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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed that I am having a girl?

323 replies

Bluebell84 · 27/03/2015 14:12

I have two DSs and I adore them. When I got pregnant again I was some excited, all I could think was me and my three sons.

I guess the rebel in me wanted to defy the notion that having a girl meant my family was 'complete'. the usual comments like 'if u r lucky it will be a girl' or 'third time lucky' was always hit back with 'but a third son will be lucky...'

I honestly love my sons so much.
we found out it is a girl.

I am devastated. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, never had sisters, have two close female friends (pretty shoddy after 30 years on this planet) and I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair doneZ

I feel like I am such a poor role model for a daughter. I didn't know what a clitoris was until I was in my 20s (strict religious home where waxing was seen as a sign of promiscuity) and was never taught girly things (my mother was not very maternal) and I feel completely at a loss as to what I am going to do with a little girl.

also my in laws want a daughter and I would hate to comply to their needs.

any advice will be lovely

OP posts:
CunningCat · 27/03/2015 17:18

Wine Rousette

WyrdByrd · 27/03/2015 17:18

there is something so beautiful watching little boys with their mummies, all adoring and affectionate (and that mum instantly appears all the more feminine/nurturing next to her little boy) and that to me is so much sweeter than seeing little girls dressed in tutus waltzing down the street with their smug looking mums

ODFOD Biscuit

formerbabe · 27/03/2015 17:19

I have a boy and girl...I adore them equally and you will too op.

By the way, whilst I'm not a fan of gender stereotyping, the constant chorus on here of mums saying their DDS are into climbing trees and football gets rather tiresome. Girls are allowed to like shopping and dolls and pink...it doesn't make them any less of a person.

Roussette · 27/03/2015 17:20

Don't mind if I do CunningCat Cheers!

Hakluyt · 27/03/2015 17:21

Jesus. And they say that feminism's work is done.

squoosh · 27/03/2015 17:22

Girls are allowed to like shopping and dolls and pink...it doesn't make them any less of a person.

Exactly.

And making 'perfume' in jam jars with rose petals and tap water and then flogging it to the neighbours for a tidy profit. Perceived girlie pursuits shouldn't be thought of as empty headed pursuits.

Only1scoop · 27/03/2015 17:25

Wyrd....

My sentiments exactly

I've just read that earlier post.

Vomit inducing

Devora · 27/03/2015 17:25

I DID want girls. I am a radical feminist lesbian - pink tutus wasn't really where I was at Grin

I'm thrilled with my girls. And through parenting them, I have been able to work through so many of my own issues around gender, and actually uncovered a new level of tenderness and appreciation of little boys.

Whatever you're sent, you can use parenting as an opportunity for healing and learning and growth. Or you can use it as an opportunity to close your mind to anything outside of your own experience and needs and preferences. Much as the rest of life, really.

Italiangreyhound · 27/03/2015 17:26

Girls are amazing and so are boys. Try and remember it is a baby you are carrying not a full fledged teenage girl who is going to appear and demand you do her nails!

It will be fine Just remember each child is as precious as the other, boy or girl, destiny is not determined by what is in your nappy and you will bind just fine if you let some of these stereotypes go and remember she is your child.

Italiangreyhound · 27/03/2015 17:27

bond!! not bind.

lildottie · 27/03/2015 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CunningCat · 27/03/2015 17:35

Yes lildottie, this must be very upsetting for you and I agree with youFlowers

EmmandKids · 27/03/2015 17:35

I usually find a lot of women want little girls and are actually disappointed with little boys. I have two boys and one girl and whilst I love all my children dearly I will honestly admit that if I hadn't of had at least one girl I would of felt disappointed. I love boys so would of been happy to have, say five or six boys, as long as somewhere down the line I got my little girl. I had my son first then had my daughter and then went on to have another boy so I consider myself lucky as that's exactly what I wanted.

Only1scoop · 27/03/2015 17:37

Emma that's very honest. I think many women feel like that but wouldn't want to admit it.

Devora · 27/03/2015 17:37

And one of the things that has been interesting has been the different relationship of my two to their femininity. dd1 is the one that loved dinosaurs and trains and bug hunts. Not that she rejected traditional girly things - a favourite game was My LIttle Pony vs the T-Rex - but she enjoyed a really wide range of games and has had great friendships with both girls and boys.

I used to congratulate myself on how well I had done in raising such a well-rounded child Hmm

dd2, still only 5, has been obsessed from dot with pink, make-up, and shoes. She is not a twee or prissy child - far from it, think Boadicea in petticoats. She is intensely interested in her physical appearance: she likes to look in the mirror and pronounce, 'Every day I am getting beautifuller and beautifuller". She has started telling me about the 'hot boys' in reception Hmm - she is NOT getting this from home.

I guess I could spin a narrative about how each of them was just 'born that way'. I guess I could see her as acting out a strong differentiation from her lesbian mothers. I could decide this is all about her need to assert a normative identity (she is adopted, with an 'alternative' family, one of the few black children in her school). But I'm inclined not to leap to the first narrative that appeals to me - in fact, I'm inclined not to form any kind of conclusions about what these early negotiations with feminine identity mean, now or in the future. I feel I am watching, and waiting, and learning alongside her and from her. I realise I'm sounding very hippyish (and I'm actually not a hippyish person AT ALL) but I think parents can be so quick to make their minds up about what their children 'are', particularly when it comes to gender identity. I don't want to do that.

CunningCat · 27/03/2015 17:38

It is one thing to have a preference and quite another to state you are devastated one the sex of your child.

Only1scoop · 27/03/2015 17:39

Lildottie

Hurtful reading this....I can see why.

Upsetting for you....I can see where you are coming from.

AIBU probably wasn't the greatest place for this post to be honest.

squoosh · 27/03/2015 17:39

'Every day I am getting beautifuller and beautifuller"

Healthy ego on that child! Grin

Devora · 27/03/2015 17:41

lildottie, I don't agree with you. And I say that knowing how much pain you are in; I have been there, I do understand. Your reaction is very human, but makes as much sense as someone then trumping you with your first world problems compared to somebody in the Congo whose children are all dead... When do we stop trumping each other? The OP has expressed her pain and vulnerability on this thread and deserves our compassion. If you are in so much pain you can't offer that, maybe stay away from the thread?

But I do wish you all the best. It took me many, many years to get my children and the psychological pain I endured in those years was devastating.

CunningCat · 27/03/2015 17:41

Beautifuller Grin how utterly cute

Devora · 27/03/2015 17:43

squoosh, she once pointed to a picture of Beyonce and said, "That lady looks like me!" [Pause] "She must be happy."

squoosh · 27/03/2015 17:45
Grin

She sounds amazing. I hope her self esteem is always at such giddy heights!

WayfaringStranger · 27/03/2015 17:46

I know that the topic of gender disappointment always causes a ruckus on MN but I think some posters have been particularly cruel. Bluebell made it clear that her anxieties and yes, her devastation, stem from a difficult relationship with her mothers and the despicable way her ILs behave. She sounded scared and worried. You don't have to be an arse just because it's AIBU and just because you disagree. Hmm

alwaysstaytoolong · 27/03/2015 17:50

Infertility is heartbreaking I know but children are sentient beings in their own right. I find it very odd and more than a little disturbing when they are spoken of as 'something' that can be 'deserved' or not.

And having children is neither a privilege nor a right.

myredcardigan · 27/03/2015 17:55

This isn't a nice thread at all. Lack if support for the OP and then sickly bullshit about how cute and adorable little boys look with their mummies or how the OP shouldn't worry cause she might have a boyish girl. Without realising that it's not at all that she doesn't want a daughter but rather that she's frightened about parenting a daughter and that is clouding her judgment.
In the past, I've seen women post how they can't cope with the idea that they're expecting a son. They then disclose that they're a sexual abuse survivor. Queue lots of sympathy and understanding. This OP just needed something similar.