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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to mask my disappointment better?

148 replies

Scuttlingherbert · 27/03/2015 23:45

First post.
My boyfriend and I planned to spend the Easter weekend visiting my parents in the Lake District. We live in London.
The plan was for him to come back on the Sunday on the train whilst I stay up there, so he doesn't miss a football match. He's a season ticket holder for the team he supports and goes to every home game.

However, he's looked at train times tonight and it's not feasible for him to come back on Sunday due to replacement bus services and the cost of train tickets.

He gave me 3 options:
A) he doesn't come to the Lake District
B) he does come and misses the football
C) he comes with me to the Lakes, on Sat he goes to Bolton to see his sister and gets back in time for Sunday

I thought C) was the worst of both worlds. I asked how much he'd mind missing the football and he made it clear he would. I said it's probably best to do A) then.
He kept saying 'are you sure? Are you positive?' And I said 'I don't know - I've only had a minute to think about it but it seems like it might be best.'

He then got angry with me for 'not masking my disappointment'. I didn't say anything critical or negative at all about him not coming, but I didn't go out of my way to reassure him I don't mind. I probably looked disappointed.
He said 'you're so black and white, it must be so easy in your world' and went on about how rude it is not to disguise your feelings in some situations. He said I made it clear what a massive disappointment he is, even though all I did was look disappointed and not agree I was positive it was the best option.

Was I being unreasonable not to mask my feelings?

OP posts:
TeddyBee · 28/03/2015 12:56

LTB. Now before it's too late. In twenty years you could be beating him to death with a statue of his favourite footballer screaming 'I am disappointed'.

Trumpity · 28/03/2015 12:56

Oh, and get rid x

DoJo · 28/03/2015 12:59

Could you maybe tell him not to come with you to the Lakes, but instead use the time to pack his stuff and sling his hook? He will grind you down until you can't trust your own thoughts and feelings any more - you're already questioning yourself and your judgement, and that's not going to get better.

I think it was someone on here who posted an analogy about relationships being like a cup of really nice coffee. Even if is was the most delicious beans, at perfect temperature and with any accessories you could want, you still wouldn't drink it if someone had stirred a spoonful of dog shit into it would you? A relationship that is 80 or even 90 per cent good, but where the rest is utter shit simply isn't worth having.

magoria · 28/03/2015 12:59

I used to listen to next door arguing and her crying as he left her with 3 kids every weekend to go off to football. His argument was she knew what it was like before they had the kids.

His infrequent slips have started to escalate.

You have to hide your feelings.

You have to put up with verbal abuse and getting in your face and if you are quiet after that is wrong.

He gets to put a game over a long arranged visit to your family.

Make sure you don't get pregnant and reconsider if this is what you want in a relationship.

SingingSoftly · 28/03/2015 13:00

The relief will grow when you get rid of him; the sadness will fade.

dreamingbohemian · 28/03/2015 13:12

Jesus Christ lady, just bin him

Tell him you've changed your mind and he can stay home next weekend

Have that long talk with your mum

You would be an absolute fool (sorry) to stay in this relationship and it sounds like you know it

Btw you sound lovely and in my experience 'oversensitive' is a word mostly used by bullies when you have totally normal reactions to their arsiness

squoosh · 28/03/2015 13:17

Dump him while you can just walk away with a 'see ya pal'.

cosmicglittergirl · 28/03/2015 13:20

Just read your update, in no way are those things he says to you acceptable. Your partner should never verbally abuse you and the emotional manipulation you've described will only get worse. So now you're more important than a game? That sounds like a way to twist the original argument back in his favour; you're meant to be grateful to him reconsidering? I would be seriously considering him as a life partner if he was my DP, your partner should respect you and all that head fucking guff about your exes is not respectful, he's creating a stick with which to beat you at his convenience.
Rant over.
Hope it works out for you, there are many, many lovely men out there, who you are describing is not one of them.

Pipbin · 28/03/2015 13:25

I agree with others. Assuming you don't have children or bought a house together then walk away while you can.

maliaki · 28/03/2015 13:41

The longer you leave it to end a relationship that you know is doomed anyway, the harder it will be. Do you want to get to the point where you live with this man? Marry him? Have DCs? Imagine his attitude in all those scenarios and ask yourself if you want it.

Do you really want to waste time in this relationship, with someone who acts this way?

Inertia · 28/03/2015 13:48

I was going to say that he should have hidden his disappointment about missing the football match a bit better, instead of whining about it and offering hugely impractical solutions.

However, in light of your later posts, I wouldn't even bother. He's being verbally abusive and physically intimidating - and this is as good as it'll ever be. Just get rid of him, and have a peaceful weekend with your family.

Nanny0gg · 28/03/2015 13:54

You really don't need to ask your mum do you?

Suggest he stays at home and goes to football and you go and see your parents.

Do you live together?

DustBunnyFarmer · 28/03/2015 14:01

Having read your update, he is clearly emotionally abusing you and he also seems to be escalating, if his outbursts are becoming more frequent. You are worth so much more. Please don't settle for this. By all means, talk to your Mum to gain support, but you already know what needs to be done.

AuntieDee · 28/03/2015 14:14

My ex was late for his own mother's 60th birthday party because of a damned football match. Any man that would put football before anything else is an arse....

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/03/2015 14:18

He wanted to cause an argument so he could get out of going and go to he footie.

Original poster
Scuttlingherbert · 28/03/2015 14:19

Yes, we do live together, and as renting in London is a nightmare, it will probably be a bit tricky if we do split up. Our contract doesn't end til October. We do have a spare room though.

I completely agree with everyone
and would say the same to someone else. It's just horrible because I love him so much and sometimes it's so good and he's lovely to me. Sometimes he's like a vulnerable, forlorn boy telling me how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me.

I liked the coffee with dogshit in analogy though.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 28/03/2015 14:23

Read your update. It's the end of the line, I'm afraid, if he has decided you are a 'difficult person' at the root of all his dissatisfaction with life. Do not subscribe to this for a second. He is responsible for his own moods and blaming you is a very bad sign. Leave for the weekend and when you come back say 'I've been thinking and as you find me so difficult to deal with it's clear that we aren't suited for each other and we need to end things'. Honestly, the relief will only grow with time - though I wouldn't be surprised if he then backtracked and said 'well, I can cope as long as you..' but don't fall for that either.

OddFodd · 28/03/2015 14:25

I'd have a look at your contract and you could also speak to your landlord to see if you could find some tenants whether they'd be willing to break the terms of the contract.

I know others posters have already said this but he's known about the game on Sunday since the start of the season. So this whole row this weekend is manufactured to wrongfoot you. That's an odious thing to do. He's emotionally abusing you and it's getting worse.

Please dump him know before your self-esteem is so eroded that you don't have the confidence to do it.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 28/03/2015 14:49

So -
He plays mind games (the a,b,c list - you were never going to win that one - A - Oversensitive - you made him feel bad, B- Selfish - you make him miss his match, C- Inconsiderate - have him running all over the country and he still misses his match)

He wants you to put a mask on and never expresses your feelings.
He uses your old relationships as a weapon to put you down.
He shouts and points in your face.
He uses you as an emotional pinch bag for all his other stresses.
the anger episodes are getting more frequent the longer you are in the relationship.

I think you are starting to see a glimpse of the real man, the the fake one you've been dating. It will only get worse.

FryOneFatManic · 28/03/2015 15:00

He keeps saying I'm the most difficult person he's ever met. It doesn't sound right but I asked a few friends, who would tell me straight, and they each literally laughed out loud at the suggestion.

OP, I seriously doubt you're oversensitive or difficult. That's just crap that your OH is coming out with to justify his behaviour. In this case, I'd listen to your friends. He's trying to grind you down.

championnibbler · 28/03/2015 15:01

please end this relationship.
he's abusive.
i reckon he may hit you at some point in the future. get out now.

MehsMum · 28/03/2015 15:25

I feel like he's taken very real flaws I have (like being oversensitive)
Accusing the upset party of being 'oversensitive' is a way of deflecting the blame from someone else's horrible behaviour: the last person who told me I was being oversensitive (which I can be, a bit) was trying to defend his sister who had been (now that I look back on it) a complete, unmitigated bitch to me. If somebody is horrible to you and you are upset, you are not oversensitive, you are human.

Do your friends find you 'oversensitive'? If not, then you're aren't. If you are, a bit, you might be happier with someone more thoughtful and considerate than this clod manchild.

Also, the thing that leapt out of your opening post was that HE is allowed to express his feelings, have everything rearranged around his disappointment, but you aren't even allowed to show yours. One rule for him and one rule for you...

And being a shit about your boyfriend who died is just downright nasty.

sonjadog · 28/03/2015 15:28

I cut off all contact with a man about a month ago who treated me much like your boyfriend sounds he is treating you. He could also be lovely and it was hard. I am so glad to be rid though. He also started after about a year and a half commenting on how difficult I was and I was starting to try to jump through hope to try and please him. Fortunately I caught myself on before I did that much.

This guy is not a good guy for you. Get rid. I would say do it and then go see your mum to be cheered up. It will hurt for a little while, but it won't be long before you begin to be glad you don't have to listen to him running you down all the time.

justmyview · 28/03/2015 15:36

Your last post has lots of red flags for me -

Most people who are emotionally abusive / controlling can also be charming / good company. That's no coincidence. If they were consistently abusive, no one would get involved with them in the first place. Once you've been sucked in, they then decide how to behave, often being pretty mean and then lovely afterwards, to keep you holding on to the idea that the relationship is worth saving

A friend of mine said that her partner was the best partner she had ever had and also the worst. it was exhausting for her.

Yarp · 28/03/2015 17:39

Me too.

He can't deal with his own or other's feeling constructively.

Embarking on life with a "vulnerable boy" is a massive mistake. If you wish to parent, then find a man to parent with, and parent your child together in a healthy environment. You can't parent him.

Please leave him before you get more embroiled.