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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about lack of wedding presents?

171 replies

pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 14:19

We didn't ask for any, to be fair, as we think that's rude. It was a very low-key and low-cost wedding, so people probably didn't feel they had to 'give something back'. But 5 presents when there were over 100 people there - is that normal these days?

OP posts:

derxa · 27/03/2015 18:56

pottingsoil Why don't you vent the whole thing out? I think that's the point of AIBU.

doublechocchip · 27/03/2015 18:56

With this few people bringing gifts id think the presents had been stolen. Like others have said a few people may have bought gifts but for that many not to is so strange.

There was a hotel near us (one of the most expensive venues in the area) where a couple of the staff were arrested as they had been stealing wedding cards/money and gifts. I bet it goes on a lot more than people think and sadly in some cases it may even be the guests who take things.

Floggingmolly · 27/03/2015 19:02

Why are you paying for the wedding entirely by yourself, with no help from your DH? That's fairly shit.

NutcrackerFairy · 27/03/2015 19:03

OP, I seriously think something has happened to money collected for a collective present [as per haggard's tale] or the money that was placed in cards.

It really is unheard of for 95 people out of 100 not to bring at least a small token gift or slip a tenner in a card.

I hope this isn't the case and it's horrible to think about... but could it be possible do you think?

Could someone you know have either stolen or sabotaged the gift giving in some way?

Jackieharris · 27/03/2015 19:04

Why was it a disappointment?

Why did you feel unsupported?

Is there something more to this like your family/friends not liking DP?

As a guide I usually try to match the value of a present to the cost of the meal/reception. £50 is a typical amount.

If it was a £5 per head buffet, no reception and over in 2 hours I would maybe just give a card as giving a £5 present seems a bit pointless.

But from your close friends and family surely you'd expect a 'proper' present, regardless of the cost of the wedding?

madreloco · 27/03/2015 19:21

Is it possible people brought money or gifts and took them back again? I mean, I wouldnt do that, but if there was a quick ceremony, a buffet plate and then bye see you later, some people might have thought...is that it? I'm not giving them fifty bucks, or whatever.

Original poster

pottingsoil · 27/03/2015 19:23

I would have liked a nicer wedding I guess, but as no one except me seemed to care, this is what we got. It was nice, but not one of the best days of my life. Maybe people felt the same and that's why they kept it low key.

OP posts:

roastednut · 27/03/2015 19:27

It does sound very odd op. I had a few people not give a card never mind a present (only a tiny few mind you) and our wedding was a big expensive formal do (not really my choice but won't go into that!). It did upset me a little afterwards, mainly because I wouldn't dream of doing that. However as time has gone I've forgotten about it.

That said, other disappointments from my wedding day are still upsetting 4 years later - family issues mainly. Hindsight is a great thing and oh how I would do things differently if I had my time again!

GirlsWhoWearGlasses · 27/03/2015 19:42

That's bizarre. Our wedding wasn't really a fancy affair, but we received some lovely presents and some very generous vouchers and cheques.

I have never been to any kind of wedding without a present.

I hope the marriage makes up for the wedding OP

Tizwailor · 27/03/2015 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Starpupil · 27/03/2015 19:51

It can't be anything to do with you not being liked or people disapproving of your dp if more than 100 people turned up. That is a big wedding compared to mine!

SueChef · 27/03/2015 19:56

Your DH is not supporting you to pay for the wedding?

Starlightbright1 · 27/03/2015 20:00

I can't get a grip on how informal? Was it a drink in the pub afterwards? A meal .. Was there a requirement for guests to pay anything.

I sent £20 to a friend because I couldn't make it to her wedding. So yes I find it strange.

You don't sound Bridezilla however words of you want to have a nice day and no one was bothered sounds like it?

You over all really don't sound happy and it doesn't sound like it is about the presents

ChampagneShowers · 27/03/2015 20:09

for you. I know how you feel. We had the opposite - high-key?! Big fancy wedding, and we didn't get many gifts either. I wasn't expecting grand gestures, but a small token would have been nice - I was really quite stunned at how many people came, got fed several times, and didn't bother with a gift. I would never ever go to a wedding without taking something.
Some didn't even give cards. At the same time though, some of our poorer friends DID make a huge effort (as in, gave more than we think they could afford). Makes you think.

CalleighDoodle · 27/03/2015 20:12

It DOES NOT MATTER how informal! It was a wedding! You take a gift to a wedding! Christ, you take a bottle of wine if invited round to someones home for drinks on a friday night!

I am wondering if you / someome else told people you weren't making a fuss which they took to mean no gifts. Yatotallynbu?

ChampagneShowers · 27/03/2015 20:12

P.S We didn't ask for anything either - I think that's rude.
But going to a wedding and not taking a gift - rude!

I think this is like an etiquette thing - people should just know!

Starpupil · 27/03/2015 20:13

Is there more to this op?

lomega · 27/03/2015 20:15

That does seem very low, as I'd expect people attending to at least give a card if nothing else. However, keep in mind why you got married. Was it to marry your beloved, or get presents? I can see why you're upset, but really, weddings shouldn't be about how much you get..

splodgeses · 27/03/2015 20:16

MiddleAges Spoon called "spanky"?

for pottingsoil

It is one of those things where you are supposed to just be grateful, but in reality it does upset a lot of people. Same as when family don't get a dc a Chrostmas present etc.

I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding without a gift. You are joining in with a celebration and it is kind to give at least a token gesture.

OhisHOME · 27/03/2015 20:16

Very strange YADNBU

Ragwort · 27/03/2015 20:22

Was it a first wedding for both of you? Sorry to be blunt but I have stopped taking gifts to second or third weddings. Not long ago we went to the second wedding of a friend of DH's (who asked him to be best man even though he'd been best man at the first wedding and seem miffed when he politely said 'no' ), We didn't take a gift and seem to have been cold shouldered ever since - but these were two wealthy people on their second (one on their third ) marriage and I honestly felt that any £50 worth of gift was just not necessary.

proudmummywife · 27/03/2015 20:31

Yanbu that's ridiculous I would not dream of going to any special occasion/event empty handed. My wedding guests were very kind it even covered my wedding costs I did not ask for money or gifts, Peole that weren't even at my wedding gave gifts

Andylion · 27/03/2015 20:33

Neither of our parents gave us a gift, but I just put that down to both of us being so close to our parents that they didn't need to. Do parents give gifts?

I would think so, unless they help may for the wedding? Did I miss that?

Flissypix · 27/03/2015 20:38

I went to a low key wedding a few years ago approx 50 people in a registry office and then to the brides mums for a quick bite to eat and a drink over in 2hrs as well. Only a handful of people brought gifts and cards. We put some money in a card but I think a lot of people didn't regard it as a 'proper' wedding so no gifts. I would't dream of turning up without a present personally.

Theycallmemellowjello · 27/03/2015 21:01

Hmm I have to say that I am with those who are suspecting foul play here. Would you possibly be able to bring yourself to ask a non-gift giver who you're close to? Someone you would have expected to bring something? I realise it's a bit weird but you could say something like 'as you know we didn't expect gifts and were delighted that you just made it to the wedding. But things were so hectic afterwards that we mixed up the presents and now I'm finally getting round to writing thank you cards. I just wanted to check if I owe you a thank you card.' I realise that's a bit lame and forced! Or alternatively could you enlist a friend to ask around. Also not knowing anything about your situation I'm hesitant to suggest this, but it isn't possible your husband who has no money and didn't notice the lack of presents nor take an interest in the wedding could have had a hand in it? (So sorry if this is a massive misrepresentation of him.) and to you, as others have mentioned you sound lovely op.

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