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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish more people would consider adoption

156 replies

Kittykatmary · 27/03/2015 19:08

I'm new to mumsnet Smile and this is my first thread.

My family background, I have 5 children. DD1 is 16 is bio. Ds1 15 adopted. Ds2 15 is bio. Dd 9 bio. Dd 8 adopted.

I have always wanted a big family, and dh and I have had to have IVf twice as we could not conceive our last two bio children naturally.

Their is so many children that need adopting Sad. Aibu to hope that more people could consider adoption.

OP posts:
Letmejustsaythis · 28/03/2015 08:47

Op, you haven't come back to tell us more about your situation.

TraceyTrickster · 28/03/2015 12:26

Also in Aus- we looked at adoption and in our state (it changes state by state) they said there are about 20 kids a year to be adopted- most are by family and most will be drug affected.

Internationally? A 8-12 year waiting list and you have to be reviewed (references, bank accounts, life stories etc) every 2 years. They really don't want people to adopt in this state.

Lilka · 28/03/2015 13:21

Letmejustsaythis I'm not surprised! I'd like to know where these children were adopted from, considering pretty much all the other Western European countries have far fewer children available than the UK anyway

I would point out that adopting a baby does not mean you don't have trauma related issues to consider. Babies do not magically 'forget' what has happened to them, their brains are not going to magically 'poof' all issues better just by being parented properly now. Babies have attachment issues too. They have emotional difficulties. Babies have FASD and other drug exposure in utero and genetic risk factors for certain conditions, and their brain has already been developping for however many months. You really cannot go into adoption and be thinking "I would like a baby in order to avoid attachment issues and behavioural difficulties". There are plenty of other valid reasons to want a child under 2, like really wanting to experience that stage of life and not miss out on it and never be able to parent a young child, which IMHO would be why most people ask for a younger child (I asked for older children for other reasons, but it is not better or superior to want an older child).

" They just wanted children same as any other parent

I feel like adoption should be about children needing parents...rather than potential parents wanting children. "

If you're going to adopt, your primary motivation has to be "I really want a child/another child". You cannot go into adoption saying "Oh I'm doing it to make a difference to a child". Oh, and you don't want to be a parent, do you? In which case, don't go near the children waiting for adoption. They need parents who want them because they want to be a parent, not parents who want to help out a child in need. An adoption is not going to be held together in the toughest moments by a desire to help a child, is it? No it's held together because the parents wanted to be parents, wanted a child, and are determined to keep going. Of course we must design the adoption process with the child first and foremost and make it about them needing parents, but don't confuse that with people's motivations to adopt.

FluffyMcnuffy · 28/03/2015 13:25

Oh and can I just say if 1% of the LGBT population adopted it would mean there would be not a single child waiting for a home now that's somthing to think about

I find that fucking offensive to be honest. Just because I'm gay why does that mean I am not allowed to prefer to be pregnant and carry my own biological child?

maliaki · 28/03/2015 13:59

I know someone that desperately wants to adopt but the process is so stressful and has been so disappointing so far with things falling through that she and her husband are close to calling it quits on ever having DC. Another one I know has only now managed to adopt the little girl she's been fostering for 6 years- again filled with stress and worry.

There are many children who need adopting, yes, but there are many parents already wanting to who'd love to adopt and aren't able to or are finding it a struggle. It really can be a lottery as to experience. When you've had good experiences, it's probably easy to wonder why everyone doesn't do it- that's before you even consider whether someone wants to.

Some people want biological children, some people want no children at all, some people would consider adoption but aren't prepared for the reality, some people (like myself) know they wouldn't be able to adopt because they don't have what it takes to raise a child who may well have been through severe trauma, upset or needs they cannot meet.

MrsBoreanaz · 28/03/2015 14:22

I have my own children and have no desire to adopt someone else's child or children

Head. Desk. Bang.

CalicoBlue · 28/03/2015 22:28

MrsBoreanaz
I have my own children and have no desire to adopt someone else's child or children

Head. Desk. Bang.

What does that mean? I am not the only one who has said they do not want to adopt so why have you picked on my post? It is not compulsory to want to adopt! I have lots of experience of adoption and it is not something I would do.

Lilka · 28/03/2015 22:44

Calico It's not about wanting to adopt or not. It's fine not to want to. It's the use of the words "my own children" to mean biological children. I didn't adopt other people's children, I adopted 3 of my own children! They are also someone else's, but no less mine than your birth children are yours, so describing my kids as someone else's, not my own, is offensive.

I've developped a bit of a thick skin about it when said to me, because as annoying as it is, people don't seem to comprehend why it's not okay, so I sometimes let it slide. However when people say "my own" or "why didn't you have kids of your own" in front of my own (adopted) children, then I always correct them.

GrouchyKiwi · 28/03/2015 22:46

DH and I have been talking a bit about adoption. We would like a big family, and have 2 DC but I'm having some issues after my second pregnancy and am not sure whether it would be sensible to have another pregnancy.

I've looked into the process where we live and have a decent understanding of how it works. I'd be very happy to adopt. But DH worries that he would find it hard to love an adopted child in the same way as our biological children so is unsure. He would hate to do that to a child. I suspect this is a reasonable - and not uncommon - fear.

MrsBoreanaz · 28/03/2015 22:54

Calico... What Lilka said

As someone with 'lots of experience of adoption', I'm surprised it had to be explained...

CalicoBlue · 28/03/2015 22:54

No I do not understand, if you adopt then they are someone else's child first. The fact that after adoption they are legally your child does not mean that they were not someone else's child. Surely that is offensive to those that have given up or had children removed for adoption, they are still their children.

I have a close friend who has just found his birth mother after 48 years, she thought of him every day of those 48 years, he was her child for all of that time.

WereJamming · 28/03/2015 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stillwearingaredribbon · 28/03/2015 22:57

Every adoption myth and stereotype is on this thread
And everyone is an expert
Give me a wall on which to bang my head

Lilka · 28/03/2015 22:57

Calico What part of "They are also someone else's, but no less mine than your birth children are yours" is difficult to understand?! I have never denied that my kids have two mothers, but to go so far as to say that my kids are less my own than they would be if I had birthed them, is wrong and bloody offensive. They could be no less my own. I'm their mum

WereJamming · 28/03/2015 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duftlys · 28/03/2015 23:03

I thought the OP was suggesting that more mothers shoudl give up their babies for adoption. Because everybody knows that adoption is a very long process.

Lilka · 28/03/2015 23:05

Well, I don't know about you Jamming but I forget that my kids are adopted. I often need strangers to educate me on the fact that they used to be parented by someone else. Memory like a seive me. I write letterbox and get immediate amnesia. That among talking about their life stories, and reading books on therapeutic parenting, and going on an adoption forums regularly, and spending hours thinking about how to navigate parenting with this emotional issue my child has due to abuse, and this issue, and this one, and....and loving, and cuddles, and being called mum and just being mum and child on a daily basis with added extras....well I mean it's hardly a wonder I need reminding is it?!

Lilka · 28/03/2015 23:09

Well, I don't write it any more, because my one child who is still under 18 certainly doesn't want his birth mother to know anything about him, and ditto siblings. So ended over a decade of spending hours carefully considering every sentence and labouring over pages of writing, analysing it all to make sure I had the right balance of being informative and sensitive and positive-but-also-realistic...

CalicoBlue · 28/03/2015 23:15

Lilka If you give birth to a child it is yours, it has your genes and those of your partners and ancestors. If you adopt it is different. Having family members who have their own and adopted children they love them them but it is not the same, they say there is a difference. Maybe that is just them.

I don't mean to say that your relationship with your children is anything other that you want it to be, but the OP was asking if it was unreasonable to ask for more people to adopt, I answered.

I have adopted friends, siblings, nieces and nephews, SIL and BIL, and DSS. I am fully aware of how hard adoption can be for all involved. Not something I would ever have done.

I had many conversations with a guardian who represents children through the adoption process, and she said that so many adoptions break down as childless people think that adopting is going to make everything all right and make them the prefect family. SS seem to (in my experience) dump needy children with couples who have no idea about kids and run.

MrsBoreanaz · 28/03/2015 23:16

Ironically, I think one thing that would encourage more people to look into adoption would be if there was an genuine end to the distinction between birth and adopted children; including a change of language such as 'own children' to mean birth children, 'real parents' to mean birth parents, 'adopted child' when it should simply be child etc.

It relegates adoptive parents and adopted children to 'second best' which is utter bollocks but I know is a concern of many potential adopters.

mytartanscarf · 28/03/2015 23:17

Obviously, pregnancy and giving birth is important and I certainly won't forget mine until my dying day and I have thought about my birth daughter every day since her conception really - but that doesn't make me her parent, or that she really belongs to me.

Her mum and dad are her mum and dad. They've loved her all these years. It's so offensive to say she isn't really theirs. Who else's would she be? I haven't seen her since she was a tiny baby. It doesn't mean I don't love her. I just consider it all a gift. I got the gift of a second chance. She got the gift of life, they got the gift of a healthy baby girl. Don't spoil all that with crass comments.

Lilka · 28/03/2015 23:23

Well I don't know what it's like to have birth children, I only have my own kids, not birth kids too. But I imagine that I would also say that I love them all equally but adoption isn't the same. I know it's not the same. That doesn't mean that anyone has the right to designate my kids as 'my adopted kids' and not simply 'my kids', my own kids. It's rude and it's hurtful. I hope you have never said that in front of any children who are adopted, it sends a horrible message to them, they know you're implying that their parents aren't really their parents. Which is total bollocks. My kids don't need ignoramouses undermining their security in my being their mum on top of everything else they have to deal with coming to terms with being adopted.

Charlotte3333 · 28/03/2015 23:26

It irks me sometimes as an adopted person when people talk to me about my 'real parents'. My real parents are the buggers who had to put up with my teen years, put me through Uni, tend to me when I was ill, read me the riot act, loved me unconditionally. There's no distinction for me between adoptive parents and real parents; anyone doing the job of a parent is essentially a child's parent, blood be damned.

mytartanscarf · 28/03/2015 23:33

Well said Charlotte

The GOOD thing about adoptive parents is that they tend to be determined and loving sorts who hopefully can give their daughter - my birth child - the tools to deal with other people's stupid prejudices. If anyone seriously thinks she would have been better off with me I show you a 15 year old me and laugh scornfully.

Pandora37 · 28/03/2015 23:36

I know a couple who adopted a little girl but they were rejected to adopt a second child. They were so upset by it I don't think they will apply to adopt again. Seeing the long and drawn out process they went through put me off, I don't think I could hack it.

And having seen the effects of abuse and trauma on someone close to me lasting well into adulthood and the problems they had as a result - that is a very big ask to take on. The fantasy of adoption is nice but in reality I don't think I could handle it. I don't think I'd ever fit the criteria anyway.

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