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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about lack of wedding presents?

171 replies

pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 14:19

We didn't ask for any, to be fair, as we think that's rude. It was a very low-key and low-cost wedding, so people probably didn't feel they had to 'give something back'. But 5 presents when there were over 100 people there - is that normal these days?

OP posts:
NutcrackerFairy · 27/03/2015 16:07

This seems very strange to me.

But I could think of three possible options as to why this has occurred.

1] someone has organised a collection for you and all the guests [except perhaps the few who brought an actual gift] have contributed to this. Specifically I wondered have you had your honeymoon yet? Could a surprise have been booked for you by your guests? Could the gift still be forthcoming, i.e. an experience or something for your home?

2] Could those who gave cards have slipped some money in them? Has someone taken the money, most likely for safe keeping... but could it have been stolen?... hopefully not though.

3] Or someone has specifically told guests that gifts are not required... perhaps to make a donation to charity instead. Realise I may be grasping at straws with this last one.

Otherwise, it is just so strange for 95 people to attend a wedding and bring no gift at all, not even a token or £20 slipped in the card Confused

momb · 27/03/2015 16:08

It wasn't a bring your own buffet was it, where people bring desserts instead of a gift or something?
In that case I wouldn't expect people to bring a present too....
But YANBU to be a bit disappointed. We specified no gifts last year and still got loads of vouchers.

Dowser · 27/03/2015 16:10

Aw. That's not nice . A little something goes a long way to wish you well.
Can't believe they did that.

Atnelpoe · 27/03/2015 16:15

When we got married, we didn't have a list and we didn't ask for presents, and when people asked we said we'd rather have people's company than presents - but we still got presents/money/vouchers from basically everyone. So yes, I think it's pretty weird and YANBU.

Only think I can think of is that it was because it was low-key?

Atnelpoe · 27/03/2015 16:17

Ps what a mean bunch!

NeedABumChange · 27/03/2015 16:17

Have you both been married umpteen times before or been together a long time? I think that sometimes makes people lazier present wise.

NutcrackerFairy · 27/03/2015 16:17

Why do you not take a gift to weddings OnlyLovers?

Genuine question, I have never heard of this and thought 'etiquette' dictated that a gift [or small token at least] should be proferred when attending a wedding.

I just wondered is there reason you feel this way, and do you feel similarly for birthday parties or christenings, etc?

That said, I can understand that sometimes people may not feel able to afford a gift but then I think a card and small token would suffice. It is meant to be having the pleasure of your guest's company on your special day that's the important thing after all. And weddings can get expensive for guests, what with outfits and hair, travel and hotel expenses, possibly childcare expenses too.

rookiemere · 27/03/2015 16:18

That is a bit weird.
Have you been living together for a long time or is it a second marriage?

expatinscotland · 27/03/2015 16:20

'How informal was its! We're guests in jeans or ordinary coothes?'

What's it matter? It's still a wedding. I've been to outdoor weddings that were potluck BBQs, no mention of gifts, and still brought a card with at least £10 or so in it, as well as some food.

Abbey0134 · 27/03/2015 16:24

I was surprised by some people at both of my dd's weddings. Several people came along and brought nothing with them at all. And these were big formal affairs, church, transport to venue, sit down meal, free bar, band and dancing til midnight and an evening buffet.
I've never, ever been to a wedding without giving a present, either money or a gift, but there we are: 'nowt so queer as folk'!

PuppyMonkey · 27/03/2015 16:29

It is not only odd, it seems suspiciously odd that so many didn't bother. I could maybe understand 50 out of 100 but FIVE! Shock

I reckon you either know some very stingy people or somebody spread the word it was no gifts.

And those on this thread who routinely turn up at weddings without even a hint of a present, I'm giving you a very hard stare.

OnlyLovers · 27/03/2015 16:33

Nutcracker, I don't 'feel this way' about it in any strong sense and I didn't say I don't take presents to weddings like a blanket policy or anything Grin.

I've been to some and taken presents. I've been to others and not. If the invitation says 'We don't need presents' plus any variation on things like 'but we have a small gift list if you'd like' or 'but we have a honeymoon fund if you'd like to contribute', I tend to take that as 'you really don't need to give us a present'.

If the invitation doesn't say 'We don't want/need presents' then I'll take or give something.

If it was more of an informal thing like a weekend gathering, a register office then all back to the couple's place for drinks or whatever then I'd take a bottle and probably something nice to eat.

I don't know anyone who's had a huge wedding with really fancy catering/free bar etc. If I did go to an event like that I'd certainly give something.

prawnballs · 27/03/2015 16:38

Are you known to be quite stingy yourself Op?
not meaning to be rude, im just querying

tarashill · 27/03/2015 16:45

There isn't any excuse. Regardless of the type of wedding, whether low key or not you buy a gift or give money. Strange people.

workJack · 27/03/2015 16:45

I don't really understand wedding etiquette and wHen I was younger and went to an informal wedding, I might not have taken a present. I just wouldn't even have thought of it to be honest. Now though, of course I would.

OnlyLovers · 27/03/2015 16:46

Strange people.

Oh, pull your judgypants down a bit, will you?

Original poster
pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 16:47

That's quite all right, prawn balls Smile No, I wouldn't think so. I don't have a lot of money due to working in a charity job, but I do give people thoughtful gifts. DH has even less money, but he's always generous with his time and giving people lifts etc.

OP posts:
scalliondays · 27/03/2015 16:49

It's very odd. I'd always take a gift to a wedding. Probably I'd give a more expensive gift if it was a very 'posh do' or if I really liked the couple but I'd never go empty handed. If I had no money I'd still give a home made gift token for babysitting or doing their gardening or something useful.

Hulababy · 27/03/2015 16:52

I wouldn't turn up to any party/formal celebration - and imo a wedding is a formal celebration even if it is an informal gathering - without a gift and a card. I certainly wouldn't need a gift list to do so. At the very least I would have given a bottle of fizz.

I think it is pretty rude to turn up with no gift for a bride and groom, at a gathering specifically to celebrate them getting married.

My "wedding guests" didnt even see me get married - they saw a blessing, had a buffet and a party. There was no formal gift list - yet all brought cards and presents.

My sister also got married abroad and then had a party on getting home - so most people didn't see her marry either, they came for an evening party with buffet. Again - no formal gift list (thugh when people asked their parents for ideas, holiday vouchers were suggested if they wanted to give and had no other ideas) and everyone brought a gift and a card.

derxa · 27/03/2015 16:54

This is all beyond my comprehension. However I am quite 'old', married almost 30 years ago and had a very traditional Scottish farmers' wedding. I can't think of any excuse not to give someone a card with a tenner stuffed into it at least. The only excuse that could be OK is that your 'friends' are all on the breadline. What a bunch of utter sh*ts!

MiddleAgedandConfused · 27/03/2015 16:56

I know you are not supposed to be upset about something like this, but I know I would be. I agree with other posters that my house is full of memories from the gifts - large and small - that remind me of our wedding day. Some family friends bought us a spoon (yes - a spoon!) and it was a real joke at the time. But 17 years later it is one of the most used gifts we were given. It has its own pet name (not telling). So it is a shame you won't have the same.

bottleofbeer · 27/03/2015 17:15

Something similar happened at mine. You're absolutely not supposed to mention it but yeah it does feel shit.

BackforGood · 27/03/2015 17:22

I'm true;y amazed at the numbers, tbh.
I mean, if there were 100 guests, it's reasonable to assume a lot were couples, and maybe some even families, but you'd still expect 40 or more gifts, surely, even allowing for the odd person who wasn't able to afford something.
I too am old and got married over 20 years ago, but nobody didn't give anything at our wedding (well, there were a couple of collections - eg work colleagues, so they could have I suppose, but I doubt it).

GraysAnalogy · 27/03/2015 17:25

Jesus I couldn't turn up at a wedding without least sticking £20 in a card.

TheRealMaryMillington · 27/03/2015 17:27

I expect it is because you didn't ask for any. People are used to opening an invitation and getting an exhortation for cash or a John Lewis list.

I don't think it is because it was informal, it's not quid pro quo. Did you get some cards?

Actually we didn't ask for - or get - a whole ton of presents but then our closest friends were all v involved, making cakes, invitations, photographer, dj, babysitting, so that was their gifts, and very much appreciated.

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