To wish more people would consider adoption

[Kittykatmary]

I'm new to mumsnet and this is my first thread.

My family background, I have 5 children. DD1 is 16 is bio. Ds1 15 adopted. Ds2 15 is bio. Dd 9 bio. Dd 8 adopted.

I have always wanted a big family, and dh and I have had to have IVf twice as we could not conceive our last two bio children naturally.

Their is so many children that need adopting . Aibu to hope that more people could consider adoption.

Maryz I am not going to stop seeing some of my family because they love their own and adopted children differently, or say they do.

"adoptions break down as childless people think that adopting is going to make everything all right and make them the prefect family" This is not my viewpoint, it is what I was told by someone who is a professional guardian to kids going through the adoption process. When Dh and I got together, as DSS had recently been adopted I had to meet with her even though i was not adopting him.

I don't really care if relatives love their children differently, especially as those children are now adult.

I do not see what is shocking about my views, all I have said is that I would not adopt as others have said too. I am also not going into details on a public forum of how or why DH and I got together and what the connection is to DSS's adoption. It was a long time ago.

That wasn't the sum of what you have said. If the only thing you said was 'adoption is not for me' then what would be the problem? Nothing. Plenty of people have said that. It's the offensive phrases you keep on sprouting, despite having had it explained why it's offensive and hurtful to most adoptive families - parents and children.

I have not used any offensive language. I do think you are being over sensitive.

I plan to adopt, some day. Most likely when my DC are older.

It seems easier in America, though. I know of three couples offhand in the few years who have adopted babies, and I live in a very small town. One was chosen directly by a birth mother and the other two were fostering the babies and decided to adopt when the opportunity came up.

I don't want to adopt a baby though :)

Continuously saying that adopted children aren't their parents own children is offensive. End of story. Apparently you think most adoptive parents in the world are over sensitive, and most adopted kids, rather than just accept that when everyone here is telling you that it does cause offence and is rude, that's the truth of the matter. I'm amazed at how such basic politeness and respect escapes you. You haven't adopted, or been adopted, fine, so listen to those who have that experience.

loletta I think they would. My friends had their entire lives pored over, with the sw going over arguments they had when they first got together - over 20 years ago! I couldn't believe how intrusive it was.

loletta - suggest you pop over to the adoption board for advice rather than on this odd, adoption bingo AIBU thread

OP YABU if you're even still reading this

Calico please listen when people tell you why what you are saying is out of order rather than digging a hole

I have not used any offensive language. I do think you are being over sensitive.

And yet, people on this thread have told you that they do find the language you have chosen to be offensive.

You think I'm being over sensitive when it somewhat stings when people ask me 'what do you know of their real mother'. You know, the woman who, despite extensive, evidenced social services support being put in place for years before care proceedings began allowed my children to suffer abuse and neglect requiring hospitalisation on several occasions. Oh, and leaving them for days with adults who had convictions including violent assaults against family members, and suspected paedophiles.

But so long as the language we choose to use respects her feelings, right?

And Loletta, I second Closers advice.

I think the 'someone else's children' comment is understandable. Calico has not adopted so the potential adopted children are currently someone else's, she was speaking from that side of the adoption process. If she did adopt in the future then that child would become hers. But at the minute, they are not hers so they are currently someone else's. I didn't see her saying anywhere that children who are adopted are not 'my children' to their parents.

Interesting thread. I'm currently attempting to help a friend with two teenage children who have 'gone off the rails' - drugs, booze, dodgy mates.

She adopted them as babies and I've been stunned by some of the comments in our village recently, from all ages:

Bet she wishes she never adopted them
She must feel like sending them back
This must be harder for her than other parents as they aren't really hers
I wouldn't have it, but I'd try to help them if they were actually mine
Bet she regrets ever getting involved with them
She can't love them the way we love ours, it's not possible

The amount of times I've replied "but they ARE HER children".

I'm also adopted and the implication that my parents didn't love me as much as they would have loved bio children, if they'd had any, is hurtful.

Well apparently her relatives children haven't become her kids despite an adoption order and years of being a family. It's apparently important to make a point of differentiating the 'own children' (ie. proper kids, real kids, better than) with 'adopted children' (ie. not really proper parenting, lesser, not loved as much) rather than the accurate 'birth children and adopted children'. You better believe that's the message that kids get when they hear those words, they do hear a strong implication that their family is lesser, that they aren't their parents child, and then it depends on them having the security and self esteem to reject that cruel message. But not all children have that, and they are affected by other adults casting judgement on their family and saying they aren't their parents, which is why we adoptive parents often spend time trying to educate others, for our childrens sake. Don't mistake sensitivity with the patience to keep coming back and trying to explain something, and the desire for a nicer and more understanding society for my children (not my adopted children, just my children. My own children. Who became mine through adoption. Who became mine through parenting day in day out, nurture, sticking it out through the thick and thin) to live in. I couldn't have survived nearly 2 decades of parenting my (traumatised) children if I got upset every time people made ignorant comments and stubbonly refuse to listen to reason, or got upset every time I get offensive language directed at me (forget ye old 'you're not my real mum', being called a cunt has almost turned into water off a ducks back). Frustrated sometimes, which is when its time to walk away and make a cup of tea...

For fucks sake.

People still try to tell my husband he loves his non bio step children differently to his bio children and it is as offensive as fuck to him. Sure some step parents feel that way but he never has but yet people still try to convince him that he can't possibly love them as much because they aren't his blood

I agree with Mary, her opinions are despicable and I only imagine how offensive they are to those who have adopted or were adopted.

OP YABU for all the reasons already given.

And I've also had that a bit too Sandy

A few people seem to think that I wouldn't have told a theoretical birth child that they had to leave my home (which I had to do with my deeply loved but very troubled DD2 last year) but would have somehow loved them more and been willing to hang on even further without saying 'I can't do this any more'. They think "you're only doing this because she's adopted and I would never do that, you unloving parent". A particularly unwelcome variation on the 'I would never kick a child of mine out' theme! Another equally unwelcome variant is "I don't blame you for doing that, because I wouldn't put up with that from a child who wasn't mine either" Head, wall, bang indeed