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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable to ask an au pair to have two under twos for an hour or two alone?

143 replies

Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 14:42

I have two children, one of whom is only one in a couple of weeks. I am expecting a third baby this july. I have recently split with my husband and its all a bit confused and confusing but essentially those are the salient details.

The other detail is that I have NO local - or non-local for that matter - help or support. My baby is a screamer (teeth Sad) and some days I want to join in the screaming myself!

I was wondering about getting an au pair to help with the home/children and the primary reason is this: sometimes I don't want the children. Just for an hour or so a day, to walk or to get some shopping or whatever - just to BREATHE!

Various replies on the relevant board indicate it definitely is or may not be. What is it? I would pay above the going rate by the way :)

Please, please, don't indicate that I am hopeless / bringing up two babies alone with no support is impossible / this could happen and you haven't planned for it etc. I know it is AIBU but it just makes me think I am rubbish and can't cope without DH and I just can't afford to be in that mindset.

OP posts:
IAmAPaleontologist · 29/03/2015 16:00

Regarding labour, having an aupair living in won't help you anyway as you can't leave her with the children. Any reasonable part time employee (nanny, mother's help etc) if you discussed it ahead of time would be perfectly happy to be on call for you. You need to build up a bit of a list of people who could help, to approach school mums etc or you are going to have to ask your MW about emergency foster carers and get a plan in place to have your dc looked after if there is nobody else. From the way you are talking I am assuming here that their dad isn't an option.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 16:01

Janine, the babies.

I could have misread it but I am literally talking about an hour a day possibly - I am not talking about leaving her with them for hours at a time. My eldest will mostly be at school during the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 16:02

No, dad isn't an option.

How would foster care work though? It's my only option I suppose but just seems horribly extreme.

OP posts:
mariamin · 29/03/2015 16:03

Au pairs are usually young and inexperienced in child care. This seems a big ask and I would be worried whether an au pair could cope.

IAmAPaleontologist · 29/03/2015 16:04

Oh and don't let being 15 min away from the city put you off part time stuff, really. We are semi rural, about 15 min from city and when we advertised recently for a part time nanny we had a lot of interest. We had applicants who lived in villages the other side of the city so who were about half an hour away. You could try ringing an agency, it is a bit cheeky but if you ring them , explain your requirements, ask to talk about it etc because you've never had a nanny before then they are usually very helpful, talk you through the process, tell you the regional average salary and so on. Then they tell you it will be £10 million for them to find you a nanny and you say "no thanks" and advertise on the cheap websites Grin.

IAmAPaleontologist · 29/03/2015 16:09

Extreme yes, but if you are saying that you have absolutely nobody else to have the children then what happens if at 2am there is an emergency and you need to transfer in rather than have your homebirth? You need a back up plan. I'm not trying to be difficult, I think homebirth is a great idea for you (and I had all of mine at home with older ones sleeping through the birth :)) but there needs to be a back up plan. Does your eldest honestly have no friends at all,who he therefore already knows and would be comfortable with, who you can ring up and say "I know we don't really know each other, but I'm really stuck, you might have heard that I'm on my own now and that means I don't have anyone who could watch the dc when number 3 comes and I was really hoping that you might be willing to help me out"?

veryseriousgirl · 29/03/2015 16:14

Hi Ocean,

I think it's entirely reasonable - if both you and the au pair have discussed it in advance and are completely comfortable. We've recently been interviewing au pairs to replace our current one who is going back home for a university course, and we received a lot of applications from older, more qualified people (especially from Spain).

On au pair world, we had well over 100 applications and we honestly live in the middle of nowhere (but with transport links to a mid-sized city 1/2 hour away and a market town 20 minutes away).

I would advise joining au pair world and describing your situation and see what kinds of applications you get. There were some honestly amazing people applying to us and our shortlist of three included a trainee paediatric nurse and two nursery school teachers all in their mid twenties - so definitely plenty of qualifications and life experience for all of them. Our au pair won't be with us forever - there is a definite "I will do this for 9 months because I want to learn English enough to move on to bigger and better things" element to the arrangement, but it works well for both our family and the au pair.

Hope this is helpful!

Chchchchanging · 29/03/2015 16:18

I'm guessing Shropshire/Hereford area if it's rural but with a town?
There on the surface isn't much about but the hidden giant houses all have staff- you may find one of the housekeepers would be happy to do a few hours- I'd use local post office etc to pop a few ads in, and whilst it sounds ridiculous look at the lady website!!

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 16:19

Thank you.

It isn't a city we are near - the nearest one is about an hour and a half away but there is a direct train there.

There's no one my DS is especially close to, no - I don't really want it spreading, it is a small community.

IAm - the 'what ifs' are what I'm trying to establish now :)

OP posts:
Evabeaversprotege · 29/03/2015 16:21

Op - would your ex p not be there to take the children when you're in labour?

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 16:21

No, it isn't an option.

OP posts:
Evabeaversprotege · 29/03/2015 16:25

Sorry, just see you've already said not.

IAmAPaleontologist · 29/03/2015 16:28

Good luck.

Like I said in my first post having an AP could work to give you a hand and a break at times so long as you were around and not leaving her in sole charge. Or look into childminders for your toddler? I know it doesn't get you a break from the new baby but if toddler is with CM perhaps 3 afternoons a week then you'll have those times to snuggle, to have a break while baby naps?

Labour wise you could chat to nanny agencies or something like sitters.co.uk as some places do emergency cover.

TwoOddSocks · 29/03/2015 16:36

YANBU if you're paying over the going rate you can probably shop around for someone with a bit of experience with younger babies who would be able to cope with this. I think it becomes exploitative when an au pair is expected to act like a nanny and provide a full day's child care but an hour or two is totally reasonable as long as she knows she'll need to deal with babies before you hire her.

Eva50 · 29/03/2015 16:45

I would try putting something in the local paper and asking about. You might be surprised at how many people could be interested. It could suit a SAHM with children at school or a youngish retired person who would like a few hours work but not as much as a part tome job. Something like this would suit me down to the ground although unfortunately I don't live anywhere near you.

NoSquirrels · 29/03/2015 16:58

I grew up rural-ish England-Wales border. If you could overcome your (understandable) reluctance to advertise your situation then I bet there would be plenty of people who could help you. For instance, where my parents live, a lot of people (older, reliable, not necessarily a trained nanny but with life experience, grown children of their own etc.) would definitely be interested in a job like this. There are a lot of people who have small jobs to make ends meet and would jump at something like this. And you'd hopefully form a nice relationship with them too.

When you say you "don't want it spreading", realistically, it probably will. That's the nature of small close-knit communities. So it would be better to use it to your advantage! I bet you have done nothing wrong to be on your own; whatever judgement you fear I think you'd be pleasantly surprised by people's reactions.

MinesAPintOfTea · 29/03/2015 17:08

They will know that ds's dad has left already. Unless he never speaks to anyone at school...

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 17:09

Yes, but I don't really want the details being made public.

Thank you.

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 29/03/2015 17:13

You don't need to go into details - just say that you have split and you are on your own now.

More broadly, it sounds like you could really do with building some social networks - maybe this could be a step in the right direction?

StackladysMorphicResonator · 29/03/2015 17:14

Get an older au pair - one on a gap year post-university - and make sure she/he has experience with young children.

I was an au pair for a post-uni gap year, and had sole charge of a 3 month-old, a 20-month old and a five year old for 48 hours, which was totally fine and unproblematic. I had the number of a friend to call if I needed help in an emergency.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 17:15

Janine - it would become obvious there was more to it as DH can't have the children which everyone would ask about. Do you see what I mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 17:15

Thanks stacks :)

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 29/03/2015 17:18

I do see what you mean. You could think of a couple of stock phrases though: 'My ex can't have the children and I don't want to go into details'.

Longterm your isolation won't improve if you don't begin to allow the possibility of opening up - even ever so slightly - to people and allowing people in. You might be surprised.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 17:19

I know what you mean but the rumour mill would just start flying and I don't think I can let DS face that right now.

Thanks, though :)

Not sure if things will ever stop being so isolated :) I just want to get this pregnancy out of the way to be honest!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/03/2015 17:29

Start from the assumption that people are kind, OP. You won't be able to stop people gossiping about why your DH has left, that is true. But you don't need it to be a mystery that seems terrible (even if it is, which I guess is what you're really saying.)

Lots of people get left on their own and the other parent isn't around/isn't able to have the kids. Your DS will need his own answer to why he doesn't see his dad - kids are curious too, he'll get asked. So if you can come up with a way of talking about it that is OK for everyone, that would be best.

Advertise locally for some ad-hoc childcare in your home/mother's help etc. Your husband has left, you're on your own, you need a bit of respite day-to-day with the younger ones while the eldest is at school - that's totally non-remarkable. You might well need that even if you had a DH who was around! The way you sell it without being a target of gossip is to approach it as if it's a totally reasonable assumption that you need help sometimes, not that's it's a special circumstance.