Not to mask my disappointment better?

[Scuttlingherbert]

First post.
My boyfriend and I planned to spend the Easter weekend visiting my parents in the Lake District. We live in London.
The plan was for him to come back on the Sunday on the train whilst I stay up there, so he doesn't miss a football match. He's a season ticket holder for the team he supports and goes to every home game.

However, he's looked at train times tonight and it's not feasible for him to come back on Sunday due to replacement bus services and the cost of train tickets.

He gave me 3 options:
A) he doesn't come to the Lake District
B) he does come and misses the football
C) he comes with me to the Lakes, on Sat he goes to Bolton to see his sister and gets back in time for Sunday

I thought C) was the worst of both worlds. I asked how much he'd mind missing the football and he made it clear he would. I said it's probably best to do A) then.
He kept saying 'are you sure? Are you positive?' And I said 'I don't know - I've only had a minute to think about it but it seems like it might be best.'

He then got angry with me for 'not masking my disappointment'. I didn't say anything critical or negative at all about him not coming, but I didn't go out of my way to reassure him I don't mind. I probably looked disappointed.
He said 'you're so black and white, it must be so easy in your world' and went on about how rude it is not to disguise your feelings in some situations. He said I made it clear what a massive disappointment he is, even though all I did was look disappointed and not agree I was positive it was the best option.

Was I being unreasonable not to mask my feelings?

he sounds like an abusive, controlling knob who has managed to get you right where he wants him - confused and doubting yourself. He is eroding your self confidence. Get rid fast!

Sorry for the sporting analogy but if I were you, I'd 'kick him into touch' (based on the red-flags you mentioned) - Not only is he a toddler, but he's also a tedious arse, flip-flopping between being nice and hideous.

The minute you're at the stage where you can't predict how the person is going to react, that's the time to bale out.

Oh, sorry, add manipulative to the above list.

Sometimes he's like a vulnerable, forlorn boy telling me how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me.

That just made it a million times worse for me. At least if someone is an arse constantly then you just don't have anything to do with him but all this emotional manipulation and woe is me bollocks is designed to make you feel like the bad one so you don't leave.

While it would be interesting to see how he behaved with your parents, it's not worth the hassle. You can do so much better.

He's wearing you down OP. And the Jekyl and Hyde thing? He is Hyde, the Jekyl is the act to manipulate those around him, the little boy lost thing is all how he has twisted the world around his finger to this point in his life. Run.

He's being horrible to you and that's not the way it should be.

Dump him and ask him to leave. Speak to your landlord and see if they will allow you to advertise for a flat mate for the rest of the rental agreement.

Do not stay with a bastard because of the house situation.

I actually think you should have just been open and honest from the beginning and said you wanted him to come for the whole trip. Telling him not to come at all but then pulling a face over it makes me actually see where he is coming from. Why say one thing when you mean another? Wheres the sense?

Ultimately it's his decision what he does. I think the right tging to do would have been to say that yes, you'd rather he come with you but you're hurt that he didn't choose that course of action in the first place.

The response youve had on here doesnt surprise me but I dont agree with him being held up as some kind of villain. He doesnt sound controlling to be honest. How many times do we see women on here being told to let their partner go off and see their in laws alone while they do something theyd rather be doing instead?

woollytights
I couldn't disagree more. This telling the OP how her previous boyfriends felt about her is madness and cruelty. Did he know them?

Telling her that she is the most difficult person he's ever met and then telling her he loves her?

Be careful OP, does he try to separate you from friends and family?

I apologise, I hadn't seen the update.

I do still think that as strangers hearing only one side of this story, all you're going to find here OP is echoes of your own thoughts.

I still don't think he sounds abusive or controlling, but he does sound extremely unpleasant to be around when he's angry as I suspect many of us are. You need to decide whether that's something you can live with or not as he is unlikely to change.

him calling me horrible names, getting angry and intimidating me by pointing right in my face and shouting at me.

Woollytights what part of this isn't abusive?

You don't need two sides of a story when one side is that someone who is supposed to love you, to care about you and to be a person you face life's challenges with, is calling you names and intimidating you.

It's a football match FGS, you can see where his priorities lie .

Aside from all the serious stuff above, the Lakes are beautiful this time of year and your boyfriend is an idiot if he decides to stay home.

Red flags.

The most difficult person he's ever met - meaning- you are lucky to have him as you are unbearable, dump him and you will never meet anyone.

Making you choose - set you up to fail. Whichever choice you made would be wrong. If you had said ' no dear you stay and watch the football' in an upbeat way with a smile and a hug, he would have been angry that you were not bothered about him not coming.

Shouting in your face. Upsetting you over you deceased boyfriend - no doubt criticising you for being upset about it.

Does he ever talk about your friends in a negative way? Family?

Dump him. You need to find a way to leave the flat, he will worm his way back if you break up and don't leave. This nasty man is the true him, the fake man is dwindling (18 months is a long time to keep up the charade). You don't want nasty man and 2 kids. Walking on eggshells, nervous when the front door opens and you don't know if Jekyll or Hyde is home.

There are some lovely men out there, staying with angry loser is stopping you meeting a good one.

Tell the pathetic test to Fuck off and find yourself a real man, :)

Oh fgs. In laws versus football. No surprise there

Leave him. He won't change. He is trying to make you feel like you have no choice as you would be too difficult for anyone else. You seem very level headed, find a grown up and start new.

Update:
We did break up this afternoon. I was planning to muddle through for a little while longer as my head had made the decision but my heart hadn't caught up. However, we had a good talk about our relationship and he said some the things I wanted to hear but somehow, what he said still had a confrontational and blaming edge. He apologised for scaring me but also said 'I've been shouted at, it's not that bad' and 'I wouldn't find it that hurtful if you called me a dick or twat' (names he recently called me). He kept talking about how I need to change too (of course there are things I could've handled better but the emphasis on me changing too made it seem like he wasn't taking that much responsibility).

I remembered someone on here had said something like "if he cries to you, saying he can change..." and I thought 'God, he's not even doing that, he's hectoring me and saying more about how I need to change.' It just didn't seem good enough.
I was saying I had serious concerns and he kept saying "if you're going to break up with me, can you just do it" so it sort of forced my hand.

I feel so sad and so sorry for him, and keep remembering brilliant times we had and feeling heartbroken, but I think it's the right thing.

Hi Scuttling. I'm still up (hate these clock changes). The closing line of your post shows how sad you are about this situation, but you have done a really good thing for YOU. His reaction to your conversation and his attempts to push it back onto you show that. Well done on putting your legitimate need to be treated well and with mutual respect first. Think of it as a first step towards a much happier future. You come across like a grounded, thoughtful person. I am sure you will find someone who is kind and respectful in due course, but in the meantime recognise what a positive step you have taken. Gentle hugs and some for good measure.

Well done - you have so obviously done the right thing if that was his response! Someone who even wants to be dumped on their own terms will probably never change and his dismissal of all your concerns in favour of getting his digs in just proves that you deserve better!

And if it all gets too much, ponder on the coffee with dog shit analogy. You honestly deserve a lovely poo-free brew in life.

Ah well done!

Well done. But also hugs because even a well deserved break up hurts. Can you get up to Parents early and be looked after?