To have spoken to a school mum about not strapping her DS into his car seat?

[PuntasticUsername]

This happened a few days ago, but I'm still thinking about it.

I was walking my DS to school, when a car drove past us - I could see there was a woman driving, and a boy in the back seat who was not physically restrained in any way. When I saw him, he was standing up, hanging between the front seats. Speed was no more than 10mph as it's a busy road at that time of day and the traffic was stop-start, but (for instance) a vehicle behind could easily have rear-ended the car and knocked the boy forward.

When we got to school, I saw them get out of the car and they then walked up beside us. I nearly didn't say anything, but then I couldn't bear not to

I said "Excuse me, did I just see you driving down [road]? And your son wasn't strapped in to his car seat?".

She said "Er, yeah" and did a sort of back-and-forth hand gesture as if to indicate "but it's not far".

(I MENTION THIS PURELY BECAUSE IT IS GERMANE TO THE SITUATION the woman was of east Asian appearance, so given the hand gesture I wonder if perhaps she doesn't speak English fluently).

I took a deep breath, already feeling stressed out by the confrontation, and said "I'm sure you know this really, but even if it's "not far", your son still needs to be strapped in every time. It's really dangerous for him to travel in the car unrestrained".

At this point, she looked grumpy, clearly decided she didn't want to continue the conversation and strode off ahead of me. Perhaps I should have let it go at that point, but I felt I needed to justify my interference in her life. So I shouted after her "I'm so sorry, I REALLY don't normally judge people's parenting, but you were putting your son's life at risk".

WIBU? I am swinging between thinking I was an unbearable interfering busybody, especially to talk to her right outside the school in front of a lot of other parents (but then, I had to say it when I saw her - I don't know her, and haven't seen her before or since), and thinking I don't care what I am as long as I made her think twice about strapping her son into his car seat next time

83 was the year it was compulsory to wear belts in the front, 91 was the year it was compulsory in the rear.

If you are a law enforcement officer - no.

If not, yes. It was none of your business. You are not responsible for her child's safety.

If you had said that to me I would have given you a piece of my mind, Little Miss Self-righteous!

Who do you think you are - going round reprimanding people like that!

You'll get a punch on the nose one day if you keep going round doing that!

Back seat belts were not always built in. Our parents had to have rear seat belts retro fitted in the 1980s. Meant they had to rethink how to transport 5 kids about.

zavi you sound a right charmer

how many dreadful things have happened because passers by did nothing and minded their own business? society should have zero tolerance for parents who behave like this. just like it is now OK to say to a mate "give me your keys you've had too much to drink" instead of turning a blind eye.

I remember mum having belts fitted to the back seats before they were compulsory in about 89/90 I hated them at first. Can't believe some people think its not dangerous to have child unrestrained in the car.

No unreasonable to mention it but unreasonable to judge her parenting without knowing the full story ,whilst I hate to bring up special needs / disabillity my nearly five your old with ASD and learning difficulties is like Houdini I. His car seat he van get out of anything in his school bus ( he goes to a special school) they have a special harness for him to that clips at the back and even with the escort sitting next to him he s figured out how to get out of it!

Can not van ffs!

Child seats were compulsory from 2006.

I think the safety aspect is over stated, yes it could be dangerous to have kids in a car without seatbelts but lots of things could be dangerous. I drive a car 6 months of the year that doesn't have a seatbelt, it's too old for them, and I don't give it a second thought - I would never have them retrofitted either - I'm happy with the risk.

YWNBU. I was being driven home by a friends brother in the mid 70's in a Morris Minor (no belts, tip up seats). I was in the back seat and as he went round a corner he met a tractor in the middle of the road and slammed on the brakes. I was thrown from the back right through and hit my head on the dashboard and narrowly missed the windscreen!
I am now paranoid about making sure children are belted up at all times!!!

Somebody posted a link on a similar thread to the story of a woman who had posted a photo of her son in a car seat on Facebook. He was clearly not strapped in properly but nobody said anything. They were in an accident and the wee boy suffered internal injuries that would have been avoided if he'd been strapped in properly. It was an utterly harrowing read, he was basically starving to death because his organs had stopped working so life support had to be turned off. Upshot is the mother now campaigns to get people to intervene in situations like this because if someone had said something to her then her son would still be alive. YWNBU at all.

I come from a country where most people don't wear seatbelts or restrain their children. It's got a massively road accident death rate than the UK. This is definitely one of the factors. There are more accidents overall due to various factors and they tend to be much less survivable due to the lack of restraints.
The reporting of accidents tends to be more graphic than here - and on nearly every fatal accident report the occupants were reported flung out of the car, or found however many meters away from the wreckage.
I've known and witnessed many people, children included, killed in depressingly needless crashes.
Those critisising the OP or saying it's not that dangerous - don't kid yourselves. An accident becomes lethal at pretty low speeds if you're not strapped in.

Back in the 70's when i was about five I was stood between the seats of my parents car. For some reason mum and I began to argue and I threw myself down behind her seat in a huff.
Seconds after I'd wedged myself between the back seat and the passenger seat a car rear ended my dad at about 30mph.

Probably fair to say that argument saved my life. As it was I was totally uninjured from my very protected position on the floor.
Car was scrapped and dad made sure it's replacement had rear seat belts. It's a moment I'll remember for the rest of my life.

Op, yanbu.

To put it in context. If it was only compulsory to restrain children in car seats/use seat belts from the eighties, then EVERY person you know who was born a few years befor that (everyone over 35ish??) survived trips in their cars.

Hahahaha You might want to have a little think about that zzzzz.

Why not have a look at the accident statistics pre/post seat belts and seat belt awareness campaigns? Bit more reliable than your method of thinking how many people you know now were killed in car accidents years ago.

I think there are several parts to this.

Was it reasonable for the mother not to strap her child in and to let him stand between the front seats? I think we'd probably all agree that this was not a good thing to do, and that he should have been strapped in properly.

Was the OP wrong to notice and be concerned? Again seems pretty OK I think that we are all fairly programmed now to think that it was a worrying sight, so not much debate there.

Should she have said anything to the mother? This one is more debatable, but I think it's how the conversation went that the OP was asking if she was reasonable about, and on this one I really think she wasn't. Fine to say something, and good for her to start what was bound to be an unwelcome conversation, but shouting after the woman was really poor form and likely to be very counterproductive too. Rather than reflecting on the seatbelt issue the woman is more likely to go away from the encounter thinking that the OP is a bit of a scary nutter.

Well done for saying something. (Although it might have been better without the shouting)

I remember when seat belts in the front became compulsory - I was at primary school. My dad already insisted on seat belts all round, with us kids in harness ones, with boosters.

The reason he insisted was that he was a roads engineer, and part of his job was going out to fatal accidents.

The reason we didn't argue with him about it was that there had been a family in our school (2 adults, 2 kids) who hadn't worn seatbelts. The length of time offschool, time spent in plaster, and in particular the facial scars from the windscreen glass, were a rather graphic reminder.

I would have done the same but I would have 'warned' her that the police have been about and that they are really clamping down on seat belts - Its less confrontational and she may be more likely to listen. If she was receptive then I might start a bit of lecture too.

It's a really stupid thing to do.

Shaggy Sounds like SA? I lost count of the numbers of bodies I saw. I'd always look away if I could. No seat belts, really overcrowded vehicles, stupid driving and loads of drunk driving - scarey stuff.

MrsDoyle spot on. Yes me too, I've seen things that will stay with me forever and I take car safety very seriously as a result.

Shouting at someone in public that they are endangering their DC's life is probably crossing the line.

If she disregarded a quiet word, your choice next time would be police or not.

Yelling at the school gate to shame her or save your own blushes is totally OTT.

To put it in context. If it was only compulsory to restrain children in car seats/use seat belts from the eighties, then EVERY person you know who was born a few years befor that (everyone over 35ish??) survived trips in their cars

What? That doesn't make sense. What about all the people who you don't know because they DIDN'T survive trips in their car.

As a baby mum used to put me to sleep on my stomach. It didn't do me any harm. Given the research into sids I would never put my baby on its front to sleep. While it didn't harm me, it harmed alot of babies. Same logic.

I don't think you were unreasonable although the last shouty bit was overkill as you have already admitted.

However, I do this on occasion (child will strap in the arms themselves but I won't click them in) for short journeys (eg a mile) mainly because it's a bit of a hassle to click in click off. I wouldn't have child getting out and standing though, that's a bit far for me.

I think as a parent you judge the risk to hassle ratio and you take the risk. Driving full stop is a risk. Walking to nursery with or without reins is a risk. We don't live in a sanitised world.

I genuinely wonder how people think that someone is going to react when called out on their behaviour: "Oh, yes, you're so right. Thank you for interfering and proving you are vastly superior to me." She's an idiot not to restrain her child, but you talking to her was never going to change her mind. Just report it to the police.

You drive for a mile with your child unrestrained because clicking the buckle closed is a hassle, zip?

In what way a 'hassle'?