a little more selfish - e.g some nice grown up holidays or lots of nice little weekend breaks, going away at the drop of a hat without thinking about childminders, school holidays, etc.

I imagine a child with special needs is a very difficult and life long responsibility (this must be difficult if not your natural child and you don't have that bond /unconditional love for them)

You may have understood or your dh may have changed the goal posts but it's sounds like this isn't what you signed up for so I don't think yabu.

I wouldn't throw everything away however, not after so many years, I would work with your dog and sd about helping her to become more independent so you can move closer to the kind of life you expected

Madmum24, agreed but because it's weekend time, I think this will become an issue if she does start to make friends at home - the visits here will cut into her spending time out socialising with people her own age, and that's most likely to happen at weekends - but I concede that this isn't the case just yet, and that she may choose to visit here less if her social life takes off at home anyway.

You know what, lots if people don't really "grow up" in a time frame demanded by society.

Some people have fairly noticeable idiosyncracies, and whether diagnosed and labelled or not, they'll take life at their own pace.

I think your SDs mum & dad know their daughter pretty well. They know that between them they've raised an individual. You on the other hand have a more generic view of children, and when they should "become adults" as though they are all the same.

No amount of expressing your view that she should be doing this, that or the other by now will ever have any authority. It's pointless, and will inevitably be interpreted as lacking in understanding.

Your criticism of her, no matter how you try to veil it, is always going to be seen as criticism. Your main motive is always going to be seen for what it is - self interest.

So can a step mum never have an opinion. Someone who is in your house, who you are supposed to care for...and you can't have an opinion on how she's cared for? That makes life tiring and almost impossible. All those step mums and dads wh aren't absolute saints should just give up.

there was a poster previously, actually possibly on the overbearing MIL thread, who said don't move these kind of queries into step parenting of gransnet as that just allows affirmation of a particular point of view. But that's where people will get advice from others who can empathise, it's no walk in the park over in step parenting board either, but people have experience of what it is like.

Sorry, this is long, some of the comments here bringing a different perspective have been genuinely insightful. I too worry that eldest DSS isn't ever going to find a job and leave home, my husband and I have plans for when the youngest leaves university, we've openly talked about how that will be our time, but so many things could happen to stop that.

i think the parent's priority is to form an independent person to go out into the world and live their own life, not to throttle them with apron strings

This

I think the circumstances with your husband point to the root cause of the problem. There seem to be underlying issues in your overall relationship (lack of common ground and not particularly strong communication between the two of you). I think you may need to focus attention on that aspect somewhat less than on your DSD.

It seem to me that, because your DH isn't putting sufficient effort into carving out time together as a couple, it means when your DSD arrives for her weekends with you, it makes you feel resentful and sidelined, with your needs and wants not taken on board by your DH. I expect if you felt good about the couple-time you had, then your DSD would be much less of an issue.

I would even go so far as to say maybe DH is hiding behind the situation with his DD so that he doesn't have to face the problems in your relationship. So it persists and nothing changes leading to your frustrations.

I do think its selfish of you in a way but flip side thinks just work around her, if she's like what you say she capable of staying in whilst you as a couple do your planned event if that involves an weekend away then just re arrange DSD or weekend, if dh don't or wont do anything while she there can't you still do something "show him you won't stand still for him"
Also can't you encourage social interaction for DSD ? Maybe going with her etc or better still sending dh with her while you "party" :-)
Just think in some situations its better to work with than against