to be disappointed that I am having a girl?

[Bluebell84]

I have two DSs and I adore them. When I got pregnant again I was some excited, all I could think was me and my three sons.

I guess the rebel in me wanted to defy the notion that having a girl meant my family was 'complete'. the usual comments like 'if u r lucky it will be a girl' or 'third time lucky' was always hit back with 'but a third son will be lucky...'

I honestly love my sons so much.
we found out it is a girl.

I am devastated. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, never had sisters, have two close female friends (pretty shoddy after 30 years on this planet) and I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair doneZ

I feel like I am such a poor role model for a daughter. I didn't know what a clitoris was until I was in my 20s (strict religious home where waxing was seen as a sign of promiscuity) and was never taught girly things (my mother was not very maternal) and I feel completely at a loss as to what I am going to do with a little girl.

also my in laws want a daughter and I would hate to comply to their needs.

any advice will be lovely

im sorry youre feeling disappointed that your baby is female, but tbh, babies are much the same, children are much the same. You just get on with bringing them up into nice people.

Do you think maybe youre the only woman or girl that isnt into spas and shopping?
Having a vagina doesn't mean she is going to be any different to your boys than your boys are to each other.

Will you be freaked out if one of your sons prefers girly things?

You're a woman and you hate shopping, what makes you think your dd will enjoy it? Women and girls aren't all cupcakes clothes and Barbies, as you (and I, and millions of other women) prove. You seem to have very skewed idea of what being a girl and woman involves.

lildottie, I can see why you're so hurt by reading this. What you have been through is so heartbreaking and I am sorry. What a cruel time.

It is interesting to note that often "gender disappointment" is quite commonly associated with and keenly felt by people who have struggled with fertility. It's particularly marked sometimes in babies conceived by ivf. I don't know why this is but read some research which suggested it was because when fertility issues are experienced, the dream of having children becomes so much more poignant and then when reality hits, the dichotomy between the two is marked. I had a very good friend finally conceive through ivf and she found early pregnancy tough because she regretted getting pregnant, thought she'd made a mistake and was quite unwell for some time. Her counsellor told her how common it was. She desperately wanted that baby really but felt like she didn't to her very bones. The permutations of her particular feelings she was wholly unprepared for and ashamed of really. There is no countering that with a rational argument. You can only try and understand and find a way through it.

I am rambling again but my point is I suppose that we are hostages to our own psychology sometimes. What we know and what we feel are so at odds sometimes and I do think the way to feel less troubled by this is to be honest about it. That way it passes faster and you're less alone while it happens.

The OP was never asking if she was AIBU to be disappointed in having a girl really.

AIBU to feel terrified at repeating the mistakes my mother made?
AIBU to worry that because I had such a tough time with my own mother, I can't give my dd what she needs?
AIBU to be afraid for the children I have and love and know because I know what their grandparents are going to be like when they finally have a granddaughter?
AIBU to frightened of the unknown?
AIBU to feel dwarfed by the social conditioning rife in my family?

I can't help thinking that some people are ignoring the part where the OP talks about her bad relationship with her mother and her worries about being a poor role model for a daughter because of how she was raised.

The Op doesn't just want boys because she thinks girls are inferior, she had a difficult childhood herself and, understandably, has difficulties imagining raising a girl positively.

Yes, infertility is shite but bringing it here and telling the OP to get over herself is like going onto a thread about a broken leg and saying the poster should be grateful they aren't paralysed.

I understand your feelings - have a boy and my heart sank when I heard I was having a girl - I just loved my son so much I wanted another one and I felt apprehensive! Its just one of those strange reactions you get in pregnancy. You will love having a girl I promise - you will have a different and very special connection to your daughter- not better, just different.

Every child is a blessing. It makes me very sad that people prefer a certain sex.

Op thanks for getting back. You are not your parents, you will make sure ALL your children are treated equally, I am sure, and your dd will not have tge same relationship with you, as your mum had with you. This is an opportunity to do things differently, and set a new path .

grantaire I completely agree with you, and I realise that the op merely misconstrued what she was actually concerned about. I just think in such situations perspective is important. thank you for your post

devora I also agree with you. whatever any of us is going through there will always be someone worse off. and that is exactly the point I was making. and its important to remember things could always be worse. I often make sure I remind myself how lucky I am to have such a strong living dh through my journey, and I'd rather be in this with him than elsewhere without him. I will admit my post was not the most considered prose in the heat of the moment, but I stand by a child being a privilege, not a right. be they boy, girl, gay, straight, fat, thin tall short.....

Bub your post is on a par with the ridiculous boys are more loving though

I have boys and girls and they are what they are. I refuse to pidgin hope them or put any stereotypes on them all.

My dds love makeup and treatments and play rugby and like boys.

My dss like clothes, music, sport and girls.

Op you will be a wonderful mother to your dd just as you are to your dss.

You'll be amazed at yourself and her. I am not a girlie girl either. You feel you are in new territory being an experienced Mum to boys. Forget about your own relationships with female relatives. You are you. She is who she wants to be.

lildottie, you show amazing grace. I don't think there's a single person that blames you a jot for your reaction. If the ivf rules are better here, you're welcome to come and live in my cupboard? There are a lot of spiders in there, a broken bike, a few bags of miscellaneous crap and one half of a heck of lot of shoes.

The ivf postcode lottery is a bastard.

thanks grantaire x

Because you've not had a close relationship with your mum, part of you is still stuck in the mindset of a little girl, feeling angry and not wanting to conform. This is an opportunity to heal those feelings. When you see your daughter, you'll love her because she is yours. Your relationship will be unique. Nails and hairdos are just surface things. You'll find your way. I'll bet you'll be closer than you can imagine!
Congrats op

Hi OP. I freely admit that I have not read the whole thread but I three years ago was exactly in your position.

I had two awesome little boys and was certain that number three was going to be another boy. I had a terrible relationship with my mother, can't tie a half decent pony tail, no clue about how to dress well and love typically 'male' sports. It's not that I didn't like little girls ( my three nieces are amazing) it just I felt completely inadequate to raise a girl as frankly I don't think I'm doing a wonderful job of it myself and I don't want to pass these insecurities on by not having certain skills myself.

Of course I had a girl. From the day I found out (18 weeks) I used to play Bruno Mars 'just the way you are' on repeat in the car on the way to work. Not because I wasn't sure that I would love her but because I was terrified I would fail her.

So she is now two and a half and such a blessing and has perfectly completed our family . She is a rough and tumble , bossy little madam who looks like butter wouldn't melt angelic. She is perfect and whilst I still suck at pony tails I am getting the hang of slides and love picking out 'girls' clothes for special occasions to supplement her staples of t shirts and leggings. She has made me a better mum and helped me so much with my own preconceptions of what makes a 'good' woman. You are truly blessed. Lots of luck.

Didn't mean to sound condescending btw. Meant with the best intentions and just my humble opinion.

Good luck to you, lildottie

lildottie I am genuinely sorry for your pain this statement is disgraceful and not excusable "I haven't read through peoples responses but IMO you don't deserve this child. "

Op, if you come back to this (can't blame you if you dont) I can only echo what grantaire says so beautifully and eloquently.

You are not your parents or your in laws.

I'm of Asian descent too and when I found out I was expecting my first DS I was panicked. I worried that I couldn't bond or if I'd raise him into a inept individual like my parents did with my brother. I thought if I had a girl I'd know what to do and that we'd have a special bond and I'd be able to raise her in a way that would be so different to the way that my parents raised their daughters.

Now I have DS and his brother and I love them completely and hope I'm raising them as well as I can. If I have a DD in the future I'd worry how I'd parent her too and if I'd be like my parents. But in reality, I would love her and raise her no differently to her brothers, as an individual. I might be a little disappointed that the dynamic might change or that other family members would treat her differently but as a parent I would love and protect her and champion her. Just as with the boys.

The reality is always different to what you imagine it will be like when you're full of hormones. The issues you have with your family also are having an impact.

Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

I know I shouldn't post on threads like this, I know each and every persons problems are big to them.

Please be grateful for what you have. I lost my dd2 at 22 weeks in Jan. I would give anything to be back there worrying about if she was a boy or a girl, I'd even go as far as to say I wish I was able to be disappointed.

I know your feelings must come from your relationship with you mother and doubtless lots of other things but please, please take a minute to think, you may be devastated she's a girl but try to imagine how devastated you'd be if you lost her.

I'm really not trying to be unkind, just trying to give you a perspective.

Op i get it.

No guidance on how to be feminine from my mum which meant that I struggled to fit in as a kid.
I dreaded having a girl (have two now) because I was afraid that I wouldn't know how to teach them about periods (my mum's approach was shocking), make up because I don't wear it etc.

Although I agree with previous posters about gender stereotypes the fact is that some girls like the more traditional girlie stuff. I still have no idea how to help them with these things.

But, dd1 is as girlie as you could imagine. Has natural amazing dress sense and is not at all interested in rough and tumble (so very sick of princesses and fairies)
As she gets older friends will fill in the bits that i can't.
Dd2 who knows. She's too young but likes being dropped on the bed and tickled.

Even if your daughter is a spa /shopping /make up girl you will find a way.

Fwiw I LOVE having two girls now.

You sound scared.

My gut reaction was to think YABU but your background suggests why you see a girl as a bit of a foreign entity.

Thing is, you don't yet know what this new person will be like. Could be just like her older siblings. Or not. And you might have had a boy who was more girly than the common perception of a girl.

I'd say this is your chance to rewrite history and surprise yourself. If you don't, she'll obviously know how you feel - and suffer accordingly.