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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about lack of wedding presents?

171 replies

pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 14:19

We didn't ask for any, to be fair, as we think that's rude. It was a very low-key and low-cost wedding, so people probably didn't feel they had to 'give something back'. But 5 presents when there were over 100 people there - is that normal these days?

OP posts:
soverylucky · 27/03/2015 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 27/03/2015 17:35

That does seem odd and rude to me. Some friends who recently married and had a low key wedding (about 30 at registry office and maybe 70 at an informal reception) hadn't asked for presents, they said people could donate to a charity if they wished, but I still got them a little something - a collage of photos of their little family in a frame, and a card. I couldn't go empty handed to a wedding!

TheAssassinsGuild · 27/03/2015 17:35

I think it is rude. It doesn't have to be big. It doesn't have to be expensive. But to give nothing at all is just rude. If I am invited to a birthday party or dinner (in someone's house or at a restaurant), I take a gift. If I am invited to dinner, I take a gift, usually wine, chocolates or flowers. The formality or otherwise of the occasion has nothing to do with it. I don't see why just because it is a wedding it's somehow OK to give nothing.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/03/2015 17:38

I think that's dreadful, OP. The guests who didn't bring a gift are ill-mannered. You don't attend weddings empty-handed, you just don't.

Our wedding was low-key

Molichite · 27/03/2015 17:40

It's odd and a bit off, unless they were all bringing food or something.

I wonder if one of your parents has fielded questions on what to get, and said no gifts thanks. Either that or the guests have all got together and decided amongst themselves that no registry number = no gifts please. Not normal IMO.

Have you opened the cards?

Original poster
pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 17:44

I was hoping not to feel greedy because I'm really not. I guess I'm just being a bit sensitive because I've been paying for the whole thing (even though it wasn't that much) on my own, with no help from DH, parents or PIL, and I just feel like everyone is counting on me to sort everything all the time and no one is helping much.

OP posts:
Original poster
pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 17:45

Wedding was 10 months ago btw.

OP posts:
derxa · 27/03/2015 17:49

I don't want to start a whole lot of irrelevant posts but is there something else bothering you OP?

tarashill · 27/03/2015 17:50

Oh, pull your judgypants down a bit, will you?
But it's alright for you to judge me. The whole thread is full of similar comments. What a strange remark.

prawnballs · 27/03/2015 17:56

Totally baffled Confused
You seem a lovely person pottingsoil Flowers

Original poster
pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 17:58

OK derxa, the whole wedding was a disappointment and I feel very lonely and unsupported about the whole thing, but it's difficult to put more than one aspect of it into a single AIBU.

OP posts:
haggardoldwitch · 27/03/2015 17:59

Are you sure there wasn't a collective present?

When we got married the BM got cash from our group of mates to buy a CD player was a long time ago, he then went off travelling with the cash.
We were a bit surprised not to receive any gifts from mates but didn't ponder until one friend asked us if we liked the gift. The whole thing was very embarrassing & we ended up writing thank you letters for a present we never received.

XiCi · 27/03/2015 18:02

The situation is so odd that its almost beyond the realms of possibility. For one or two people to not bring a present is understandable but for 95 out of 100 or 45 out of 50 couples, that is just weird. Who the hell doesn't bring a present to a wedding? Even people that I know have very little money brought a token gift to ours. I don't blame you for being upset OP.

Surely something must have happened for this to occur. I.e. They were told before the wedding by someone not to bring anything or you unwittingly left a bag of presents at the venue?

Original poster
pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 18:06

Maybe they just thought that because we're nice people who never ask for anything, we wouldn't mind?

OP posts:
Starpupil · 27/03/2015 18:10

I agree that it is unheard of for people not to bring a card or present. Usually a family member would be collecting all the presents in a safe place and give them to the bride and groom later/the next day/take them to their home if they are going away. The bride would not be responsible for collecting the presents.

Is there a possibility that the presents didn't get to you? I had a lot of money and cheques in cards at my wedding. People were amazingly generous and I didn't have a formal do as such.

Molichite · 27/03/2015 18:14

No, you don't bring gifts to bolshy people's weddings but not to nice ones. They surely must have talked to each other - did your parents give you a gift? Is it a 'controversial' match?

And is your DH not able to contribute to paying it off?

XiCi · 27/03/2015 18:14

I would be more likely to think that as you are nice people who never ask for anything that you deserve a lovely gift.

You said earlier Op that your DH hadn't noticed. Have you seriously not spoken about this? Surely he must realise that this is not normal. Is it possible that your DH told everyone not to bring anything?

Original poster
pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 18:20

Neither of our parents gave us a gift, but I just put that down to both of us being so close to our parents that they didn't need to. Do parents give gifts?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 27/03/2015 18:23

That does seem strange. Did you pay for the food. Only asking because nothing would surprise me these days. Yes I think it's strange people didn't bring a present.

specialsubject · 27/03/2015 18:26

why was the wedding a disappointment, OP?

not that it matters too much if the marriage is good.

MsCoconut · 27/03/2015 18:28

(Note to self: add buy wedding present for that wedding in April to this weekends to-do list)

Molichite · 27/03/2015 18:30

Well my parents helped us out financially with the wedding. Obviously you can never presume, but if my child was getting married and paying for it all themselves I'd definitely put some money in a card, at least.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 27/03/2015 18:41

Sorry to hear your wedding was a bit disappointing OP. And yes I do agree they could have, at the least, just brought a bottle of wine or something if, the reason for it was they were a bit skint; god, I do that when I go round someone's house for tea! And the thought that "it's not a real wedding is it" is ridiculous! You don't match the size of your present to your friends on the occasion of their wedding to the size of the "do" they put on for you as a guest - I can't believe people would really think like that, that's awful.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 27/03/2015 18:53

yanbu.
that's a poor show from your friends.

it's probably because you are a low key non grabby person but I totally get your disappointment.

I wish you and your new husband every happiness.
you sound lovely x

shirleybasseyslovechild · 27/03/2015 18:55

I'm astonished and a bit sad that people think it's a thing to match the cost of the gift to the size of the occasion