Is it unreasonable to ask an au pair to have two under twos for an hour or two alone?

[Underthedeepblueocean]

I have two children, one of whom is only one in a couple of weeks. I am expecting a third baby this july. I have recently split with my husband and its all a bit confused and confusing but essentially those are the salient details.

The other detail is that I have NO local - or non-local for that matter - help or support. My baby is a screamer (teeth ) and some days I want to join in the screaming myself!

I was wondering about getting an au pair to help with the home/children and the primary reason is this: sometimes I don't want the children. Just for an hour or so a day, to walk or to get some shopping or whatever - just to BREATHE!

Various replies on the relevant board indicate it definitely is or may not be. What is it? I would pay above the going rate by the way :)

Please, please, don't indicate that I am hopeless / bringing up two babies alone with no support is impossible / this could happen and you haven't planned for it etc. I know it is AIBU but it just makes me think I am rubbish and can't cope without DH and I just can't afford to be in that mindset.

Op, lots of people here to support you. Don't go.

You need a nanny, not an au pair

Why come on a thread just to say "not again" when you could just stay off it rather than make the OP feel worse?

Purple I can see why you feel this and if a nanny was available for two hours a day I would agree but as it stands I don't think that's possible.

Thanks six - that's kind of you.

And ils :)

I've often wondered what nannies of school aged children do, you might find you could have a few daytime school hours of a nanny?

Surely au pairs are normally young adults who come to england to learn english. Im not sure id trust a 18 year old or similar who maybe doesnt have english as her or his first language to look after 3 children, two being very young. I think you need someone with more experience than that! Maybe an aupair with experience of children or a nanny.

Did you say you lived somewhere quite remote? I'm not sure that's going to be very attractive to an au pair, or would offer him/her the fairest living conditions to be honest, especially if you're already asking them to look after 3 children alone, 2 of whom are babies.

What is your ex husband doing to help you sort this out/look after his children?

What about a casual arrangement with a local mum of school age dcs?

With a baby due in July you could get a university student who is finished for the summer to help in those crucial 3 months. If there are any local colleges offering childcare courses or other FE places you could enquire there.

I know when I was a student (and out of halls for 3 months) I would have loved a live in position for the summer.

I would suggest contacting one of the big nanny schools (like Norland) and getting a newly qualified girl. Most will just at the sort of experience you will be offering them and they come at a very reasonable rate when they're fresh out of school. Worth a try.

I would not personally leave an au-pair with children of that age by themselves. I know some nannies who wouldn't be able to cope with those ages if disaster struck!

Will try.

It's quite remote here but very beautiful, and there is a lovely town just 15 minutes away with nightlife, shops, college, etc. I'd put her on the car insurance of course. And there is a train station.

Will look at the newly qualified nanny - thanks.

Could you ask at the school gate if anyone knows someone who wants a school hours mother's help role?

My dm was in a similar position why I will never love rurally and another mum got a very parttime role which didn't interfere with school pickups.

Surely you can afford a part time nanny if your were planning full time au pair?

If the town is 15mins away there will be nannies around for part time hours.

You say you just want some time to walk/ go to shops/ appointments etc. paying someone for around 10hrs a week should cover that and help.

An aupair would be fine so long as both you and she know the limits. So you could get the AP to play with toddler and cuddle baby while you are in the next room having some down time. Or AP could take older one and toddler to the park and you have time with baby/baby has nap so you can have down time. There are plenty of ways to get that down time for you within the remit of an AP's role, you just can't do things like leave her with the dc while you go shopping for example. You'd have to be on hand if necessary.

However, think carefully. APs are young. Often 18/19. They often need a bit of looking after themselves. She would be living in your house. She will be there ALL THE TIME. If you are fairly rural she might not even have much of a social like/be able to go out. So when the day is done, you've got your dc to bed, you want to collapse on the sofa and have a glass of wine and half a pack of biscuits and watch crap of TV while MNing and relish the solitute, the AP will still be there.

I'd have a look for some part time help, perhaps local girls doing childcare in college might be glad to gather experience for their CVs as they look towards applying for nursery nurse jobs? Same sort of limitations as to leaving them in sole charge until you get to know and trust them I'd have thought since they'd be young but possible. Lots of websites you can put your job advert up without paying, you just can't message people and see contact details so you can let a few replies role in, view their profiles etc and then subscribe for a month if you feel you've got a decent little pool of candidates to message back and contact.

As to local support and needing someone to care for the others. 1) talk to someone if you have not already. Just talk to your MW, she might have suggestions. What about your eldest? Does he have close friends at school? Are there any mums you chat to in the playground? I know it is really, really daunting but is there any way you can chat to one of them and tell them you have no local family to look after the dc? You may be surprised at how willing to help people will be.

Part time help is going to be difficult to coordinate. I honestly don't know anybody with a nanny so accept I will need to look into it but travelling here for an hour or two a day isn't a lot.

I don't really know any other mums.

Also, someone working part time isn't going to help with when I go into labour.

OP, where are you? If nearby, I may be able to help out - I've got Childcare experience and a 17 week old DD of my own so little babies aren't an alien concept to me.

Are there any local childminders with odd spaces? I've had a neighbours baby for a couple of hours when my other mindees was at nursery so he slotted in nicely to those couple of hours while she slept / had a break.

Quite a big ask, I think. I was an au pair for a family with an 8 year old, a 4 year old and a newborn baby. I would either have charge of the older ones or the baby at any time but never all 3 at once.

Depends. If an au pair has younger siblings or a close family with young babies, she might be perfectly OK with it.

I wouldn't be asking her to have all three at once :)

That's kind of you Oh - on the English side of the England/Wales border :)

But even full time an au pair or nanny wouldn't be working 24/7 unless you paid them for that so neither would be around if you went into labour out of there allotted hours. Both au pairs and nannies even live in have fixed hours. An au pair is max 25 hrs a week

So which of the children do you want to have looked after by this au pair?

I realise that art, but realistically, my options are really limited and obviously i am worried about this.

I was hoping to have a home birth and explain the situation to an au pair and that I may need her to be there in an emergency. I don't really know, though!

I'm only going to be giving birth once.