To be anxious about MIL's impending retirement

[Delurked]

Mil is due to retire in the autumn and has said how much she is looking forward to spending more time with 2.2 year old DS once she has finished work. She is a lovely lady who dotes on DS and makes a real effort with me too. So not a nightmare MIL by any means, although she did go a bit mad after DS was born and does sometimes irritate me with her obsession with having him by herself.

We live nearly 3 hours apart but visit quite a lot (they come here too) and I would say that she currently sees DS every 2-3 weeks. I feel that we have a good balance at the moment, we all enjoy each others company but don't feel smothered.

Anyway... The distance we live apart means that if she is to spend more time here then it will need to involve overnight stays. I am a SAHM and DH works in a job with long hours - he's often out of the house from 7am till 8pm or later. I am a fairly private person and basically I am dreading the prospect of having MIL to stay on a regular basis! I am worried it will damage our currently pretty good relationship. I know she will be a "good" guest - she is always very hands on and helpful when she's here, with both housework and DS. But there are very few people I would be truly comfortable with having as regular house guests and she is not one of them.

I'm happy to have her to stay more than we do now - I suppose a couple of nights every 6 weeks or so would be my comfortable limit. But I get the impression that she envisages more than this. In particular I think she would like to come and stay when DH goes away with work, which he does quite a lot over the summer months, to help out. This does not appeal to me at all although obviously I recognise it's kind of her to want to help me when he's away.

Should I wait to see how things pan out when she does retire, or should I try to subtly "manage her expectations" now? And AIBU for feeling like this?

"Because of this, it gives you the right to wade onto every Mil thread and act like every single Dil is being totally unreasonable, no matter what they say and what abuse they have been subjected too"

I don't, you know. I am very selective!

Yes,I have had to hold my tongue on occasion. I don't particularly like my MIL- and she had some political views I really don't like. But my Dp and my children love her very much, and she loves them and me and is incredibly kind and generous. I want my children to have as many loving relationships as possible- now they are older it's fantastic that they have places to go and people who will welcome and love them that aren't their parents. Dd is at university 400 miles away from home- but only 150 miles from her grandma, and while I am green with jealousy, I am so grateful that she's had somewhere to go where she will be unconditionally loved when she's had a couple of nasty experiences. Over the past 19 years of them being grandparents I have sometimes done things I didnmt want to do to keep things sweet. Because I chose to. The suggestions I made to the OP were all about her maintaining control.

Hak - I read your suggestion, twice, the same number of times you posted it

I didn't like it. I wouldn't follow your advice. Remember it was advice you gave, not a universally agree course of action against which others are measured to judge whether they are being good DILs or not. It works for you, maybe not so much for anyone else.

"
I didn't like it. I wouldn't follow your advice. Remember it was advice you gave, not a universally agree course of action against which others are measured to judge whether they are being good DILs or not. It works for you, maybe not so much for anyone else"

Of course. But can you say why you didn't like it? Bearing in mind that this is a loving, perfectly nice MIL/grandma?

I follow Mil/Dil threads very closely because I nearly went into a nervous breakdown after ill treatment by My Mil.

I had no support at the time, took it all 100% personally, felt hideous and nearly handed by new born over to MIL as she made me feel I was a bad mother and indeed treated me like one. I had no MN. Now I read time and time and time again ( not this thread admittedly) about the suffering that so many DILS are going through at the hands of their mils.

I felt better as I realised, it wasn't just me and I wasn't unlucky to have such a horrid woman as my MIL but in fact the very ROLE of being a MIL sends some women totally do lally.

I like to offer support to DILS and indeed now I have found MN have also had support on issues myself.

Having to hold ones tongue a few times, with a MIL your not keen on, due to political views ( great bloody hardship ) is in no way comparable to the many serious issues DILS routinely face on MN.

Issues which, many DILS say they cannot deal with anymore and actually feel like leaving their DH's and breaking up their family!

Of course. But can you say why you didn't like it? Bearing in mind that this is a loving, perfectly nice MIL/grandma?

Because if it was me it would be time and effort that I'd have to put in to manage another adults expectations of their retirement that they've probably been saving for and planning since before I was born!

I think the MIL, as loving as she is, needs to be told if her expectations of other are too high. Again she is an adult herself so it's reasonable to assume she can handle this. Treating her with kid gloves is more effort for the OP and will probably feed the MIL's idea that she can have more frequent/longer visits which is what the OP wants to avoid.

I think your post at 19.56 was missing the point somewhat Hakluyt. The OP doesn't want to negotiate with her MIL to spend one-to-one time together. She is quite happy for the MIL to only come when her DH is there.

And that's fine. She is a grown woman in her home. She doesn't have to put up with unwanted guests.

You are the only person here who thinks she will be able to control the situation better by going with the MIL, rather than putting boundaries in place as to what she will and won't do in her own home.

One does not to be a martyr in order to have a pleasant relationship with ones MIL.

*going along

"Having to hold ones tongue a few times, with a MIL your not keen on, due to political views ( great bloody hardship hmm) is in no way comparable to the many serious issues DILS routinely face on MN"

Of course. That's why I never talk about my own MIL- but I was asked on this occasion. And only post on some threads

But for every hideous, abusive MIL ( and there are plenty) there is a jealous controlling dil who can't bear the though of her Dp having a relationship with his mother that remains important to him, or her children having a relationship with their grqndmother that isn't mediated through her. And there are also DILs who are so panicked at the thought of troubles ahead they understandably go in all guns blazing to "lay down the boundaries" and everyone's hackles shoot up.

I have seen enough over a long life to know that while there are situations where the blame lies entirely on one side, it is more usual for it to be shared. Or for there actually to be no blame at all- just a misunderstanding.

I am sure there are and I am sure they all vent on Gransnet Hakluyt.

However 99.9% of ops I read on here are usually sweet women, afraid of kicking up a fuss however cannot go on any more being bullied by their MILS and not knowing where to turn usually with a DH who cannot stand up to his DM. Its because they want to please and be kind and have their Dc know their GP that they have run into trouble.

If you haven't experienced this sort of thing, and you lack empathy and sympathy I can see why you would get confused.

"You are the only person here who thinks she will be able to control the situation better by going with the MIL, rather than putting boundaries in place as to what she will and won't do in her own home.

One does not to be a martyr in order to have a pleasant relationship with ones MIL."

Of course not. But the OP said she would be happy with a few more visits once the MIl has retired. And my suggestion means that they would be when she wanted them at times when they might be useful to her and planned well in advance. What's martyrish about that?

And I do find it interesting that I seem to be the only person talking about the child/grandparent relationship..........

What is actually so wrong with not wanting a grandparent to stay for days on Hak

But the op said they have a great relationship she said they see the grandson regularly why is the op feelings not important why is the Gm feelings more important ?

And I do find it interesting that I seem to be the only person talking about the child/grandparent relationship

Are you a child psychologist, can you give us specific data and insight into how many times and the GP need to see their GC for a relationship?

They see their GM every 2-3 weeks and with new retirement that may go to a couple of nights - every 6 weeks and op is happy with that.

But YOU feel in your professional - (I am assuming capacity) that even this is not enough for a proper relationship?

Can you give any more advice, quality of interaction and so on? I mean is living in the same house every 6 weeks enough or does MIL have to bathe the DC too? Or even get in with them? Recreate a womb?

Nothing at all if the grandparent is horrible OR you hate having people to stay.

Neither applies in the OP's case.

I think I would wait to see what happens and if she starts asking to visit very frequently say on some occasions that it isn't convenient, you are meeting friends, need a bit of a rest etc.
If she's nice she'll get the message. Also invite her sometimes when it suits you.
Has she any other retirement plans or interests?

YANBU OP. I wouldn't particularly like house guests anyway, apart from my own nan who wouldnt be imposing in any way and whom I am extremely close to. I certainly wouldn't want my MIL staying here but then she has never been helpful and she has recently retired and said something about wanting to do more with the children.

I am not overly keen for this really. She used to have DS when he was younger for a few hours at a time, I was always happy for this to happen, I used to do the dropping off and picking up. However MIL is not someone who likes to be told anything that she doesn't want to hear or doesn't suit her and when she had to be very firmly told, several times by me, DH and FIL, to stop rubbing my pregnant belly, she got the hump and never offered to have DS again. This was 5 years ago. Now she is going on about having more time (she only ever worked 15 hours a week over 5 evenings, hardly a 60 hour week) she has suddenly decided she wants to be more involved. I am not thrilled about it.

I also don't completely trust her with regards to safety. When DS was a baby, we let her and FIL take him for the day as a young baby (DH agreed the times and it was far too long and I hated every second). They had a cardboard box of a car and I did struggle to get his car seat in. However I did and it was fine. I went over instructions for feeding and seat straps (just the important stuff). When they brought him home the straps on his baby seat had been done up under his arms so basically the whole top part of his body was free and they would have come back on a 70mph road in a pretty flimsy car. I got him out and said "who done his straps up" in a kind of horrified way and said they were wrong it he wasn't safe. MILs response was "oh well, we can't be expected to remember everything" in a casual tone that showed she didn't care at all. It is the not giving a toss that got me and unfortunately made me think I couldn't really trust her.

As it's all about what suits her (is this similar to yours OP) I won't be going along with what she wants completely because she has decided that's what she wants to happen. If it doesn't suit you OP, you don't have to go along with what she wishes to happen. It's your home and it is natural that you don't want to be constantly playing host. Like a pp said, would your DH want your mum staying with him when you weren't there?

"But YOU feel in your professional - (I am assuming capacity) that even this is not enough for a proper relationship"

It was the OP said she would be happy to see them a bit more once they were retired. My suggestion was a way of those extra visits being in the OP's control in a way that minimised the risk of anyone being upset. I'm not quite sure what you want me to say- all MILsare evil cows and all dils are plaster saints?

"And I do find it interesting that I seem to be the only person talking about the child/grandparent relationship"

That's because everyone else realises that it isn't relevant. No one's disputing that she's a beloved grandmother.

A few nights every 6 weeks is plenty of bonding why does the grandmother need more time because she is at a bit of a loose end and wants more time the op isn't being nastyuunreasonable or keeping granny at arms length she just doesn't want her arriving every other weekend with her over night case the grandson is not missing valuable granny time. He gets loads

• I'm not quite sure what you want me to say- all MILsare evil cows and all dils are plaster saints

I want to know why you don't think seeing the gc once every six weeks with over nights isn't enough and why its only you - the expert...from the way you talk, think this.

"I think I would wait to see what happens and if she starts asking to visit very frequently say on some occasions that it isn't convenient, you are meeting friends, need a bit of a rest etc.
If she's nice she'll get the message."

Yes, she'll get the message that she isn't welcome or wanted. And if she's nice she'll be sad. How would you feel if a friend kept making excuses every time you suggested meeting up?

I reckon see her twice a month - one week she comes to you for a couple of days, let her take dd out for a day so you can chill/get on with things. The next fortnight you go to her on a sundayafternoon, have tea, stay over a night and then the next day come home have a day to yourself again and then dd can stay overnight and meet the next day for lunch halfway between your homes. Say you need to plan it so you can fit all dd's toddler groups and activities in plus you get some you time out of it.

Nobody said the Mil is evil the op isn't saying the Mil is evil people are just saying the op shouldn't give into mils whims because she is retiring the Mil sounds well intentioned but the Dil shouldn't need to give into demands and she is demanding to stay and see the grandson when she feels like it .
For all we know the Op sits in her pants in front of the TV of an evening and doesn't need or want anybody disturbing her the op doesn't mind the every 6 weeks and then thensseeing the parents the every fortnight

I'm not quite sure what you want me to say- all MILsare evil cows and all dils are plaster saints?

You could also say though:

I must admit my own relationship with my MIL is no model for what I read on MN and therefore I will not comment anymore. Its clear I cannot understand the often tricky, subtle machinations of it. Nor the severe effects a bad mil can have on a relationship between a man and wife which does no one favours least of all the GC whom are my first priority.
Indeed for further MIL/DIl threads I will in future gets my kicks on Gransnet as its there my sympathies will always clearly be.

"I want to know why you don't think seeing the gc once every six weeks with over nights isn't enough and why its only you - the expert...from the way you talk, think this."

Because the Op said she was happy to have them more often than she does now, but wasn't sure how to manage it. Isn't that what the thread's about?