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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding AIBU....

240 replies

PBlaarth · 31/03/2015 17:58

Hello. I've seen these sort of posts on AIBU before, but obviously I'd like a personalised view on my situation.

Got an invite to an August wedding, hand delivered this morning, addressed to my husband, for the whole shindig. I haven't been invited. Not even as a 'plus one'. I don't know the couple, but we invited them to our evening do at our wedding last year (they didn't attend), so they know I exist.

I'm pissed off because I think it's rude and insulting. Bad etiquette.

I'm annoyed with my DH because he doesn't see why I'm so annoyed and offended. It's not like I'm his girlfriend of a few months....we're married with a small baby (gorgeous boy, born 10 weeks ago, love being a mum!!).

I started off by saying I'm not happy him going without me; ended up saying you're NOT going without me. We're a family and come as a package. I wouldn't go to a friend's wedding if they didn't invite my DH and DS. He said he'd have a word with them, see if they just 'forgot'. I don't want to go now anyway, and don't really want to have to spend the money on us all going, but AIBU?

Also, and this shouldn't be considered when replying, but...they have a wedding WEBSITE. Including pages such as Q&As, How we met, About us, Venue...etc etc and other such pretentious cuntery of the like I have never seen.....

thanks ladies and gents
xx

OP posts:
ThroughThickandThin · 31/03/2015 21:24

Ahem Maid if you shorten my name Id prefer 'Thin'.....thank you very much......Grin

Droflove · 31/03/2015 21:28

Oh dear. I had a website with directions, accommodation info, schedule for the day and a request to let me know about allergies etc. Didn't realise it was pretentious cuntery.

AlpacaLypse · 31/03/2015 21:30

Well done for coming back OP!

As a general rule, I think that if the couple know that a person they want to come to their wedding has a serious long term partner, they should explain why they are inviting only the person they know well. If a friend told me it's a tiny venue or we're working on a tight budget, I'd be happy to attend without DP, (and DP would be delighted to be let off the hook!). Just sending the invitation without that sort of covering information is guaranteed to create exactly the sort of upset that OP has had today.

MaidOfStars · 31/03/2015 21:34

Apologies Thin

ample · 31/03/2015 21:37

YANBU regarding the plus one. I would expect one as well and thinking this way doesn't make me socially dependant on my partner.
It has been my experience that wedding invites are generally plus one if the couple are known to be dating or are living together/married.
I do think YABU to be put out by it though. Your DH accepts or declines. It's up to him.

You could look at it this way; a one man invitation = half of the expense that perhaps you would have paid for a gift had both of you been invited?? Which makes me wonder how this works with regards to the wedding present/gift tag/card etc..
If they expect the wedding gift from both of you well that's a bit of a cheek if true - and I'm not saying it is!)
Just throwing this out there Grin

maliaki · 31/03/2015 21:39

I doubt it Theycallmemellowjello I'm very working class and a few of the weddings I've been too have been the same but both DHs and my friends did a lot better for themselves in terms of jobs and so they are very middle class as have their weddings been.

With the exception of two destinations one, they've pretty much been the same: evening and day, some partners and some not, some child free and some friendly.

BatteryPoweredHen · 31/03/2015 21:45

Perhaps it is a bit of a social divide, amongst my bunch, a B list of evening guests or a paid bar would raise eyebrows. People are generally too polite to say anything, but it wouldn't go unnoticed.

If you invite people to something, you should aim to be a good host, that means feeding your guests, giving them enough to drink and not insulting their spouses.

Mind you, I still believe in written thank you notes, making your DC stand up if an adult wants their seat, cutlery held in correct hands etc. I seem to be one of a dying breed Sad

ThroughThickandThin · 31/03/2015 21:47

I know OP, send an invitation to a. bbq at yours in the summer. Only invite the groom as you can only afford steak for one of them.

Tit for tat, and all that.

engeika · 31/03/2015 21:58

madreloco said it well.
You are individuals. Your DH knows them and is friends with them and you are not. Why do you wnat to go to their wedding? With a baby?? And why do you want your DH not to see his friends married?

Theycallmemellowjello · 31/03/2015 22:27

It's just a theory which may be incorrect, Maliki but I would be surprised if weddings didn't reflect the range Of attitudes and lifestyles in the uk. I certainly have noticed that the weddings of my school friends (comprehensive school in small northern town) are very different from the weddings of people I went to uni with and who i know through work in london. Uni friends/Londoners have also tended to marry older and been far more likely to keep their own names. It's a v small sample size but made me think that there are regional/social 'micro trends' in marriage.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2015 22:32

I'm not sure it is a social divide of yabu/yanbu tbh - I think it's more of a personality laid back/not divide.

I have not been invited to some weddings where my dh has/sometimes my dc have not been invited/sometimes it's been abroad - I have not been remotely offended by any of them.
I am posh (ish).
So, should I rather have been offended by such invites?

BatteryPoweredHen · 31/03/2015 22:39

Honestly, I think it might be a MN thing...like the idea thst birthdays are only for DC. Never met a single person irl with thst attitude.

I think there is also an element of competitive hard-done-by-ness to it as well "consider yourself lucky that you haven't dropped dead/your house fallen down...being snubbed on a wedding invitation? Pah, that's nothing compared to the privations of my life...etc, etc..."

eggsalysseggs · 31/03/2015 22:50

I have a wedding website up and running at the moment, it's great fun as long as you don't take it too seriously!

MidniteScribbler · 01/04/2015 00:28

I think inviting spouses is one of those 'it depends' situations. If you're inviting what is basically a whole table of workmates/sporting club members/old uni friends, then not inviting spouses is ok. But if you're planning on sticking someone on a table with old deaf auntie Mildred and they know no one else, then you invite the spouse.

BuggersMuddle · 01/04/2015 00:37

Personally I wouldn't do this even with old friends. I do think for colleagues or sports team mates it's a bit different.

Rationale for this is that colleagues / team mates will make a group in and of themselves, whereas a good mate at uni might not know too may others in my life right now.

I do think in an 'old friends situation' it's a bit rude, but I wouldn't bar him from going seeing as you don't know them. If you did have a reasonable acquaintance with them then it would be breathtakingly rude IMO, but that's not the case.

GammaDelta · 01/04/2015 00:43

i remember that even for the royal wedding, William had invited some of his friends from army but not with their partners. ..

KoalaDownUnder · 01/04/2015 07:01

YANBU!

I don't think inviting one half of a married couple to a wedding is polite at all.

And if it matters, I've never been married myself and have attended numerous weddings without a plus-one, so it's certainly not about being joined at the hip to anyone!

BadLad · 01/04/2015 07:03

This has happened twice to us. Friends of DW whom I had never met invited just her. I was delighted to wave her off to escape to the cuntary Grin and have the TV to myself for a day.

YABU, as you have graciously accepted

wearenotinkansas · 01/04/2015 07:07

i would think it weird (and bad manners) not to invite both of a couple.

redskirt · 01/04/2015 07:23

YANotBU on any count :) For all the same reasons other YANBU posters above have given.

Now if this couple care about their friendship with dh, why on earth would they alienate his dw? You would expect them to want to be getting to know you as an acknowledged important person in their friend's life. Surely if you are friends with one person, you make every effort to be close to their significant others too. (In the absence of clear reasons not to such a them being rude etc etc)

Chipshopninja · 01/04/2015 08:57

You don't know them
You've never met them

Your oh wants to go, you don't want to go anyway!

You've TOLD him he's not going

Hell yes yabu!

sparechange · 01/04/2015 09:25

I'm going to go out on a limb here...

They don't really want to either of your going to their wedding and have reciprocated an invitation to their wedding out of politeness because you invited them to yours. And because of this, they've made it a really half-arsed invitation that only includes your DH...

MissBattleaxe · 01/04/2015 09:27

Well there were loads of people at my wedding that I didn't know but I wouldn't have presumed to have knocked them off the list on those grounds. It was my DH's wedding too and far be it from me to lay down the law or insist on meeting everyone first.

I do actually think it is rude not to invite a spouse or long term partner unless it is a colleague's night out thing or a sports team thing.

This does not mean that I am incapable of living a non 1950s life without my husband firmly at my side, I just think its rude. I didn't know half the spouses at my wedding but to exclude them would have been rude to our guests and I wanted our guests to have a happy day too.

But the OP shouldn't expect a 10 week old to be invited or lay down the law to her husband.

Too many brides and grooms want a happy day at the expense of their guest's enjoyment of the day, and believe me, guests have long memories.
If you want people to really genuinely share your happiness, help them to have a comfortable and enjoyable day too.

nauticant · 01/04/2015 09:39

The divide I see on this thread is between those keen to maintain rigid social rules and those who think letting people make their own choices is more appropriate.

Maybe one day all of this etiquette rubbish will be swept away and replaced with be polite and respectful to others and don't be unkind.

MissBattleaxe · 01/04/2015 09:48

*The divide I see on this thread is between those keen to maintain rigid social rules and those who think letting people make their own choices is more appropriate.

Maybe one day all of this etiquette rubbish will be swept away and replaced with be polite and respectful to others and don't be unkind.*

You are massively over generalizing. Those who think it's rude not to invite a spouse are not " keen to maintain rigid social rules" It's a very annoying argument technique. "If you agree to X, it means you are also Y"

Secondly, what do you think etiquette is? It's a culture of being polite and respectful and not being unkind.

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