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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to mask my disappointment better?

148 replies

Scuttlingherbert · 27/03/2015 23:45

First post.
My boyfriend and I planned to spend the Easter weekend visiting my parents in the Lake District. We live in London.
The plan was for him to come back on the Sunday on the train whilst I stay up there, so he doesn't miss a football match. He's a season ticket holder for the team he supports and goes to every home game.

However, he's looked at train times tonight and it's not feasible for him to come back on Sunday due to replacement bus services and the cost of train tickets.

He gave me 3 options:
A) he doesn't come to the Lake District
B) he does come and misses the football
C) he comes with me to the Lakes, on Sat he goes to Bolton to see his sister and gets back in time for Sunday

I thought C) was the worst of both worlds. I asked how much he'd mind missing the football and he made it clear he would. I said it's probably best to do A) then.
He kept saying 'are you sure? Are you positive?' And I said 'I don't know - I've only had a minute to think about it but it seems like it might be best.'

He then got angry with me for 'not masking my disappointment'. I didn't say anything critical or negative at all about him not coming, but I didn't go out of my way to reassure him I don't mind. I probably looked disappointed.
He said 'you're so black and white, it must be so easy in your world' and went on about how rude it is not to disguise your feelings in some situations. He said I made it clear what a massive disappointment he is, even though all I did was look disappointed and not agree I was positive it was the best option.

Was I being unreasonable not to mask my feelings?

OP posts:

2boys2girls · 30/03/2015 07:21

Think its the attitude of him rather than the dilemma , I'd tell him to stay put and go on own :) really don't get the c)? but think that probably an option as well

cosmicglittergirl · 30/03/2015 07:28

Well done. Sounds like you knew deep down what you should do. Have a good rest at your parents and good luck sorting your living arrangements etc. You will feel like a new woman soon.

FishWithABicycle · 30/03/2015 08:05

Well done! You are well rid of him. You have the self respect to know you deserve better.

So many mn threads started by women in crap relationships eventually just fizzle out because the op has no intention of taking any action to change their situation. I'm so glad that wasn't true here.

Yarp · 30/03/2015 08:44

I have never been called any name by my DH in 25 years. The fact that he would think it acceptable in the honeymoon years of your relationship is, as you know, worrying.

Well done. I understand it hurts now, but you have done the right thing

MarvellousMarbles · 30/03/2015 08:55

Oh good - you have saved yourself years (even decades) of heartache

hellsbellsmelons · 30/03/2015 09:12

I have to say... good decision to end it.
I really hope to you stick to your guns on this.
From the outset I was thinking, why are you putting up with this?
And why then the discussion happened you didn't just say 'b' is beyond me!
But from updates, he's been emotionally abusing you and you 'knew' what he wanted to hear to give you an easier life at the time.
Please don't take him back.
You've written yourself about a good few red flags.
Keep a list and refer to it when you have a wobble.
He's a knob - that's all you need to know!

RenterNomad · 30/03/2015 09:18

It's actually a hopeful sign that you have the emotional resources to say no to this sort of twattishness, though it may be difficult to have it out in the open for the rest of your "flatshare"...

Something to share with your friends: www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/nov/22/hutching-up-london-housing-crisis-rabbits-couples

championnibbler · 30/03/2015 13:35

well done.
please don't ever take him back.
he won't change and actually i think he'll get worse.
he has a lot of anger and needs professional therapy.
you can't fix him.
some other poor woman will get the back of his hand soon enough, i suspect.

Seriouslyffs · 30/03/2015 14:57

How are you feeling today scuttling?

Original poster

Scuttlingherbert · 31/03/2015 12:29

Yesterday I was a bit up and down; I'm at Uni on Mondays and I was fine in the lectures but tearful in the breaks if anyone asked how my weekend was.
I went to a hula-hooping class afterwards which I've never done before and that was fun.
I feel like I've got lots of brilliant friends around me who talk a lot of sense and even though everyone liked him and is sorry it's over, they think I've made the right decision. It's been reassuring to hear their partners don't call them names and things.
I still feel partly like it hasn't sunk in and I want him to say the right things so we can go back to normal. But also I'm remembering more things I thought were annoying quirks that could have all part of his problem, like he would sometimes say quite a cutting, personal comment that seemed really unexpected, often when I was talking about something I was proud of (e.g. I'm writing a novel and he's always reminded me how unlikely it is to get published or corrected my punctuation instead of encouraging me, or when I had a band practice with this band and then they dropped me because 'my style didn't match theirs', and I was saying I was ok about it but would be really embarrassed if the real reason was they didn't think I'm good enough. He was nice at first saying they probably didn't think that but when I agreed he said 'but what if they DID think that though!'
Or when I said someone had called me creative (as part of a story about horoscopes) and he said 'oh so you're creative are you?' And I said 'yeah, look at the coffee table!' (which I'd just done something arty with) and he said 'I'd say what you've done with the coffee table is artisanal rather than creative'.
I thought he was just being a bit socially inept and I was being oversensitive but now wonder if he got something out of putting me down (although to be balanced, he does also say he's proud of me a lot and say nice things too).
He'd also gradually started talking to me like I'm a child sometimes, like telling me off for not saying please.
It's been ok in the flat so far, he's been sleeping in the spare room and it's been amicable when we've seen each other. He's seemed very sad and detached but polite.
Sorry this is so long, congratulations to anyone who read it to the end.

OP posts:

Seriouslyffs · 31/03/2015 12:38

You sound flat, which is probably as good as can be expected. Hope you have a good break with your parents. Even now, married 20 years there's something rather lovely about going and seeing mine without my 'entourage' and being a child again.

IceBeing · 31/03/2015 12:56

100% the right decision! Glad things aren't too awful.

valrhona · 01/04/2015 08:32

I'm just a stranger on the interweb but I'm so relieved you've broken up with this guy having read your last post OP. This guy would have chipped away at you until all that's left is a bag of gravel.

Sounds like you have loads of great things and friends going on in your life, focus on them

Well done you.

DialMforMildred · 01/04/2015 09:16

Another who thinks you've done absolutely the right thing - don't let him run the 'vulnerable boy' routine to get you to take him back. (Also, surely if you'd made the coffee table, that'd be artisanal, rather than creative? Idiot.)

As one Lakes girl to another, I say go home this weekend, look at the Herdwick lambs, look at the fells, look at the daffodils, and see this as the springtime of a new relationship that's round the corner...

guilianna · 01/04/2015 09:37

artisanal rather than creative? haaahaaa what an utter twonk, well done op

TendonQueen · 01/04/2015 10:48

That artisanal comment is hilarious! Talk about being desperate to correct you. Keep focusing on how truly sad on his part that is when you feel down.

MmeGuillotine · 01/04/2015 12:55

He sounds like a total dick. You, however, sound brilliant!

(When I started writing novels, my husband bought me a Macbook and encouraged me to give up my job so that I would have more time to write. He is my biggest fan and also my IT support, which has its downsides as he literally just had to listen to me totally freaking out about losing 3,000 words of editing. That's how it should be! Breaking up is really sad and awful, even if you know it's the right thing to do but this leaves you free to find someone on your own CREATIVE wavelength, who will think your books and music and YOU are bloody amazing.)

Original poster

Scuttlingherbert · 02/04/2015 12:20

Thanks so much to everyone for your support and advice. It has helped.
I was feeling quite upbeat as, even though I knew I'm in for the inevitable break-up shit time, it felt a bit more predictable and less out of my control than when I've been trying to gauge his mood every evening and walking on eggshells (especially as it has been amicable and polite when we've chatted in the flat).
However, we had a proper talk last night and it's sunk in that it's really over, so I'm very sad and quite cross with him. I think he set out to try and get back together (which part of me kind of wanted) but ended up still blaming me and being confrontational (eg saying "oh well, I can't make you respect my feelings" when I said I don't agree I'm 'difficult'.)

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 02/04/2015 12:26

Well he's shown you yet again, who he really is.
Please listen this time.
You deserve, and will no doubt get, much better than him.
You are allowed to be sad and cry, it's normal.

Purplepixiedust · 02/04/2015 12:41

Well done OP.

There is much here that rings true with my husbands behaviour. Especially the temper, name calling and criticising and then being sorry, saying I mean the world to him and he doesnt really think of me that way. It does nothing for your self esteme. I am apparently cool and calm and he is lead by his emotions and cant help it. Utter bollocks.

Get rid now, it is much harder after having kids (and when he wont accept its over).

Goldrill · 02/04/2015 12:54

Good for you OP.

If you're feeling sad and sorry for him, remember that you have done him a favour in the long run too. You have shown him that behaving that way will end badly for him, and that nice and normal people who he might want to be with are likely to reject him because of it.

Obviously, it's up to him whether he takes that on board or not...

Glorious sunshine in Cumbria today btw, and there are lambs popping out all over!

championnibbler · 02/04/2015 13:37

it sounds like he's been trying to chip away at your resolve.
he's realised he's lost his whipping boy.
at this stage now, it sounds like everything that needs to be said has been said by both of you.
i would think its best to avoid any further entanglements with him.
he's trying to reel you back in.
stay well away and enjoy your life without this wanker.

FishWithABicycle · 09/04/2015 20:25

How are you getting on OP? - it's been a week, I hope you are ok.

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