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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have spoken to a school mum about not strapping her DS into his car seat?

139 replies

PuntasticUsername · 29/03/2015 14:45

This happened a few days ago, but I'm still thinking about it.

I was walking my DS to school, when a car drove past us - I could see there was a woman driving, and a boy in the back seat who was not physically restrained in any way. When I saw him, he was standing up, hanging between the front seats. Speed was no more than 10mph as it's a busy road at that time of day and the traffic was stop-start, but (for instance) a vehicle behind could easily have rear-ended the car and knocked the boy forward.

When we got to school, I saw them get out of the car and they then walked up beside us. I nearly didn't say anything, but then I couldn't bear not to Sad

I said "Excuse me, did I just see you driving down [road]? And your son wasn't strapped in to his car seat?".

She said "Er, yeah" and did a sort of back-and-forth hand gesture as if to indicate "but it's not far".

(I MENTION THIS PURELY BECAUSE IT IS GERMANE TO THE SITUATION Grin the woman was of east Asian appearance, so given the hand gesture I wonder if perhaps she doesn't speak English fluently).

I took a deep breath, already feeling stressed out by the confrontation, and said "I'm sure you know this really, but even if it's "not far", your son still needs to be strapped in every time. It's really dangerous for him to travel in the car unrestrained".

At this point, she looked grumpy, clearly decided she didn't want to continue the conversation and strode off ahead of me. Perhaps I should have let it go at that point, but I felt I needed to justify my interference in her life. So I shouted after her "I'm so sorry, I REALLY don't normally judge people's parenting, but you were putting your son's life at risk".

WIBU? I am swinging between thinking I was an unbearable interfering busybody, especially to talk to her right outside the school in front of a lot of other parents (but then, I had to say it when I saw her - I don't know her, and haven't seen her before or since), and thinking I don't care what I am as long as I made her think twice about strapping her son into his car seat next time Sad

OP posts:
MrsWolowitz · 29/03/2015 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 14:48

I think the final comment was overkill if I am to be totally honest but you weren't being unreasonable to mention it. I'd probably have done so along the lines of 'ooh, careful in case you get a fine' as that sounds more like you're looking out for somebody rather than being judgemental and a bit overbearing.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 29/03/2015 14:50

I think maybe just mentioning it once when you saw her was the right thing to do, it flagged it up and that would probably enough to make sure she doesn't do it again. To shout after her, in public about her parenting skills once the point had been made, YWBU.

thatstoast · 29/03/2015 14:50

Yanbu to say something but you probably should have taken the hint when she walked off!

WorraLiberty · 29/03/2015 14:50

You were being very very unreasonable to tell her you were 'judging her parenting', rather than reminding her about a safety issue.

Luckily you didn't get a punch in the face though, so no harm done.

Theycallmemellowjello · 29/03/2015 14:53

Not unreasonable to do say something, unreasonable to shout after her that she was putting her child's life at risk. And unreasonable to mention ethnic origin in such a strange way.

Original poster
PuntasticUsername · 29/03/2015 14:53

Yeah, I agree really, I think the final comment was more about making myself feel justified rather than helping her Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
PuntasticUsername · 29/03/2015 14:55

X-post - oh, there's always one Wink - the comment about ethnic origin was to point out that maybe she wouldn't feel able to debate me in public, if she wasn't totally at home with the language.

OP posts:
LokiPokey · 29/03/2015 14:55

YWNBU.

I think it's quite brave to address the situation with how some people react to that sort of thing.
If she takes it on board, you could have potentially stopped that little boy geting hurt one day.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 29/03/2015 14:55

I'm not sure I would have done as you did and to shout after her once she's walked away made you look a bit daft imo.

Zebda · 29/03/2015 14:56

Honestly ywnbu. But I dont think I would have said anything for fear of an argument in the school playground (chicken). I admire you for doing so.

When my DC were tiny/toddlers we lived in the middle east and I saw it all - babies in arms in front passenger seat, back seats with up to 5 children together all unrestrained/jumpibg around. It used to really upset me there (same laws as here, just widely ignored). There though, it is less widely accepted to restrain (although local governments are trying to publicise the issue better) in the UK there is no excuse at all for not paying attention to known safety issues.

I hope the mum you saw gets pulled over by the police, perhaps then she will appreciate the severity of the issue and that she is doing something illegal.

threegoingonthirty · 29/03/2015 14:57

Not unreasonable. I've reported this to the police more than once with the cars numberplate, they take it it very seriously. Call 101 and they can get their ANPR cameras to look out for the car. You might just save a child's life.

ChipDip · 29/03/2015 14:57

Yes ywbu to be an interfering busybody.

Nanny0gg · 29/03/2015 15:19

Yes ywbu to be an interfering busybody.

Best to just stand by and wait for the accident then.

98percentchocolate · 29/03/2015 15:22

No ywnbu - you can repair a bruised ego but can never get a child back if they are killed in an accident.

Original poster
PuntasticUsername · 29/03/2015 15:25

I didn't think to call 101 - thanks, I will consider that if I see anyone doing this in future.

OP posts:
MrsRossPoldark · 29/03/2015 15:28

Defo YNBU. Maybe overkill with last remark, but you might just have saved that kids life - bottom line.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 29/03/2015 15:35

Shouting after her was too much because drawing attention to her and yourself like that was unnecessary. I cringed a tiny bit for you when I read that.

Ywnbu to mention it politely.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 29/03/2015 15:45

Some people don't seem aware of the rules/guidelines for car seats ywnbu to point it out but you could have handled it better, sounds like you know that though op! Don't worry about it, maybe say sorry for going ott next time you see her.

LaLyra · 29/03/2015 15:52

Not unreasonable to mention it imo. Most accidents happen close to home and on short journeys according to the radio advert my local radio station has at the moment so the 'not far' argument doesn't hold.

I'd rather think someone was rude than not say anything.

LittleBairn · 29/03/2015 16:12

YANBU to mention but the way you went about it was insufferable.
The first comment in particular was twatty you had seen her, your attitude was rather school teacher like and the shouting after was unnecessarily smug and fish wife like.

seriouslypeedoff · 29/03/2015 16:18

Ywnbu to speak to her. However ywbu to bring it up in front of other parents, to assume she doesn't have a grasp if English and is unable to debate the issue and for shouting to her when she walked off. It makes it look like you did it purely to look superior, rather because you were worried about the child.

Theoretician · 29/03/2015 16:18

It's really dangerous for him to travel in the car unrestrained

No it isn't. YABU to have spoken to her at all. Not just a busybody, but an insulting one, for implying your judgement is better than hers.

gallicgirl · 29/03/2015 16:25

Theoritician it's not judgement though. It's medical fact and a legal requirement to restrain your child in a car.

YWNBU but could have phrased it better and quite frankly, shouting after the mum makes you look like an idiot and would probably make her ignore your point.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/03/2015 16:30

Why is it not dangerous for him to travel in a car unrestrained?

I know that sometimes we feel we live in a nanny state, but I have absolutely no problem with the laws re car seats and seat belts. Certainly wouldn't want DS to travel with someone who didn't think seatbelts were necessary