To be anxious about MIL's impending retirement

[Delurked]

Mil is due to retire in the autumn and has said how much she is looking forward to spending more time with 2.2 year old DS once she has finished work. She is a lovely lady who dotes on DS and makes a real effort with me too. So not a nightmare MIL by any means, although she did go a bit mad after DS was born and does sometimes irritate me with her obsession with having him by herself.

We live nearly 3 hours apart but visit quite a lot (they come here too) and I would say that she currently sees DS every 2-3 weeks. I feel that we have a good balance at the moment, we all enjoy each others company but don't feel smothered.

Anyway... The distance we live apart means that if she is to spend more time here then it will need to involve overnight stays. I am a SAHM and DH works in a job with long hours - he's often out of the house from 7am till 8pm or later. I am a fairly private person and basically I am dreading the prospect of having MIL to stay on a regular basis! I am worried it will damage our currently pretty good relationship. I know she will be a "good" guest - she is always very hands on and helpful when she's here, with both housework and DS. But there are very few people I would be truly comfortable with having as regular house guests and she is not one of them.

I'm happy to have her to stay more than we do now - I suppose a couple of nights every 6 weeks or so would be my comfortable limit. But I get the impression that she envisages more than this. In particular I think she would like to come and stay when DH goes away with work, which he does quite a lot over the summer months, to help out. This does not appeal to me at all although obviously I recognise it's kind of her to want to help me when he's away.

Should I wait to see how things pan out when she does retire, or should I try to subtly "manage her expectations" now? And AIBU for feeling like this?

YANBU to be worried about it but, if she's a reasonable MiL, your idea to manage expectations is a good one. I think you should also get your husband onside, so he's making the same kind of suggestions.

Yanbu.... My mil is exactly the same!

Eek! I'm in the same position OP. I'll be watching this thread with interest.

YANBU. It's nice that she wants to see her GS more, but you absolutely do not have to have your home used as a guesthouse in the process if you don't want that.

When you see each other now - at MIL's or at yours - does that involve overnight stays?

YANBU but as she sounds lovely I'd work out your schedule and pencil in some dates when you'd like her to stay, then invite her. That way you're initiating the stats but also setting out your own expectations.

It might be one of those things you dread but isn't as bad in reality? I find things like this build up in my head to much worse than they really are.

I wouldn't say it now as it would probably be awkward, more natural to just be busy/don't allow arrangements to be made more often than you like at the time.

You could when the time comes suggest activities that involve meeting half way somewhere? Or somewhere that you both drive to separately anyway, so that she doesn't automatically stay.

So nice that she's prepared to make so much effort for the relationship though, I always feel so bad for the posters who wish grandparents would take an interest.

ConstanceMoan - yes, it almost always does, due to the distance.

I think it is important not to allow her to get into a pattern of coming every so many weeks. I would keep,your powder dry, by not engaging in a debate just yet. When the time comes,I'm think honesty about how you enjoy your privacy will be the way forward. Telling her that when your Oh is away, you like to chill and recharge your batteries. Hopefully she will understand.

I think you are going to have to be very strong to,not let her take you over.

You're so right Vanitas and that's why I want to handle this sensitively so she doesn't feel pushed out. She and I do get on well but we are very different people. She would be horrified to know I felt like this

I know how you do feel though, because I would feel the same. For me the fear of losing my space and privacy can be worse than the reality though, hence I wouldn't raise it now, of wait and see how it pans out.

You've every right to feel how you do, dropping in once a week is very different to staying over.

Ok so consensus seems to be to wait and see but to avoid an early precedent being set. Sounds sensible! Thanks all. Nice to hear that others would feel the same/ that I am not evil DIL from hell (yet)!

Yes you should be afraid. My FIL retired last year (MIL retired 2 years prior) and they have seriously upped their trips to us. Like you I get along with them very well (frankly because I mostly keep my mouth shut on their extreme right-wing christian views, pro gun, anti-anything indicating control over a woman's own fertility, anti-gay and subtly racist). They are genuinely nice in general and love me but they are a world apart in their upbringing, values and world view. Therefore I do not find their visits relaxing.

Some posters seem to think that because a DIL doesn't want their inlaws to visit they are just being selfish and unfriendly, it's not that. As I mentioned, I do get along and have a good relationship but because of the extreme differences in, well everything, it will never be fully relaxing to have them for extended stays. Strangely it is far more fun for us to visit them in their own place, not sure why but I suspect that they are more relaxed in their own home and I guess I'm happier to keep diplomatically silent on their turf than my own.

Oh, and the difference in personal space. I am a private person who needs time alone doing my own thing/decompress a little here and there. They are pack type people who don't spend a minute alone except to use the bathroom. Last visit my usual escape strategy didn't even work, I take a group sports class on a Saturday and it gives me an hour or so of me time. Not anymore. MIL announced she would go with me last visit despite my attempt to say no thank you and that I didn't feel comfortable with being observed as I make a fool of myself... to no avail. I know I should just have held firm but honestly she would have been hurt and not understand my position, not worth it. Sorry OP, I clearly hijacked your post and had my own little rant!

No, you are not being unreasonable.

My MIL and I ostensibly get on well, we've never had a falling out, but we have very little in common, and our backgrounds are quite different.

She is also helpful, and never ever forces her opinion onto me, or our way of bringing up the kids. In fact, I can't fault her. It simply comes down to the fact that we don't have anything to talk about when it's just us (although she, DH and I can chatter away for ages, when all together), and if we hadn't been thrown together by marriage, we wouldn't be friends.

So, I wouldn't want her coming to stay overnight every week or so, and it being a me-and-her situation.

My DH travels for work, and I love those evenings to myself! I'm actually a social, gregarious person who does love company, but I undoubtedly need my alone time, and these evenings are precious. Having someone I liked, but whose company I didn't thrive in, in my house on those evenings, would make me unhappy.

You are not being unreasonable at all. The advice to wait and see is good, but you do run the risk of sleep-walking into a situation you're not happy with, before you've even realized what's happened. I'd just keep a careful watch on things, and make sure you're not signing up to anything you don't want to.

I have to say, bad and all as it sounds, there is a lot to be said for living on the other side of the world from ones in-laws.

I'd also make sure that when she's suggesting dates to come, you always make sure that dh is around - even if that means that she's coming on precious weekends. That way you don't get in the habit of her coming to see you and ds and imposing on your time, particularly if she wants to come when dh is away! And if she suggest coming when dh isn't around then don't be afraid to say sorry, those dates don't work for me, how about xxx - and not give her a reason as to why the dates don't work for you.

I get exactly where you are coming from, I would have hated mil to have been around when dh wasn't as I just find her difficult to get on with - luckily for me she hasn't been in a position to be able to do this (although she was very involved with all her other gc when they were young - combination of them living closer and her being younger and more able - no way could I have coped with her being involved in the same way that she was for her other gc!). And yes I do know that makes me sound mean and horrible - and yes, I probably am going to reap what I sow in later life as I have 2 ds so will only ever be the mil! But hopefully I will be better prepared in so far as what I have learned myself and through MN on how to be a nice mil! Oh and I'd find it bugging to have my mother here too for too long - dh had to go on a work trip and was begging me to invite my mum to stay - I'd have gone mad if I did, I love her to bits but we'd have driven each other crazy.

OP - can I just clarify something?

If this was your mum retiring and making the same "noises" about seeing more of you etc. would you treat her the same way?

I get very disappointed at these threads, especially when you say that she is nice,you get on well etc.

Just keep reminding yourself that she shares the same % of your children's DNA as your own mother does...

I have always suspected that it is impossible for a mumsnet MIL to be right in any circumstances whatsoever, whatever they do. This thread certainly suggests that....

Oh don't be silly salmontrutta and hakluyt, most mothers relish their quiet times when the kids are gone off to bed.
I adore it when my DH is away- I get to stretch out and mn, and take over the bed.

No one wants company then, and certainly not someone who wouldn't be a friend if circumstances were different, and that includes the woman's birth mother too!

It's not a them (MIL) against us (mothers) situation, rather a mother needs time alone, in peace and quiet to recharge once mothering duties are over for the day situation.
The last thing she needs during that necessary and essential down time is feeling obliged to entertain people with whom she has little in common, when she wants to relax in her own home.

Look into local BnBs OP just in case your MIL has no other plans for her retirement than to arrive on your doorstep for extended stays.

Salmo- would you feel disappointed if your DH didn't want your mum to come to stay when it was just him in the house?

Thank you VenusRising as the voice of reason.

Nobody's suggesting she moves in! But children need all the strong loving relationships they can get. And relationships with grandpqrents can be very special indeed. And generally speaking mothers of young children need all the help they can get. And if you cwn do something simple that makes a member of your family happy, then why not do it? A few more overnights, or going to visit her sometimes lets your son have a good strong relationship with her, will make her very happy indeed and will give you some lie ins.

I think people often forget that the grandpqrent/grandchild relationship is a two way one.

And nobody's suggesting she cut ties, or disallow a relationship altogether, either.

This, 'if you can do something that makes someone else happy' idea is all well and good, but not if it's at the expense of the OP's own happiness. Mums have to put themselves down the pecking order often enough, as it is.

As Venus so perfectly puts it, those few and far between evenings, when you have some alone time, are golden.

The OP is not being unreasonable to be a bit anxious about how this is going to pan out in reality. I, equally, would not want my own parents regularly infringing on that time.

It's about working out something that suits everyone, without one party feeling put upon, and building resentment. There are other ways to keep the GP/GC relationship going.

SaucyJacka- it would seem that we have negotiated all of that quite successfuly thank you.

DH wouldn't have turned a hair upon my mum pitching up if he was in the house on his own with the DC.

He isn't hard of thinking. So why would that be a problem?

Actually I don't have a MIL to worry about, but am about to go on maternity leave to have my first baby and am a bit worried about my interactions with my own mum. She is generally lovely and well intentioned, but since my dad died a few years ago relies heavily on me as an only child, even when she could do things herself - I.e. Will expect a lift to the hospital for a blood test even though she lives half a mile from the hospital and could get a cab (and can happily afford it) and I live five miles away, across town. Taking her usually takes around two hours out of my day. If it were an important appointment or she was having a procedure where she would need support afterwards, I'd be there like a shot, but for everyday things I can't always be there. Up til now, I've been able to say I have work things going on that mean I can't always take two hours out of my day to ferry her around, but once I'm on maternity leave....she also wants to spend lots of time with new grandchild, which I totally understand, but I'm slightly worried that my maternity leave is going to be a combination of being sat round my mothers house so she can play with DC and driving her around - not quite what I had planned!