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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about lack of wedding presents?

171 replies

pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 14:19

We didn't ask for any, to be fair, as we think that's rude. It was a very low-key and low-cost wedding, so people probably didn't feel they had to 'give something back'. But 5 presents when there were over 100 people there - is that normal these days?

OP posts:

storytopper · 27/03/2015 22:53

I always take a present to a wedding or buy one from the list. Less expensive present if we are invited to just the evening do.

YANBU - and right to be be disappointed. Although it was the second time for your DH is was all new for you.

Your comments about your DH are warm and loving - hope you have a long and happy marriage. All the best to you.

itosh · 27/03/2015 23:49

I would expect my partner's family to turn up empty handed as they always do for everything.. however I would be hurt if everyone else followed suit

woodwaj · 28/03/2015 08:11

I'm not a massive fan of weddings etc so if you invited me to a 2 hour wedding I would probably get you 2 presents!

Congratulations on getting married x

RoganJosh · 28/03/2015 08:40

I'd be hoping that presents had been given but then been stolen.

My first instinct would be to email all your non present giving guests, saying that you have since heard that some presents may have gone astray and that you are worried people may think you are rude by not acknowledging some gifts. If anyone has given a gift but didn't get a thank you card could they please let you know.

sanfairyanne · 28/03/2015 08:48

i am for you that you didn't even get 'token bottle of wine' type presents

who does that???

Letmejustsaythis · 28/03/2015 08:52

Since nearly everybody here is astounded that less than 5% of your guests brought a present I think you need to get to the bottom of it. Why don't you casually mention it to a few friends or family? Just say, we didn't seem to get many presents, and see what they say.

angstyaunty · 28/03/2015 09:25

Wow, that's extremely rude. DH and I eloped, and were very surprised and delighted to receive loads of lovely things in the mail! We sent photos and formal announcement cards, but certainly never expected to receive anything. We also took close friends out for a meal (and family for a more formal 'do') and everyone brought gifts. Again, we were surprised, and grateful. I think it's shocking to attend an actual wedding empty handed.

roastednut · 28/03/2015 10:27

What roganjosh suggests is a great idea. Please report back if you do find out more

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/03/2015 11:32

Another one advising to do what RoganJosh suggests.

storytopper · 28/03/2015 14:12

The OP posted yesterday that the wedding was 10 months ago - too late to be chasing up "missing" presents.

She was just reflecting, I think, because it still bothers her a bit - and rightly so.

Skinheadmermaid · 28/03/2015 14:16

Thats really mean. We had a tiny wedding with about 20 guests and they all gave a card.

MaryBerrysLostCherry · 28/03/2015 14:41

I don't go to anyone's house without bringing at least a packet of biscuits or some flowers. When I was broke I made lavender posies and jam and the likes. I cannot imagine going to a wedding and not bringing anything. Really poor form.

deplorabelle · 28/03/2015 14:47

Sorry you are feeling disappointed. Plan something lovely to do for your first anniversary. Build some traditions just for you and dh and treat each other.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/03/2015 14:48

If it was that long ago and some presents HAD gone missing, the guests will have spent all this time thinking OP is rude for not thanking them for the gift. Always best to sort these things out at the time.

I remember not getting a thank you card from a bride and groom whose Wedding we had attended and given money in a card. I was surprised as the bride had done everything by the book in terms of wedding traditions and etiquette. She hand made a lot of things like favours (she is very talented at craft stuff) and I was expecting a cute little thank you card afterwards. It never came. They are not the sort to not bother so I think that what happened was that she didn't know we had given them anything - dH had given the groom the card, who for some reason opened it there and then, and put the money in his suit pocket. I'm thinking that either he spent the cash at the bar the night of the wedding as it probably got mixed up with his normal money, or it got returned to the suit hire shop, or it just got lost. I still wonder if the bride thinks we didn't actually give them anything and considers us rude or mean. But at the time I was thinking, maybe she was just too busy to send a thank you card yet and it would be wierd of me to mention not getting one.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/03/2015 14:52

You know, the more I think about it, the more I'm changing my mind about gift lists being naff. They would prevent all this angst. They would be more convenient for everyone - the guests wouldn't have to have the responsibility of bringing the present to the wedding, and the bride and groom wouldn't have the responsibility of keeping them all somewhere safe and them transporting them from the venue to home.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/03/2015 14:52

And there is a clear record of who bought what, of course.

ARoomWithoutAView · 28/03/2015 15:02

There would be 100% turn out with a gift from me for anything like this, request or not.

voluptuagoodshag · 28/03/2015 15:38

Each to their own but I dislike gift lists. Come over as too grabby but that's for another thread. I couldn't bring myself to make a gift list. If I was getting married today, with the invites Id say something like 'we don't have a gift list as we are old fashioned enough to appreciate whatever gift someone chooses to give us'

PHANTOMnamechanger · 28/03/2015 15:58

'we don't have a gift list as we are old fashioned enough to appreciate whatever gift someone chooses to give us'

what will you do with your 20 toasters then, flog them on ebay or take them back to the shop and swap them?

gift lists are as much for making sure the B&G don't get lumbered with lots of identiacal gifts, as they are about helping them to have the things they want.

I'm in the camp of it being very odd to go to a wedding, whatever sort of wedding,and not take at least a token gift, Even when we were asked for no gifts because the B&G wanted guests to pay for their meals, and recognised that many also had travel and accommodation costs, we STILL took a couple of pretty mugs, and they were appreciated. Its nice having gifts to open.

We had a very "cheap" wedding list. Not one of these where one fork costs £20. We did not send it out with the invitations but did mention that DM had one if guests wanted to enquire. Most used the lsit but we also got some lovely things not from the list and everytime I use them I think fondly of those guests.

misssmilla1 · 29/03/2015 15:55

The giving a gift that's equal to the 'do' is really common practice here in the US. A lot of people will try and work out how much it costs, based on what you're having and where, and gift accordingly per head of who's going in their family. Bear in mind that this is usually on top of the bridal shower gifting, which is where you normally get the toasters, towels etc.

According to the OH, it's been known in certain parts of US cultures where money is gifted, that relatives will keep a stack of cash in an envelope on the day, and give to the B&G accordingly, based on what they think the wedding has been worth

nicecomfymat · 29/03/2015 16:10

I got married 10 years ago and we had a dept store list. I can't remember if we mentioned it when inviting people or just if people asked for it. We definitely said you definitely must not feel obliged to get us anything (but if people asked if we had a list we told them). The list was more aimed at close family but had gifts ranging from £5 to max of about £80. Lots of people bought from the list, some gave us cash in a card, some gave us home made gifts (including home grown onions). We got something from every guest and were very touched by all if it. Obviously it didn't matter whether it was an onion or a big list type gift. Just a lovely thought/symbol of us being a couple. I would have been hurt if we'd got nothing and I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding without some sort of present. Even if it was a plant or bottle of booze or cd if your favourite tracks or something. It's not really anything to do with the type of do (we did have a traditional wedding with sit down meal and free booze for whole day and eve but it definitely didn't feel like the gifts were some sort of ticket price. They were all typical of the givers).

I feel very for you.

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