Is it unreasonable to ask an au pair to have two under twos for an hour or two alone?

[Underthedeepblueocean]

I have two children, one of whom is only one in a couple of weeks. I am expecting a third baby this july. I have recently split with my husband and its all a bit confused and confusing but essentially those are the salient details.

The other detail is that I have NO local - or non-local for that matter - help or support. My baby is a screamer (teeth ) and some days I want to join in the screaming myself!

I was wondering about getting an au pair to help with the home/children and the primary reason is this: sometimes I don't want the children. Just for an hour or so a day, to walk or to get some shopping or whatever - just to BREATHE!

Various replies on the relevant board indicate it definitely is or may not be. What is it? I would pay above the going rate by the way :)

Please, please, don't indicate that I am hopeless / bringing up two babies alone with no support is impossible / this could happen and you haven't planned for it etc. I know it is AIBU but it just makes me think I am rubbish and can't cope without DH and I just can't afford to be in that mindset.

Best thing would be to advertise for exactly what you want at a wage you can afford in the local paper and chances are there is someone fairly nearby who needs a job. Not sure why the title matter too much as long as it's clear who is the employer and what are the terms.

That's just what we've been saying - that he left - the difficult questions are 'why can't he have the children'

Even if I just say I'd rather not talk about it (true!) it sets the rumour mill in motion. I do believe most people are kind but people are also nosy and I am the nosiest of nosy people myself so that isn't a criticism, I just can't bear to not be believed or sides to be taken or anything just now. Better people just think he's gone.

And if people think he's gone, then that's OK - and thus why you need help!

If someone asks why he can't have the children, you can just say "he's left" or "he's not around to help" or "their dad's gone, I'm afraid" or whatever phrase is just enough but not too much. You don't need to apologise or say you don't want to talk about it - just deflect. Better if you can turn it back to the point in hand: "It's not ideal but their father's out of the picture and I'm totally on my own with the kids right now, so that's why I need some extra help."

If you employ an au pair, you'd need to get them up to speed on what contact is allowed with their father, so you need to do some explanation at some point.

I'm sorry this is so hard. for you. Sounds tough.

I second posting a vague looking for ad hoc help message on childcare.co.uk or whatever other sites people use and seeing what comes your way. We found someone amazing to help us out of a sticky situation this way.
As for au pair... The uk doesn't operate under official legal au pair set up anymore so you can ask for whatever you want. Take a look at au pair world. There are older au pairs with childcare experience but less good English that might suit you. Obviously just avoid the teenagers and there is a good chance it'll work out just fine.

I know but there's a big difference between explaining to someone I don't know and to someone who lives locally and who's children know my children :)

I know I'm being a bit defensive. It's just I know that some blame lies with me as well for putting up with it for years.

I had an au pair when I gave birth to my baby alone (no H). My next youngest was 3, but I gave birth in hospital and she looked after the children then.

I had her to help once the baby was born, but didn't really leave the baby with her to start with. After a few weeks she wanted to hold the baby and would occasionally take her to do the school run to get the others, or have her while I nipped out to the shops. She was more helpful though in looking after the other children while I concentrated on the baby - so her and I would fall asleep together on the sofa in the after noon (the baby was very clingy unfortunately).

I thought I would never cope, but I did and it was ok. Hard (as the baby never slept at night) but I got through it.

I think if you get the right au pair and she is capable and grows close to your family you will at least be able to rely on her to look after your 1 year old which will help immensely. She'll be able to hold your baby while you do stuff like put your 1 year old to bed.

Many thanks for that :) I will take a look.

You too henrietta :)

I know I'm being a bit defensive. It's just I know that some blame lies with me as well for putting up with it for years.

Sounds like your husband was an arse. So I wouldn't blame you for anything. Try not to blame yourself, either. Anyone can be a victim, and you are obviously a survivor now.

OP, I have never had an au pair myself but know several friends etc who have. One of these was my dear friend who left her abusive husband, she had three kids one of which was only one at the time.

Kids went to nursery/ school whilst she was at work but the au pair DID have sole chRge of all three for short periods two to three times per week, eg if Friend had to go to. Doctors, have haircut, out for a quick meal in the evening etc.

The aspect to this which made it work ( I believe) was that the au pair was a Lady in her mid twenties, she was struggling to find paid employment in her Eastern European Country and also wanted to experience life in the UK. She was sensible and came with life experience as well as a bit of childcare experience. It worked really well.

Another friend of mine hired an 'older' au pair, she also worked out really well.

People on mumsnet always seem to balk at people asking their au pairs to have sole charge of preschoolers, however, in my opinion it depends entirely on whether the individual involved would feel confident and happy to unstable this role, and also what else they might be required to do on top of this ( e.g they shouldn't be used as an underpaid nanny).

Personally I think getting paid circa £500 per month tax free with free bed and board and maybe other perks isn't so bad for evena. Few hours a day sole charge, again as long as the person knows this is what is expected of them and you are as happy as you can be they come to it with the messes are life experience etc.

Good luck. X

You really don't need to tell people more than he is no longer in the picture; so many people have such a variety of family set ups, even in more rural areas, that yours won't be a unique situation.

I'm sure you'd find someone suitable with a local ad, in post office or local newsletter or whatever, and you'll have tine to get to know them a bit better so you feel more relaxed about the kids feeling safe with them whilst you're busy having new one or if you have to go to hospital.
I'm also too far or I'd offer to meet up and be emergency backup, but am hours away so of no help.

Thanks so much, that's really very reassuring :)

If definitely wouldn't be for long periods and it might not even be often. Just knowing I could have an hour here or there means I can cope - if that makes sense!

I'm exactly 4 months away from giving birth apparently so need to get things sorted :)

Squirrels- thank you - I do blame myself not for the abuse but for not walking away sooner. A lot of the things I'm struggling with: a third pregnancy, isolation, DS - are things that could have been avoided. Hate myself for that.

As you know, I'm in a very similar situation.

Can you post (or PM) some further details. What is your budget for childcare? Did you ever get to the bottom of the tax credit thing?

I would recommend posting on childcare.co.uk with your exact requirements, and situation. You might be pleasantly surprised at what is available.

It's difficult, as I just don't know the area you live, and have no idea what it is like to live rurally. I live in a town, between 2 major cities.

Regards to other people, if I have to say anything and don't want to go into detail, I just say 'their dad doesn't see them any more'. Sometimes I add that it's because he's a total wanker. It depends .

It shouldn't be a problem for an au pair provided you choose one with some experience with children and specify before you hire. A lot of au pairs are older because they travel around Europe au pairing for 4-6 years, and will thus have both the experience and maturity needed. I would probably not go for an 18-20 yr old though.

I don't know the specific rules in te uk, but I imagine they aren't too different from the ones here, and tbh a lot of au pairs are generally willing to go slightly outside the job description ion occasion anyway - like any family member would.

We have an au pair atm for our 2.5 year old. She started when he was 20 months and has sole care of him mon- fri while we work. She's actually only a year younger than me (29), and has been a god send. Now that I'm on maternity leave with ds2 she still mostly has ds1 during the day (they'll go out most mornings) and I have ds2. Obviously if they're home we share care or I'll watch the kids while she cleans or whatever. Now that ds2 is 5 months she ocasionally has them both for an hour so I can go to them gym.

OP I think you have done well and been very sensible to start planning ahead now, and I am a firm believer in dragging in help for difficult times ( with we had drafted in kore over the years lol!!).

As a PP said, start casting you net around, maybe putting 'adverts' up on UK sites and au pair world etc. See ehat you come up with. You may find some au pairs would prefer to come to a family with no adult male present, or are keen on supporting a single Mum. Good luck with it all.

Well, money wise things are actually pretty positive but all the same a full time nanny would be a stretch and plus she wouldn't be strictly needed if you follow me. I don't need childcare per se just a little tiny bit of help when I can't be in three places at once.

I have to admit it's my mental health I am worried about and to be quite candid about matters I have been close to the edge before and I can feel myself sliding horribly.

Everything is just so raw. I do understand what people are saying but the inevitable questions about 'well can't their dad have them' will come up and since their dad is excellent at maintaining a respectable public image that is affable, courteous and general pillar of the community stuff I know sympathy will fall on him unless I go into detail which I can't bring myself to do. So I do just have to avoid the whole subject. I don't mind 'our marriage has ended' it's the additional 'and he will not be seeing the children unsupervised until 2030 something' that doesn't need bringing up :)

Not dragging in help for gods sake 'drafting' lol!!

Many thanks for other posts. You are very kind.

Hmm. Underneath all that bet you'd be surprised to find what people really think! In my experience, smallish rural places tend to mean people do know what others are really like, even if they play along with the charade for appearances sake.

One day you'll feel strong enough, don't worry. But if that time is not now, then fair enough. I bet you would feel better about things though if you could talk to someone, and so might you consider counselling? Confidential and could be really helpful in forgiving yourself.

and cos you can't have much !

Thanks :) I'm sort of seeing a counsellor - it is helping but it's difficult because the baby is always with me. :)

My au pair is 25 and would be eminently capable of looking after two small children. She looked after her small cousins back home from the age of 15, and worked in a nursery before coming to the UK. I wouldn't hesitate to trust her in that situation and I'm sure there are lots of others like her. With the right person you'll be fine.

But. Right now, I wonder if you should be kind to yourself. I found it a big strain when our first au pair arrived six months after my ex left. She was lovely but it wasn't easy sharing my living space and it took a while to get my head round it all.

If money is ok, why not a live out nanny on a six month contract with a clear requirement she may need to come out when you are in labour. Less stress, possibly more peace of mind and you could have some real time off. Longer term an au pair sounds great - but you need to think about yourself too. An extra pair of hands, help with the baby, and real time off to do what you need regularly will do you a lot of good right now.

Hang on in there. I remember how tough it was at first and I didn't have half the complications you seem to have.

Thanks. That's really kind of you and possibly is the best option.

I think money, if you have it, can make epically shit situations just that tiny bit less shit, and should be used for exactly that.

Good luck. In five years time you will be amazed at how far you've come and how well you've coped and how much better your life is (and, I suspect, well before that too, but it's almost five years to the day since my ex left and life really is better for us all than I ever could have hoped).