to be disappointed that I am having a girl?

[Bluebell84]

I have two DSs and I adore them. When I got pregnant again I was some excited, all I could think was me and my three sons.

I guess the rebel in me wanted to defy the notion that having a girl meant my family was 'complete'. the usual comments like 'if u r lucky it will be a girl' or 'third time lucky' was always hit back with 'but a third son will be lucky...'

I honestly love my sons so much.
we found out it is a girl.

I am devastated. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, never had sisters, have two close female friends (pretty shoddy after 30 years on this planet) and I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair doneZ

I feel like I am such a poor role model for a daughter. I didn't know what a clitoris was until I was in my 20s (strict religious home where waxing was seen as a sign of promiscuity) and was never taught girly things (my mother was not very maternal) and I feel completely at a loss as to what I am going to do with a little girl.

also my in laws want a daughter and I would hate to comply to their needs.

any advice will be lovely

BathtimeFunkster I laughed out loud at the office. Are you proud now?

A group of mostly women is likely to be irked at a post by a woman that characterises all women (other than herself) as shallow and obsessed with grooming and shopping

Op just sounds totally naieve and silly

And yes my DD loves spiders, football, and princess dresses and I do not box her or talk about boys stuff or girls stuff, or toys or likes. she simply is who she is.

Wow, there's a lot of nastiness on this thread!

OP, I can completely understand your points. When I was pregnant recently I posted on here about the guilt I was feeling because I was desperate for a girl, having already had a DS. As previous posters have said, I got tonnes of support and really friendly, helpful advice so I think a lot of people's issue here is actually that you are bucking the "norm" of women wanting girls. I was incredibly lucky to go on to have a girl but by that time I had just begun to imagine the baby as a boy and oddly, now I know I won't have more children, feel bereft of the son I didn't have, if that makes sense.

Maybe your daughter will be just like you, maybe she'll be the girliest girl that ever graced the planet but you'll think she's marvellous either way. Maybe if she were to be a girly girl, it would push your boundaries and encourage you to try things you would never have even considered before, and how great is that?! Your daughter will open up a whole new world to you and give you a different perspective of parenting. She's a gift from the universe and and the universe wanted her to be a girl, she's meant to be what she is, embrace that.

Don't be hard on yourself though, boys are bloody awesome, I don't blame you for wanting another!

Because myredcardigan the OP asked if she was being unreasonable for being disappointed, nay, devastated she was having a girl. And some of us this yes, she is and have our reasons why. Seriously, why do you have such a problem with someone differing in opinion to you?

It is AIBU after all

Disclaimer - I am well aware that there are girly girls and non girly girls.

same as with masculine type boys and non masculine type boys.

I just meant it's not that hard to do girly stuff if the girl tends to be girly. if not then take her to the footie with you.

I think a lot of people's issue here is actually that you are bucking the "norm" of women wanting girls.

Since when is this the norm? If it's the norm well then it's a tiny pocket of norm in a world that still by and large favours sons.

Ofa - I am a bit, yes

Op just sounds totally naieve and silly

OP sounds like she has some serious childhood and societal baggage that needs unpacking.

I am the least girly girl I know, with the pinkest princess girly girl DD you could imagine (she would make the anti pink brigade on here have night terrors!!) It doesn't matter, I indulge her and get involved in the things that she wants to do, even if its the total opposite of the things I want/know about/enjoy... its just what you do as a parent. My DH regularly goes to work with badly painted nails, as she enjoys playing with the stuff. Its really not a big deal op.
I don't much enjoy talking about skylanders but I can manage to a full hour of conversation about it with DS1 when needs must. Or blowing strawberries at DD2 or playing car with DS2... though he is often covered in makeup and nail varnish too tbh.

Parenting boys and girls is the same, in essence. Try not to worry op, just enjoy your children for who they are :)

Well next thread like this I'm going to nick Grantaires It's ok to feel grief for the boy/girl you imagined. Then celebrate the boy/girl you are going to have and pretend I thought of it

I've never known a norm of wanting girls... or boys for that matter.

The only experience I've had of this was that Large family programme with the couple with about 15 daughters (who all seemed quite girly!) and then they had a son. Poor bloke living with all those girls!

MN is an eye opener to me sometimes, I just don't know about this desperation for one sex.

Either do I Rousette.

Back in Victorian/Edwardian times sometimes little boys were dressed as little girls with lace white dresses, ribbons in hair, long curly hair - my grandad was dressed as one and we have a photo to prove it.

maybe OP you could dress your girl in a Sailor suit?

Bathtime .

It's true though, there's nothing wrong with being 'girly', just as there's nothing wrong with the opposite, but we tend to associate negative traits with 'girly' like being weak, vacuous and superficial.
And, surprise surprise, positive traits are associated with boys (active, confident, inquisitive, practical). What about emotional intelligence, maturity, empathy?

All of these things are qualities that anyone can have; shes not here yet OP, so try and see her as a soon-to-be person, rather than a sex.

I don't much enjoy talking about skylanders but I can manage to a full hour of conversation about it with DS1

Is that because you only have to pretend to be listening while he witters on and on?

I've forgotten more about Skylanders than I ever knew about most things.

MisterD - what I'm saying is that I grew up loving books and Sindy's. (a pretty gentle soul - like many boys or girls) I didn't 'get' boys running around playing British Bulldog in the playground (or the one or two girls who occasionally joined in).

In an ideal world, of course there is no delineation between boy things an girl things, but there are characteristics which, rightly or wrong are more associated with one gender.
My DD had no interest in cars. My DS is obsessed. I have no interest in cars, but I have become interested because my son loves them so much. I also have not much interest in his bunny collection but love watching him with them.
Treating your DC as individuals is the best thing. My DD is a very wicked ice hockey player who plays dirty but wears a bright pink helmet! I think they are both perfect mixes of exactly who they need to be.
I think I was trying (obviously ham-fistedly) to say exactly what you told me off for!

My problem is that from the OP, it is very clear that a dysfunctional upbringing and relationship with inlaws means that the op is extremely worried about mothering a daughter. It's not as if she's said, 'I can't be bothered with vaginas and all that crap.' She needs support to help her see it will be ok. Not told she should shut up and be bloody grateful.

Bath I take serious offence to that!!

(please don't tell my son the truth )

And I have 2 of each so no agenda and I've never experienced disappointment or worry over the sex of my children but I can still empathise with the obvious worry the op feels.

I had a DD after 2 boys. I still don't understand her as well as the boys but we get along just fine :)

It really IS ok to be disappointed. I desperately wanted girls, and worried for a long time that I shouldn't have children at all because I was worried about my reaction if I had a boy.

Then I had a lightbulb moment - obvious to everyone else, but it wasn't to me - that all I was doing was projecting my assumptions about what parenting girls and boys means, and those were entirely my assumptions and based on the kind of stereotypes I've spent a lifetime battling. Also: that loads of us have a gender preference, and that's nothing to feel guilty about: just remember that Nature had other plans. You will get the child you get, and you will love that child, and in time you will believe that that was the only child you were ever meant to have.

Incidentally, I ended up having two girls. Their interests so far have included: dinosaurs, volcanoes, gymnastics, street dance, skateboards... The oldest, in particular, has always had close friends who are boys, and through getting to know them I have realised that my fears around parenting boys were a load of nonsense really. Girls are fab, so are boys

Throughthickandthin - Your comparisons are frankly bizarre.

SITUATION ONE:

A person has two sons. They find out they are pregnant with a daughter and are - not just disappointed, but DEVASTATED, because she doesn't like spa's or make up . She exclusively wants boys.

SITUATION TWO:

A person already has two sons, and really wants a daughter. She is disappointed when she finds out she has another son.

If you can't see the difference here it is: One person specifically ONLY wants one sex baby because they don't consider girls as good as boys. The other person already has two sons, and really wants the experience of having a daughter IN ADDITION to the sons she already has.

There is a pronounced difference between saying "I ONLY WANT X" and saying "I already have X and I would really want to have Y as well".

I'll add to that: my eldest is my biological child, the younger is adopted. It pains me to say it, but I really do 'get' the oldest more - she is SO like me. The youngest is very, very different to me - it's surprised me how much; I guess I thought that nurture would have a stronger influence.

But you know what, either way is good. I love them both with a passion. There is something lovely about having a child with interests and reactions very similar to yours, someone who reminds you of yourself at that age - but there's downsides to that too (sometimes the parts of me she reflects are not the parts I like about myself). And it is fascinating to have a child who approaches life differently from me, who I am learning so much from, who is sussed in ways I probably never will be. They're both great, and different, and great in different ways.

I'm sorry your relationship with your mother was damaging. But your relationship with your daughter doesn't have to reflect that, it is also an opportunity for healing and moving on.

I've got 2 girls, though one is a baby. We're delighted to have both of them. When DD1 arrived we tried not to dress her in pink, but gifts and hand-me-downs arrived. DD1 is now 4 and into all things "girlie". I think her attitude to toys (splitting them into boys & girls) comes from other children at nursery. The girlieness doesn't appear at birth, babies aren't particularly gendered. I'd say you get at least 2 years to fall in love with your DD before she starts showing any sign of girlieness. By which point you'll adore her as much as you do your DSs. So you will embrace whatever she loves as an extension of her.