to be disappointed that I am having a girl?

[Bluebell84]

I have two DSs and I adore them. When I got pregnant again I was some excited, all I could think was me and my three sons.

I guess the rebel in me wanted to defy the notion that having a girl meant my family was 'complete'. the usual comments like 'if u r lucky it will be a girl' or 'third time lucky' was always hit back with 'but a third son will be lucky...'

I honestly love my sons so much.
we found out it is a girl.

I am devastated. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, never had sisters, have two close female friends (pretty shoddy after 30 years on this planet) and I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair doneZ

I feel like I am such a poor role model for a daughter. I didn't know what a clitoris was until I was in my 20s (strict religious home where waxing was seen as a sign of promiscuity) and was never taught girly things (my mother was not very maternal) and I feel completely at a loss as to what I am going to do with a little girl.

also my in laws want a daughter and I would hate to comply to their needs.

any advice will be lovely

Squoosh, no I think you'll find culturally there are groups who prefer boys, that's different. In my experience, most women who state a preference usually would prefer a girl.

Is there anything about this thread that hasn't pissed on your chips?

thank you so much for the posts which were positive and encouraging and supportive.

I am Asian and have Asian in laws and I hate the way they de mean their sons. they adore their daughter- she was long sought after and she is incredibly spoilt- for her milestones birthdays they throw huge parties and give her jewels and money. my DH is lucky to get a card.

the speech on her 18th was to say that SHE made their lives worth living, to trump it they have her private education whilst the sons went to the local comprehensive.

I am scared they will de mean their grandsons the same way.

as for me....I am stereotyping and I know it's wrong. I suppose gender stereotyping is rather ingrained and when I read about women disappointed that they don't have a DD- there is always a mention of someone to go shopping with!

my own relationship with my mother was not positive, she always criticised me for things she never did- don't think she ever brushed my hair yet always said I was scruffy and an embarrassment.

I know I will lovely DD and we will grow and learn together, I know in my heart thatmy DC are gifts and I am lucky.

it is the initial shock I suppose. it's like the past smacked me in the face and I withdrew in fear and ultimately...shame

Er, what's your problem ExitStageLeft??

Your chips sound decidedly pissy.

that is shame at myself, that I might be the mother I had

My DD takes after my husband, they are both noisy, smelly, like parties, messy, love designer clothes, love film and TV, like visitors.

Whilst me and my DS like quiet, hate going out, don't care much about clothes, like reading, happy being alone.

People are far more complex than just being girly or tomboys.

Cross posted with OP.

You will be fine OP, she will be a delight to you, don't be scared, you are not your mother.

Op try to remember that you are not your mother. Enjoy all your children.

I haven't read the thread as am in a rush. I truly don't know what to say to you about your disappointment.

I am pregnant and I have had a miserable relationship with my mother. I am a university academic, own one pair of shoes, hardly any clothes to speak of, and have no interest in toileteries and such.

I cannot wait to have a daughter. I cannot wait to raise an ambitious, independent, strong individual in her - cannot wait to read books with her, take her around the best universities of this world, introduce her to Marie Curie, Hellen Keller and their likes from a young age, and help her carve her pathway of aspirations, ambitions and success in life. Cannot wait till she is an inspiring young adult with whom I can discuss civil society, politics, literature and languages.

This person - who I confess I have imagined very fondly for years now - could be my daughter. As you will note - spas, shopping and clothes do not remotely feature in my image of her. Her graduating from a fantastic university, or writing an article in The Guardian, or playing cricket nationally - does. So I don't in any way understand you. But I wish you the best.

some lovely comments on here, some really touched me- not sure who posted, but the one who said 'disappointment at what u didn't have followed by excitement at what u will'

I don't want to be my mother who did not love me or my MiL who did not love her sons ....I am scared of both

introduce her to Marie Curie, Hellen Keller and their likes from a young age, and help her carve her pathway of aspirations, ambitions and success in life.

And perhaps throw in a sprinkle of fun along the way too?

Focusfocus will you be disappointed if your daughter does actually want to go shopping, have spa days and not attend university?

Bluebell84 My childhood wasn't hugely bad or anything but I've needed counselling to deal with it. One of the things that came up was worry I would be a mum like I had to a daughter, as it happens I didn't have one. But I know people with the same worries who do. Part of their parenting is deliberately not being like their own parents. Dh is not being a parent to sons like he was parented which was worse than mine. What no-one ever seems to mention about having children is the baggage you bring to it and your own experiences as a child.

With regards to your in-laws, you can be firm that your children are treated the same and if not then you don't have to have as much contact as they may request. It may obviously be harder if there are different cultural expectations with regards to access to grandchildren, but even with contact, you two are your children's parents and the main influence.

You will be fine OP. I was also a little scared to have a DD after two DSs as I was convinced she would be like me (different to what you are saying, I know). She isn't. She is her own little person, with a very different personality to me and is every bit as lovely and wonderful as her brothers.

YANBU to feel whatever you feel, but you are you - not your DM or your MIL. The very fact that you are worried about any of your DCs feeling unloved means that they very probably never will....

Yes you are! Some people can't have children, just be glad your having a healthy baby girl.

Nothing my kid does will disappoint me, unless it's detrimental or wilfully harmful to others. Shopping or becoming a scientist - shell probably do neither or both :)

i had 3 boys and then had a surprise pregnancy with my last a girl.

I can well remember the shock as i had assumed that it would be a boy and was quite happy with that idea.
I think my hubby was more pleased at first than me.
she looked exactly like my 2nd son as a baby, so every time i changed her i would jump and think 'oh god where is her tail'? Then remember that girls dont have willies!

I have to say she objected loudly if I shouted 'come on boys' at the park or calling them in for tea from garden. she didnt much like 'boys and baby, DINNER TIME' either.
As i popped out my kids fairly close together they are all pretty good friends.
My daughter is also very close to all her cousins who are mostly girls.

i have fond memories of doing her hair and putting dresses on her, (until she objected) and other girly things as the years pass.
Have to also mention the great plus of having only one teenager with pmt as that's quite enough for me to cope with!

congratulations btw.

Oh op you will adore your dd just like you do your dss. You will be a better parent because of your life experience. You will parent your dd the way you would have wished to be parented.

As for spa days and shopping, rugby and sports my dds do all of those things.

focus your dd will be herself from day 1 and not a carbon copy of you or anyone else. She may think uni isn't for her and hate books.

They are what they are be it dd or ds and it's the primary job of a parent to love,nurture and celebrate who they are not what you want them to be.

Do remember, you are not your mother.

My mother had a terrible upbringing at the hands of her mother, and freely admits now that she was very shaken when I was born, in a way she had not been when my older brother was.

But she worked really hard on her own perspectives, and trying to separate out her childhood from her parenting, and I can tell you hand on heart she is a WONDERFUL mother, and all the better for having done that work.

So please don't despair, you are not doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past.

PS sometimes I go shopping with my mum, and sometimes we go to rugby matches together. It's all good.

And congratulations.

focus well said.

And op you will have to make sure your dss don't spoil her, my girls have their big brothers firmly wrapped around their permanently tanned and painted fingers.

As for your inlaws just laugh at them if they say silly stuff.

Yabu, yabu, yabu!!!
The most important is that you'll have a healthy little human.

I'm not 'girly' at all and my DD hasn't suffered for it in the slightest. She loves a huge range of things, some very 'girly' and some 'boyish' (and plenty of things that aren't stereotyped either way) and is happy in her own skin, just like my DS :)

Honestly the most important thing is that you bring them - whatever their gender - up to be who they are, and love them for it. And you will. Because they are your children.

:)

I can think of few things worse than getting shopping or for spa days with my mother.

Also remember that our children teach us, not just the other way round, and one of the joys of parenting is discovering new interests and entertainments through them.

Bluebell, well done for coming back. Some of the responses on here might have put you off. I am quite pleased you are having a girl. I think it might be a healing time for you. This is your opportunity to love your family, your children against the positives of their background, not stifled by ingrained sexism. And you will be so proud of the balance in your own lives. She will see you fiercely championing her brothers as strongly as you support her. She will know equality that you provide. The disappointment will pass as the fickle whimsy it is. Of that I have no doubt. You will love her wholly. The fight will not be against pink or spas but against the ingrained unfairness in the way other family members treat gender. In time you won't get upset, you'll get angry. Good. Don't let their prejudices affect your children. That's your real battle and as a mother who clearly cares and worries, you're brilliantly armed to counter it. Throw out all preconceptions now and get ready to meet your child, whoever she may be. That's all any of us can do. It will be sheer joy. I promise.

Just as an aside, the positive responses on previous gender disappointment threads are due to topic, not gender. Those of you countering well it IS AIBU in defence of your posts, well yes it is. Am I being unreasonable. Not am I childish, worthy of attack, ungrateful, sexist or any other accusation leveled at the op. It would be nice if people could respond according to the concern of the op, not according to the shitty carte blanche they believe AIBU affords them.

Grantaire nails it.
Another one with a bad (now non-existent) relationship with mother.
I have an older DS and. Younger DD...at the scan when we found she was a girl, I was upset. Like you just said, OP, the past smacked me in the face (that really resonated, btw).

Fast forward a few days and I'm out walking the dog, wondering how to make a good job of bonding with her in the future and I was struck with a visceral "This bullshit ends right here! It's YOUR problem and you will shield her from it."

And that was that. She erupted into the world a few months later and six years later she's right this minute singing Nick Cave's Red Right Hand.

If your DD is a bit girly, take a deep breath and tell her it's OK. If she's not, it's still OK. If she's a combo, that's OK too.

So the past has smacked you in the face...work out how you can defeat it.