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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be disappointed that I am having a girl?

323 replies

Bluebell84 · 27/03/2015 14:12

I have two DSs and I adore them. When I got pregnant again I was some excited, all I could think was me and my three sons.

I guess the rebel in me wanted to defy the notion that having a girl meant my family was 'complete'. the usual comments like 'if u r lucky it will be a girl' or 'third time lucky' was always hit back with 'but a third son will be lucky...'

I honestly love my sons so much.
we found out it is a girl.

I am devastated. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, never had sisters, have two close female friends (pretty shoddy after 30 years on this planet) and I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair doneZ

I feel like I am such a poor role model for a daughter. I didn't know what a clitoris was until I was in my 20s (strict religious home where waxing was seen as a sign of promiscuity) and was never taught girly things (my mother was not very maternal) and I feel completely at a loss as to what I am going to do with a little girl.

also my in laws want a daughter and I would hate to comply to their needs.

any advice will be lovely

OP posts:

squoosh · 27/03/2015 14:40

Strong independent free thinkers might like the odd day at a spa. It doesn't have to be one thing or the other.

lemonyone · 27/03/2015 14:42

Ah, Bluebell84 - I think I've just realised what your problem is.

I had a lean over your shoulder and noticed you are reading "How to Parent Girls like a Kardashian".

I would probably put that book down and step away from it.

grannytomine · 27/03/2015 14:43

I so sympathise, I had two boys followed by a girl then another boy. All through my third pregnancy I had the hope its a girl, maybe you will be lucky and have a girl this time. I felt so insulted on behalf of my sons. I ended up with an emergency C section and found out I had a girl as I started to wake up being wheeled back to the ward and the theatre midwife was telling the ward midwife that it was lovely, I had two boys and now a girl. A very grumpy me said, "I don't have girls." She said, "Oh no, you have a lovely little girl." I said, "No I don't." She got the message and said maybe she got it wrong.

I did get used to the idea but I hated to admit it. We are really close and laugh about my initial reaction.

WyrdByrd · 27/03/2015 14:44

I don't have a close relationship with my mother

My Dad's own father died when he was just 2.5 so he never had a role model for parenting - he's the best dad I could wish for and one of my favourite people in the world, so please don't worry about that side of it.

When you had your first DS, you didn't know what to expect of being a mum, but you managed and you love him and your subsequent DS. Having a girl might feel like it's out of your comfort zone now but you will adapt and love her too.

It also won't necessarily be that different from having boys - my DD is a footy season ticket holder, plays basketball and wants to work in computer security/forensics when she grows up. She's also asked for a Nerf gun or bow and arrow instead of an Easter egg - hardly pink and princessy (although we did that too when she was younger).

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/03/2015 14:45

You feel what you feel. I guess.
Lots of people would assume after having 2 boys you'd be despArate for a girl but it's not always the case. As you're used to that gender and know how they work.
I remrmber having a conversation with a pregnant mum at my dd schools. She already had 3 boys and I said. Are you hoping for s girl this time and said. "No I want a boy. I'd rather stick with what I know, now
Oh congratulations

BathtimeFunkster · 27/03/2015 14:45

2 Dd and wanted a third but I love my DS so much I wish I had three boys!

Wow.

Your son has made you wish you hadn't had your daughters?

Jesus.

That's your reassurance for the OP? That she might come to regret her son's?

HesterBlue · 27/03/2015 14:46

Hi there, I appreciate its a surprise to you to be having a girl but try not to let your preconceptions of what she will be like spoil your anticipation of her arrival. She may not turn out to like any of the stereotyped things you describe. I don't! Neither does my Mum, so funnily enough she didn't do those sorts of outings with me when I was growing up. Your DD may well look up to her older brothers and want to be just like them, and do what they do. If you keep toys and clothes of theirs to pass on to her she'll end up with a wide range of stuff to choose from too. It doesn't have to be girly activities all the way!

I'm not sure why you think you'll be a poor role model for your DD? If your own relationship with your mother is an issue for you maybe it would be good to take some time to think this through or speak to someone about it before your DD arrives?

Tinkfromlovejoy · 27/03/2015 14:47

I'll have her!!

Grantaire · 27/03/2015 14:48

Bless you ThroughThickandThin for picking out one bit of my inane waffle and blethering on and calling it concise. I will be concise one day. I WILL.

Stinkers, the material point is that you don't have to filter your own need for help/support through the troubles of other people. MN is a big enough place for all women to find help. While it's key to be mindful of others and sometimes helpful to remind yourself of ways in which you are lucky, it's also important to be able to openly and honestly ask for help. This is why MN exists. It is okay actually to give the OP a bit of a gentle tickle with a wet kipper. Sometimes a well-timed swift thwack is needed. It's okay to point out all the wonderful and brilliant ways that HER situation will enrich HER life. Forcing her to silence and shame because of other people's worries is not fair. I mean this very kindly, but if you find a thread difficult and have nothing to give, then sometimes it's easier to walk away.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/03/2015 14:48

As you're used to that gender and know how they work.

The way a baby urinates isn't that central to how you parent them.

I'm sure it won't take long to figure out how a girl "works".

Grantaire · 27/03/2015 14:49

at Tink.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 27/03/2015 14:49

YAB extremely U.

Being secretly a bit disappointed that you got one sex over another is natural, but to go as far as saying that you are DEVASTATED is just plain wrong. Also someone's comments about how girls are so much more favoured than boys?

Riiiiiiiiight. Because sex selective abortions across the world TOTALLY favour females.......

You sound incredibly narrow minded about gender stereotypes as well. What if one of your boys grows up to love fashion and grooming and stereotypically girlie things? What if he grows up to be transgender? Will you sit there with your head in your hands weeping over how "devastated" you are?

Personally I think you are being totally melodramatic and a bit up yourself. I know lesbian couples who are raising sons together. They didn't sit around moaning about "what the fuck do we know about men??".

grannytomine · 27/03/2015 14:49

Just wanted to add I had a great relationship with my mother so it was't a hang up about that. I think it was loyalty to my boys and I think the OP feels this as well.

Don't worry OP, hormones are probably making it worse. I am sure you will love her to bits and like me will look back one day and laugh.

SuperFlyHigh · 27/03/2015 14:50

All very well to those who say they have tomboy little girls...

what will OP do if the girl is indeed a girly girl??

Honestly it's not rocket science to buy dolls, pink stuff and be girly with her and in fact it may even be enjoyable...

CunningCat · 27/03/2015 14:50

YabVu. I work with disabled children. Be thankful for a healthy baby regardless of the sex. Grow up.

Grantaire · 27/03/2015 14:50

BathtimeFunkster, I think she meant that she went from being wary about having one boy to wishing she could have more of them (as well as her dds)!

Stinkersmum · 27/03/2015 14:51

grantaire I'm not finding the thread difficult at all, thanks for the concern though

squoosh · 27/03/2015 14:51

I was the opposite to you, 2 Dd and wanted a third but I love my DS so much I wish I had three boys!

I really do hope you mean in addition to your daughters.

Grantaire · 27/03/2015 14:53

Oh AIBU, you bastard, don't you ever change.

On a thread where we're reassuring somebody about the positivity and general brilliance of woman to woman relationships, is there some delicious irony in attacking other women for a reaction they aren't in control of?

BathtimeFunkster · 27/03/2015 14:54

what will OP do if the girl is indeed a girly girl??

Or WHAT if she has a PERSON, who is an INDIVIDUAL?!

It doesn't bear thinking about.

A child that can't be put into a box with a big sexist label.

Hopefully that won't happen

lemonyone · 27/03/2015 14:54

Superflyhigh - you are right about being able to adapt to girlie-girls or boy-y boys very easily. My ds may like bunnies and cuddles, but other than that he is a stereotypically shouty, laddish boy. I am fairly 'girlie'.
But I delight in seeing him bellowing with his mates in the playground and being obsessed with cars as a toddler. The extreme blokeyness isn't a problem when you love them. You just find a new facet of your own personality you didn't know existed.
For example, I know all the names of the characters from 'Cars' and 'Ninjago'.

Capricorn76 · 27/03/2015 14:55

If you're really 'devastated' maybe you could give her up for adoption and use gender selection to get a boy next time? Thought not. Some people love drama.

Grantaire · 27/03/2015 14:55

Okay stinkers, if you're finding it difficult to be pleasant. Of course you don't have to be pleasant if you don't want to be. I just don't like attacking people or undermining their need for help.

MsJudgementalPants · 27/03/2015 14:56

Devastated to be having a girl? YABtoatallyU and I think the earlier advice of getting therapy is spot on, if only for your daughter's sake.

I have a daughter, she's bloody amazing, stomps around in her DMs swearing like a trooper. She's wise, caring and interested in social justice. Loves music and is learning piano and guitar. Loves animals. Might wear a bit of mascara but thinks any more make up than that is for losers. Hates shopping. Laughs at other teenage girls and their big handbags.

You are stereotyping an entire gender, your own gender! Get over yourself and let your poor baby grow into the person they were meant to be without pigeon holing before they're even born.

And while we're at it, the poster who told another to get off the thread. You ever heard of free speech? If you don't want a range of opinions don't ask for advice in a public forum. Jeez!

ErrWhat · 27/03/2015 14:57

I'm sorry for everyone that has suffered infertility but its really not fair to use that against the OP.

OP, I guess you already know that you are being a bit unreasonable. I get a bit of gender dissapointment but only if it's in moderation. I'm the mother of adult children and I find talk of girly girls or 'boyish' girls a bit silly. You honestly won't care 'who' you get once you meet them.

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