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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be disappointed that I am having a girl?

323 replies

Bluebell84 · 27/03/2015 14:12

I have two DSs and I adore them. When I got pregnant again I was some excited, all I could think was me and my three sons.

I guess the rebel in me wanted to defy the notion that having a girl meant my family was 'complete'. the usual comments like 'if u r lucky it will be a girl' or 'third time lucky' was always hit back with 'but a third son will be lucky...'

I honestly love my sons so much.
we found out it is a girl.

I am devastated. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, never had sisters, have two close female friends (pretty shoddy after 30 years on this planet) and I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair doneZ

I feel like I am such a poor role model for a daughter. I didn't know what a clitoris was until I was in my 20s (strict religious home where waxing was seen as a sign of promiscuity) and was never taught girly things (my mother was not very maternal) and I feel completely at a loss as to what I am going to do with a little girl.

also my in laws want a daughter and I would hate to comply to their needs.

any advice will be lovely

OP posts:
divafever24 · 29/03/2015 08:18

Not all girls like shopping, spas and other "girly" activities. My dd loves dinosaurs, cars and wearing wellies all the time. Smile

littlejohnnydory · 29/03/2015 09:38

I was worried when dc2 turned out to be a girl. I had visions of a troop of boys. Plus I wanted to be very different from my own parents who had girls - and after a lifetime of Eating Disorders, problems with bitchy girls at school, etc, I worried for my girl's future. There was also the fact that I was expected to want a girl.

I've got 3 grls and a boy now. They're all great and I wouldn't have it any other way. You'll be fine and once dd is here, you won't remember what the worry was.

Spockster · 29/03/2015 09:50

Girls are amazing. So are boys! It will be wonderful for your DD to have 2 big brothers, and very, very positive for your sons to have a sister to teach them about girls and hopeful nurture them into feminists. Congratulations, you have a wonderful family.

toconclude · 29/03/2015 09:57

Rousette: my DS is now married (to a man) and changed the family name because they hyphenated theirs together...no guarantees :-)

Topseyt · 29/03/2015 10:41

I have three girls.

Eldest, quite into hair, makeup and clothes. Does seem to enjoy shopping sometimes. Is sensible with money though, and has never been to a spa. She is 20, fairly academic and at university.

Second daughter is much more of a tomboy in her outlook. She only likes shopping if she can go to look at xbox games, buy a new football etc. She wouldn't be seen dead wearing makeup, skirts, dresses or with her nails painted. I can't picture her ever being interested in spa days. She would far rather kick a football around with my neighbour's four boys. Not particularly academic. She is 16.

Youngest daughter is quite into makeup, clothes etc. She is also sporty and likes to play hockey, netball and football. Also quite academic. Will sometimes kick a football around with her 16 year old sister.

OP, you are entitled to your feelings, and brave to admit to them. Neither girls nor boys always conform to the stereotypes. You will be fine with your new daughter when she arrives. I'm sure your boys will be too.

You don't need some of the spite and vitriol that has been doled out at times on this thread.

sumoweeble · 29/03/2015 11:30

Hi Bluebell. I agree with Devora and others who are saying that your feelings here sound very clearly connected to past trauma. I'm so sorry you had such difficult experiences with your mother. I think it's great that you have been honest and non-defensive on here; you seem to have been able to distinguish the useful posts from the more angry/kneejerk ones. (Though maybe you are just not admitting how painful it is to read the more attacking posts because at some level you feel you deserve them?) I would consider booking some counselling sessions, especially if there is no one you can talk to honestly about this in real life. Good luck.

florentina1 · 29/03/2015 12:08

If it is any consolation I felt exactly the same for the same reasons. When my daughter was born the shock that she was not a boy stunned me. Stupid I know, I already had a son and just assumed that I would have another.

My daughter was so precious to me but I always worried that she would grow up to hate me. What I learnt from my mother was 'how not to be a mother'. I have two sons and a daughter, I have a different relationship with each of them, not based on their gender but on their personality. My daughter, who is now in her 40s paid me the best compliment ever, when she was expecting.

She hoped she could give her child the same upbringing as she and her brothers had.

History does not have to repeat itself. I hope this has been some comfort.

thejellyfox · 30/03/2015 19:28

My eldest DD does fencing as an after school club..she is bloody amazing at it aswell. You do girls a huge disservice in my opinion.

Grantaire · 30/03/2015 19:38

florentina, what a lovely post. Smile Sounds like you've done a brilliant job of raising your children and that is filtering down through your grandchildren too. How wonderful.

florentina1 · 31/03/2015 08:46

Thank you Grantaire. I guess my biggest achievement is in raising kids who, are prepared to forgive me for some of the bad decisions I made, for the millions of times I embarassed them, and for the terrible clothes I made them wear.

MarwoodsMate · 31/03/2015 09:18

Well I haven't RTFT the whole way through sorry. But, from your OP, I think YAB a wee bit irrational tbh. Why should you treat your DD any differently to yours DSs? She may be just like you and not into "girly" things. She may be transgender! Who knows? Could it be that your hormones are augmenting your anxiety? I know some people have a preference, but from your OP you seem more anxious than is reasonable imho. To me, worrying about having a girl because you anticipate she will be different to your DSs simply because she is female is U. Your DSs are probably different to one another in some ways no?

ifgrandmahadawilly · 31/03/2015 09:23

I think it can be very, very daunting to find out you're having a girl if you've never had a good mother / daughter relationship with your own mother or with other women. You just have no template for forming a positive bond with another female family member. It can also bring up bad memories from your own childhood experiences. I think also when you are having a child of the same sex you are under extra pressure to be a good role model and you become hypercritical of your own perceived failings as a woman. I think that's where your fear of not knowing about all the 'girly' stuff comes from.

That's how I felt before my daughter was born.

I don't really know what advice to give you because I genuinely think that once she is born you will realise that baby girls and baby boys really aren't very different and you anxieties will go away.

Good luck OP.

Girls are awesome.

Annahmolly · 31/03/2015 11:45

"I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair done"

Is this a joke? It reads like a post by some clueless chauvinist macho man who is about the become a father. YABVU. Girls are people. Multidimensional beings, just like boys. I recommend you join the facebook group "A Mighty Girl" for some inspiration.

On a more sympathetic note, when I found out my baby was a girl, I must admit I felt a bit worried. I know that it can be difficult to be female in this world and I want to protect her from stereotypes (yes, like the ones you are peddling above), sexism and violence. However, as a clued-up mother I am well placed to help her with stuff like this and do you know what? It is an absolute honour and privilege to be able to do this. Be the change you want to see and begin by treating your daughter as the amazing little human being she is. I am so lucky to be able to guide my beautiful daughther through life, and so are you!

MamaLazarou · 31/03/2015 11:52

Perhaps a girl is just what you need, OP, to educate you out of the sterotyped view you seem to have of women.

however · 31/03/2015 11:56

Best thing you can teach your girl is not to be bothered what others think. Especially not to the point where she'd want to give birth to a child of a specific gender just to stick it to the in-laws.

SenatusPopulusqueRomanorum · 31/03/2015 11:59

I haven't read the whole thread, OP, but I just wanted to tell you that I had many sleepless nights when I learnt that DC2 and DC3 were girls. I had always imagined myself with 3 boys, or perhaps 2 boys and 1 girl.

After a lot of deep thinking, I realised that it is because I don't have a good relationship with my own mother (she never understood me because I didn't conform to her view of what a girl should be). Also because I always wanted 4 DCs, but DH would never take the risk of having 3 DDs, whereas he might have been persuaded to try for a 4th if the gender balance had been reversed Sad.

I love my daughters, not any more or less than if they had been boys, and I am gradually becoming more confident about my abilities as a mother of girls.
And a 4th DC is out of question financially, so it would not have happened any way.

MonstrousRatbag · 31/03/2015 15:46

I have two DSs and I adore them

Well there you are. I bet you are a great mother to your sons. And that means you have all the skills you need to be a great mother to your daughter. She's going to be amazing.

HappydaysArehere · 31/03/2015 15:54

Girls are lovely. Think of those lovely dresses! Those dolls! Lovely hair! Then a "son is a son till he finds a wife. A daughter is a daughter all of your life." That is true.

Blueskybrightstar · 31/03/2015 16:07

Oh man, don't stereotype her, or define her so brutally by her gender. She will be awesome whatever she is. Personality and individuality is the important thing-she's as likely to like day spas as she is to become a bodybuilder. So just give her space to be who she is.

Strawberyshortcake · 01/04/2015 17:45

I don't get how anyone can be 'devastated' by the sex of their baby. Surely people know when they get pregnant that there's a 50-50 chance of having either a boy or a girl. There are people out there who would give their right arm to have either, u should count yourself lucky.

Grantaire · 02/04/2015 09:12

"son is a son till he finds a wife. A daughter is a daughter all of your life".

Can you explain what you mean by this Happy? When a man gets married what is he supposed to do. You have just effectively told the op, mother of two boys to count herself lucky because she's on a clock with the two adored children she already has. It is a way to set up an army of evil MILs though I suppose; tell them while their boys are babies that they must cling on while they can because an evil wench will steal their precious babies away. I must tell DH and his two brothers that frankly, they are letting their sex down. We see MIL all the time. Several times a week. We go there and stay at weekends, we go on holiday with them and we speak on the phone most days. DH's sister on the other hand has moved to the other side of the country. She is married to a woman though. Maybe that's the mitigating factor. Grin

Strawberryshortcake "I don't get how anyone can be 'devastated' by the sex of their baby. Surely people know when they get pregnant that there's a 50-50 chance of having either a boy or a girl. There are people out there who would give their right arm to have either, u should count yourself lucky." I'm not singling out you or your post as many other posters have expressed the same sentiments but you've included quite few of the common kneejerk reactions so I'm just going to respond to that in general terms iyswim.

You don't know how people can be devastated. You admit that freely. That's the crux of your problem. You haven't been there. You haven't experienced it. That doesn't make it untrue, any easier for the op to bear or worthy of other people's derision. When you read a thread and there are many people on it saying they've been there, many people acknowledging the real and mitigating factors in the op's own life which have meant she experiences the world the way she does, you accept that perhaps this is one area where you have no experience and nothing to offer.

Yes people when they get pregnant know they have a 50-50 chance of boy or girl. The occurrence of gender disappointment as they call it, is nothing to do with the logical, rational side of your brain. It blindsides people. It's like me wading onto a phobia thread and saying you do KNOW don't you that a piddly spider can't harm you at all? It is not a normal reaction and it's beyond the control of the person suffering.

There are people out there who would give their right arm to have a baby? Well yes of course there are. The op isn't one of those women or maybe she is. It's irrelevant. She has her own set of feelings. She is entitled to them. MN is big enough for everybody. You tell her to count herself lucky but who says she doesn't? A woman has room for more than one sentiment. She can know she is lucky to have a healthy baby but still be utterly at the mercy of a reaction she doesn't particularly want. As I said up thread, this sort of gender disappointment is surprisingly common in women with fertility problems, particularly with ivf. Women who have desperately wanted a baby, any baby and suddenly out of the blue this utter, consuming desperate disappointment attaches itself to the sex of the baby. It is nothing to do with rationality. I have said this time and again.

It is also worth noting that this is also a manifestation of antenatal depression for a lot of women. Even if you can't understand the disappointment in isolation, if you can understand depression then you should find it easier to not make disparaging, unhelpful comments filtered through your own pain. Unless you would tell a woman with postnatal depression to get the fuck over themselves, at least they have a baby, it's unfair to treat a pregnant, hormonal woman this way. I get it. I do. People have their own very real disappointments and they might be lifelong and debilitating. Stomping all over somebody's own troubles is not going to help either party though.

It would be lovely if MN was big enough (in both senses of the word) and supportive enough for everybody. I understand that AIBU doesn't allow for such a sentiment but perhaps we can acknowledge that the op chose the wrong topic and allow her an honest reaction and help her through it. There is nothing to gain from attacking her.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 02/04/2015 10:44

Ah, AIBU. Where it only takes a matter of moments after someone's first post for Grief Top Trumps to start.

No one person is responsible for any other person's fertility, or lack of it. Someone having a million 'unwanted' babies, or being disappointed over gender, or having an abortion, has absolutely no impact on someone else's fertility. There isn't a big pot of babies and the amount available is getting smaller.

All it does is make women who are quite often feeling desperate, alone or scared, feel even worse about themselves.

curlyweasel · 02/04/2015 10:54

Haven't rtwt, but maybe you need to change your thinking to disappointed you're not have a boy rather than that you are having a girl?

I was very disappointed when I found out DD (now 9) wasn't a boy. I had my heart set on a boy. My dad died when I was quite young and I am the youngest child in my family (none of my siblings have children). I wanted to carry on the family name (single parent). I didn't want a girl. I had an awful relationship with my mum and most females (all friends being predominantly male). I was, frankly, dreading it.

Then she came along. And all I can tell you is that I was completely and utterly bowled over and wrong, wrong, wrong in all of my thinking and fears. Your daughter will be as amazing and wonderful as your sons.

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