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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable to ask an au pair to have two under twos for an hour or two alone?

143 replies

Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 14:42

I have two children, one of whom is only one in a couple of weeks. I am expecting a third baby this july. I have recently split with my husband and its all a bit confused and confusing but essentially those are the salient details.

The other detail is that I have NO local - or non-local for that matter - help or support. My baby is a screamer (teeth Sad) and some days I want to join in the screaming myself!

I was wondering about getting an au pair to help with the home/children and the primary reason is this: sometimes I don't want the children. Just for an hour or so a day, to walk or to get some shopping or whatever - just to BREATHE!

Various replies on the relevant board indicate it definitely is or may not be. What is it? I would pay above the going rate by the way :)

Please, please, don't indicate that I am hopeless / bringing up two babies alone with no support is impossible / this could happen and you haven't planned for it etc. I know it is AIBU but it just makes me think I am rubbish and can't cope without DH and I just can't afford to be in that mindset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 19:10

Thank you.

I really would hope not to have to involve ss Shock

OP posts:
Cantdecideondinner · 29/03/2015 19:31

If you have an aupair you trust then it's fine for a short amount of time but make sure she's totally comfortable with it and build it up slowly.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 20:05

Thank you :)

OP posts:
MaryBerrysLostCherry · 29/03/2015 20:25

I went au pairing over summers from 16 to end of uni. By that point I could deal with a lot. If you are a decent employer (and you sound really lovely) and pay upper end for an au pair I think you will find someone appropriate. Good luck.

sosix · 29/03/2015 20:47

For the birth, could you use a doula and ask if it would be ok if if she stayed with the dcs if you need to transfer? This is what I did, worked well.

Tholeonagain · 29/03/2015 20:47

It sounds like you have had to be really strong and have done really well. Well done. I don't think what you are suggesting would be unreasonable for a good au pair, particularly if one baby was asleep & as long as you are not far away & have your phone to hand. I hope you feel able to gradually trust others enough to get some real life support soon, it sounds like you really need it & I would love to be supportive if you were a fellow school gate mum. And I am dead nosy too but I promise I wouldn't gossip about something like you are suggesting.

sosix · 29/03/2015 20:54

Do not ask ss help. Bloody hell you could be opening a can of worms.

WildFlowersAttractBees · 29/03/2015 20:55

A doula could help with the birth/amusing children etc.

Is their a local childminder you could sign up with for a few hours over a few days?

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 21:05

I dont know - I doubt a childminder would take a new baby.

Thanks :)

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 29/03/2015 21:17

Coming to this thread late but it's a subject close to my heart as I have three year old twins and no family around (excepting DH, who is a shadow of the man he was three years ago Grin).

I think experience is the key, and I wonder whether a childminder might be an option for that reason? Especially as you're looking for respite rather than childcare for work and you can be flexible on hours. On the other hand, it would be really good to have someone there in the evening for bath time. There has been no point over the last 3 years that I've enjoyed doing solo bath time...

How's the older baby sleeping, that's the other thing. Ideally you want them to nap at the same time so I'm guessing DC2 will be napping once a day by the time DC3 arrives - you want to try and get both of them into a routine where they can have the afternoon nap at the same time. Assuming DC3 will be in a 3 nap routine (up at 7, down at 9, up at 10, down at 1, up at 2-3, down at 4 - which probably means DC3 having morning and afternoon naps on the way back fromDC1's school run) you could put DC2 down for the nap at 1 as well and get your feet up for a little while. I had my DTs napping at the same time from 14 weeks on, people on Mumsnet have scoffed but it's a great way of getting some recovery time.

toomuchtooold · 29/03/2015 21:19

OP, my neighbour is a childminder and took a baby at 4 months. I realise that is a LONG 16 weeks to get through though... longest in my life, that's for sure...

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 21:43

Thanks :) I think it's primarily the birth and immediately afterwards I'll need most support with. DD will only be 15 months when DC3 arrives which is scary!

OP posts:
WayfaringStranger · 29/03/2015 22:02

Honestly, I don't think an au pair is appropriate but I've had some bad experiences. That said, I've had good experiences too but I am wary.

When I was in my late teens, I was a mother's help for several families. It sounds like this is what you need. Can you ask around? None of these families were single parent families, just mums needing some help during tea time and bed time because the dads worked busy jobs. What I'm saying is that you don't need to share your life story, just tell the truth; you're a busy parent with one pair of hands! I imagine your ex would be working during the day when you'd need the help anyway.

WildFlowersAttractBees · 29/03/2015 22:08

If I was in your position I would pop an ad in the local newspaper looking for a 'mothers help'. Ideally a mother/grandmother that could help with general housework, light cooking, childcare, taking kids for walks, small errands etc.

You are doing a great job and forward planning, be proud of yourself.

momtothree · 29/03/2015 22:09

Hi our local collage looks for work experience for their students - think one day a week for 12 weeks - worth looking at - you could pop upstairs!

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 22:09

But how would I know I could trust them? I mean, they would be gaining access to my home, children - everything precious to me.

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 29/03/2015 22:13

So would an au pair. You could always ask for references.

momtothree · 29/03/2015 22:14

16 Year old here to learn english or one doing a childcare course as a career .... usually 2nd year

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 22:14

Of course, but the risks aren't quite as marked in many ways though not impossible.

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 29/03/2015 22:15

I don't follow your reasoning at all, sorry.

WildFlowersAttractBees · 29/03/2015 22:15

A disclosure check is a good option.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 29/03/2015 22:19

Janine - because an au pair would be living with you, not in and out so much. I guess an opportunist would see a single woman with young children as being easy prey in many ways while an au pair is generally wanting to learn a language and so on.

It makes sense in my exhausted head! :)

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 29/03/2015 22:21

Ok.

I think the way you think about other people is quite negative though. Gossips, opportunists etc. Maybe taking people as you find them and not prejudging them might be an idea?

poocatcherchampion · 29/03/2015 22:23

I think you need a mothers help too and suggest advertising in your nearest fe college.I wish I could help buy I'm probably too far away in Worcestershire.

WayfaringStranger · 29/03/2015 22:30

I would rather have a mother's help coming in and out than someone else living with me but that's just me. I am very private about family time.