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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be anxious about MIL's impending retirement

149 replies

Delurked · 30/03/2015 19:11

Mil is due to retire in the autumn and has said how much she is looking forward to spending more time with 2.2 year old DS once she has finished work. She is a lovely lady who dotes on DS and makes a real effort with me too. So not a nightmare MIL by any means, although she did go a bit mad after DS was born and does sometimes irritate me with her obsession with having him by herself.

We live nearly 3 hours apart but visit quite a lot (they come here too) and I would say that she currently sees DS every 2-3 weeks. I feel that we have a good balance at the moment, we all enjoy each others company but don't feel smothered.

Anyway... The distance we live apart means that if she is to spend more time here then it will need to involve overnight stays. I am a SAHM and DH works in a job with long hours - he's often out of the house from 7am till 8pm or later. I am a fairly private person and basically I am dreading the prospect of having MIL to stay on a regular basis! I am worried it will damage our currently pretty good relationship. I know she will be a "good" guest - she is always very hands on and helpful when she's here, with both housework and DS. But there are very few people I would be truly comfortable with having as regular house guests and she is not one of them.

I'm happy to have her to stay more than we do now - I suppose a couple of nights every 6 weeks or so would be my comfortable limit. But I get the impression that she envisages more than this. In particular I think she would like to come and stay when DH goes away with work, which he does quite a lot over the summer months, to help out. This does not appeal to me at all although obviously I recognise it's kind of her to want to help me when he's away.

Should I wait to see how things pan out when she does retire, or should I try to subtly "manage her expectations" now? And AIBU for feeling like this?

OP posts:

Discopanda · 31/03/2015 09:41

My mum lives 2 hours' train journey away, stepdad drives and works full time, she doesn't so sometimes they both come down, sometimes just her. We takes turns to go to each other but as we don't have a spare room they stay in a local hotel when they come to our neck of the woods. They actually prefer it because it means that we all have our own space in the evening, it's great.

Mamus · 31/03/2015 09:57

The regularly trotted out assumption that all of us with sons will one day have DILs really pisses me off. There's no guarantee that my sons will be heterosexual or interested in marriage. I see this 'one day you will be in the MIL's position' tripe every time anyone makes a post about their MIL and it sets my teeth on edge.

BirdInTheRoom · 31/03/2015 09:57

OP I totally get where you are coming from - I am in an almost identical situation to you but my MIL retired a couple of years ago.

It is quite a difficult situation to manage as you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but she is my DH's mum and I feel that he should be the one she comes to see, and that he should facilitate the relationship between everyone - not leave it to me!

I certainly would not expect him to have to have my parents to stay all the time if the roles were reversed and he was a SAHD and I was working away a lot.

SaucyJack · 31/03/2015 10:11

So anyone (of either sex) who wouldn't want their MIL to come when it was just the two of them is therefore "hard of thinking" then?

Stay classy (!)

hesterton · 31/03/2015 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eigg · 31/03/2015 10:36

I have a DD and a DS. So I will hopefully have a DIL one day.

If my DS chooses her I'm sure she'll be lovely. Regardless I will do my best to be a good MIL, having learned from my own experience on the other side so to speak.

The OP only wants control of her own time in her own home. There's nothing wrong with that. She's trying to be sensitive to everyone's feelings.

HumphreyCobbler · 31/03/2015 10:42

I dislike anyone staying overnight. It makes no difference if they are related to me or not. I don't want it. I don't think this is an anti MIL thread.

Mrsjayy · 31/03/2015 10:49

It isn't an anti mil thread the op just doesn't want her staying every other week it really isn't every bodies cuppa to have overnight or for days at a time visitors

bakingaddict · 31/03/2015 10:52

My PIL come every two weeks and stay 2-3 nights. I don't find this too much but MIL is fully retiring after Easter and has said that she wants to do more childcare. Obviously in order to do this they would have to come for longer duration or even more regularly. MIL would defo move nearer to us but FIL is reluctant to leave where they live

I am uneasy as I feel the balance is right as it is. I need time and space with DH and the kids to unwind in the evenings and just be me without PIL always being around. Don't get me wrong I do have a good relationship with them as evident by our arrangement and i'm comfortable being around them without DH but I don't want them practically living with me fgs

Gottagetmoving · 31/03/2015 10:55

I think it is sad that so many people see the mother and father in law as 'outside' their family and treated as a guest.
Its brilliant when you have nice in laws so it would be nice to adapt to seeing them more than once every few weeks when you have children.
Grandparents love to see their Grandchildren and vice versa.

Hopefully you will have your in laws in your life for many years so wouldn't it make sense to get used to having them around rather than visits so far apart?

Mrsjayy · 31/03/2015 11:00

Tbf i wouldn't want my mum staying every other week either it isn't sad to not want people staying in your house different strokes and all that

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 31/03/2015 11:05

It's like a broken record, mil thread, salmon and Hak wade in with their anti dil omph, I expect salmon and Hak have previous form in real life in treading on toes, pissing people off and generally being a pain in the ass

EponasWildDaughter · 31/03/2015 11:06

*''All mothers of young children need all the help they can get'' ?? Missed that sweeping statement. No, i cope just fine thank you. DH and i enjoy visits from family but neither of us feel the need for help.

*''It would break my heart to feel like I was a pain in the ass interloper butting into other peoples lives when they were privately wishing I'd just bugger off and leave them alone.''

I don't think this sentiment applies to just mothers of sons though. Or even just mothers! We all need to be sensitive to the dynamics of other peoples lives and act accordingly.

I have 4 DDs, youngest is only 1, but the eldest is 22, old enough to have left home and moved in with her long term boyfriend an hour away. I am already conscious of the fact that i am a MIL in his eyes and must respect their space. I take my queue from them - they like to come over as a couple for the day every 2 weeks. She comes up on her own more often (we cant go to them, they live in his mums house) but when they get their own place, and if and when she becomes a mum herself i'll be careful of boundaries.

Dr0pThePirate · 31/03/2015 11:09

Is it fair to make someone part of your retirement plans without talking to them about it?

I suppose it depends on what your PIL's have in mind but expecting people to meet your expectation of more frequent/longer visits just sounds like a recipe for disappointment.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 31/03/2015 11:14

I also missed the "all the help they can get" bit

Utter tripe!!

FreeButtonBee · 31/03/2015 11:23

I think the "meet half way" is a GREAT idea. It allows inlaws to spend some time with their DGS but you are slightly more in control of timings etc and don't have to 'entertain'. It could be another option to stretch out the gaps between overnight stays.

Both DH and I get very tired of having family to stay. Doesn't matter if it's mine or DH's. We like our space and silence and watching TV in separate rooms with our dinner on our laps and I get tired of having to remember to change the sheets/get in extra food/whatever.

DuelingFanjo · 31/03/2015 11:26

Deal with it as it comes. If she makes noises about coming for a whole week you can shorten it by explaining you are already doing pre-arranged stuff outside of the house with other people.

Hakluyt · 31/03/2015 11:38

"
It's like a broken record, mil thread, salmon and Hak wade in with their anti dil omph, I expect salmon and Hak have previous form in real life in treading on toes, pissing people off and generally being a pain in the ass"

Nope. I have previous form for facilitating my children's relationships with their grandparents. Which has been a continuing pleasure for both children and grandparents. It has sometimes meant that I have had to do things I would prefer not to, and to bite my tongue, but it's been worth it. Because it is about my children and their grandparents, not about me

OP, what I suggest you do is sit down with your MIL and a calendar. Mark in all the visits you would usually have had before she retired, and then add a few more. Make some of the extras treats "oh, you'll be able to come and see Little Jocasta in her nativity play- won't that be lovely!! " and some ones where she can be useful "Could you possibly come on the 23rd- I'm going out to lunch that day and it would be lovely not to have to rush back"
If she's the type to like that sort of thing (my mum wasn't- MIL is a sucker for it) make a special Grandma Calendar for her, with handprints or a picture or something. That way she feels special, knows what's going on and you remain completely in control. If you feel inclined, you could up the sending pictures and stuff in the post, and do a Skype call or two. Iit might all take a bit of time, but as I said you'll have maintqined control without any confrontation or upset.

EponasWildDaughter · 31/03/2015 11:39

Yes, sorry OP, forgot to address the issue :)

Agree, deal with it as it comes. Attempts to deal with it in advance will mean starting awkward conversations about possible scenarios, and show her that you've been festering about this.

You might even find that this will all come to nothing anyway (fingers crossed). She may just be thinking ahead, thinking out loud, and yet when the times comes for her to actually retire she'll fill her time just fine without upping the family visits much at all.

My mother had it in her head that when I gave up work 2 years ago, pregnant with DD4, we would suddenly be having coffee morningS together during the week. I stressed about this. If you knew my mum you would have too I just made sure i visited her quite regularly with DD once she came along and all is fine. No 2 or 3 times a week 'coffee mornings'!

MayLuke83 · 31/03/2015 11:46

Classic responses on this thread:

you'll be a MIL one day yourself
you should take all the help you are offered (regardless of whether you actually need or want it) because apparently women lose their ability to choose their own level of help or support when they give birth!
what if it was your own mum?

Predictable.

SaucyJack · 31/03/2015 11:47

Ah well, that's the difference between you and me then Haklyut.

I do see my own free time in my own home as being all about me.

Visiting is perfectly agreeable, but once the day is over and the kids are in bed NOBODY interrupts my sacred "sitting in my jimjams picking my nose" time. I need my own space.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 31/03/2015 12:02

My MIL would visit every couple of weeks given the chance and my situation is very similar to FeijoaSundae's . We were careful not to create a precedent when she retired and it's been fine. She's started volunteering at a National Trust property and joined some local history groups and they give her some structure to her weeks. Fil is deceased so she doesn't have him and their life together which is a shame.

Hakluyt · 31/03/2015 12:15

I thought I might repost this, just in case it gets swamped in the tide of Hakluyt you're an interfering cow replies.

BikketBikketBikket · 31/03/2015 12:23

Wait and see OP - I retired two years ago, and it's fitting in visits to the DGC that's the problem...
You know how people say, 'I don't know how I had time to go to work..'? It's amazing how a bit of volunteering, the freedom to see your own friends for lunch and not always in the evenings etc. etc. fills up your time. You say that your PIL have their own friends - well, their social life will almost certainly fill up and they won't be appearing on your doorstep every week, so don't panic just yet.
I do agree with the 'Grandma calendar' suggestion, as you'll feel more in control and your MIL will be able to fit her social life around seeing you - win-win..!

Mrsjayy · 31/03/2015 12:36

Yeah wait and see worrying about something before it happens or if will only stress you

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