Is it unreasonable to ask an au pair to have two under twos for an hour or two alone?

[Underthedeepblueocean]

I have two children, one of whom is only one in a couple of weeks. I am expecting a third baby this july. I have recently split with my husband and its all a bit confused and confusing but essentially those are the salient details.

The other detail is that I have NO local - or non-local for that matter - help or support. My baby is a screamer (teeth ) and some days I want to join in the screaming myself!

I was wondering about getting an au pair to help with the home/children and the primary reason is this: sometimes I don't want the children. Just for an hour or so a day, to walk or to get some shopping or whatever - just to BREATHE!

Various replies on the relevant board indicate it definitely is or may not be. What is it? I would pay above the going rate by the way :)

Please, please, don't indicate that I am hopeless / bringing up two babies alone with no support is impossible / this could happen and you haven't planned for it etc. I know it is AIBU but it just makes me think I am rubbish and can't cope without DH and I just can't afford to be in that mindset.

Speak to the mobile creche Co they know childcarers all over. Might be able to find you someone qualified. Might know a student willing to come live in over the summer. Mobilecreche.biz. the mobile creche Co based north Wales but they travel and also have people based all over.

You don't know how birth will go u might need cesarean or whatever. You need someone with experience.

I think having another adult living in would be a godsend, just for things like dealing with the occasional
Out of hour gp dash, getting up first in the morning etc

I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to find a suitable au pair

But make sure you find one that you can get on well with

Or advertise in the local town . You just have to stick yto whatever story you want to stick to. No one will care the circumstances if you are reasonable employer. Unless you living a hermit life people will know you are the woman having a baby... withbtwo already and alone. people will be happy to help. Reach out a little.

If they're local you'll be able to get local references. If they come from a college or an agency tho references will be sorted for you.

What you need is someone with experience, for occasional hours. I found a brilliant American mature student who needed some work. She wrote on her CV that she had looked after her seven younger cousins!

Anyway she looked after 1 and 3 year old for me and went on to look after my pals three kids under 5. She was not qualified but by this time we knew her very well, so we built up to her being alone with the kids.

I found her though advertising in the local university part-time jobs part. And being prepared to sift through about 20 applications.

My ex and the mother of his dc hired an au pair when their dc were small, both under 2, and the AP looked after the dc pretty much all day every day whilst the dm ran her shop. So it can happen!

I definitely recommend getting a doula for the birth. I had one for the birth of dd2, as I knew her father would be as much use as a chocolate teapot (I was right). I got one for free too as she was training, I just had to pay her expenses. I live rurally too so it's not just in cities that things like that happen. If you got one she would want to get to know you before the birth so best to crack on with finding one.

I live in a tiny little town, more of a big village really, and there are often ads up in the post office window advertising for work wanted as a mother's help. Putting a wanted ad up locally would be anonymous so no one would know it was you unless they replied. Or if you have any community Facebook groups that can be a great place for finding people, our local one is forever matching people up with cleaners/nannies/dog walkers etc.

Good luck, hope you get things sorted. It is terribly isolating living rurally as a lone patent, especially if you have left an abusive relationship so confidence/mood probably not great right now. I fully understand as I'm in the same boat myself.

I was chatting to someone recently who always manages to find newly-qualified Spanish primary school teachers to work as her au pair. Apparently there are loads of them because they need to improve their english to get a good job. I see no reason someone a little older and better qualified like this couldn't cope with three children, including a newborn, for short periods.

Thank you :) in many ways I think I'd rather just go into hospital and give birth there alone as long as I know the children are in safe hands. So I don't think I really want a doula.

I think what I will do is employ someone for three months as a nanny in the month before the birth and the two months after and explain she will be needed when I go into labour. After that we could look at either part time work or an au pair - at that time the worst will be over, I hope and the baby would be able to go into childcare for short periods.

Good luck - you sound like your really going through it - keep positive and remember it gets easier. X

Thank you. I will try to hang on to that.

I've worked on and off as a babysitter, then mothers help, then nanny since I was about 16. I've met plenty of au pairs in playgrounds and at school gates. Some may have been very young (but so was I and I've also, like them, never done any training beyond basic first aid) but some were amazing and probably just what you need. I've always lived out, I speak English as my first language and was more expensive. I took my responsibilities very seriously but so did some excellent au pairs I knew. Most of the au pairs I've ever met have been treated really badly working many hours a week often as sole carers and with no support/transport/time allowed to get to English lessons. I would have thought as long as you meet your obligations to an au pair by being very clear about the number of hours work and duties your expect to be covered in exchange for bed, board and £'s an au pair could be a really happy solution for you and them. A few hours alone with the kids a week doesn't sound like a big deal at all, I've heard of au pairs caring for three kids all week in total isolation for £50 a week - not something I could compete with! Just make sure you find a nice grown up you don't mind sharing your house with, respect her time off and enjoy yours! My god we all need it!!!

Nightmare situation. I have children a similar age and my mental health certainly couldnt cope with a third pregnancy.

I think your 3 month nanny plan is an excellent one.

Good luck.

Glad to hear it isn't just me!

I didnt read your other thread, but I have three with almost those age gaps, and my advice to you would be to move somewhere youve got support.

I know youd rather not have that sort of upheaval, but I think it would be your best option and better to do it before your next baby arrives if you can.

I dont think many aupairs are going to want to live rurally. Youre going to be stuck stuck stuck. You need to move to a town. Somewhere with toddler groups, somewhere theres a college where teenagers are learning childcare and need practice families. Somewhere you can make friends easier and have emotional support.

Do you have family who could help?

I don't have any support at all. Please, please don't tell me I need it as I just don't have it.

youll be more likely to be able to get it if youre not living out in the sticks.
Youre already trying to think of ways of hiring help. Practical head on, stop panicking. None of this will kill you, although it is hard x

We're onto our 4th au pair, and we've had -without exception -4 amazing girls. Completely trustworthy, lovely, and incredible with our DC.

Our first was a mother's help, and this was back when we were in the UK and I was working from home. She was experienced, and had DS from when he was 1. DD arrived 6 months later, and when she was about 5 months old, our mother's help would have them both for short periods each day. I trusted her implicitly.

I'm still in touch with all the girls. In fact, our current au pair's family have just left after staying with us for a few days, out here visiting their daughter.

We absolutely love the experience - we have made friends for life with the girls who've lived with us. They are vastly more mature than I was at their age! No point judging them by your own teen/early 20s standards (or mine, at least! ), as in my experience the girls who sign up for this, are a pretty special breed.

The au pair-as-childcare situation is quite heavily frowned upon on here, but it's almost always from people who don't actually have first-hand experience of it.

I should say though, that there is a huge onus on host families to be nice, decent people, and it's only ever going to work well, if you put in what you expect back. Feel free to PM me, if you have any questions. :)

Uprooting us from our home to the midst of a city will not bring support, just upheaval!

Thanks sundae :)