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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about lack of wedding presents?

171 replies

pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 14:19

We didn't ask for any, to be fair, as we think that's rude. It was a very low-key and low-cost wedding, so people probably didn't feel they had to 'give something back'. But 5 presents when there were over 100 people there - is that normal these days?

OP posts:
Original poster
pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 14:50

Yes, we got lots of cards. Probably from everyone there. Which is nice Smile

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 27/03/2015 14:54

Oh, how odd that everyone gave a card but only five gave presents. Even allowing for couples/groups, I would have thought that card-only people would be a minority.

MaidOfStars · 27/03/2015 14:55

Just checking: you didn't get money in cards?

misssmilla1 · 27/03/2015 14:57

If you got cards, then I don't think it's that weird, especially if you didn't ask / put out a specific list.

I don't really get why if you think it's rude to ask, why you're annoyed you didn't get any?

goodnessgraciousgouda · 27/03/2015 14:59

Did anyone ask you about what you wanted in advance?

I think for the type of event that you described I would have bought a card and maybe a bottle of champagne or something.

I wouldn't give the same sort of gift for a two hour affair as I would something that lasted all evening. It's not really a question of "formal vs casual" - e.g. I would give the same gift to someone who had an all day, all singing all dancing thing at the Ritz costing 50k, as I would someone who had an all day affair in a field with a BBQ, a ton of wine boxes on a table and someone's MP3 player attached to portable speakers, costing less than 1k.

Gifts tend to be proportional to the event you're attending.

I would say that to not get anything at all whatsoever is pretty bad form.

BackforGood · 27/03/2015 15:01

I do think that's odd too unless:

as MaidofStars asked, there is money in the cards?
or
25 of them clubbed together (say colleagues, or one extended family) to buy you something big ?

I do think it's odd not to take a gift if you are invited to any sort of party, unless you are specifically instructed not to, but somehow even more so at a wedding.

ErmICantThinkOfAName · 27/03/2015 15:02

YANBU. It's not something I've ever felt able to admit to on here before but we experienced much the same thing and I felt the same as you. We got married late afternoon with 60 guests. We fed them afterwards and the had approximately another 60 to the evening party. Sum total of gifts was 1 picture frame, a set of towels, some naice tumblers from John Lewis and £30 in cash. I knew before the wedding that most of our guests didn't have much money so we deliberately kept things as cheap as possible for them but I must admit that I did feel a bit disappointed.

WeAllHaveWings · 27/03/2015 15:03

Very unusual, I would think someone "inadvertently" had said something. Maybe you, dh, dm/mil, or a friend had said to someone not to make a big fuss as it was informal and Chinese whispers led to it being a "no presents" do.

Cant think why else as it isn't common practice to not give a gift at a wedding, is there a very close friend or relative you can ask discretely?

Original poster
pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 15:05

No money in the cards, no clubbing together for a big present - for the presents we did get, think bottle of champagne, case, set of candlesticks.
I'm not annoyed, just find it curious. DH couldn't care less and hasn't even noticed.

OP posts:
Original poster
pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 15:06

Case? Vase.

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DeliciousIrony · 27/03/2015 15:06

I suppose it must just be the informality of it, but I still think it's odd. I think it's fine to not give a gift if:

You've been told not to
You've already paid a lot in other wedding expenses, e.g. travelling a long distance
You've contibuted in some other way, e.g. providing food
You're totally broke

But I doubt these applied to all the other 95 guests.

PoppyBlossom · 27/03/2015 15:08

How informal was its! We're guests in jeans or ordinary coothes?

PoppyBlossom · 27/03/2015 15:09

*clothes

Gah this ipad update is winding me up

neighbourhoodwitch · 27/03/2015 15:09

sounds really mean. I'd have got you a gift

Original poster
pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 15:13

We didn't give them a dress code - I guess they were wearing what they would wear to dinner at a reasonably smart restaurant.

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LaurieFairyCake · 27/03/2015 15:16

That's very poor and impolite and fgs ErmIcantthinkofAName what happened at your wedding is dreadful - you invite and feed 120 people and you also half a dozen gifts Shock

Just dreadful for you both - there's no way people should have turned up without presents

LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 27/03/2015 15:17

We asked for no presents when we got married but asked if people would like to contribute to the children's charity my late MIL worked for that would be great.

We were really surprised at the family who didn't contribute anything, not a penny, nor gave a present.

I'm not grasping, otherwise I would have wanted lots and lots of extravagent presents, but I was surprised.

So yes I can see why you feel that way.

FinallyHere · 27/03/2015 15:22

Completely understand what you mean. When we got married, we were still in the midst of unpacking, trying to consolidate two households into one. Gifts were the last thing we felt needed.

(bear with me here, I'm getting to the point)

So we didn't mention gifts when sending invitations (shudder at the alternatives). If anyone asked, we said that the pleasure of their company at our wedding would be the best present they could give us.

Some, mostly but not only, complained v v loudly that they needed to give a present and we must make this easy for them. By this time, it was much, much too late to have a gift list, but Selfridges let us open an account where people could give us vouchers and we tell them what we would spend it on. We thanked people for their presents most sincerely, and were please to have the gifts, mostly cutlery and china.

However, and here is the point, a few people had made no fuss before the day, brought a present on the day: a vase, several in fact and other such. They are all lovely and every time I use them, i think of the givers and of the day and feel pure pleasure.

So, yes, YAVVNBU.

prawnballs · 27/03/2015 15:22

Its strange they didn't even give you a bottle of wine.
Have you been quite giving with your family/friends in the past? If not maybes its tit for tat - not nice though on someone's wedding day.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 27/03/2015 15:28

I wouldn't have brought a gift either because a, you didn't ask for any. b, I'm shit at buying presents.

I would've turned up with a card. With Money had you asked for it. If not, then it would be empty.

Fwiw your wedding sounded ace. The least amount of fuss.

Congratulations and Best wishes by the way xxxxx

Original poster
pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 15:32

Thank you Mrs, you and your card would have been very welcome.

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FluffyMcnuffy · 27/03/2015 15:52

Very very rude IMO to attend a wedding and not take a gift (unless specifically instructed not to). I do judge people who do this.

Disclaimer: it doesn't matter if the gift is inexpensive, it's the thought and etiquette that counts.

Hassled · 27/03/2015 16:00

5/100 does seem surprisingly low. Is it a second marriage for either or you? That might play a part. When DH and I married (my second marriage) we got presents from people we weren't really expecting presents from (was an Oxfam list), and didn't get presents from those you would have thought would buy something - PILs, siblings, etc. I put it down to the remarriage thing but was a bit baffled.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 27/03/2015 16:04

So its rude to ask for a gift, and even ruder to ask for money or vouchers.

It's also rude to say 'no gifts please' because that is presuming that people will bring gifts.

It's also rude to not take a gift, even if asked not to.

But it's not rude to buy someone a gift, even if they have said they don't want one due to not needing anything, or travelling overseas. Bride and Groom should be grateful to receive 20 hideous vases and photo frames that they don't want or need and have nowhere to put.

Have I got it right?

OnlyLovers · 27/03/2015 16:06

I've been to a few weddings and not given a present. As far as I can tell it has not affected my friendships with the people involved. Although of course they could be keeping it, along with all my other misdemeanours, on a spreadsheet.

FWIW if I got married I wouldn't ask for presents. I'd be pleased if anyone sent a card/brought a bottle (depending on what kind of 'do' it was), but wouldn't think it odd if no one gave anything.