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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding AIBU....

240 replies

PBlaarth · 31/03/2015 17:58

Hello. I've seen these sort of posts on AIBU before, but obviously I'd like a personalised view on my situation.

Got an invite to an August wedding, hand delivered this morning, addressed to my husband, for the whole shindig. I haven't been invited. Not even as a 'plus one'. I don't know the couple, but we invited them to our evening do at our wedding last year (they didn't attend), so they know I exist.

I'm pissed off because I think it's rude and insulting. Bad etiquette.

I'm annoyed with my DH because he doesn't see why I'm so annoyed and offended. It's not like I'm his girlfriend of a few months....we're married with a small baby (gorgeous boy, born 10 weeks ago, love being a mum!!).

I started off by saying I'm not happy him going without me; ended up saying you're NOT going without me. We're a family and come as a package. I wouldn't go to a friend's wedding if they didn't invite my DH and DS. He said he'd have a word with them, see if they just 'forgot'. I don't want to go now anyway, and don't really want to have to spend the money on us all going, but AIBU?

Also, and this shouldn't be considered when replying, but...they have a wedding WEBSITE. Including pages such as Q&As, How we met, About us, Venue...etc etc and other such pretentious cuntery of the like I have never seen.....

thanks ladies and gents
xx

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 01/04/2015 09:50

YABU.

Seats can be tight at weddings.

Me and DH unfortunately had to not invite partners of guests purely because we couldn't afford it.

We invited the partners we had met numerous times but definitely not ones we didn't know.

We do however invite the non-wedding partners to our evening reception though and most of them showed up.

My very posh friend had a Wedding Website exactly like the one you describe and many of us had a quiet giggle about it Grin

nauticant · 01/04/2015 10:33

Secondly, what do you think etiquette is? It's a culture of being polite and respectful and not being unkind.

Do you not think etiquette comes bundled with loads of other stuff too? I do and I think a fair amount of it isn't helpful.

pot39 · 01/04/2015 10:47

got married 25 years ago and even then it was murderous 3 way battle between us, my parents and in laws, about whom to invite.
So nothing ever changes.
I don't think you are bu, at all.
If my dh went without me ( he wouldn't) I'd be v hurt and probably withdraw sexual favours for months.
Love the new word c*tery!

BoyScout · 01/04/2015 11:20

It's hugely rude to not invite one half of a married couple.

Babies/children are less clear cut.

Hullygully · 01/04/2015 11:24

V rude not to invite you.

TheCraicDealer · 01/04/2015 11:47

If my dh went without me ( he wouldn't) I'd be v hurt and probably withdraw sexual favours for months.

What would you do if he did something that was actually unreasonable? Put crushed up glass in his food?

ceres · 01/04/2015 11:57

It is bad manners not to invite partners.

People who say it's their party and they are not inviting people they don't know are proving their bad manners - inviting partners is about the comfort of guests, not the host.

I understand budget pressures. We got married on a tight budget and the first thing we did was to make out the guest list. Everyone invited was asked to the whole day with either partners or plus ones.

The rest of the wedding was budgeted around the amount of guests, although we estimated that 10% wouldn't attend or would choose not to bring plus ones.

Weddings are also expensive to attend and I wouldn't attend if we weren't invited as a couple. Waste of both money and time off work that we could spend together.

I am also firmly in the camp of it's an invitation, not a summons - so if I don't fancy going, for whatever reason, I politely decline.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/04/2015 12:00

It's bad manners to not invite people you know because there's no space due to having to extend invites to people you don't know?

MadgeFinn · 01/04/2015 12:19

Yanbu, call me old fashioned but it's rude to leave you out. Is this a new thing? I've never yet, nor has my DH been invited to a wedding where we are both not welcome. Most people don't have much money to spare these days and an invitation to a wedding usually entails working out the cost of new clothes, stag and hen nights, the actual event itself and possibly hotel accomodation. Expensive but justifiable because it's such a lovely occasion.
Why should you have to bear the brunt of these costs if you're not even invited.

pudcat · 01/04/2015 12:33

YANBU
Debretts says

Decide whether all partners of guests should be invited. There is no generally accepted rule, but if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her other half should be invited

Delatron · 01/04/2015 12:38

YANBU, since when was this acceptable? Especially if married. Long term partners should also be invited. It is just very bad manners otherwise. I have never heard of this?

MaidOfStars · 01/04/2015 12:52

So, let's put this to the test. You have two spaces and three potential guests to fill them.

Guest 1: old university friend. He knows others attending.
Guest 2: his wife that you don't know/have never met/no contact whatsoever. She doesn't know anybody attending apart form her husband (obviously, not even the bride or groom).
Guest 3: current close friend. He knows others attending.

Which two do you invite? I guess some of you are saying 1 + 2, but that comes at the expense of your current close friend.

MaidOfStars · 01/04/2015 12:54

There is another option that isn't explicit in above: don't invite 1 + 2, invite 3 and have a spare space for another guest.

Momagain1 · 01/04/2015 12:56

Most people don't have much money to spare these days and an invitation to a wedding usually entails working out the cost of new clothes, stag and hen nights, the actual event itself and possibly hotel accomodation. Expensive but justifiable because it's such a lovely occasion.

New clothes: optional, especially for a man who owns suits. absolutely no adult must have new clothes to attend a wedding.

Stag and/or hen night, also optional.

If the wedding involves an overnight stay, half a couple eould have to justify the expense. But if going out without the oartner within range of home is done for other purposes, why not a wedding.

Inviting guests is about the comfort of guests, in general. But not any obe of them in particular. The overall make up of the list should favor people you know, and who probably know each other. I havent looked, but I am sure there are liads of posts re: having to go to weddings/being miserable at weddings where you dont know anyone. I know I have been left with nothing to do and no one to do it with at a remote hotel once or twice, because my dh was invited to more bits of the wedding than I was and we tried to turn it into a nice weekend for us instead of him just going alone.

Delatron · 01/04/2015 12:59

You invite all yourclose friends plus partners so at this point 3 has already made it. When making the cut, I guess older friends not seen for years would get ditched...I also think not knowing the partner would make me less likely to invite the whole couple. I had been with my partner for 9 years before we got married so I would have been suprised not to have met partners in that time.

Though we didn't invite work colleagues so maybe this is how we avoided the issue.

Dreamiesrcatopium · 01/04/2015 13:02

It is rude not to invite partners. We invited all husbands/wives of our guests regardless of how well we knew them. A few of my uni friends boyfriends Ir had never met until the day. If there is not enough room/ money in the pot for this then invite the whole couple just to the evening do.

HOWEVER it us totally U to tell your H he can't go or do anything! IVery unhealthy and I agree with otherswhen they say you need to chill a.

to chillout if yore referring to these them anyway)

MaryWestmacott · 01/04/2015 13:03

Maid - there's the wrong way of looking at it, each person who's in a relationshp counts as 2 places. So there's 2 places, available, either uni friend or current friend with a + one or another current friend who's less important so didn't make the A list.

To be honest, if you're getting to the stage where you have 3 people you want to invite but 2 places left, time to think about slightly upping the budget, or invite them all and assume someone will decline a place (has anyone ever got married with 100% list attendance??)

As others have said, the partners of guests aren't about the bride and groom, it's about the comfort of your guests. I know we are taught that "it's your big day, hon" but if you are throwing a party, it's polite as a host to think about your guest's comfort and enjoyment of the day.

MadgeFinn · 01/04/2015 13:05

I agree momagain1
It's all optional, it's up to the OP and her DH but he's also got the option not to go.

Dreamiesrcatopium · 01/04/2015 13:05

Please pass ignore last sentence. How on earth do you get rid of the bastarding advert covering what you are trying to facking type??!! Soo annoying!!

NurseRoscoe · 01/04/2015 13:10

I'm completely on the fence.

I understand why you would be upset, like you aren't accepted by your partners friends. That may be hurtful to you. However they may have limited numbers due to cost or size of venue and have to cut down the numbers so understandably taking away people they don't know to make room for people they do know.

Does your OH actually want to go? mine wouldn't without me. A lads night out yes but he would find a wedding awkward I think. If he does though I think you are being unreasonable to stop him. I wouldn't want to leave my 10 week old baby now to go to a wedding of people I didn't know however I would happily leave my toddlers with my mum if kids weren't invited. Kids are generally a pain at weddings so don't blame people for saying no children.

MadgeFinn · 01/04/2015 13:15

it's polite as a host to think about your guest's comfort and enjoyment of the day.
Definitely, when my DD got married she invited a friend of mine but also a 'plus one' for my friend. She didn't have to, my friend would have come anyway but my DD didn't like the thought of my friend feeling a bit alone on the day as she wouldn't have known that many people. It made all the difference for my friend, she really enjoyed the day.

GoblinLittleOwl · 01/04/2015 13:34

The hosts have behaved rudely and you are justified in feeling upset:
a) because you are the wife of their friend and courtesy dictates that you are invited as a pair;
b) you invited them to your wedding and they should return your hospitality, whether or not they accepted your invitation.

Etiquette has developed as a guideline to prevent awkward and hurtful situations such as this occurring, not to impose unnecessary rules and restrictions on formal occasions.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/04/2015 13:55

To flip this on the head for those saying it's an etiquette/manners thing to invite a spouse you've never met. Is it bad manners on behalf of said spouse, to actually go to a strangers wedding, knowing full well you have taken the place of an actual friend of the couple?

KoalaDownUnder · 01/04/2015 14:01

Of course it's not rude to go to something you're invited to, arethereanyleft Confused

arethereanyleftatall · 01/04/2015 14:08

But you would know the only reason you were invited was etiquette. You would know these strangers would be paying for you to go. You would know it was at the expense of one of their friends. So, one could argue the polite thing for the spouse to do is decline.

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