to be disappointed that I am having a girl?

[Bluebell84]

I have two DSs and I adore them. When I got pregnant again I was some excited, all I could think was me and my three sons.

I guess the rebel in me wanted to defy the notion that having a girl meant my family was 'complete'. the usual comments like 'if u r lucky it will be a girl' or 'third time lucky' was always hit back with 'but a third son will be lucky...'

I honestly love my sons so much.
we found out it is a girl.

I am devastated. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, never had sisters, have two close female friends (pretty shoddy after 30 years on this planet) and I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair doneZ

I feel like I am such a poor role model for a daughter. I didn't know what a clitoris was until I was in my 20s (strict religious home where waxing was seen as a sign of promiscuity) and was never taught girly things (my mother was not very maternal) and I feel completely at a loss as to what I am going to do with a little girl.

also my in laws want a daughter and I would hate to comply to their needs.

any advice will be lovely

My DD loves Thomas and all things. She doesn't subscribe to the stereotype you describe and never will just as the boy in my DS class is happy to wear lipstick and dress up in girl's clothing. Having a daughter is wonderful and having a DS is wonderful too.

I have 2 sons and would do anything to have a daughter too but that's not going to happen now because of age, money, lack of space so yes you abvu

I hope all of you with non girly girls won't be too dissapointed if your DDs magically transform into 'girly' girls when they are older teens.

Best not to pigeon hole them too early.

Well the whole 'girly girl' thing in itself is bizarre. Growing up in the seventies was crap in many ways but at least we didn't have this constant 'this is what girls like/wear/do/look like shit' that so many people seem to buy into.

I was a bit worried about having a girl, not sure why, suppose I was a bit of a tomboy and never really 'got' girls. Girls are people though! And dd amazes me every day in every way. You'll be fine!

there is a whole lot of backstory mixed up in there. the one that stands out for me is the inlaws dd thing.. no wonder there are mixed feelings.

people have preferences for all sorts of reasons. people can be disappointed with what they get. does not mean they don't also know they are really lucky as well.

you are not your mother, nor your pils. you do not have to repeat their mistakes. your dd will be her own person too with her own likes and dislikes.

I think that by the time baby arrives and has settled into your family you will feel differently. ds was conceived immediately after a miscarriage so there were lots of mixed emotions around his birth. it took a while to work through those.

on the positive side, you know now though and have time to work through some of it before baby is born.

I feel a bit irritated with your post OP but as someone up thread said, you are allowed your feelings. Keep them to yourself though or in later years (when you're watching your dd captaining the school footie team and one of your dses wants to paint his nails for a lark) you may regret them.

This isn't about your children anyway. It's about your fear of being a bad role model. Being a good role model is about showing them how to be a decent person, not about buying into every stereotype out there. And as someone who once struggled with infertility, I actually do think its ok to remind OP she's lucky to have happy healthy kids (which she knows) because it might help put this issue in perspective a bit.

I do get that threAds like this will grate on those with fertility issues. I have been ttc myself for almost 2 years. Op created this thread for support not to be reminded of how lucky she is. She knows thAt.
Yes our fertility issues are sad but they're Also not op's fAult.
She hAsnt developed this feelings on purpose

Devastated that you are having a girl?
Walk a mile in my family's shoes. We lost ours - she died.

I am surprised you didn't get more of a mauling here on AIBU. Maybe start a new thread in Relationships so you can discuss your feelings because there is an obvious backstory.

Good luck anyway. I hope it all works out for you. X

JamNam I am very sorry about your DD - it is so sad but it doesn't mean the OP isn't 'allowed' to have worries about having a DD.

It would be wonderful if everyone could be 100% delighted and grateful for their DC for every second of the day but life's not like that.
It was clear from the thread title what this thread was about

jamnam i just can't begin to imagine your pain and am deeply sorry for your loss.

tara, no the thread title was "aibu to be disappointed that I'm having a girl" so without reading the op to see the wider aspect (and the questions the op should have asked) the answer is yes. it is the thread title which was insensitive to those like me struggling with infertility, to those like jam who have lost dcs, and to those dcs who were not their parents preferred gender. the op was wrong for forming her question the way she did so please don't justify the op saying it was clear from the title. I am truly sorry she finds herself concerned about her abilities to be a parent to her dd, and I hope she finds peace with her fears soon enough, but those of us who have walked in different shoes are entitled to have the opinion that she is bu based on the thread title you refer to.

I kind of get it... But you do seem quite upset that you're having a girl. I can understand people having a preference but maybe not to that extent. I have 2dds ( I'm not a girly girl and neither are they, they love their dolls and dresses but they love their wellies, playing with cars and digging for worms! ) Im expecting dc3 and while I would love to have a ds I can't imagine being disappointed at having a girl. Please be grateful that you are so fortunate to be able to have children and are expecting your 3rd precious baby, you (and I!) are very lucky :)

Yabu. I would love a little girl. My eldest son is desperate for a sister (he's 3 so not really old enough to understand gender not mattering and people not being able to have kids) I would be more than happy with another little boy, but I would love to give him a little sister.

Lildottie The OP knows she is 'lucky' to have two children and one on the way. She says exactly that in her third post.

What you are saying is that she shouldn't express any dissapointment that she is having a DD. I think that's really unfair and unkind. This forum is meant to be the type of place where posters should feel comfortable to air their struggles. There must be dozens of posts where parents express dissapointment in their children try reading the teenagers section

The OP asked for advice in her OP why can't you just give her constructive advice rather than just trying to make her feel worse. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with her but some of the posts on this thread are unpleasant.

The thread title is not insensitive in the slightest. It's a perfect summary of the OPs 'problem' and makes it easy for posters to hide or not read the thread if they think it will upset them.

lildottie I'm sorry that you are struggling with infertility. It must be very difficult for you.

Well I'm not going to pussy foot around. Get a grip!

You say you know you're lucky to have two healthy boys and a baby girl on her way but really have no idea how lucky you are. Not a clue. There's nothing I can say that'll change that unfortunately.

I would literally saw off my right arm to have one child of either sex. You've no idea.

And yy, I'll have her if you like?

And the OP wasn't 'expressing disappointment' she's saying she is devastated. There are lots of women on here who were devastated when they lost a child, who are devastated that they might never be a mother. Saying you're devastated because your healthy baby will be female is an insult to those women.

Havent had time to rtft sorry, but my two pence worth is this: I was very upset when I found out I was having a girl because I (perhaps like you OP?) was very anxious about all sorts of mother/daughter related things, also girls being vile to me in my teens, struggling to make female friends etc. It took several weeks after we found out (and, actually, a couple of conversations with the therapist I have seen on and off for years about my issues with my mum) to come to 'terms' with it.

DD is now 2. She is a joy beyond all joys. She would also be a joy beyond all joys if she was a DS.

Her little personality, everything she 'is', is just because of who she is, not because of her gender. She may turn out to love spas (Lord, I hope not, or at least I hope she doesn't intend to drag me to them with her) and shopping trips, or she may turn out to like football and cars, OR, heaven forfend, she may turn out to like shopping and football and cars and spas.

I love shopping, loathe spas. I like football, I love cricket. I love soppy romantic comedies and 'chick' lit. I love Ernest Hemingway. I love gossip magazines and The Guardian. I love shoes, I loathe having my nails done.

I'm not a girly girl, I was never a tomboy, I'm just me.

DD, I very much hope, will turn out just the same: a PERSON, who likes what she likes.

She told me this evening for the first time ever "love you mummy, you beautiful mummy" and I couldn't believe I was ever worried about bonding with her.

OP you are not your mother, your daughter isn't you.

Good luck and I v v much hope (and am sure) that in 2 years time you, like me, won't really believe you ever felt this way.

The OP has also said that she knows she will love her daughter. Do you really think she intended to insult people who are infertile or have suffered the loss of a child. I can see that using the word 'devastated' is a bit OTT - but its used in context of the 'sex' of the baby and NOT the baby itself.

She has asked for advise, it's a shame people can't be kinder.

Op, you are not your mother and you will be able to mother your daughter beautifully, I'm sure of it. Just remain aware of your past and possible negative emotions wher possible. Your dad will be lovely and will Fore her brothers, they will be sor proud of her sure.

bub or whatever your name was, can't be bothered to scroll up to find out, you sound biter and I'm afraid not like the sharpest tool in the shed. Your world seems so fantastically narrow it beggars belief. Some people have a gender preference fair enough, you sound like you hate 'girly' girls and their mothers. My dd wears a tutu now and then but is more athletic and brave than her older male cousin, who cares. You sound so sexist so have a . Maybe you should ask yourself why you hate the idea of girls so much bub is. It cause you don't like yourself?

Typo. Advice/advise

Ehhh.... *Your dad will be lovely and will Fore her brothers, they will be sor proud of her sure

Try again:
Your dd will be lovely gorgeous and will probably adore her brothers, they will be so proud and smitten with her I can imagine. I'm sure it will all work out and posting on mn shows that you want to deal with the underlying issues. Best of luck!

Tara I never said she shouldn't express her feelings. I said the way in which she titled it was wrong. and as coumarin said, her words were badly chosen. she wrote her title to get attention. she got it. some empathised with her, others didn't. its really quite simple.

Girls are fabulous. Personally I hate shopping, wearing make up/heels, getting my hair done, spas...anything deemed girly! Always prefered male company. My dd is doing really well considering and loves me dearly. She has many friends, boys and girls. She loves dinosaurs, lego, superheroes, animals, glitter and fairytales in equal measures! She makes me very proud.