To wish more people would consider adoption

[Kittykatmary]

I'm new to mumsnet and this is my first thread.

My family background, I have 5 children. DD1 is 16 is bio. Ds1 15 adopted. Ds2 15 is bio. Dd 9 bio. Dd 8 adopted.

I have always wanted a big family, and dh and I have had to have IVf twice as we could not conceive our last two bio children naturally.

Their is so many children that need adopting . Aibu to hope that more people could consider adoption.

formerbabe
The LA or agency look for parents for the children and the childrens needs are, quite rightly, their priority
People adopt because they want a child. If they didn't want a child they would not adopt
The reasons for choosing to have a child by adoption are varied and individual

Would you have considered adoption if you didn't need fertility treatment?

My parents tried to adopt and failed, as did my sister, things like financial situation, criminal record and sometimes General personality prevents people from adopting. My parents couldn't because my brother had a criminal record and my sister couldn't because she lived in a rented property, she considered adoption as she struggled to conceive, when she got rejected for adoption she tried IVF and it worked.

It isn't very easy to adopt or Foster, I have witnessed first hand loving homes be turned away by social workers for being unsuitable. It happens all the time and it's really sad for both the children and the families desperate for a child to love.

Fortunately the average adopter in this country (me included) is far more honest about the realities of adoption than you are.

I think those of us who realise we would make absolutely terrible adopters are also doing the system a favour.

The fact that more people want to adopt babies and toddlers has always made me feel like adoption is not always the selfless act it is portrayed to be

The fuck? Do you have any idea about the issues associated with parenting a child adopted over the age of 3? It's incredibly challenging. Nobody prefers a baby because they are cuter, but they are more likely to form longstanding healthy attachments.

Adoption is really not for everyone.

I was adopted when I was 10 after spending my childhood in many different homes. I grew up believing I would adopt, that I'd give back what I could to children who so desperately needed help.

I'm 33 now and have two bio children of my own. Looking at it from an adults perspective (and from the perspective of someone who works in a school with adoptive children, among others), I know without a doubt that whilst I'd still like to adopt, that it is a HUGE, HUGE task to undertake, and not one I'd be willing to take on while my own children are young in case it had a negative impact on their lives.

The challenges that come with any child are unreal let alone a child who has already experienced some of the very worst kinds of loss and abandonment. It's so simplistic to simply exclaim "more people should adopt". Yes, they should. But less fucked-up terrible parents should have children; they should be honest about the fact that they don't want to/can't care for a baby and use frigging birth control or, at the worst, have a termination.

I admire anyone who has the dedication and unconditional love to adopt. Families like that are to be celebrated. But let's call a spade a spade; adopting can be hard work, both the process before you even get your child, then the years that follow where you're essentially trying to make up for the fact that they had such a godawful start in life. More people ought to adopt. More adoption agencies ought to make the process easier. But more adoptive families ought to be honest about the difficulties they've faced rather than judging those who can't/won't for whatever reason.

I can't believe someone who has five children, two adopted, would present such a naive unrealistic picture of adoption.

they told her if she didn't want a child with significant disabilities, children aged over 7, sibling groups of 3 or more or boys with behavioural difficulties then they couldn't help her

Odd. It's really unusual for children aged 7 to be adopted or available for adoption. I'd say your friend should ask her local authority as they certainly wouldn't say anything so unhelpful.

Ehric You are absolutely right. I went to my parents when I was 10. I'd spent almost 8 years in care and was essentially a self-sufficient adult in a child's body. I had issues coming out my ears, and it's only now 23 years later I can hold my hand up and say I'm a fully-functioning adult. Adopting an older child is like trying to dress an octopus in leggings; you're holding onto one tentacle and there are seven others trying to throttle you.

How my parents survived (and how we have a lovely relationship as adults) is entirely beyond me. All I can assume is that their version of unconditional love was the most unconditional of all, because I was fucking awful. And I had the most twisted sense of love and affection a child can have when I went to them.

Adopting is wonderful but incredibly difficult. We were put through hell, made to jump through hoops and after all the stress, they decided that actually our children were too young to continue with adoption. Nothing to do with maturity etc, just their ages (annoying as they were a year younger when we started it all and they never bothered to meet them!) as was pointed out to us, by the adoption service, that very few babies require adopting, only older children as the prices take so long for them to remove children from the birth families; the majority, if not all will have various issues that will require a lot of understanding, and unfortunately not everyone is able to cope with this. Where we are you basically have to be perfect. Had a tough childhood? Sorry you're not suitable. Lost a parent/sibling? Sorry adopting may bring back the emotions of that. Overweight? Sorry you're not healthy enough, etc etc.
Again, adopting is a wonderful wonderful thing, but certainly not easy. If you can and are able to do it, fantastic, but you can't expect people to want to bring up a child who may or may not have serious difficulties instead of wanting biological children or any other alternative.

I have never met an adoptive parent who described their decision to adopt as 'selfless'. They wanted a child, and this is one of the ways to have a child.

Formerbabe, think about it. The adoption agency is there to act on the child's behalf and consider their best interests and the best potential with a parent/parents, so of course adoption is about the child's need for a family - but how could that possibly work if, at the other side of the equation, there weren't people who quite simply wanted a child enough to go through a long, often invasive, frightening and frustrating process? Who have to be honest enough with themselves to answer honestly no holds barred questions about what level of known disability/FAS/developmental delay/trauma/experience of physical or sexual abuse they could deal with?

I imagine that the approval process would be asking a lot of very searching questions of potential adoptive parents who thought they were being Mother Teresa of Calcutta? (A deeply problematic woman, of course, but that's another thread...)

In fact, a horrifying percentage of the outcomes of those US fundamentalist 'Quiverfull' type Christian groups who do gospel-inspired 'selfless' mass adoptions from African countries end up badly. Selflessness is, IMO, no substitute for whatever primitive desire many of us have to have a child, by whatever means.

Adoption is very, very tough - we have experience of adoption in our wider family and to be perfectly honest it has been traumatic for everyone concerned - one adoption completely broke down and the child went back into foster care - in another case although the children remained with the adoptive parents it has been an absolute nightmare - there was totally inadequate support from 'professionals' and there will not be any 'happy ending'. .

I'm so glad to hear it worked out well for you and your parents must have done a great job. As you rightly say, older children don't take well to being given a new family. It's very hard to assimilate their identity and build attachments. It's far more usual for an older child to be placed in long term foster care for this reason.

I Quiverfull adopters too LadyGregory when I read formerbabes posts

I don't think those who are not involved in adoption really have a clue about the reality
We intended to adopt an older child, primary school age. Around 5-6 was our ideal
There were few children that age and those were part of sibling groups
Our LA advised us adopting younger. Our dd was only a year old when we adopted her

thought of Quiverfull families that should be

I would think it takes a special type of person to adopt an older child, who most probably comes with lots of issues.

As for babies, they are such a high value commodity, that in countries like Mexico, there are thought to be gangs stealing babies for the adoption market.

I supported my cousin through her and her husbands adoption, I was even their referee. The process was pretty straightforward, it took a few months then they adopted a sibling group.

I was amazed at how much easier the process was than what I though, however it was the calm before the storm. The family have had very little support from ss who have alternated between no help and support to making knee jerk reactions not in the children's best interests. The concerns I had during the interview which were shrugged off by ss have come to light and I feel the children have been massively let down. There's almost no chance I'd adopt now and honestly, I'd think twice before recommending or suggesting it to anyone.

A close friend was approved to adopt last year. They still haven't found her a kid as adopters now outnumber children in our area. SWs try to keep children in families now so there are not the number there once were.

I imagine that if adoption was as it was in the 1950s, many people would consider adoption but as it is, children nowadays who are adopted are almost universally available for adoption because they were forcibly removed from their birth parents and this tends to be because of reasons that are traumatic.

Relinquishing a baby is so rare. SS tried VERY hard, years ago, to talk me out of it. Luckily I held my ground and my daughter has two parents who love her and I did that, which I think is pretty good :) Even so, I don't think I'd adopt unless I could have a baby.

We are fortunate to be able to have children and we do. An older child came into our lives who was being placed for adoption. We had never thought of having another child but we knew we couldn't live with ourselves if we didn't try to adopt this child. The process was HORRENDOUS, STRESSFUL and a joke really. If we hadn't known this child twice we'd have thrown in the towel. Thankfully it's now all over but if I NEVER meet an adoption social worker again it would be too soon.

I have my own children and have no desire to adopt someone else's child or children. Having adopted sisters, and very close friends who are adopted, and an adopted stepson I know that is it not an easy road, and many adopted children and parents have a very hard time.

I think you have to have a real desire to adopt and to encourage others to do the same is being unreasonable.

I admire people who adopt or/and foster.

I have absolutely no desire to and even if I did I wouldn't pass as I haven't the resources.

I have one child of my own who I adore but I was never sure of having any at all and to be honest I find other people's children incredibly draining. I don't dislike children at all but I know very well I could not care for someone else's like it was my own and that wouldn't be fair on them. Basically I don't want to.

Someone close to me 'failed'. Well gave up really eventually as the process was taking too much out of them. You have to be very strong to allow a stranger into your to pick your life and family to pieces.