To be anxious about MIL's impending retirement

[Delurked]

Mil is due to retire in the autumn and has said how much she is looking forward to spending more time with 2.2 year old DS once she has finished work. She is a lovely lady who dotes on DS and makes a real effort with me too. So not a nightmare MIL by any means, although she did go a bit mad after DS was born and does sometimes irritate me with her obsession with having him by herself.

We live nearly 3 hours apart but visit quite a lot (they come here too) and I would say that she currently sees DS every 2-3 weeks. I feel that we have a good balance at the moment, we all enjoy each others company but don't feel smothered.

Anyway... The distance we live apart means that if she is to spend more time here then it will need to involve overnight stays. I am a SAHM and DH works in a job with long hours - he's often out of the house from 7am till 8pm or later. I am a fairly private person and basically I am dreading the prospect of having MIL to stay on a regular basis! I am worried it will damage our currently pretty good relationship. I know she will be a "good" guest - she is always very hands on and helpful when she's here, with both housework and DS. But there are very few people I would be truly comfortable with having as regular house guests and she is not one of them.

I'm happy to have her to stay more than we do now - I suppose a couple of nights every 6 weeks or so would be my comfortable limit. But I get the impression that she envisages more than this. In particular I think she would like to come and stay when DH goes away with work, which he does quite a lot over the summer months, to help out. This does not appeal to me at all although obviously I recognise it's kind of her to want to help me when he's away.

Should I wait to see how things pan out when she does retire, or should I try to subtly "manage her expectations" now? And AIBU for feeling like this?

I'm happy to have her to stay more than we do now - I suppose a couple of nights every 6 weeks or so would be my comfortable limit. But I get the impression that she envisages more than this.

yes op said every 6 weeks, your saying its not enough, poor mil, I want more.

anyway read earlier statement, please sign it and put in some MN charter board we can all hold you too.

Yes, she might be sad. Personally I'm sad Tom Hardy doesn't appear to want to have sexual intercourse with me. But that's life.

Part of being a grown-up means accepting that other people have views of their own on what they want to do with their spare time.

"Nobody said the Mil is evil the op isn't saying the Mil is evil people are just sayingthe op shouldn't give into mils whims because she is retiring the Mil sounds well intentioned but the Dil shouldn't need to give into demands and she is demanding to stay and see the grandson when she feels like it"

No. I'm not saying that either. And you may not like my suggestion of th grqndmother calendar, but you can't deny that it puts control of when visits happen completly in the hands of the OP. Completely

I think it is a good thing for people from both generations to post on these threads about family relationships but we need to look at each situation individually.
It doesn't help to assume that the MIL's place is in the wrong or that most DIL's are controlling.

I'm not keen on the "Go to gransnet where your sympathies will clearly be" comment-I find it divisive.

I read these threads and some of the MIL's sound awful and cause misery but sometimes the DIL sounds very touchy indeed and the MIL can't do right for doing wrong.

I am only a MIL to men btw.

"your saying its not enough, poor mil, I want more."

No I'm not! Where did I say that?

OP-you can set boundaries without being unpleasant if you find you need to. At this stage MIL isn't making demands-its just mutterings that it will be nice to see you more.

Why would you do something in a way that made somebody sad when are ways of doing it without inconveniencing you that didn't make anybody sad?

Yes it is her house that's why she is in control of who visits her house , she is trying to find a compromise she hasn't given the Mil a timetable I'm sure if mil wants to visit a Monday to Wednesday she will be fine she doesn't want her mil there at her house staying every fortnight because the Mil thinks it's ok cos she is retired and because she will be on her own when her dh is away that it is ok to stay the op doesn't want that

But having an unwanted guest staying every time her DH goes away will be inconveniencing her massively.

What if she (God forbid) wants to make plans with her own friends that week?

It's her house, and IMO it's absolutely her call.

All this is based on the MiL saying how she is looking forward to spending more time with her GC (you know, like people say they're looking forward to spending more time doing the gardening) as she approaches her retirement, and maybe the OP might want more help when her DH is away. And these musings from a woman excited by having more free time are suddenly demands, based on the impressions the OP has?! Hence the earlier posts saying to play it by ear. A lot of assumptions being made about MIL's intentions.

Hak, I'm with you - I get on ok with my MiL, she's too far to easily come for a visit without staying, but I wouldn't actively choose to spend time with her if it was just me. But I get joy from her visits, from the excited children counting down how many sleeps til granny comes, to even if it's only been a couple of weeks since she was here, to seeing the pleasure she and they get from sharing their school reading books. We went on holiday with her for 3 weeks last year. I will do anything I can to support her role in my childrens' lives.

"But having an unwanted guest staying every time her DH goes away will be inconveniencing her massively."

Of course it would be. Who on earth said she should do that?

Stepping away from the Hak/everyone else argument....

OP - I think you are right to think about how you will handle this to avoid anyone being upset, including you! My parents retired and didn't bother filling their lives with anything else. They lived near DB and it put a huge strain on him and his relationship that my parents treated his house as an extension of theirs. DB can whinge but put up with my parents' bonkersness, but BIL didn't grow up with them and as it's not his parents, he found it very hard to say "no" to them as it was really DB's job to do that. Thankfully, DB did back up BIL when my parents went a bit too far like killing all BILs tropical fish because my mother believes things are only clean when cleaned with bleach and bleached the airfilter for the fish tank. Then did it again when BIL had restocked

I wouldn't tackle directly first, but perhaps make an effort to invite friends over to stay/'girls night in at yours' when your DH is away this first time, make a point of telling her you've got lots of plans and you usually do fill up your time when he's away. Remove the impression that you're sat "all alone and lonely, pining for DH and in need of company".

Talk about all DS's groups you go to with him, perhaps suggest you have signed up to a toddler group a day so that you are always busy.

Start removing the idea that you need 'help' or are being left all alone and sad by DH's long work hours. You can't be her new 'project' for retirement.

oh and it's interesting, the view about needing 'help'. On MN threads, if someone meets a SAHM with a part time nanny or a cleaner, there's lots of sarky comments about what they do all day and why on earth would they need the help.

Yet it's just assumed if the help is going to be provided for free by the grandparents, either time 'off' taking the DCs away 'to help' or helping round the house, then you must of course need it and to suggest otherwise is crazy. Hey, all mothers of young children need help - just not paid help, that's morally wrong.

Truth is, some SAHMs of young DC need help, but most people cope fine. The 'help' provided by grandparents isn't really about helping, it's about the grandparents. I do hate hte way so many older woman frame their desire to spend time with their DGC as 'help' - putting it in the category of something they are doing because they have to and the DIL should be grateful for, not something they want to do that the DIL is helping facilitate.

Why does everyone assume that women who retire lose the ability to arrange their own lives and need to be found a hobby! I hope to retire in a few years to do the things I want to do . I will be available to help with DGC ,if needed,as I do now. All power to the granny taking her DGS to a concert! We see many threads on here about disinterested grandparents. Many parents want the relationship but only on their terms!

I don't think anything of the sort

The concert was fab apparently, she only lost them twice (inside the venue so hey-ho)

She was not so keen on queueing up outside the venue - for FOUR HOURS! So she sat in the pub across the road drinking lemonade and using the wifi so they could take turns to nip in to use the loo. (she is practical too)

Great fun was had by all - I really hope I am as fit and active at her age - they did not get home til half past midnight and she delivered DD's friend home too. Am always a bit worried on here about becoming an "old" grandma who sits and watches telly and expects to be waited on... MUCH more fun if I turn out like MIL!

Has the MIL ever expressed interest in spending time with the DIL? Or is it all about her relationship with the GCs?

Having house guests to entertain is harder than having the kids on your own, unless you are so comfortable with the guest that you leave them completely to their own devices. I love my mum to bits and take advantage of her staying to have a night out with dh on occasion, but still go to bed early as I always would ( but couldn't if I was anyone else as it would look rude) but even then, the visits make my life harder. There is more cooking ( different tastes and more mouths to feed), more mess, kids inevitably end up going to bed late, and there are beds to make up, house to clean before and after they get there. I wouldn't want to do all that with my own parents more than once a month. If I was uncomfortable in my own house, having to stay up late to entertain mil, then it would be much less often.

And personally I don't think I should have to entertain his parents when he isn't there and vice versa. I see them a couple of times a week picking up or dropping off the kids, and have a quick chat but I wouldn't be hosting them for dinner solo!

we see it differently - his family is now mine too and v.v. , so I have no problem at all entertaining MIL when he is at work, and he goes to pick my mum up from the airport and drives an hour and a half with her - actually making conversation.

She is not "his mother" here she is "gran"...

somewhere making a conversation for an hour or so is hardly in the same bracket as having her to stay for three or four days without you.

Would your DH do that? Regularly? Because that's what's being suggested by MIL.

TWF - the situation has never occurred, but don't see why not - he works, I don't, so that is why it ends up the other way round.

Though he did end up stuck on the motorway in the car (Renault Clio) with my mum and the 2 girls (when they were 4 and 5) during the floods in 2007 - from round 12 noon til 11am the following morning. They got along fine in a confined space with no food and no toilet.

Apologies if someone else has already said this but, I wonder if there are ways you could make this work for you. It doesn't sound like you get to spend much time with your DH. Could you ask MIL to look after your DS for evenings when your DH is around so that you can go out together? Or maybe even for a weekend so you can get away for a short break? That might work better for you than having her around when your DH is away.