Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish more people would consider adoption

156 replies

Kittykatmary · 27/03/2015 19:08

I'm new to mumsnet Smile and this is my first thread.

My family background, I have 5 children. DD1 is 16 is bio. Ds1 15 adopted. Ds2 15 is bio. Dd 9 bio. Dd 8 adopted.

I have always wanted a big family, and dh and I have had to have IVf twice as we could not conceive our last two bio children naturally.

Their is so many children that need adopting Sad. Aibu to hope that more people could consider adoption.

OP posts:
Liara · 27/03/2015 19:40

I think that your experience is probably very different to that of adopters in the UK.

We considered adopting when we lived in the UK, as we were told we would be unable to have bio dc without IVF, and were unwilling to have IVF.

The process is so, so intrusive and you are very, very unlikely to get a baby, so we kept putting it off. In the end we had bio dc. Not sure we would have gone through with the adoption process even if we hadn't, though. We are private people and do not welcome having strangers poking their noses into our lives.

Jackieharris · 27/03/2015 19:40

Well if you aren't in the UK and are obviously unfamiliar with our system why are you posting this?

irretating · 27/03/2015 19:41

DH and I are considering it. Not right now but definitely in the next few years.

CalleighDoodle · 27/03/2015 19:43

Two year gap minimum and adooted child should be the youngest. A colleague and her husband are approved but nothing is happening as they havent got a suitable child for them age and gender wise.

99pokerface · 27/03/2015 19:46

Add message | Report | Message poster CalleighDoodle Fri 27-Mar-15 19:43:17
Two year gap minimum and adooted child should be the youngest. A colleague and her husband are approved but nothing is happening as they havent got a suitable child for them age and gender wise

May I suggest it's not their is nothing more that they are with a local council who make adopter wait and adopt with ONLY that council as oppose to say a vounrtly agncey who allows you to look at children from all over the UK ,Scotland,NI and wales and jersery and gernsey

Starpupil · 27/03/2015 19:46

Why are you making it sound easy?

seaoflove · 27/03/2015 19:47

Adoption isn't for everyone.

A lot of children who are up for adoption have suffered terrible things as babies and toddlers. They can have emotional problems and health problems. I have nothing but respect for the adoptive parents who devote themselves to therapeutically parenting their children, but it's not for everyone.

I think you sound quite high handed and have over simplified the reality of adoption. But since you're not in the UK, maybe things are different where you are.

DuelingFanjo · 27/03/2015 19:51

People should consider it.. First in line should be anyone who has ever said that a person with fertility issues should 'just adopt' because it's obviously not the responsibility of infertile people to solve the children in care issue.

formerbabe · 27/03/2015 19:51

I thought that there were lots of children waiting, if you want 3+ year olds or sibling pairs...and that most people waiting were those who wanted under 3's?

I thought the same thing. The fact that more people want to adopt babies and toddlers has always made me feel like adoption is not always the selfless act it is portrayed to be. That's not a dig at the op by the way...just a more general comment. Fwiw, I couldn't and wouldn't want to adopt.

Moreisnnogedag · 27/03/2015 19:53

The UK adoption system is incredibly grueling. Friends of mine are going through it and the process is a trial. Whilst there are lots of children awaiting adoption there are also a lot of families waiting to adopt. Most children here are much older when being placed for adoption and this brings its own attendant problems.

Back in my home country, more people give up their children for adoption, the process is less stringent (for both good and bad) and you are very likely to be able to adopt a a baby. I have a very different opinion of adopting there than in the UK..

Original poster
Kittykatmary · 27/03/2015 19:53

It is not easy adoption. We adopted abroad so we are not familiar with uk.

I am English but we move every 3/4 years throughout the Eu.

I think that for us it was such a wonderful thing and we have made such a difference to dc.

OP posts:
stillwearingaredribbon · 27/03/2015 19:56

what a strange thing to say
I know many adopters and I have never heard any of them claim it was a selfless act
They just wanted children same as any other parent
Some had adoption as their first choice some had fertility issues

formerbabe · 27/03/2015 19:59

They just wanted children same as any other parent

I feel like adoption should be about children needing parents...rather than potential parents wanting children.

JemimaPuddlePop · 27/03/2015 19:59

I've often thought that I'd quite like to adopt in a few years...and to adopt an older child or even older siblings.

But the reality is that I know I could never love an adopted child as much as I do our dc. I would never show that to the adopted dc obviously...I'd never treat them differently, knowingly. But the feeling just wouldn't be there as deeply.

So is it really fair to adopt in these circumstances? Or not?

Moreisnnogedag · 27/03/2015 20:02

I can't imagine it'd be easy convincing an adoption agency here in the UK that you'd be appropriate if you move that often. Out of interest, and excuse me for being nosey, did you adopt babies/young toddlers or older children?

I take my hat off to adopters who adopt older dc, the attachment issues can be so big. (I know that little one have them too but I think it's more marked and 'set in' past 4 or 5).

HermioneWeasley · 27/03/2015 20:06

Why the stat about LGBT people adopting? Why shouldn't straight people adopt?

Starpupil · 27/03/2015 20:06

I think you need to recognise that it is not always 'a wonderful thing' and as an experienced adopter with a large family I can't believe you are presenting it like that.

PoisonPension · 27/03/2015 20:10

Not everyone is suitable.

Yellowbird54321 · 27/03/2015 20:13

Jemima I'd say clearly not. Doubt you would be approved to adopt in that case anyway.

GrinAndTonic · 27/03/2015 20:14

Adoption is easy? Ahahahaha, here are a few adoption rules from Australia (since you are categorising the whole worlds adoption rules together)

  • both parents must be under 45
  • it can take a minimum of seven years
  • one parent must stay at home and not work for a year
  • you must have at least $25000 in savings
  • the birth parent/s can have access if desired

Considering that there were about 350 adoptions in 2013-14 and all but five were inter family adoptions (step parent adoptions etc) you can see how easy it is Hmm

I only found out I was infertile two years ago (I'm 35 and DH is 42). So if we applied the day I found out then we would still not have been eligible as DH would hit the age cutoff before we got even close to getting a child.

Attitudes like yours are ignorant and make me angry.

letsgotothebeach · 27/03/2015 20:15

Totally agree Starpupil

Muddiboots · 27/03/2015 20:16

99pokerface, yes but you can only go through your local council can't you, so for us it's not a possibility, whereas I could have another baby, no problem. I'm not trying to perpetuate a myth, just as I said a minor example of the difficulties

guiltynetter · 27/03/2015 20:19

my sister would like to adopt and contacted an adoption agency for advice recently. they told her if she didn't want a child with significant disabilities, children aged over 7, sibling groups of 3 or more or boys with behavioural difficulties then they couldn't help her. I know that this is very sad and they need families too but it wasn't suitable for my sister and it wouldn't for many other prospective adopters too.

MrsDeVere · 27/03/2015 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Barbadosgirl · 27/03/2015 20:22

Perhaps go onto the AUk chat room and see some of the hell adopters can go through and then you might understand why it is a no for some. Read a thread by a chap called Earendil that has just made me weep. I say this as an adoptive mummy who is v happy with her choice to adopt. Oh, and at the moment there are more approved adopters that children waiting in some LAs due to the outrageous stupid policy of the government to speed up approval coupled with a case which has meant fewer placement orders being granted.