Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to mask my disappointment better?

148 replies

Scuttlingherbert · 27/03/2015 23:45

First post.
My boyfriend and I planned to spend the Easter weekend visiting my parents in the Lake District. We live in London.
The plan was for him to come back on the Sunday on the train whilst I stay up there, so he doesn't miss a football match. He's a season ticket holder for the team he supports and goes to every home game.

However, he's looked at train times tonight and it's not feasible for him to come back on Sunday due to replacement bus services and the cost of train tickets.

He gave me 3 options:
A) he doesn't come to the Lake District
B) he does come and misses the football
C) he comes with me to the Lakes, on Sat he goes to Bolton to see his sister and gets back in time for Sunday

I thought C) was the worst of both worlds. I asked how much he'd mind missing the football and he made it clear he would. I said it's probably best to do A) then.
He kept saying 'are you sure? Are you positive?' And I said 'I don't know - I've only had a minute to think about it but it seems like it might be best.'

He then got angry with me for 'not masking my disappointment'. I didn't say anything critical or negative at all about him not coming, but I didn't go out of my way to reassure him I don't mind. I probably looked disappointed.
He said 'you're so black and white, it must be so easy in your world' and went on about how rude it is not to disguise your feelings in some situations. He said I made it clear what a massive disappointment he is, even though all I did was look disappointed and not agree I was positive it was the best option.

Was I being unreasonable not to mask my feelings?

OP posts:
LadyGregory · 27/03/2015 23:57

I don't understand the logic of option C - it seems to mean he misses the match anyway, but 'punishes' you for that by departing to see his sister in the middle of your weekend away? Or do you mean he goes to Bolton and back home in time for the match, which is possible from Bolton but not the Lake District?

He sounds like an idiot, frankly. If he hates visiting your parents, he should say so, not give you 'options' like a bloody menu, try to manipulate you into choosing A, and berate you for not beaming widely to conceal the fact that you wanted to spend Easter with him...?

SpearmintLino · 28/03/2015 00:02

He wanted you to choose A, as he's too weak to admit he doesn't want to go to the Lakes with you.

He sounds really mean.

DoJo · 28/03/2015 00:03

So he wanted you to give him permission to do whatever he wanted without even acknowledging that it wasn't the weekend you had envisaged? It sounds like he wants to have things his way, and if you're not falling over yourself for him to do that, then he will make you feel bad for not wanting to sacrifice your weekend with him so that he can go to the football.

He said I made it clear what a massive disappointment he is

REALLY? You were disappointed that you wouldn't be spending the weekend together as planned, and he has made out like you are criticising him, even though you were the one who wanted to spend the weekend together, and he is the one who has decided he would like to do something else rather than spend time with you? He sounds like a bit of a twat to be honest - I hope he's just having a moment and is normally lovely!

TendonQueen · 28/03/2015 00:07

Ask him why he thinks you should 'mask your disappointment' and when he says (at a guess) it's rude, inconsiderate etc, say 'and what do you think it is to change your plans and ditch something you've agreed to even though it bothers someone else?'

Are you very invested in this relationship? It sounds like one where football will always be prioritised and that could get wearing.

pillowaddict · 28/03/2015 00:15

Oh dear. He sounds awful selfish. Even if he preferred not to go to your parents he should at least be apologetic about missing it rather than taking his feelings of guilt out on you at the fact he would rather not be there. Obviously you were supposed to tell him to do his own thing and be delighted for him, rather than have an opinion.

Original poster
Scuttlingherbert · 28/03/2015 00:17

Ladygregory - you're right, the logic of C) is a bit puzzling but apparently he could get there in time from Bolton.

To be honest, I don't usually mind the football; they're such a shit team I find it endearing how much he supports them, and have gone to some games myself. The Easter business is a bit crap though.

What I'm bothered by more is him not allowing me to express my disappointment - feels a bit controlling.

OP posts:
GinBunny · 28/03/2015 00:19

Oh God my ex was a football fanatic and it was priority over everything, 10 years on and I still can't stand the sound of MOTD.

Do you really want to be with someone who puts football before you and your parents? One game is more important? And then has a go at you for being disappointed because you were looking forward to a nice weekend away?

Think about it OP. It doesn't sound like a great future does it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/03/2015 00:20

He wants a relationship where you put his feelings ahead of yours and lie about it. Not healthy.

You should be able to have the feelings you have. He should be able to make grown up decisions and face the consequences. Unless he's 17, he's a bit immature.

squoosh · 28/03/2015 00:20

Only selfish idiots want people to mask their disappointment. It facilitates their selfish idiotry without any of that pesky thinking about the other person's feelings getting on the way.

prawnballs · 28/03/2015 00:21

Is c) not the best of both worlds as he comes to the lake district with you then sees hus sister then gets home for the footie - or am I not grasping this?

GatoradeMeBitch · 28/03/2015 00:23

He sounds like a massive disappointment to me OP Grin Tell him I agree!

VanitasVanitatum · 28/03/2015 00:24

Oh god what a douche, he'd miss a whole weekend with you for one match? I don't normally say this but ditch him now; you're never going to come first and he will blame you for his poor decisions and inability to put you first.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 28/03/2015 00:30

Why is C worse than A or B?

Original poster
Scuttlingherbert · 28/03/2015 00:31

Prawnballs - I see what you mean. I just thought, it will take at least 6 hours to drive up there and we'll get there late Friday afternoon. He'd have to leave Saturday afternoon so we would only have about 24 hours max and it would limit how we could spend Sat. It would be good for him to see his sister though. Maybe it is a better option than I thought.

OP posts:
viva100 · 28/03/2015 00:33

Dump. I can't imagine spending the next 20 years with someone who can't go away for a weekend bc of a lame football game. And it's not endearing for someone to be so invested in a small local football team unless they play in it. He sounds pathetic and immature. Oh, and you should mask your feelings of disappointment? Knob.

JeanSeberg · 28/03/2015 00:34

It's a 4 day weekend. You get two days with him and two days with your parents.

What am I missing here?

NeedABumChange · 28/03/2015 00:35

Well you obviously wanted him to choose B but he didn't, which is fair I think most people would rather do something they want to do instead of visit in-laws. But in your mind he has chosen football over you. I'd probs have reacted the same as you, with clear disappointment over him choosing A.

Original poster
Scuttlingherbert · 28/03/2015 00:45

Thanks for all your replies.

Just to try to explain it better, in a way the football thing is less relevant than him telling me I should disguise my feelings. I wouldn't have minded it so much if he'd said things like "I'm sorry and appreciate you understand about the football" instead of criticising me for looking disappointed he won't be there. I'd get his point if I'd given him a hard time about it but I didn't, but he wanted me to pretend I wasn't disappointed.

OP posts:
reni1 · 28/03/2015 00:52

He wants you to pretend you are not disappointed? I would offer him that if he in return would pretend to be a grown up who understands people are more important than a random game. This is not the world cup final.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/03/2015 00:53

He's asking you to lie. Does he get that?

daisychain01 · 28/03/2015 05:28

Sounds like he is guilt-tripping you to divert the attention away from him screwing up the weekend just for a football match.

He's behaving like a toddler, and needs to be ignored until he can grow up.

Elllimam · 28/03/2015 05:36

Oh dear he sounds a bit of a guilt merchant. Essentially he has got his own way but he still isn't happy because you aren't dancing for joy for him.

Costacoffeeplease · 28/03/2015 05:40

Agree with so many pp, I couldn't bear to be with someone so over-invested in football, it would put me right off them in the first place - then to change plans and be annoyed that you showed your disappointment? Is he 12? Bin him and find a grown adult, you could do much much better

Yarp · 28/03/2015 05:50

I would worry about his choice of words here.

"Massive disappointment" - he's putting you in the position of a parent.

He sounds like he can't take responsibility for his decisions.

Yarp · 28/03/2015 05:50

And yes. I have contact with people for whom football supersedes other stuff, and it puts me off too