To be anxious about MIL's impending retirement

[Delurked]

Mil is due to retire in the autumn and has said how much she is looking forward to spending more time with 2.2 year old DS once she has finished work. She is a lovely lady who dotes on DS and makes a real effort with me too. So not a nightmare MIL by any means, although she did go a bit mad after DS was born and does sometimes irritate me with her obsession with having him by herself.

We live nearly 3 hours apart but visit quite a lot (they come here too) and I would say that she currently sees DS every 2-3 weeks. I feel that we have a good balance at the moment, we all enjoy each others company but don't feel smothered.

Anyway... The distance we live apart means that if she is to spend more time here then it will need to involve overnight stays. I am a SAHM and DH works in a job with long hours - he's often out of the house from 7am till 8pm or later. I am a fairly private person and basically I am dreading the prospect of having MIL to stay on a regular basis! I am worried it will damage our currently pretty good relationship. I know she will be a "good" guest - she is always very hands on and helpful when she's here, with both housework and DS. But there are very few people I would be truly comfortable with having as regular house guests and she is not one of them.

I'm happy to have her to stay more than we do now - I suppose a couple of nights every 6 weeks or so would be my comfortable limit. But I get the impression that she envisages more than this. In particular I think she would like to come and stay when DH goes away with work, which he does quite a lot over the summer months, to help out. This does not appeal to me at all although obviously I recognise it's kind of her to want to help me when he's away.

Should I wait to see how things pan out when she does retire, or should I try to subtly "manage her expectations" now? And AIBU for feeling like this?

But its got nothing to do with the fact that she's the MIL. This is a member of the OPs extended family whom she is worried is going to over-stay and doesn't want to offend. Could be anyone.

Quite a few assumptions here, this certainly is not a MiL bashing thread. OP is trying to find a solution for her own needs without hurting her MiLs feelings

Not everyone needs help from others. My OH frequently worked away from home from when my 3 were newborns until they were in their teens. Another adult in the house at that time was the last thing I needed.

Her difficulty is getting her MiL to understand that, this is not personal. It is not a reflection on MiL's character, or implying that she oversteps. I think she is being sensible, asking for advice about how to handle this sensitively.

Is there any chance your PILs could move closer to you? That way they could see more of you but without the staying over. I dislike houseguests regardless of whether we share DNA or not.

And get your DH to sort this out.

My parents live 3.5hrs away from us and are around the age of retirement. They've always said that once they're retired they'd come and visit more often, however, now they're a bit older they're finding the journey more and more arduous so the opposite is happening.

It's possible that your MIL may find the regular journey harder than she's anticipating.

Salmotrutta - yes, it would be different to some extent if it was my mum, because being my mum she is one of the people I can totally relax with. However I would still need my space and certainly would not want her here all the time. And yes, MIL does have the same amount of shared DNA with DS as my mum does but, crucially, she doesn't share any DNA with me!

Whilst I'm willing to push myself a little out of my comfort zone by hosting some extra visits from MIL, at some point the impact on my own happiness and sense of wellbeing means that I will have to draw the line.

Hakluyt, when you say that "mothers of young children need all the help they can get" you sound exactly like how I think my MIL sees it! And of course for a lot of people that's true. But, actually, whilst it's nice to have a break every now and then, I don't really need help day to day, and for me the loss of privacy involved with regular overnight stays would outweigh the benefit of an extra pair of hands.

At the moment we see MIL approx every 2-3 weeks and I would say that that is fine. But, at present, those visits take place on weekends when DH is around and probably 2/3 of them are at her house. So overnight stays here with me when DH is away/ working are a very different kettle of fish. If I was purely considering my own needs, I wouldn't have any at all. If it were down to MIL, I think she would like to come every 3 weeks. So I think roughly every 6 weeks for a couple of nights is a reasonable compromise. This would be on top of our existing pattern of seeing them every 2/3 weeks at the weekend, as FIL and DH will both be working in the week so won't really get any benefit from the extra MIL visit.

Any chance of her moving closer to you so visits could be shorter but more frequent? Is there a fil to consider?

Hesterton - thanks, that's a definite possibility actually and as you say it could be a win-win. I think it would be one for when DS is a little older as right now I'm not ready to have him so far away overnight. I would also have to think about the logistics as I'm not totally comfortable with MIL's driving and the journey involves a lot of busy motorways. Maybe I would drop and collect. That's really given me something to think about though, so thank you.

PILs moving nearer is not really an option as FIL still works plus they have an active social life and are pretty settled where they are. BIL also lives locally to them and is getting married next year so there may be more grandchildren on the way before long.

Hesterton your post made me sad. I have a wee boy who is almost 2 and I hope I never feel like you do. It would break my heart to feel like I was a pain in the ass interloper butting into other peoples lives when they were privately wishing I'd just bugger off and leave them alone.

My mil was lovely and when she retired she would jump on 2 buses and just appear 2 or 3 times a week meant i had to enterain a guest after a few months of this I suggested meeting half way for lunch once every fortnight she seemed quite happy with and it cut her visits down we saw her every Sunday anyway she eventually got involved with a charity to keep herself from going stir crazy she said. You just need to wait and see how it pans out op if you invite her on your terms op so you are in control it will be fine

Delurked you sound like you're trying to handle this sensitively. You might find though that over time your MIL visits will decrease as she settles into a routine locally as she gets used to retirement. I'm a long way from retirement but I imagine suddenly going from working most of the week to pottering about alone for the same length of time would be a bit of a shock. She might be privately apprehensive about how she is going to fill her time. Personally, I'd wait to see how things pan out. You do have the right to say no to visits but I'd sit tight now and say nothing in case you upset her.

My MIL was round a lot or we went up to her when my DS was born, she hasn't worked in years so was free all the time. At the height I guess I was up to see her once a week and my DH might go up on a weekend and she was also down for lunch at least one other weekend a month. Then I went back to work and the regular visits fell away and we now see her once or twice a month and its fine. We also facetime - can you do that with your MIL?

Hesterton - I'm glad to hear it!

OP, when you live at a distance from family, this can be an issue.

However great it is for extended family to have an active role in the lives of children, having them stay in your house as a guest is an issue.

There are usually extra chores/expenses involved. And there is the loss of privacy.

However, I wouldn't worry in advance. Some of my family members who made great overtures about 'family' almost never visit. And as DC get older, it's very nice for all concerned for them to stay with Grannies and Aunties, allowing you some freedom and them to spoil the kids, unwatched by parents.

OP why don't you just see how things go? She sounds lovely. The sort of MIL who will wash up then go read in her room if you give " wanting to be alone"signals.

Just two things to remember- one day ( hopefully) you will be the MIL, and (this is making me cry) one day, you might, as I have , loose your own Mum. Knowing my lovely MIL is there for me- biding her time, not wanting to " replace" Mum is huge in terms of helping me survive.

She sounds lovely. I'm sure you can have a great ongoing relationship.

Ha... my MIL (77) is coming today to take DD(14) to a Pierce the Veil concert 40 miles away tonight - bit too screamo for me - but she is going a bit deaf and doesn't mind sitting in the bar whilst DD head-bangs down the front.

Don't mind her coming one little bit!

hak 'mothers of young children need all the help they can get'

Not necessarily. My PIL are great and despite living a distance from me would always jump in the car and come if I needed them, something which I truly value and appreciate.

I am however quite a different personality than my MIL. I've done/and do things that she just can't believe (eg travelling for work to a foreign country alone, managing the children, house etc on my own while my DH is away, working full time and managing the house and the children)

I'm pretty competent and very independent. I ask for help when I need it (very occasionally) and we see the PILs socially every week but I know my MIL doesn't understand why I don't need help more. She thinks that I ask my own Mum in preference to her but in fact I just hardly ever need help so hardly ever ask either of them.

I haven't yet managed to convince her that I'm not secretly desperately struggling.

We do see them lots and the children adore them though.

My PIL made the same noises. In actual fact it hasn't worked out that way.
They are both definitely ageing now FIL has retired and just don't have the same get-up and go they used to have. Coming down makes MIL ill and she says it makes FIL ill too (though no sign of it when he's here - though he does do all the driving so maybe by the time he gets back he is - 5 hours away). Nowadays when they come down MIL is most like seen sitting in a room separate to the children and she tends to live in her own little routine.
So life carries on regardless and if they want to join in they're very welcome.
Would play it by ear if I were you.