to be disappointed that I am having a girl?

[Bluebell84]

I have two DSs and I adore them. When I got pregnant again I was some excited, all I could think was me and my three sons.

I guess the rebel in me wanted to defy the notion that having a girl meant my family was 'complete'. the usual comments like 'if u r lucky it will be a girl' or 'third time lucky' was always hit back with 'but a third son will be lucky...'

I honestly love my sons so much.
we found out it is a girl.

I am devastated. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, never had sisters, have two close female friends (pretty shoddy after 30 years on this planet) and I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair doneZ

I feel like I am such a poor role model for a daughter. I didn't know what a clitoris was until I was in my 20s (strict religious home where waxing was seen as a sign of promiscuity) and was never taught girly things (my mother was not very maternal) and I feel completely at a loss as to what I am going to do with a little girl.

also my in laws want a daughter and I would hate to comply to their needs.

any advice will be lovely

No empathy whatsoever here. Sorry but years of infertility have hardened me to such 'troubles' as these. According to some on here that makes me a nasty horrible person, and not the OP who is 'devastated' to be having her third healthy child. Go figure.

why are our opinions less valid than those with children?

OP, don't worry about/focus on gender stereotypes. You have two children who you love and you're having a third. You have no idea what her personality and preferences will turn out to be. And being a good role model to your daughter will have nothing to do with liking shopping, nails and fashion. When she arrives, love her for who she is, just as you do your sons.

I'm not sure how it would be possible for the OP to have reworded the title?

I think it's very sad that some posters are being so unkind to the OP. The majority of posters seem to think that the OP is being unreasonable, as I believe, the OP already knows but most have also been able to be sympathetic and understanding even though they disagree.

Regardless of whatever sorrows I had suffered I don't think it would make me feel better to belittle other people and try and make them feel bad. It seems quite an unhealthy thing to do really. If I felt that way I would have just hidden the thread too.

The OP has explained the 'background' to her fears. They are her real concerns - she has grown up with a mother who didn't seem to like her very much - I cant imagine how that must feel.

Before I had my son (my eldest) I always wanted boys, never girls. I think because I'm not overly girly myself, I didn't think I'd be able to bond as well. Anyway, had my son and was absolutely ecstatic. I fell pregnant and right up until the 20 week scan I wanted another boy, and then the night before I had this feeling come over me that actually it was a girl I wanted. Don't know why. Cut a long story short, had a girl and really hope my next one is a girl as they're amazing! I just feel I clicked more with her than my son.

Tara look back to 18.17 yrlesterday where grantaire reworded it quite well.

If we were only allowed to start threads about problems that couldn't be trumped by others, then there would be no Mumsnet. I've already said upthread how absolutely agonising I found the many years it took me to start my family. I didn't achieve my first viable pregnancy till I was in my 40s, and then it was a high risk pregnancy, and I have had many worries about both my children.

There were moments when I struggled to keep my distress in check (like the time I burst into tears when my best friend announced her second pregnancy ). Most of the time, I was able to keep my chin up and cope when friends moaned about breastfeeding problems, sleepless nights, toddler tantrums etc. When I couldn't, I tried to withdraw. I wouldn't have gone on pregnancy and childbirth threads, and i wouldn't have joined a thread on gender disappointment.

To those of you who are suffering the pain of infertility or losing children - I really do feel for you. If OP was cornering you at a lunch party and insisting you listen to her problems, in full knowledge of what you have been going through, I would forgive you for wanting to lamp her. But being on this thread is entirely voluntary, and if it causes you pain you do not have to join it. You wouldn't pile in on a poster suffering post-natal depression who was having negative thoughts about her child, would you? OP has indicated some very real problems in her background - she is not being frivolous and she knows full well that she 'should' feel differently.

YABU, babies are babies at the end of the day.

Fwiw I was looking forward to doing all the typically 'girlie' things with my dd and she has so far (9yo) she has shown zero interest in any of them she likes nature, bugs, running and lego. I love her for the person she is not whether or not she wears dresses or wants to go shopping.

As others have said OP, do take some time to work these feelings through before your baby is born.

Your behaviour towards and relationship with your daughter will almost certainly not be locked into the same pattern as your mother and you. In fact, you sound very self aware.

Find a good counsellor. And congratulations on your pregnancy.

Personally I'm all for compassion. However, I feel that there are people in this world, and posters on these boards, who seem to look for problems when there aren't really any valid problems. Yes the op has mentioned issues with her dm and il's but don't we all have our crosses to bear? Are those sort of issues reason enough to announce on a public forum that you are devastated to be having a daughter? Obviously they are to the op, but then she has to except a reasonable amount of criticism for that.
For me, carrying a child would be the most longed for, wonderful thing. I have had my shit to go through. With my mother, with my in laws, in my life generally, haven't we all? I cannot imagine ever using these past issues as reason to berate my as yet unborn child on the Internet.
Should the op have not wanted a little girl, maybe she should have thought about contraception? If her issues are such that she knew she would feel devastation at conceiving a daughter then maybe a little forethought wouldn't have gone amiss? If that sound harsh it's not because I mean to be cruel, just sensible?

OP is not 'berating her unborn child'! And she isn't naming her on an unborn forum. She is using this space to anonymously share some difficult feelings that she probably feels completely unable to be honest about in RL. And the fact that some posters don't understand why she feels like this, when they don't, is irrelevant.

Many years ago I worked in pregnancy advisory clinics. I have come across women who were asking to terminate pregnancies - even planned pregnancies, even IVF pregnancies - for reasons that seemed, at the outset, trivial or bizarre. It is very easy to leap to condemnation, to say these problems aren't 'valid'. But usually, when you take time to listen and understand, something completely 'valid' is being worked through. Pregnancy is a vulnerable, emotional time, and issues that had seemed resolved - or at least kept in check - suddenly rear up.

It is just so, so pointless to tell someone that their feelings aren't valid.

We have three sons and I was happy to stick two fingers up at all.the 'fingers crossed for a girl' people too. But, you sound insightful and intelligent and I'm sure you will adore your daughter and avoid the mistakes your mumade. You are not your mum - you will be fine.

So if our opinions are irrelevant why post on mumsnet aibu? If you don't want to know the opinions of those of us on the infertility/conception boards then don't post on a public forum.

It seems that it is only deemed appropriate to have a view on this subject if you are a parent?

Personally I am not questioning the validity of the op's feelings. I am questioning the validity of this problem in the context of my own infertility. Surely that is the point of aibu, to gain a different perspective on an issue?

My point isn't that it isnt a valid topic for discussion (Sorry for the double negative, it's getting late). My point is that the sex of your unborn child is only valid in the context of the fertile.
In the land of the infertile, we don't have the luxury of worrying about such things.
In saying that I, myself, am not suggesting that the op should feel dreadful about being able to have a baby when I can't. I'm saying that she should perhaps consider her initial aibu question in my shoes. Hopefully that may make her feel better, no?
Also, I repeat my earlier point. If her issues are such that she is devastated at carrying a girl then she really should have considered this before now?

no one is saying the ops feelings aren't valid because our situation is worse! we're saying be grateful for what you have. none of us are saying your opinions are invalid because you have children, so why should we not voice our opinions because we don't! no one's saying you have to agree with us. the world would be dull if we all agreed.

Thanks tiz, there really should be a ticket/make to order system. Then none of us would have these problem.

People are saying "my situation is worse", therefore "why are you upset over something that I think is trivial?". This is about the OP and her feelings. Stop making it about something else e.g. me and my problems. Make your own thread!

Tink You have explained why you think the OP is unreasonable in an eloquent and sympathetic way. I see nothing wrong with that. Its the snarky unkind posts that I think are wrong.