To be anxious about MIL's impending retirement

[Delurked]

Mil is due to retire in the autumn and has said how much she is looking forward to spending more time with 2.2 year old DS once she has finished work. She is a lovely lady who dotes on DS and makes a real effort with me too. So not a nightmare MIL by any means, although she did go a bit mad after DS was born and does sometimes irritate me with her obsession with having him by herself.

We live nearly 3 hours apart but visit quite a lot (they come here too) and I would say that she currently sees DS every 2-3 weeks. I feel that we have a good balance at the moment, we all enjoy each others company but don't feel smothered.

Anyway... The distance we live apart means that if she is to spend more time here then it will need to involve overnight stays. I am a SAHM and DH works in a job with long hours - he's often out of the house from 7am till 8pm or later. I am a fairly private person and basically I am dreading the prospect of having MIL to stay on a regular basis! I am worried it will damage our currently pretty good relationship. I know she will be a "good" guest - she is always very hands on and helpful when she's here, with both housework and DS. But there are very few people I would be truly comfortable with having as regular house guests and she is not one of them.

I'm happy to have her to stay more than we do now - I suppose a couple of nights every 6 weeks or so would be my comfortable limit. But I get the impression that she envisages more than this. In particular I think she would like to come and stay when DH goes away with work, which he does quite a lot over the summer months, to help out. This does not appeal to me at all although obviously I recognise it's kind of her to want to help me when he's away.

Should I wait to see how things pan out when she does retire, or should I try to subtly "manage her expectations" now? And AIBU for feeling like this?

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. what you have now in the way of visits from the ILs seems reasonable if both you and your husband are happy with it.

I don't understand why so many people who are mothers of boys are so insecure about their future relationships with their sons. The DIL, MIL relationship is a notoriously difficult one and not the same as the DILs relationship with her mother.

I would happily welcome my mother for a visit for a week when my partner is away, my MIL not so much, but then she wouldn't presume to invite herself for a week "helping out", she is too reasonable and sensitive for that.

Because it is about my children and their grandparents, not about me
Why, why is it never about the DIL? women of a certain age never have a choice, or a say in anything do they.

Thanks everyone for thoughts and ideas, lots for me to consider. I feel less stressed about it now. Hope those of you with similar worries manage to work something out.

Sets my teeth on edge too.

Yes I prefer my own mothers company to my mil, but when she (dm) was staying in my house every two weeks it was too much, and I said it on here and got lots of wow, that is way too much comments. And it was. She also suggested she would do a 300mile trip every week and stay in my house to look after dd two days a week when df refused to move, and I had to sensitively tell her she was overstepping.

Of course gps like to see their gcs, (mostly) but they do have to be aware of overstepping and imposing, whether it is their ds/dd or dil in question. Retirees do seem to forget that other people have busy lives and expect everything to be dropped for them. But she may or may not find that she gets busy with other things, so try not to worry too much until it actually happens. If fil is still working he might not want to come more often and she might not like coming alone.

I could understand the issue if the Op was never seeing her mil, but they are having extended visits every 2-3 weeks. I don't think op is BU not to want this to increase exponentially.

I think my dh would have a problem with my mum coming to stay with just him every fortnight while I was away. Absolutely. And he isn't hard of thinking he would just be uncomfortable.

Because it is about my children and their grandparents, not about me

Why, why is it never about the DIL? women of a certain age never have a choice, or a say in anything do they.

^^ Exactly this. It's basically a case of: suck it up, sweetheart, because once again, you are not the priority.

I know I am rarely the priority. I basically never am. That's why those gold dust evenings when DH is away and I have an hour or two to myself when the DC are in bed are so wonderful.

OP, once again, YANBU. I hope this thread has been useful. :)

YANBU, hopefully by the time MIL does retire you will feel ready to leave your ds with her and let them indulge each other. Another thing is to meet up for the day half way sometimes as well.

Anyone who isn't introvert really doesn't understand how much people who are need time alone/find other peoples company exhausting regardless of who they are.

Other things to include or doing stuff on your own whilst MIL does come and visit you so you get a break.

I think the amount you see them is already enough to encourage a good relationship between GPs and DGC. The more someone pushed, the less I'd see them. I just don't have time or patience to deal with this type of conflict.

I don't have much in common with my ILS. Whilst I'm keen to make sure my ds has a good relationship with his wider family, GPS are only part of that. Add to that full time work, working away, bringing work home, out of school clubs, friends over, parties, homework, etc there is a fine balance . There are times that I can't fit as much as a piece of paper in, never mind spending time with DH.

In any case, my view is that DH should have the primary responsibility to making sure DS sees his DPs. Despite being a demonized DIL, my ILS would see DS twice a year if my OH was left to it. My DH would never host my DPs if I was away with work. I won't host ILs without DH.

I'd chat to her. Could you use the time to get stuff done - hairdresser/shopping or even tidying out cupboards 1 room at a time. Not rude but so she is a real help to you and gets one on one time with ds.I know my mum likes it when sil goes out when she visits. She feels useful - sil goes out hairdresser , meets a friend or does paperwork etc.

"Because it is about my children and their grandparents, not about me"

I would be interested to see if the people who are commenting negatively on this sentence of mine actually read my suggestion o the OP about hiw to manage this situation? I suspect not.

Also nights when dp is away are like gold dust?

In the OP's case they aren't- her Dp is away a lot.

But hak your suggestions aren't really in line with what the MIL is envisaging.

She already sees the child every 2-3 weeks, so, one has to assume she's expecting to come every 1-2 weeks. And OP says overnight stays.

That's a lot of time to have guests.

It really isn't the odd extra nativity play or lunch date, is it?

And she wants to stay when DH is working away. That's a lot to ask. OP will be playing host without her husband on a regular basis. That's too often to do something she doesn't feel comfortable with, just because she ought.

OP says ''In particular I think she would like to come and stay when DH goes away with work ... This does not appeal to me at all''

Same principal. She doesn't want MIL there just because DH is away.

Having been in the same situation OP, like you I get on with my mil. I used her visits as an opportunity to go out by myself! Meet friends, even just going to the dentist without a small person in tow. Mil was more than happy to have some DS time whilst I got some me time.

I did read it Hakluyt, but it meant nothing to me as I don't view my ILs as a "situation" that I should be responsible for "managing" purely because I'm the one in the household with a vagina.

DP sorts stuff out with his parents (as do I with my mum). Sometimes we go to them. Sometimes they come to us. Sometimes we're busy. Whatevs.

These threads make me very grateful for my own PILs, in that they're sane, reasonable people who don't expect me to offer up my entire life and home them purely because I had a baby with one of their sons.

"But hak your suggestions aren't really in line with what the MIL is envisaging."

It may not be- but it is in line with what the OP wants- and has a better chance of getting her what she wants without anyone being upset than the "cut her off at the knees" brigade!

Btw, if it is every 1-2 weeks that way too much. My mil visited about every 4-6 weeks.

While my dh would be fine about being in the house with my parents and not me, I wouldn't expect him to entertain my folks overnight every week or so, especially if I wasnt going to be there too.

I think this does need talking about now, if only to your dh so he knows where you stand on this and can manage his mother's expectations accordingly. You don't want him to assume this is okay and make plans on your behalf and he won't know you don't want this unless you tell him!

When you think about it, it's a big ask to expect to go to someone else's house and stay over on a regular basis. I wouldn't do it.

This is the reason why my relationship with my ils became strained. It was fine until we had a baby and then they would turn up all the time and stay all day and never consider that I might be a person who needs some space. I couldn't cope and ended up having a blunt 'back off' discussion that need never have happened if they had given me a little more thought in the first place.
I never wanted to keep them from their gc but at the same time I didn't want to be swamped by their constant presence. I was lucky in that my dh totally 'got' my feelings and stepped in and supported me but maybe if I'd been able to head it off before it became too much, things would have been better.

I would start saying to mil that you have lots of plans and meet ups with friends and that you like the time alone when dh is away. Just drop it into the conversation. Ask what else she has planned - is she intending to travel when she retires. That kind of thing. She might be aware enough to take the hint and realise she can't base her life around what you are doing.

"I did read it Hakluyt, but it meant nothing to me as I don't view my ILs as a "situation" that I should be responsible for "managing" purely because I'm the one in the household with a vagina. "

No, neither do I. But I think the person with the problem is the one who should sort it out. And I most certainly wouldn't want someone else negotiating my relationship with anyone. Not because she is his mother not mine in this case, but because I am the one who wants to be in charge of how often people visit me when I am at home with the baby. And I am the one who knows when I am going out to lunch/doing some freelance work/going for a picnic/meeting my lover and so can say when I want solitude/help/babysitting/company. If I was thE WOH parent and DP was the SAH I would expect him to negociate when my mother visited- how would I know when it was convenient for him for her to take them out?

"cut her off at the knees" brigade!

Nobody has suggested anything of the sort, that is deliberately provocative.

All I can read are helpful suggestions to the OP suggesting compromises that might be acceptable, without her having to accommodate everything that the MIL seems to be hinting at, which is what some posters always think is the only way forward.

meant to add that I am a mother to sons as well as a dd and will never invite myself to stay at their houses and expect my dils to just suck it up because I share dna with their children.

Also when I visit, I would actually like to see my sons and not just the dgc, so wouldn't plan to go when they weren't there!

I can understand why a DIL may not feel comfortable facilitating overnight stays with her MIL when her DH is away.

I don't think it's odd to feel that at all.

I personally never minded, in fact it was easier as MIL is horrible to DH, but I can understand that other people may not want to do that. And I don't think they should feel that they have to.

A relationship between GPs and DC can be fostered when the DH is there.

My husband works away Mon-Fri and I love my evenings alone watching my crap on the TV and not having to talk to anyone.... The idea of having entertain anyone DM, DSis or Mil annoys me as this is my time. I've had enough entertaining my toddler all day!

When my mum retired she was worried she would have nothing to do- she started card making, quilt making etc- could you perhaps gift something to encourage a new hobby so you don't get the brunt of the MIL mourning work?
My mum lives far enough away she needs to stay over and I wouldn't expect DH to entertain her or her stay that often. We go for about every 6 weeks and DS has a great relationship with her.

Nope. I have previous form for facilitating my children's relationships with their grandparents. Which has been a continuing pleasure for both children and grandparents. It has sometimes meant that I have had to do things I would prefer not to, and to bite my tongue, but it's been worth it. Because it is about my children and their grandparents, not about me

Interesting.

So Because of this, it gives you the right to wade onto every Mil thread and act like every single Dil is being totally unreasonable, no matter what they say and what abuse they have been subjected too.

Whilst you claim hazily and without any specifics that you have had to hold your tongue.

Anyway op, let her down gently, simply not be available, busy, be very nice about it all and just keep gently batting off any extras.

The mil wants to spend more time with her grandson which is lovely and all that but the woman is actually demanding in the nicest possible way to see him she sees her grandson plenty just because she is retiring doesn't give her or anybody the right to just rock up and spend the night or 3 because she thinks the op is needing her to help or for a bit of company or the Mil can t fill her own time the op likes her Mil but doesn't want her there every bloody week her husband is away don't blame her.