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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to mask my disappointment better?

148 replies

Scuttlingherbert · 27/03/2015 23:45

First post.
My boyfriend and I planned to spend the Easter weekend visiting my parents in the Lake District. We live in London.
The plan was for him to come back on the Sunday on the train whilst I stay up there, so he doesn't miss a football match. He's a season ticket holder for the team he supports and goes to every home game.

However, he's looked at train times tonight and it's not feasible for him to come back on Sunday due to replacement bus services and the cost of train tickets.

He gave me 3 options:
A) he doesn't come to the Lake District
B) he does come and misses the football
C) he comes with me to the Lakes, on Sat he goes to Bolton to see his sister and gets back in time for Sunday

I thought C) was the worst of both worlds. I asked how much he'd mind missing the football and he made it clear he would. I said it's probably best to do A) then.
He kept saying 'are you sure? Are you positive?' And I said 'I don't know - I've only had a minute to think about it but it seems like it might be best.'

He then got angry with me for 'not masking my disappointment'. I didn't say anything critical or negative at all about him not coming, but I didn't go out of my way to reassure him I don't mind. I probably looked disappointed.
He said 'you're so black and white, it must be so easy in your world' and went on about how rude it is not to disguise your feelings in some situations. He said I made it clear what a massive disappointment he is, even though all I did was look disappointed and not agree I was positive it was the best option.

Was I being unreasonable not to mask my feelings?

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 28/03/2015 08:03

The train thing WILL be horrendous over Easter, apparently.

In Your shoes I would have put no pressure on, or act disappointed but just said "do what suits you" and quietly draw my own conclusions.

The fact that he bullies you into responding a certain way is off though and shows his true character.

The options menu where you are really only allowed to choose his preferred option is silly. He sounds a bit if a wanker tbh.

weebarra · 28/03/2015 08:03

I have a season ticket for my team, DH has one for his. As you might imagine, it doesn't always work out that we can both go (we also have three DCs). Even if you have a season ticket, you just have accept that sometimes real life gets in the way and you can't go. That's about being an adult and prioritising, he's not doing that.

blondegirl73 · 28/03/2015 08:04

I have a dad, a brother and most importantly a husband who put football above everything else. I am used to it. We didn't plan our kids' births round the football season but we do arrange birthday parties, family celebrations and whatnot around fixtures. BUT my husband would miss a match to visit family - unless it was the last match of the season or another special event, which as a PP pointed out, he would have known when the fixtures came out in June last year. I also have no qualms about saying I'm disappointed if he does prioritise football. Not sure if that helps!

HolgerDanske · 28/03/2015 08:07

He sounds horrible, and you're right to see it as a big red flag, because that's what it is.

Flowers You can do better for yourself.

Quenelle · 28/03/2015 08:13

Never mind the bloody football. As you suspect, Herbert, his disappointment is more valid than yours, ie, he shouldn't experience any and you shouldn't express yours.

He's a nob.

Aussiemum78 · 28/03/2015 08:15

I would have chosen A and enjoyed a weekend by myself, while DP gets annoyed that I won't miss him!

Plan to catch up with friends and have some down time while you are there.

OddFodd · 28/03/2015 08:16

Ditch him. If you pacify him, you're setting the tone for a wholly miserable relationship where your feelings are invalid

AdeleDazeem · 28/03/2015 08:20

Oooooh, OP HIB so, so, so U!!
He wants to have his cake and eat it too - watching the football betting the ' cake ' and you waving him off with a great big smile being the ( eating it too '.

By asking you to ' hide your disappointment ' / 'mask your feelings ' he is trying to train you! It's called ' conditioning '. He wants to control how you interact with him. DING DING DING DING Oh sorry that was just my alarm bell going off.

Another thing to consider. Is he ' hiding his disappointment ' from you
(There's no good answer to that question really, is there?)

Aussiemum78 · 28/03/2015 08:21

His perspective, for those saying he's a knob, is that you are being needy. Telling you to "hide your disappointment" could be stop disapproving every time we do something separately.

I can't say definitively from this that he is a knob.

Littlef00t · 28/03/2015 08:25

Could he take the car on Sunday and you get the train when you're supposed to be driving home?

HolgerDanske · 28/03/2015 08:28

Aussiemum, you do not invalidate someone's perfectly legitimate feelings by demanding that they mask them because it's more convenient for you if you don't have to deal with them.

You talk about things constructively and allow people their own feelings, and work around things so that they suit both people as well as possible.

Which brings me to the point, OP, that maybe you were being a bit stroppy in saying it had to be A. You possibly were a bit hasty in completely rejecting a compromise that allowed both people some of what they wanted. (I haven't RTFT and am saying this in the interest of fairness to both parties, just from reading the OP)

He's still way out of order though and I wouldn't be letting this go.

Flowers you can do better than this.

AdeleDazeem · 28/03/2015 08:30

Doh! 'being' the cake, not 'betting' the cake. No-one here is betting any cakes!

Seriouslyffs · 28/03/2015 08:43

Putting aside the fact it was over football (I was familyless on Mothering Sunday, meh. I went and saw my own Mum), the getting you to give him permission to let you down and then getting angry you didn't do it gracefully enough are massive relationship ending red flags.

popalot · 28/03/2015 08:48

uggh, selfish. Sounds like the sort of person who insists you 'knew what he was like' when he starts being a nobber and then blames you for getting upset. Why can't he just miss the match? Because he doesn't want you to interfere with whatever he wants to do. Bad sign, I'm afraid. And trust your instincts. If he has upset you, it is his fault. Not yours.

crazylady12 · 28/03/2015 09:20

Oh God no I spent 2 years with someone like that I had to plan my life around football, hes gave you 3 choices now you give him two 1) come away 2)be single see what he says.

Pipbin · 28/03/2015 09:27

So he acknowledged that you would be disappointed but was pissed off that you didn't hide it better?
That's just shit. 'I know I upset you but don't let me see that I've upset you. I can't cope with actually acknowledging that I am a twat.'

MatildaTheCat · 28/03/2015 09:32

How come he didn't mask his disappointment at missing the match and stick to the weekend in the Lakes? He's spoiling the weekend for you and your parents.

My DH is keen on his team and goes to home matches etc and has a season ticket but sometimes you suck it up.

crje · 28/03/2015 09:40

Tell him to stay home & watch the match as his behaviour has left you needing space & a lot to think about.

BathtimeFunkster · 28/03/2015 09:59

He sounds like a right wanker.

And also really stupid.

He's not even smart enough to be good at being a selfish, manipulative twat.

Original poster
Scuttlingherbert · 28/03/2015 12:48

Thanks for all your advice.
Update:
After more talking and him trawling through transport websites (he can't drive) he's found a train route for Sunday afternoon after all. I'm happy with that as he gets to see the game but is in the Lakes for a reasonable amount of time. I'll get the chance to have a good chat to my mum about the relationship.
He said the right things about me being more important than football.

I am happy with how Easter-footballgate has been resolved.

However, last night was another of quite a few recent red flags for me, such as him saying I should hide my feelings (e.g. If I'm quiet after a row), him calling me horrible names, getting angry and intimidating me by pointing right in my face and shouting at me.

He's always had a temper, which has always concerned me; it used to be like Jekyll and Hyde, and the Hyde appearances were rare, and the Jekyll times were so good, and so much frequent, they outweighed the bad (although I would feel a bit confused and hurt when Hyde had come out, as it was often quite random).
But he's had a difficult time since January (work and family stuff) and I think he's convinced himself I'm the reason he's upset and angry all the time.

I feel like he's taken very real flaws I have (like being oversensitive) and exaggerated them beyond recognition. He keeps saying I'm the most difficult person he's ever met. It doesn't sound right but I asked a few friends, who would tell me straight, and they each literally laughed out loud at the suggestion.
He's sort of warped his view of my past to fit these new beliefs about me, saying my ex-boyfriends only put up with how difficult I am because they 'had emotional problems and were too limp-wristed to say anything' (particularly hurtful as my previous boyfriend died).
I sort of know our relationship is fucked. We've both about 18 months, living together for 6. I sometimes think I should end it and feel desperately sad but a tiny bit relieved, but then he will be absolutely lovely to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scuttlingherbert · 28/03/2015 12:50

Sorry for a) drip-feeding and b) the absolute essay - just needed to rant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scuttlingherbert · 28/03/2015 12:51

Oops *we've been together 18 months
('We've both 18 months' makes no sense).

OP posts:
foslady · 28/03/2015 12:52

I think in your heart of hearts you know what needs to be done here......and yes, you're right

Icimoi · 28/03/2015 12:54

I don't even understand his logic. Are you supposed to be delighted at the prospect of not spending the weekend with him? That wouldn't exactly be flattering to him, would it?

Trumpity · 28/03/2015 12:56

Go without him and enjoy the weekend with your parents.

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