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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed that I am having a girl?

323 replies

Bluebell84 · 27/03/2015 14:12

I have two DSs and I adore them. When I got pregnant again I was some excited, all I could think was me and my three sons.

I guess the rebel in me wanted to defy the notion that having a girl meant my family was 'complete'. the usual comments like 'if u r lucky it will be a girl' or 'third time lucky' was always hit back with 'but a third son will be lucky...'

I honestly love my sons so much.
we found out it is a girl.

I am devastated. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, never had sisters, have two close female friends (pretty shoddy after 30 years on this planet) and I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair doneZ

I feel like I am such a poor role model for a daughter. I didn't know what a clitoris was until I was in my 20s (strict religious home where waxing was seen as a sign of promiscuity) and was never taught girly things (my mother was not very maternal) and I feel completely at a loss as to what I am going to do with a little girl.

also my in laws want a daughter and I would hate to comply to their needs.

any advice will be lovely

OP posts:
CunningCat · 27/03/2015 19:23

Kitty Flowers how dreadful for you.

LondonRocks · 27/03/2015 19:24

Flowers Kitty

Saltedcaramel2014 · 27/03/2015 19:25

I think it's good you're being honest about your feelings. I think the chances are you're going to have a lovely kid and you'll click and forget about gender , because you'll love them. But you're right to acknowledge that you have your own family issues (who doesn't) and that these may affect how you feel. Would you consider (if you can afford) some counselling to make steps in addressing those?

slightlyconfused85 · 27/03/2015 19:31

I've got a girl. She's awesome. Some days she dresses as a princess and insists on pink. She likes having her hair done and witters on about being pretty. She is also first to get caked in mud, run around like a mad thing, make holes in aforementioned princess clothing and play with toy garages 5 minutes after her toy babies. She is just a little person and she is the best. You'll love your girl as much as your boys Smile

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/03/2015 19:37

Bluebell, the fact that are worry so much about this now when she isn't born, shows that you love her more than you give yourself credit for.

I understand being scared of being your mother, but I guarantee you, you certainly are not.

With regards to your in laws. If they start demeaning your boys in favour of your DD, then remove all 3 children and tell them, if they cant treat them equally, then they get to see none of them. You'd be doing all your children a huge service.

glasgowlass · 27/03/2015 19:41

OP don't let your relationship (or lack of!) with your own mother define whether you will be a good mother to your DD. When she is here you will love and cherish her like you do your DSs.
You don't need to be 'girly' to be a mother to girls. My SIL is the least girly person on the planet. She has 4 DDs. Two of which are tomboys, 2 are all about all things pink & sparkly. She is an amazing mum to all 4!
I can understand your apprehension, I really can but I think that once you properly process the information you will look back and think that you were being hasty in saying you were 'devastated'.

Whilst I do understand I also feel that you are being very unreasonable. You're pregnant with your 3rd child. Your 3rd. Yet you're unhappy that your baby is female.
We tried for 8 long, hard years to have our first child. 8 years of disappointment, tears, failed fertility treatments, the self blame & feeling like a bloody failure. I would have given anything to be pregnant at all. Absolutely anything. Boy or girl. I wouldn't have cared. Eventually I got pregnant with DS1. It then took a further 4 years to get pregnant with DS2. The disappointment every month I didn't conceive didn't lessen with time. I had people saying to me "you got pregnant once, you can do it again" That was far from helpful. I'm going in to be steralised next week as I cant take the continual disappointment anymore. I can't do it emotionally. I just can't.
What I'm trying to say is just celebrate the fact that you are pregnant. It's something too many people take for granted.
Your DD will be loved. If she is girly, you will cope. You're NOT your mother.

almondcakes · 27/03/2015 19:42

Okay, I will give offer some advice OP (and I have drifted over here from the feminist section!)...

Firstly, very many children turn out rather like their parents. I have interests in certain things (Star Wars, musicals) and I have shared those interests with my children and unsurprisingly they share them. So if you are not a 'girly' sort of person, your children probably won't be either.

But what if your DD is that sort of person?

Well, you will find some other interest you have in common and bond over that.

It is a good thing for children and teens to have some aspects of their personality or interests that they don't share with parents, as it helps them develop independence and a sense of self as they grow up.

And you don't need to worry that you can't teach her these things. I understand where that worry is coming from as my mum couldn't teach those feminine things either. But things are different now. There are huge numbers of you tube personalities, bloggers and so on who young people can watch to learn about fashion, make up, shopping, cup cake baking and so on! As long as you show some interest and respect for whatever your DD is interested in because she likes it, it will be fine.

Of course you are a good role model. Nobody is an expert on everything or needs to be. As for only having two close female friends, I think you might be over estimating how many close friends other people have!

You and your DD will find your own way of relating to each other and loving each other. What happened with your own mother or your DD's feelings on nail varnish won't stand in the way of that.

maddening · 27/03/2015 19:45

Step back and logically address your fears - why would you act like your mum - the fact you are so aware of how much you don't want to behave like her most likely means you won't. My mum's mother was a bitch by all accounts, I haven't seen her since I was 2 as my mum went nc - don't remember her nor miss the relationship with her. I haven't had deep yearnings for her as a gm - if I think about it sure it would be lovely if she had been a good person and we had had a lovely relationship but she isn't and she was awful to my mum - who is lovely. She told me that she was determined to make sure we grew up knowing how much she loved us ( a lot! I feel truly loved) so just be determined to be the mum you would want to have had - love all of your children and enjoy them.

As for mil - yes it will be a battle - but forewarned is forearmed - set your boundaries now and do so fiercely.

And hey - won't it be good to break the cycle set by your mother - there is no logical reason that you will be like her and in situations where you have deep rooted feelings and emotions logic is the best fall back - when something impacts you logically the ability to step back, rationalise and form Logic will lead to more happiness than allowing the emotions to go on preventing you from moving on. So logically you are a nice, caring and loving mother who is bringing up her young sons to be beautiful people, you are really enjoying it and are executing a baby girl, who will be every bit as fantastic and loved as her big brothers. It will add a nice dynamic to your sons relationships with her - they get to have a brother and a sister and she'll have two amazing big brothers who adore her - it is going than. Yanbu for feeling however you feel - that is just how you feel. But YwouldBU to give too much credence to these feelings and not address this - if only to cast of the negative impact this has on your enjoyment of your pregnancy and your daughter's birth - it is good that you do recognise it but it is hard if these negative emotions regarding your relationship with your mother cloud your pregnancy and relationship with your baby.

KittyandTeal · 27/03/2015 19:46

Thanks.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I wish I had appreciated her while I had her rather than being scared (I was scared of having 2 but the op is obviously worried about raising a girl)

What has happened to me has been terrible but it has changed my perspective on life and what is important. I don't want to sound unkind or 'woe is me' but I want to share my new perspective. I wish I'd known before and appreciated how lucky I was.

Op maybe raising a girl won't come as naturally to you as raising a boy but if you care (which you obviously do) you'll do a decent job of it.

Charlie97 · 27/03/2015 19:47

Vabvvu! You should not have decided on a third child unless you were happy to accept either sex!

I hope your daughter never realises you were devastated by the fact she was a girl.

Liliuk · 27/03/2015 19:55

Rubbish........consider yourself lucky, some of us are having real problems...

Grantaire · 27/03/2015 20:03

Charlie97, there's a good chance the op didn't plan on a third child.

There are plenty of people who regret entire pregnancies due to the circumstances of conception, struggle with unplanned pregnancies or even planned ones, drown in postnatal depression, wishing they'd never had a baby. They are but a few examples of burdens our dc will never have to bear for us. A woman is allowed her feelings. This is a safe space in which to sound them. Implying that they should feel guilt from the baby itself is neither helpful nor understanding.

It's okay to have no personal experience of or understanding of somebody else's situation. This should not translate into the right to judge. I can see why many, many women might have a visceral reaction to the OP and that's normal and natural too. It serves no purpose to share the vehemence of that reaction. It won't change the feelings of a pregnant, hormonal woman and it will likely make the whole situation worse.

It's like me telling somebody who is depressed to buck the fuck up, what have you got to whinge about.

ErrWhat · 27/03/2015 20:04

Luliuk just because you have bigger problems doesn't mean that the OP can't be upset about hers. It's not a competition. Mumsnet would be very quiet if posters were only allowed to be upset about the the worst of problems. Confused

Enormouse · 27/03/2015 20:19

there are so many people who have respected the ops right to her feelings without judging.

kitty you sound lovely. I hope the future brings you happiness Flowers

LondonRocks · 27/03/2015 20:35

One thing - don't let your mother and the outlaws affect two generations of your family. Be strong. These are your children. Not theirs.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/03/2015 20:55

Luliuk. This is not a my problem is bigger than yours' competition. Yes you've got your problems as we all and I'm sorry but this thread is about OP
Did you not read op's initial post about her negative relationship with her mother of course she's going to anxious having a girl.
Charlie. Where did op say the child was planned

timewastingtime · 27/03/2015 20:59

"Rubbish........consider yourself lucky, some of us are having real problems..."

The world doesn't revolve around you, ya know? This is the OP's thread. Start your own if you need advice and support, don't snark in hers.

ShadowStone · 27/03/2015 21:45

I don't think gender disappointment is something you can control so i don't think it's unreasonable to have a preference, as long as it doesn't result in treating a child less favourably if its not the desired gender.

In this case I agree that the OP's feelings appear to be a result of the difficult relationship she's had with her mother and the attitudes of her in-laws. But, OP, you are not your mother. You aren't necessarily going to repeat the relationship you had with your mother. This is a chance for you to do it differently and build a good mother - daughter relationship.

And maybe your DD will like stereotypically girly stuff like shopping and spa days. Maybe she won't. But there's almost certainly going to be some common ground between her interests and yours, and things that you both enjoy doing together. Even if she is a very girly girl, you'll deal with it, and it won't be as daunting as it might seem now.

Original poster
Bluebell84 · 27/03/2015 22:08

thanks everyone, some lovely words of comfort and advice on here

thanks to allthenamesunisex?(sp??)....and many others who understand and have given me hope :)

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 27/03/2015 22:56

I actually know someone who had this same situation OP. It was all boys in the family and they were desperate to rain pink frills down on the first girl. My friend gave her a name more commonly (but not exclusively) given to boys, dressed her in her brothers hand-me-downs, just as she did with the baby before her, and rejected anything pink and sparkly. She was enrolled in football classes instead of baby ballet. Her family did not approve, but it's just a valid a path as the pink glittery one!

FlabbyMummy · 27/03/2015 23:01

Yabvu. I would love to be having a baby of either gender. You have issues

pollykinesis · 28/03/2015 03:42

You will be a GREAT role model to your little girl, and she might be just like you and hate shopping/love football. All you need to do is love her as much as you love your boys and learn from your relationship with your mum.

Mehitabel6 · 28/03/2015 06:57

I never understand gender disappointment - you start with a 50% chance of a girl or boy. With odds like that it is quite likely you won't get your choice.

Stinkersmum · 28/03/2015 07:29

GatoradeMeBitch I think that's so sad. Why couldn't she just let her daughter be?

ConfusedInBath · 28/03/2015 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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