to expect to be a bit more of a priority now stepdaughter is an adult?

[duckbilledplatitudes]

I realise this is a bit of a 'how long is a piece of string' question, but the situation is very complex. In a nutshell, DH's daughter still visiting us at least every other weekend ('long weekends', at that), at the age of 21, and it makes it very difficult to plan social events or get enough time together as a couple, and IMHO this is also to stepdaughter's detriment as she should be spending time with people her own age and building an age-appropriate life for herself. She seems to be happy at home, so it's not like she needs a 'refuge' so to speak, and although I understand she is entitled to see her dad and hopefully feels welcomed by me too, it's hard to not feel the constant visits are damaging DH's and my marriage.
SD has some developmental delays, which complicates matters, and sadly her father lets her 'backslide' and when she is here she's more like a child (not even a teen) than an adult in behavioural terms, sad to say. I do care about her more than it may sound from this post (I'm constantly tiptoeing in my own home so as to avoid hurting her feelings, in fact), and I worry a LOT about her developmental issues, and about how she is ever going to build a happy life for herself, but does that have to mean I'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness indefinitely? Because I don't think I have it in me to do that, unfortunately. I have to confess that after having understood/accepted that she needed to be a priority when younger, after having always been welcoming, friendly, non-critical and accepting (which I still am) towards her on visits... but at the same time after having waited over 15 years for a time when I, and our marriage, might be a bit more of a priority for DH, I am now coming to feel the opposite... that there will never be a time when SD won't come first, that I was stupid and naive to think there ever would.
There seems to be no way I can couch any of this that doesn't make me sound like a selfish, immature b**ch... which I honestly have tried all these years not to be, but it is really so bad that I'm not willing to accept permanently coming second, permanently being bottom priority, either? Thoughts would really be welcomed, I'm pretty much in crisis atm over the future of my marriage and although it's not all down to this, this particular has come to a head for me lately on realising that she may never grow up, break away and make more of life on her own, and that she may be here every other weekend for ever. (Right now, that honestly doesn't feel like an exaggeration.) I'd really welcome input... thanks.

Cat of course a step parent can have an opinion, but most of the time (esp when they are the non resident household) their opinion does not pave the way.

OP what would you suggest is a reasonable amount of time for your DSD to spend with her father? Are you sure that you aren't just looking at this situation through "jealous" eyes? I ask this as my SM used to make similar statements about me ( I was too dependent on my dad, should be concentrating on friends etc) but the truth was that she looked at my time with my dad as eating into her time with him. The way I saw it was that I waited all week to see my dad, and I wouldn't have sacrificed this time to be with friends that I saw the whole week.

Step parenting can be a potential minefield, which is why I made a very concious decision to never be one myself.

I think the reality is that you put up with the time he gave to his dd eow based on the fact that one day it'll all be over when she reached adulthood and you could have him all to yourself. Now that hasn't happened you are upset/angry/questioning the whole relationship and asking if yabu to want her to spend less time with her father?
Well yes yabu. Like others have said parenting is for life and she has special needs that means she is developmentally age 12-13, but yet you want her to spend less time with her father? Clearly it is about you but you have later gone on to try and mask this with concerns for her not having friends etc after getting a hard time. How on earth would spending less time with her father achieve this?
I personally have a child who spends eow with her father and has to put up with a step mother who doesn't speak to her, a bad atmosphere when she visits and overhearing arguments between her father and his wife about how much time they spend together and how my daughters activities take over their whole wkends and so on. My daughter has had to put up with that for 10 years but does it so she can see her dad. It's caused a lot of hurt to the point where I do not want her to go there anymore. So please be aware that even if you try hard to not let your feelings be shown as you said, everyone else will be able to read exactly how you feel and it's very damaging.
Why not just take yourself off more when she's there then?
Or why not hair admit you don't want her there full stop to your husband? But you won't because you kno yabu. Clearly this is your lot so if you don't like it, I'd walk away if I was you.

I don't think you are being selfish to want more time with your husband but you seem to be basing your unhappiness in your marriage the 3 days his dd is there what about the other days can you not have your time then. If his dd has LD it is hard but she isn't going to go away she is visiting her dad, not all 21yr olds are out drinking or whatever every weekend mine certainly isn't . Your post sounds like you are pissed off that his dd hasn't flown the nest it sounds like you are pissed off you have waited all these years and sheIis STILL there yabu.

I meant to say i have an older teen with a development delay and it can be stifling and even frustrating but it is never going to go away she isn't going to suddenly mature it takes time your dsd Will be the same

You seem to be studiously ignoring what everyone is saying about how infrequently his (vulnerable) dd is with you. 4 days a month is nothing - or do you disagree? Sounds like she needs her dad - not to be cast out and forced to develop the social life you think she ought to have (which she may not want or be capable of forming).

I agree with others that it sounds as though you are scapegoating her. What about all the time she is not with you? Is your dh reluctant to make plans with you? Are you disappointed in other aspects of your relationship?

Can't believe everyone is happy and accepting that the DD has no job, no friends and no social life!! At 21 !!!! ---- and that the OP is the problem !!!!

Norah maybe it's because the op said she is developmentally 12-13 years old and has speech delay/sn?

The girl has special needs perhaps she isn't able to make friends have a social life or get a job

I agree with the posters who say the problem isn't with your step dd, rather with your dh's complete refusal to plan ahead and make time for you. I'd be concentrating on this tbh as any conversation around less time with her will be taken the wrong way and also miss the point.

Imv that would mean all the more effort to help her mix, meet people, learn things. The DPs could volunteer and take DD with them. As could DSM.

There were lots of courses round here cookery etc that learning disabled could go on to aid their independent living, not so sure what now due to cutbacks. There are great opportunities for LD too but it is limited and you need to work hard to access it.

Slightly OT, but I am wondering how this child (who I assume) went to school and did not get picked up for the rather significant developmental delay that the OP says that the DSD has? I have personal experience when I say that if a child is deemed to need SLT, then not taking them for it is considered a welfare issue, it isn't optional. According to the OP she has a delay of around 7-8 years.

I think you sound very reasonable OP and I totally get your frustration. However, I don't think there is any easy answer to this. Your DH sounds like a lovely dad in so many ways (not in refusing to seek treatment for DD, but I think that is a separate issue). In his position I imagine he probably feels guilty about not having been around dd except eow and much of what he does is probably influenced by that. You are right when you say that as children grow up parents look forward to having more time together, but in the sense of kids moving out - not never coming back to visit. Dsd has never lived with you so you've already had much more time together as a couple anyway. I think it must be extremely hurtful when your opinions are dismissed on the basis that you are not a mother yourself (would you have liked to have children?) of course your opinion is valid where Dsd is concerned - especially if you have known her since she was six. By the same token you have to understand that parents as a rule (not always - prepares to be contradicted) love their children more than they love anyone else in the world (or at least as much as) and I imagine with a child with SN this goes doubly so - the protective feelings never go away (and nor should they - that's not a choice it is a very basic instinct). For me 21 is still quite young anyway - a child at university for instance would still be coming home for the holidays. In your situation I think I would try to accept that you are never going to have DH to yourself 365 days a year (and you've already said you don't have a problem with this anyway) and try to find a way to turn the situation to your advantage. Plan some activities for yourself for when Dsd is there and on the weekends when she is not plan some things for you and DH. Put things in the diary - discuss with Dsd in advance so her visits don't clash. You need to find a way to live with her visits rather than waiting for a time when they might stop.

I totally agree with everyone on here. Your dd needs her parents more than those without sn who are the same age, even those without sn love spending time with their parents. Just because A child turns 18, they now should now stop seeing their parents and go out and do their own thing. Your dh came as a package when you got together with him, presumably you were aware his dd has sn. I am afraid you do have to like it or lump it, tbh, because dc is his child and she is here to stay. Of course he is overprotective of her, she is more vulnerable than an nt 21 year old. God forbid what woukd you do, if he had to look after her!

I am saying this as a parent of an Autistic child with developmental delay.

Sorry, I appear to have written an essay

If you have been with your partner for 15 years, you are married and live together I can't understand how you say you don't spend enough time together. You spend most evenings as a couple without his daughter? You share a bed with him 365 days a year?

Mind you I say this as a single parent of dc with special needs and I don't get an hour to meet a friend let alone start a relationship.

Honestly you have so much time. Appreciate what you have and make the most of it.

Maybe she just loves her dad ,:-)

Didn't you say she learning to drive ? I believe so, this being the case I believe a lot stems from social skills in that case I feel as parents you need to take the lead and encourage social intervention ? Clubs ?charities ?my friends daughter has sn's and sounds 'similar' to this dsd and her mother encouraged to work in charity shop couple hours a week, it really improved her life/social skills

Could your suggest directly to dsd about speech therapy?

*you

I wonder if the dp is over compensating for not having been in the marital home with his dad growing up. Thus he refuses to plan ahead ect. Its as if he has out his life in hold and I'm not sure that it a healthy thing to do for either him or his dd.

I think if it was my own children I would find this stifling as a parent and I have family who have off spring and he has sn, they don't live their life around their adult ds like this man is.

If you only see your child 3 days per fortnight, is it unreasonable to want to leave those 3 days free? I certainly don't think so. If an OP came on here saying that her partner resented her spending 6 days a month with her child (and wanting to leave those days free) there would be a string of LTB's.

And I'm not saying that I can't see OP's frustration. I can, but at the same time I have a 13 year old (the approx age OP says DSD is) and I can't go to every social event that I want to. Childcare needs to be arranged, DC's have sporting events at the weekend that I am committed to pick ups/drop offs etc. But in my opinion that is part and parcel of parenting.

OP you have at least 22 child free days a month, that would be most step parents' dream!

It's interesting that you talk about her being at "home" when she is (presumably) with her mother but she "visits" you. Her father's house should be her second home, so an equally valid place to learn independence from. Can you help her learn to socialise where you live - maybe find some youth events to go to? help her find a friend to invite round?

She's not a girl, she is an adult. It isn't unreasonable to expect an adult to entertain themselves. Is she able to stay in alone whilst you go to the cinema or for dinner? It sounds like you and you DH put the weekend on hold.

At age conversations were more about partners staying over and who needed the car.

I don't understand her LDs and how this limits her adult life. Is this her dd encouraging her to revert to a child-like state. Does she work and have friends?

She just wants to spend time with her dad what is wrong with a 21 yr old woman wanting to spend 3 or 4 days with her dad

Do we just cast aside our children once they reach 18 clap our hands together and say smugly job done well done me