Is it unreasonable to ask an au pair to have two under twos for an hour or two alone?

[Underthedeepblueocean]

I have two children, one of whom is only one in a couple of weeks. I am expecting a third baby this july. I have recently split with my husband and its all a bit confused and confusing but essentially those are the salient details.

The other detail is that I have NO local - or non-local for that matter - help or support. My baby is a screamer (teeth ) and some days I want to join in the screaming myself!

I was wondering about getting an au pair to help with the home/children and the primary reason is this: sometimes I don't want the children. Just for an hour or so a day, to walk or to get some shopping or whatever - just to BREATHE!

Various replies on the relevant board indicate it definitely is or may not be. What is it? I would pay above the going rate by the way :)

Please, please, don't indicate that I am hopeless / bringing up two babies alone with no support is impossible / this could happen and you haven't planned for it etc. I know it is AIBU but it just makes me think I am rubbish and can't cope without DH and I just can't afford to be in that mindset.

Not unreasonable at all. I had some part time help with 3 babies all under 2 and a half. It's what they're paid for, after all! she used to take the twins out for 2 hour long walks to give me a breather.

I wouldn't leave an au pair with potentially x3 small children newborn up.

I think for the cost of an au pair living at your home, you will be better off having a proper nanny part time.

Someone who has own children now and doesn't want to work full time might work. Mon, wed and fri 9am-12pm. 12 hrs of good nanny would cost the same as an au pair being paid well.

You could then fully trust them to take all three children those hours to you can do other stuff

Sounds like a good idea to me. Could you start looking now rather than wait until the baby is born so that you can take your time getting just the right person?
A friend of mine is temporarily in Spain and has just got a job like this with a single mum of twins whose partner left her before the babies were born.

There are three children but my eldest is fairly independent - he is eight.

The problem with nannies is that they are not really in abundance in these parts :)

Sorry forgot to say my friend's working as a nanny not an au pair.

You need a nanny or mothers help. An au paircannot look after under 3 year olds.

That's what I'm hoping for ilovesooty :) I also have no one to have DS and DD when I give birth which is frightening the living daylight out of me exacerbating my anxiety somewhat :)

I love my children so very dearly but I have to admit to being a bit rubbish with babies.

Well regardless of who you actually get (and I'm sure you'll get that sorted) it sounds a really positive move on your part.

Hasn't this all been dissected already in another thread at great length?

Definitely not unreasonable to want to do this but it depends on the au-pair. Remember most APs are just young, inexperienced and unqualified kids who want a way of living abroad for a while - not childcare specialists. Frankly, as an experienced mum myself I would be scared looking after two under twos that belong to someone else.

But an AP would be great to give you the chance to have a shower or mumsnet while you're around but not being hands on. Or to take one dc off your hands while you take the other one shopping. I'd go for it.

There are two many twos in that title too!

Fire - no, not to my satisfaction anyway. Sorry if it's boring you but it's pressing on my mind a bit :)

I would hope for just an hour in the afternoon when they're sleeping ... I wouldn't go when they're both shrieking. Honest.

It's very, very difficult coordinating the different needs without any help at all and I really am doing my best, but it's not always easy.

Thanks.

I wouldn't want to, tbh. Agree with artandco. You need someone higher quality and trained. Re the birth, would a doula be able to assist?

My brother and I were about eight and eleven when we idolised our older cousin who was really into nirvana - we ripped our jeans up! Got into so much trouble for that!

Wrong thread! That was meant for the one about children's clothes!

Lady - I don't know. I need someone to look after my children really, not me!

I didn't think au pairs were meant to do this kind of unsupervised childcare?? I think you need a nanny or "mother's help" - au pairs are usually young people doing housework in exchange for living in the UK to learn English.

I was thinking that the thread in Childcare got somewhat heated. I can't see one in AIBU being anything other than much worse!

I'm almost tempted to pop out for popcorn .

Well yes - I suppose I was wondering about the legalities.

If I was to go down the nanny route it would be a LOT of money. Part time isn't really an option, I don't think - this is a very rural area and not many people live here. As such I could be wrong but it isn't like London with people available for employment.

Oh. Not this again!

OK. Apologies. I will leave it there.

Is this driven by cost - i.e. you can't afford a nanny?

I dont think aupair is a bad option for you as long as you are not leaving them in sole care on a systematic basis and you are nearby for the short 1-2hrs you leave them. Assuming you are generally a SAHM then the aupair is not formally in sole charge.

That said, the mothers help suggestion is a good one - then you can leave in sole care and assistance with chores etc is also an intrinsic part of the job, which would ease things for you in general.

Not sure why you are getting a hard time about posting the qu OP, its a completely reasonable one and you are thinking through tricky issues. Hopefully some of the responses you get are useful as you think it all through

I would struggle to afford a nanny, yes.

Zebda - thank you. It is tricky just now and probably will be for a long time.