Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Not to mask my disappointment better?

148 replies

Scuttlingherbert · 27/03/2015 23:45

First post.
My boyfriend and I planned to spend the Easter weekend visiting my parents in the Lake District. We live in London.
The plan was for him to come back on the Sunday on the train whilst I stay up there, so he doesn't miss a football match. He's a season ticket holder for the team he supports and goes to every home game.

However, he's looked at train times tonight and it's not feasible for him to come back on Sunday due to replacement bus services and the cost of train tickets.

He gave me 3 options:
A) he doesn't come to the Lake District
B) he does come and misses the football
C) he comes with me to the Lakes, on Sat he goes to Bolton to see his sister and gets back in time for Sunday

I thought C) was the worst of both worlds. I asked how much he'd mind missing the football and he made it clear he would. I said it's probably best to do A) then.
He kept saying 'are you sure? Are you positive?' And I said 'I don't know - I've only had a minute to think about it but it seems like it might be best.'

He then got angry with me for 'not masking my disappointment'. I didn't say anything critical or negative at all about him not coming, but I didn't go out of my way to reassure him I don't mind. I probably looked disappointed.
He said 'you're so black and white, it must be so easy in your world' and went on about how rude it is not to disguise your feelings in some situations. He said I made it clear what a massive disappointment he is, even though all I did was look disappointed and not agree I was positive it was the best option.

Was I being unreasonable not to mask my feelings?

OP posts:

Yarp · 28/03/2015 05:53

In adult relationships we should be able to have, and voice negative emotions, talk about it, then move on. I'd certainly

I'd certainly voice my negative emotions at him telling me to cover my emotions up!

Sorry for the 3 posts. This has got my goat . How long have you been with him?

CharlesRyder · 28/03/2015 06:31

Lord, it's only to WATCH at match?? I assumed he was playing in it and would therefore be letting his team down if he went away- I could be understanding about that.

Does he get on with your parents or is a weekend away with them actually a bit painful for him?

He does sound a bit like a man-child. How old is he?

itosh · 28/03/2015 06:40

What an arse. He doesn't haveeee to come to Lake District and we know he doesn't especially want to but I also believe he should. It is only missing one game (although I know he won't see it like that)

I would say this to my DP. Luckily he isn't too into football.

FishWithABicycle · 28/03/2015 06:45

What a git. You're right, it's not so much about his selfishness being willing to spoil the planned weekend away, as his petulant self-centredness about your feelings now. This is a man who genuinely thinks that your emotions are less valid than his, and that you should hide it from him when you are sad because of something he has done or is going to do, to protect him from feeling any kind of shame about his selfishness.

Dump him. Go and have a nice weekend with your parents. You are better off without this one. There will be someone else in time.

CaspoFungin · 28/03/2015 06:49

Yes he sounds like a total twit.

You ARE disappointed he's going to the football so why are you not allowed to express that? He should be apologising and yes being glad you didn't make a fuss about it!

It sounds like he's trying to make you the bad guy when it's him in the wrong.

londonrach · 28/03/2015 06:51

Can he watch the game in tv? Sounds a very strange set up. Why is he trying to control your feelings.

Didiusfalco · 28/03/2015 07:09

That sounds pretty manipulative OP. Unless this is very out of character for him i would think carefully, ive been in a relationship where i gradually ended up modifyingy behaviour and its very unhealthy/bad for self esteem to start to feel your feelings are invalid. You need to nip this is the bud, as you rightly identify it is controlling.

Jennifersrabbit · 28/03/2015 07:24

The 'are you sure? Are you positive?' was what my Latin textbook called 'a question expecting the answer yes'. The Romans had a special word for it

However, I would suggest you actually need to be more assertive about your disappointment, not mask it, if you're going to sort this one out in the longer term.

You don't in general mind the football. Fine. Now, do you mind that it appears that important, pre planned events will always be trumped by the football? If you do, say so now and clearly because you and he need to base this relationship on a shared understanding. Not on you 'masking your disappointment' and building up a seething head of resentment while he buggers off to every football match going for the next ten years.

I'm sure you can sort this out between you, but not by you putting up and shutting up.

MythicalKings · 28/03/2015 07:25

Diddums is going to feel a bit guilty now. Time he grew up.

kittycatz · 28/03/2015 07:31

How ridiculous - he gave you a list of three options to pick but actually there was only one answer which was correct ie. B he stays at home.
Then he complains that you looked disappointed. You had every right to be disappointed and to express that disappointment. He would have something else to say if you couldn't care less whether he went to the Lake District with you or not.
Think carefully about this one. You will always take second place to the bloody football. You won't be able to plan weekends away if there is a football match on. What a nightmare. I couldn't stand that. And that you aren't allowed to be disappointed about this weekend means that you will never be able to say anything about how you feel about his constant football watching.
Go to the Lake District and enjoy your weekend with your parents and then think carefully about whether the relationship has a future.

AlternativeTentacles · 28/03/2015 07:32

Ok. An adult that cannot miss watching a football match without guilt tripping his partner into making her feel bad for not wanting him to miss watching a football match is not an adult.

Manchild. Get rid now before you plan your kids to all be born outside of the football season and end up spending all days when there are games alone as he will start to see away matches as 'time out from the family'.

MangoBiscuit · 28/03/2015 07:32

Why should you mask your disappointment? Doesn't sound like he tried to mask his at the prospect of missing one football match. Agree with lots of PP, he's not sounding like a catch!

Cleetus · 28/03/2015 07:33

He sounds very strange.
He makes it clear he wants to change the plans for the weekend, letting you down.
Instead of saying that he wants to let you down, he forces you to make the choice.
You choose the option that you don't want (because, you know, you'd prefer to see your parents as planned, but you know what he wants you to say).
He then gets cross at you for not having a better poker face??
What's wrong with him?

GladysTheGolem · 28/03/2015 07:38

Surely as such a big fan he would've realised it was a clash with you going away when fixtures were announced last year?

Funny that it's taken until the weekend before he sprung this on you.

Has he expressed an interest in seeing his sister before hand? Any reason you can't come along to see her?

Has he missed home games before? For you or just on his terms?
Is the team Charlton? They're really crap

Satsumafairy · 28/03/2015 07:41

Sorry op but he sounds like a selfish git. He can't be bothered to actually consider your feelings and just wants to do what he wants. I honestly would find someone like that very difficult to be with. He needs to grow up.

I used to have boyfriend who was obsessed with football and cricket (so ALL day Saturday or Sunday was taken up every single week). When I was considering moving to his home town I asked him if he would consider not doing that some weekends, he looked aghast and said "no way". It says a lot about someone's priorities. I dumped him soon after.

ohlittlepea · 28/03/2015 07:44

LTB :) xx

GladysTheGolem · 28/03/2015 07:45

Just RTFT and realised it was planned all along.
Are your parents aware he doesn't want to stay the whole weekend?

SolomanDaisy · 28/03/2015 07:46

He is only saying this because he knows he is being a selfish twat and he wants to deflect onto you. So not only does he want you to go along with his selfish plan, you have to make him feel better about being selfish.

SavoyCabbage · 28/03/2015 07:46

What's the actual situation with the trains on the Sunday? Can't he get a coach or hire a car?

Sparkletastic · 28/03/2015 07:49

His guilt conscience and inability to take responsibility for his own actions have made him turn on you rather than act in a conciliatory way. How invested are you in this relationship? Do you live together? I'd visit your parents and catch up with friends over Easter without him and see how you feel after some time apart.

Hamburgersoup · 28/03/2015 07:50

I would guess that he doesn't wan to spend a weekend with your parents. Has he low self esteem and fears to be judged as not good enough by your parents? Or maybe he is not that committed and doesn't want to get involved with your family? That's why he wants to get away to his sisters.
Either way, time to dig deeper and see if this relationships is for you.

thingsarelookingup · 28/03/2015 07:54

Would he have masked his feelings if you chose option B?

DustBunnyFarmer · 28/03/2015 07:58

This kind of one-track focus is annoying enough when there are just two of you. It wears thin very quickly once you have children and it buggers up bank holiday family plans or something happens to clash with mothers day. I'd be putting his flexibility to the test in your shoes and finding a new boyfriend if he's as fixed about his priorities as your post suggests.

DustBunnyFarmer · 28/03/2015 08:00

Also, his expectation that you suck it up are completely unreasonable. You are free to express yourself however you see fit.

Cherriesandapples · 28/03/2015 08:01

Is he going to put football before you always? If so, stop now! Imagine him not doing stuff because his selfish passion comes first.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6